♪

( tires screeching)

D-ohh!

( screams)

( tires screeching)

Children, we have a special treat today.

Willie?

( cheering)

( groaning)

( gasping)

( groaning)

NARRATOR ( on TV): Welcome to Diversity Tales.

( moaning)

Enjoy your multicultural hooey.

( laughing)

MALE NARRATOR ( on TV): It was the Feast of the Sea Lion Who Would Not Share.

Come, brother Titi,

let us collect cha-cha sticks.

I will make a headdress

for the wedding of Earth Turtle and Moon Mongoose.

You don't need a headdress.

Your most beautiful costume is your self-esteem.

NARRATOR ( on TV): Pause here to discuss tolerance.

What is this crap?

This is worse than "Wheelchair-nocchio."

Yeah, well, if you don't like the movie,

feel free to stare out the window. Ha.

( car sputtering)

Hey, Cryptkeeper,

I like your Dodge Scare-a-van.

( laughter)

How dare you mock my mobile-a-mobile?

It was the first car to outrun a man.

A caveman.

( laughter)

I thought of that 'cause I slept in a cave last night.

Of all the...

I will not be lampooned by schoolchildren.

Kill them, Smithers.

Uh, you could just buy a new car, sir.

Well... whatever's easier.

A new car?

May I suggest an Oldsmobile?

Mr. Burns sucks!

( laughter)

Ooh, I won't forget who mocked me.

I'm taking your picture.

Now, hold perfectly still for 78 minutes.

( Mr. Burns snoring)

HOMER: Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp,

bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp.

bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp.

( imitating "Charge" anthem)

Simpson? Charge!

I mean, "Yes, sir?"

I just bought a new car.

A nice foreign number.

The Lamborgotti Fasterossa.

A Lamborgotti Fasterossa?

That's the car I think about

when I make love to my wife.

Yes. I need you to pick up my car

at the factory in Italy,

and ship it directly back to me.

I'll save thousands in taxes.

You're sending me to Italy?

Yes.

Can I take my family? Sure.

Do I have to hang out with them?

It would be nice.

( screaming)

( groaning)

Hey, that guy in first class is taking a TV out of his armrest.

What's in you?

Oh, a bunch of stupid cables.

( thunderous crash)

Hey, Brandine?

The kids just got a new playhouse!

Cletus, you are the most wonderful husband--

and son-- I ever had.

What's with the Canadian flag on your backpack?

Well, some people in Europe have the impression

that America has made some stupid choices

in the past, oh, five years.

So, for the next week, I'm from Canada.

Uh, I think Dad may blow your cover.

That flag is mine! Don't mess with Texas!

Shock and awe, losers!

Shock and awe!

( with Italian accent): Your car, she's a-coming off the assembly line.

This car is the ultimate marriage

of design and technology.

Ooh, marriage.

Now we have to drive it straight to Rome,

where it'll be shipped to Mr. Burns in Springfield.

Gee, I wish we could explore

a little more of Italy.

Marge, are you encouraging me to be irresponsible?

Why don't you encourage him to get us some health insurance?

Why you little...

( Bart choking; Homer groaning)

So, first time in Italy?

( tires squealing)

HOMER: Wow, I've seen photos of this,

but you can't really experience it until you're here:

a McDonald's where you can get booze!

But, Dad, don't you want to turn around

and see the tower?

Eh, there's a picture of it on my cup.

When Mount Vesuvius erupted,

people were overcome by volcanic ash so fast

that they were frozen

in whatever position they were in

at the moment of their death.

Savages.

MARGE: We've passed the Pontevecchio bridge

three times.

I think we're lost.

Let me check the navigation system.

It says here we should turn left

at a fat chick in a tutu being fed by a midget.

That's a DVD of a Fellini movie.

I get it. The midget represents dwarves.

Dad, cheese truck!

( tires screeching)

( screaming)

Mozzarella! Parmigiano!

Provolone! Pecorino!

Gorgonzola! Fontina!

Taleggio! Bocconcini!

( splattering)

( screams)

LISA: Mortadella!

( crashing)

Don't worry. We got the cheese insurance.

It doesn't cover mortadella.

No!

( all straining)

Stupid Italy.

Wish you'd never been unified

by Victor Emmanuel II.

If only you'd stayed

a loose confederation of city-states,

trading with each other and occasionally warring.

LISA: Maybe there's a mechanic in this Tuscan village.

Hey, do you know anything about fixing sports cars?

Scusi?

( louder): It's a Lamborgotti Fasterosa XT 550

with ABS Sport Tech package.

( groans)

Americano?

Americano?

What the hell could that mean?

Why can't you people learn to speak my language?

I learned to eat your food.

Il Mayore capice Inglese.

Hey, she says the mayor speaks English.

I honor you and your country.

( shrieks)

"Kentucky?!"

In Italia, this a-means "whore"!

Excuse me? Mister Mayor?

They say you speak English?

Indeed I do.

ALL: Sideshow Bob!

The Simpsons!

( all scream)

BART: Sideshow Bob?

Of all the regioni

and all the villaggi in all of Italia,

you had to be il mayore of this one!

I can assure you, I'm as sorry to see you as you are to see me.

How'd you wind up here?

Yes, tell us your story.

But it better have a beginning, a middle and an end.

And you'd better make us root for the protagonist.

My tale begins after I had once again attempted to murder Bart.

Okay, so far I'm rooting for you.

I needed a fresh start.

But where?

Not in this lifetime!

Damn it!

Never!

Now cut that out.

Ah, Tuscany.

Fortune is finally smiling upon me.

( mutters angrily)

I left my past behind

and moved to the small village of Salsiccia.

Acceptance came slowly.

It's pronounced "buon giorno."

Your mouth is getting lazy on the second syllable.

Here, let me guide you.

But that all changed when the grape harvest began.

( people groaning)

( all gasp)

♪ These feet are made for stomping ♪

♪ And that's just what they'll do ♪

♪ One of these days these feet will make ♪

♪ Chianti out of you ♪

Ready, feet?

Start stomping.

( hums lively tune)

( cheers)

It was the biggest harvest ever.

Never had I felt such acceptance.

The next spring, the contadini elected me their mayor.

But I won more than the love of a town.

WOMAN: Roberto...

Amore.

This is my bride Francesca and my son Gino.

Holy moley!

I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.

Well, I experimented in college, as one does.

Yeah. I never went to college.

Stop the presses.

Hello, I'm Marge.

This is my husband Homer, my daughters Lisa and Maggie,

and my son Bart Simpson.

Bart Simpson?

The name Roberto cries when he has the bad dream.

Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson!

I make like my daddy!

( stabbing noises)

( chuckles) Yes.

Bart and I used to go fly-fishing together.

Die, Bart! Die, Bart!

( groans)

You shall all stay for dinner

and tell me more about my wonderful Roberto.

( sighs)

He makes love like a man who just got out of jail.

( chuckles)

Yes, yes.

You crave my skillful touch.

Now go, take the boy, and shut the door.

I'll rock your world anon.

Simpsons, I beg of you.

Please don't destroy the new life I've created here.

Surely, even the most heinous criminal

deserves a seventh chance.

Bob, you haven't told your wife

about all the terrible things you've done?

Yeah, I tell Marge everything.

Not necessarily in words, but in body language.

You know, sneaking around and such.

Bob, your family will find out the truth.

Sooner or later, you'll try to kill me again.

Watch, I'll prove it.

Come on, Bob, slice, dice and serve on rice.

You little scamp.

( laughs)

You know, you'll make some murderer very happy one day,

but it shan't be me.

Bart, Bob is a family man now.

You can't be a bad person if you have a family.

And literature is filled with tales of redemption

from Jean Valjean to the voice of Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen.

All right, Bob, we won't tell your beautiful new family

that you're a homicidal psychopath

if you fix up our car.

Grazie.

Now I can't undo the past,

but I can try to make it up to you.

My humble little town is at your service.

Loro sono miei amici,

le Simpsons!

( cheering)