There's Something About Marrying
Season 16 / Episode 10
D-ohh!
( screams)
( tires screeching)
( organ playing)
( chuckles)
Some sucker will think he's getting beer,
but he's really gonna get a face full of melon!
Seedless melon!
( cackles)
Shh. Don't ruin the moment.
Oh, boy, free beer!
Oh, man.
Easy, Barney. Easy.
Remember the 12 steps.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
Nice try, boys.
Now, as the roadrunner said to the coyote,
"Meep meep"!
Oh... Everyone in town is wise to us.
We need someone new we can prank.
( chuckles)
Sweet. Fresh meat.
Meat's not sweet.
It's savory.
Hey, bean sprouts.
The name's Howell Huser.
I travel the country gawkin' and talkin',
and I was hopin' to take in your town.
( Southern accent): We can show you around
if you don't mind a heapin' helpin' of local color.
Why my favorite color is local.
Ooh! Watermelon.
Want to plant the seeds?
It's seedless.
Aw...
( gasps)
Radioactivity?
That means it's a place
where we do radio... activities.
♪ Come on, let's twist again ♪
♪ Like we did last summer... ♪
I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity.
( laughing)
You know, the fish here
are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them.
Hmm... Heh, heh.
Well, howdy, little feller.
( growling)
Ow! Ow! Ow! I can't wait till this is over! Ow!
( laughing)
I was thinking maybe we could
visit the hospital now?
Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood.
It always has in the past.
Ow!
( laughing)
Finger pain?
I thought I had gum comin'!
That tears it!
I've been smilin' for 47 years,
and you two broke my streak!
Shame on you,
and shame on you.
and shame on your whole ill-mannered town!
Hey, that guy's shaming us.
My self-esteem sure didn't need that!
Ow!
Loser!
Get out, shamey.
( laughing)
I don't think we'll be hearing from him again.
So, kitchen wizard, I understand you
have a book coming out.
Yes, it's about Winston Churchill's life
between the wars.
Up next on the Soft News Network, let's hear
from our own wide-eyed wanderer, Howell Huser.
Uh-oh.
I've ambled and rambled
across this country,
and never found a town I didn't like... till now,
and the name of that town, is Springfield.
( shocked gasps)
I was attacked, humiliated,
and fed misleading gum.
I give Springfield the lowest rating
I've ever given a city-- a six out of ten.
I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.
Who needs tourists?
They never buy my maps to stars' homes, anyway.
Have you read them all?
Okay, good.
MAYOR QUIMBY: We need to bring
tourism back to Springfield.
As usual, I will open the floor
to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.
Stronger beer!
Gladiator fights!
Poetry slam!
Giant rats!
I have a real suggestion.
Yarr...
Why don't we legalize same-sex marriage?
We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market,
and strike a blow for civil rights.
Yeah, them gay guys got lots of disposable income.
I can serve fancy drinks and charge ten bucks a pop.
What's in a martini?
Gin and vermouth.
And that makes a what?
A martini.
Never heard of it,
but I'm still in favor
of that same-sex marriage deal.
Then it's settled.
We'll legalize gay money--
I mean, uh, gay marriage.
( all cheering)
I propose we also legalize gay funerals--
starting with this guy.
I'm not gay.
I'm nothing yet!
Okay, now let's say I put a Lean Cuisine
in a blender and I pour some beer on it.
What do you call that?
A Lean Cuisini? Wrong.
( to "Jamaica Farewell"): ♪ When my man and I shopped for wedding gowns ♪
♪ We were mocked and shunned and pushed around ♪
♪ But yesterday, we found a place to be gay ♪
♪ I'm going to marry my Harry in Springfield town ♪
( to "Banana Boat Song"): ♪ Gay-o, it's okay-o ♪
♪ Tie the knot and spend all your dough ♪
♪ Gay-o, come stay-o ♪
♪ Visit our Web site for further info. ♪
Springfield-- a place where everyone can marry.
Even dudes.
We're just off Route 202.
Do not take the Jefferson Avenue exit.
For God's sake, do not take that exit.
( crowd murmuring)
While I have no opinion
for or against your sinful lifestyles,
I cannot marry two people of the same sex
any more than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun.
Now, go back to working behind the scenes
in every facet of entertainment!
Excuse me, Reverend.
Yeah?
As long as two people love each other,
I don't think God cares whether they both have
the same hoo-hoo or ha-ha.
Haw-haw!
The Bible forbids same-sex relations.
Which book?
Which book? The Bible!
But, Reverend...
( bell ringing) Scriptural scholars disagree
on the significance...
( ringing drowns out Marge's voice)
( ringing continues)
Lovejoy's an idiot.
His church is giving up hot gobs of gay green.
He could get 200 bucks a couple.
200 bucks a couple, eh?
Hey, I got to get in on this!
These people have rights!
The right to buy me a 62-inch TV!
( grunts)
( chuckles)
Now begins the long and spiritual journey
to becoming an ordained minister.
"Name."
Ho-mer Simp-son.
COMPUTER VOICE: You are now an ordained minister.
( computer plays "Hallelujah Chorus")
Now to answer all the pop-ups.
Ooh, a talking moose wants my credit card number.
That's only fair.
( grunting)
( indistinct conversations)
And do you, Julio, take Thad
to be your lawful wedded life partner,
in Massachusetts and Vermont, maybe Canada--
stay out of Texas--
as long as you both are gay?
I do.
It brings me great joy
to unite two such loving people.
Photo mouse pads for sale out back.
( "Wedding March" plays)
Okay, what's next,
Adam and Steve or Madam and Eve?
Homer, you married every gay couple in town.
Eh, what can I say? I love love.
Well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn.
Hmm, where's Lenny and Carl?
Don't you push them!
They've got to work that out for themselves.
Oh! But I'm only $200 short of $14,800!
Well, what about people of the opposite sex
who want to get married?
Opposite? Yechh!
I mean, a man and a woman.
Hmm. Well, maybe marriage isn't just for gays.
What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl?
Straight.
( laughs): Ooh, look at me!
I'm as straight as a one dollar bill.
La de da! Ooh!
( squeals)
Do you, Cletus, take Brandine to be...
Wait a minute--are you two brother and sister?
We's all kinda things!
Hm.
( news theme plays)
A new epidemic is raging through Springfield,
and this one didn't start with Krustyburger's
Whatchamacarcass Sandwich.
I'm talking about an outbreak of marriage fever.
Reverend Simpson... Please, Kent,
call me Your Holiness.
( chuckles): I-I can't. I just can't.
Homer, have we started down a slippery slope,
where marriage becomes so meaningless
that anyone could marry anything?
Oh, Kent, not anything.
It has to exist.
Or does it?
Well, call me old-fashioned,
but I believe that marriage described in the Bible...
If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it?
In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bibleman and wife.
And you're the wife! ( laughing)
Hey, you owe me 200 bucks.
Homer, your impulsive marriages
are gonna lead to a lot of divorces.
Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages,
which will put more green in the blue.
The blue being my pants.
I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there.
KRUSTY: If I may say a word?
Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the Clown. Krusty?
I want to clear up a misconception
about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich.
I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals.
Everyone does it.
( forced laugh) They... ha... uh...
Oh, Homie, I'm so proud of you.
You stood up for people's right
to express love in its most perfect form,
a binding legal contract.
( doorbell rings)
Hey, Saturated Fats, I came to ask you a favor.
Let me get my belt sander.
Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.
Very funny. I wasn't joking.
( sander whirring) I'm getting married,
and I need you to perform the ceremony.
( gasps): You're getting married?!
Patty, that's wonderful!
So, tell, tell, who's the lucky man?
What does he do? Let me guess.
Mmm. Does he work in customer support?
You can guess all night and never get it.
( takes deep breath)
Her name's Veronica.
But Veronica's a girl's name.
Did you know that?
I'm marrying a woman.
I'm... I'm gay.
( quiet gasp)
You're not disappointed, are you?
Oh, no. No, no.
No, I'm just... surprised.
Yeah, big surprise.
Hey, Marge, here's another bomb:
I like beer.
( laughing)
So, Patty,
you're a woman who likes women.
I guess that fear I always had
of you stealing Homer away is unfounded.
( spitting)
Marge, I'd be a lot more worried
about me leaving you
for a sausage patty than your sister Patty.
( laughs)
( screams)
Next time it'll be your eye.
Marge, did you really think I was straight?
Well, I guess I should have seen the signs.
♪ Que sera, sera♪
♪ Whatever will be will be ♪
♪ The future's not ours to see ♪
♪ Que sera, sera♪
♪ What will be will be. ♪
You could see it from space, Marge.
This isn't a problem for you, is it?
Oh, no. No, no.
Why would it be?
I love you, I love gay marriage,
so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't
love your gay marriage, right?
Now Patty, here's a veil I picked out
just for you.
( sniffs)
Smells like cheeseburgers.
Give it back!
( sniffs)
Why are we dressed as Sunday Best Simpsons
for dinner with Aunt Patty?
Because she's bringing over someone very special.
Her fiancée.
Is this one of those reality deals where a guy
gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty,
but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?
Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard.
And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it.
( dialing)
RECORDED VOICE: You've reached Fox.
If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks
get what's coming to them, press one.
If you're pitching a rip-off
of another network's reality show, press two.
Please stay on the line.
Your half-baked ideas are all we've got.
Actually your aunt is marrying a very lucky...
woman.
I thought you said Aunt Patty
was just waiting for the right man.
As opposed to you,
who grabbed the first blimp that floated by.
Correction.
The first blimp who got her pregnant.
Seriously Dad, I'm worried.
You should go on a diet.
Why you little...
( grunting)
( doorbell chimes)
Save my place.
( unenthusiastic grunting)
This is my fiancée, Veronica.
It's a pleasure to meet you all.
So Veronica, what do you do?
I'm a pro golfer.
No surprises there.
Aunt Patty, where did you two meet?
Alternative book store?
Ethiopian restaurant?
It was so romantic--
like a scene from a Hollywood movie.
Yeah, Bride of the Monster.
( shrieking)
I was at the LPGA Ritz Bitz Celebrity Pro-Am.
Lady golfers?
I thought we played this stupid game
to get away from the women.
With the yak, yak, yak and the spend, spend, spend.
Am I right?
( booing)
Hey, clown.
Watch out for this lady driver.
Are you all right?
Never better.
( hacking, coughing)
I'll bet that's how angels cough.
I've been wearing that three wood ever since.
Whoa.
Save something for your wedding night.
Oh, we're saving everything for our wedding night.
Mm-hmm, that's what Mom would want.
I don't think it's exactly what Mom would want.
Marge, are you sure you're okay with this?
Of course.
Everyone should do whatever they want.
Take a bear to church.
Read a book with your feet.
Change your name to Gooble-Glop.
Oh, I get it.
You act all liberal, but you can't handle it
when your sister finds love in her own locker room.
Marge, if you can find it in your heart
to accept me for who I am,
I would love to see you at the ceremony.
If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral.
( grunting)
( giggles)
Which should be pretty soon.
Got him!
Uh-oh.
What am I not invited to this time?
Gay wedding. But I can get you in.
You can? Is there an open bar?
No, cash.
Well, I say this whole thing is against nature.
So, wanna do a jigsaw puzzle tonight?
Selma, I'm getting married in an hour.
I know, I know. I'm just having trouble
getting used to the idea of being alone.
Don't lay that on me.
You got married three times.
Actually, four.
You see, last week...
Disco Stu just got an annulment
from John Paul Two.
Boogie down!
Selma, we'll always be there for each other.
I don't know about Marge, though.
If she doesn't show up today,
I have no non-identical sister.
Oh Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon,
as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so.
And please let thy Holy Spirit open the heart of my wife.
Amen.
I just can't believe my sister
would keep me in the dark all these years
then expect complete acceptance
on the day she gets married.
( whistling)
You handsome devil.
Someday they'll let you and me get married.
Can you imagine the children?
( children blabbering)
( erotic moaning)
I love you, Homer.
I love you, too, Homer.
Oh, Homer.
( gasps)
( flushing)
The toilet seat's up.
But that wouldn't happen unless...
♪ Yeah, dude looks like a lady ♪
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
( gasps)
She's a man.
( chuckles)
Looks like Patty's gonna get
something she didn't register for.
( humming "Here Comes the Bride")
Queerly beloved,
we're here to join Veronica and Patty in matrimony.
But the news isn't all good.
They've written their own vows.
Patty?
Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate.
You are the perfect woman for me--
truthful, honest, hiding nothing.
At last I have found the yin to my yin.
( groans)
If anyone knows a reason why these two
should not be joined, let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
No! I can't let this happen!
I knew it!
You think everyone in the world
should have a big dumb man like you!
People please, can we wrap this up?
It's gonna rain and I gotta get the bikes in here.
Patty, it's not what you think.
Veronica is a man!
( gasping)
Look at the size of that Adam's apple!
Veronica, how could you?
Patty, I love you,
but long before we met,
I disguised myself as a woman
and lied my way onto the LPGA tour.
I can see why you lied to other golfers,
caddies, fans and officials,
but how could you lie to me and the sponsors?
Because you fell in love with me as a woman,
and I didn't want to lose you.
But now I'm asking you, not as Veronica,
but as the man I am-- Leslie Robin Swisher.
Patty, will you marry the real me?
Hell no, I like girls!
( gasps)
Marge, thank you for accepting me for who I am.
Well, I learned a lesson.