There's Something About Marrying

Season 16 / Episode 10

0:11 - 0:12

D-ohh!

0:12 - 0:13

( screams)

0:13 - 0:15

( tires screeching)

0:15 - 0:17

( organ playing)

0:31 - 0:33

( chuckles)

0:33 - 0:36

Some sucker will think he's getting beer,

0:36 - 0:39

but he's really gonna get a face full of melon!

0:39 - 0:41

Seedless melon!

0:41 - 0:43

( cackles)

0:43 - 0:45

Shh. Don't ruin the moment.

0:46 - 0:48

Oh, boy, free beer!

0:48 - 0:49

Oh, man.

0:49 - 0:53

Easy, Barney. Easy.

0:53 - 0:56

Remember the 12 steps.

0:56 - 0:59

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

1:03 - 1:04

Nice try, boys.

1:04 - 1:07

Now, as the roadrunner said to the coyote,

1:07 - 1:08

"Meep meep"!

1:09 - 1:11

Oh... Everyone in town is wise to us.

1:11 - 1:13

We need someone new we can prank.

1:19 - 1:20

( chuckles)

1:20 - 1:22

Sweet. Fresh meat.

1:22 - 1:24

Meat's not sweet.

1:24 - 1:26

It's savory.

1:26 - 1:27

Hey, bean sprouts.

1:27 - 1:29

The name's Howell Huser.

1:29 - 1:32

I travel the country gawkin' and talkin',

1:32 - 1:34

and I was hopin' to take in your town.

1:34 - 1:36

( Southern accent): We can show you around

1:36 - 1:39

if you don't mind a heapin' helpin' of local color.

1:39 - 1:42

Why my favorite color is local.

1:42 - 1:44

Ooh! Watermelon.

1:44 - 1:46

Want to plant the seeds?

1:46 - 1:47

It's seedless.

1:47 - 1:48

Aw...

1:49 - 1:51

( gasps)

1:51 - 1:52

Radioactivity?

1:52 - 1:54

That means it's a place

1:54 - 1:56

where we do radio... activities.

1:57 - 1:59

♪ Come on, let's twist again ♪

1:59 - 2:02

♪ Like we did last summer... ♪

2:02 - 2:06

I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity.

2:06 - 2:07

( laughing)

2:07 - 2:08

You know, the fish here

2:08 - 2:12

are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them.

2:12 - 2:14

Hmm... Heh, heh.

2:16 - 2:18

Well, howdy, little feller.

2:18 - 2:20

( growling)

2:20 - 2:25

Ow! Ow! Ow! I can't wait till this is over! Ow!

2:25 - 2:27

( laughing)

2:27 - 2:29

I was thinking maybe we could

2:29 - 2:31

visit the hospital now?

2:31 - 2:35

Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood.

2:35 - 2:37

It always has in the past.

2:37 - 2:39

Ow!

2:39 - 2:40

( laughing)

2:40 - 2:41

Finger pain?

2:41 - 2:43

I thought I had gum comin'!

2:43 - 2:45

That tears it!

2:45 - 2:48

I've been smilin' for 47 years,

2:48 - 2:51

and you two broke my streak!

2:51 - 2:52

Shame on you,

2:52 - 2:54

and shame on you.

2:54 - 2:57

and shame on your whole ill-mannered town!

2:57 - 3:00

Hey, that guy's shaming us.

3:00 - 3:03

My self-esteem sure didn't need that!

3:03 - 3:04

Ow!

3:04 - 3:05

Loser!

3:08 - 3:09

Get out, shamey.

3:09 - 3:11

( laughing)

3:11 - 3:13

I don't think we'll be hearing from him again.

3:16 - 3:18

So, kitchen wizard, I understand you

3:18 - 3:19

have a book coming out.

3:19 - 3:22

Yes, it's about Winston Churchill's life

3:22 - 3:23

between the wars.

3:23 - 3:26

Up next on the Soft News Network, let's hear

3:26 - 3:29

from our own wide-eyed wanderer, Howell Huser.

3:30 - 3:31

Uh-oh.

3:31 - 3:32

I've ambled and rambled

3:32 - 3:34

across this country,

3:34 - 3:38

and never found a town I didn't like... till now,

3:38 - 3:42

and the name of that town, is Springfield.

3:42 - 3:43

( shocked gasps)

3:43 - 3:45

I was attacked, humiliated,

3:45 - 3:48

and fed misleading gum.

3:48 - 3:50

I give Springfield the lowest rating

3:50 - 3:54

I've ever given a city-- a six out of ten.

3:55 - 3:58

I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.

3:58 - 3:60

Who needs tourists?

3:60 - 4:02

They never buy my maps to stars' homes, anyway.

4:08 - 4:09

Have you read them all?

4:09 - 4:10

Okay, good.

4:17 - 4:19

MAYOR QUIMBY: We need to bring

4:19 - 4:21

tourism back to Springfield.

4:21 - 4:23

As usual, I will open the floor

4:23 - 4:26

to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.

4:26 - 4:27

Stronger beer!

4:27 - 4:28

Gladiator fights!

4:28 - 4:29

Poetry slam!

4:29 - 4:30

Giant rats!

4:30 - 4:32

I have a real suggestion.

4:32 - 4:34

Yarr...

4:36 - 4:38

Why don't we legalize same-sex marriage?

4:38 - 4:41

We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market,

4:41 - 4:44

and strike a blow for civil rights.

4:44 - 4:47

Yeah, them gay guys got lots of disposable income.

4:47 - 4:50

I can serve fancy drinks and charge ten bucks a pop.

4:50 - 4:51

What's in a martini?

4:51 - 4:53

Gin and vermouth.

4:53 - 4:54

And that makes a what?

4:54 - 4:56

A martini.

4:56 - 4:57

Never heard of it,

4:57 - 4:58

but I'm still in favor

4:58 - 4:59

of that same-sex marriage deal.

4:59 - 5:00

Then it's settled.

5:00 - 5:02

We'll legalize gay money--

5:02 - 5:04

I mean, uh, gay marriage.

5:04 - 5:06

( all cheering)

5:06 - 5:09

I propose we also legalize gay funerals--

5:09 - 5:10

starting with this guy.

5:10 - 5:11

I'm not gay.

5:11 - 5:13

I'm nothing yet!

5:13 - 5:15

Okay, now let's say I put a Lean Cuisine

5:15 - 5:18

in a blender and I pour some beer on it.

5:18 - 5:19

What do you call that?

5:19 - 5:21

A Lean Cuisini? Wrong.

5:26 - 5:28

( to "Jamaica Farewell"): ♪ When my man and I shopped for wedding gowns ♪

5:28 - 5:31

♪ We were mocked and shunned and pushed around ♪

5:31 - 5:34

♪ But yesterday, we found a place to be gay ♪

5:34 - 5:38

♪ I'm going to marry my Harry in Springfield town ♪

5:38 - 5:41

( to "Banana Boat Song"): ♪ Gay-o, it's okay-o ♪

5:41 - 5:45

♪ Tie the knot and spend all your dough ♪

5:45 - 5:48

♪ Gay-o, come stay-o ♪

5:48 - 5:51

♪ Visit our Web site for further info. ♪

5:51 - 5:54

Springfield-- a place where everyone can marry.

5:54 - 5:56

Even dudes.

5:56 - 5:57

We're just off Route 202.

5:57 - 5:60

Do not take the Jefferson Avenue exit.

5:60 - 6:02

For God's sake, do not take that exit.

6:07 - 6:11

( crowd murmuring)

6:11 - 6:12

While I have no opinion

6:12 - 6:15

for or against your sinful lifestyles,

6:15 - 6:18

I cannot marry two people of the same sex

6:18 - 6:22

any more than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun.

6:22 - 6:24

Now, go back to working behind the scenes

6:24 - 6:26

in every facet of entertainment!

6:26 - 6:28

Excuse me, Reverend.

6:28 - 6:29

Yeah?

6:29 - 6:31

As long as two people love each other,

6:31 - 6:34

I don't think God cares whether they both have

6:34 - 6:36

the same hoo-hoo or ha-ha.

6:36 - 6:37

Haw-haw!

6:37 - 6:41

The Bible forbids same-sex relations.

6:41 - 6:43

Which book?

6:43 - 6:44

Which book? The Bible!

6:44 - 6:45

But, Reverend...

6:45 - 6:48

( bell ringing) Scriptural scholars disagree

6:48 - 6:50

on the significance...

6:50 - 6:53

( ringing drowns out Marge's voice)

6:53 - 6:56

( ringing continues)

6:60 - 7:01

Lovejoy's an idiot.

7:01 - 7:04

His church is giving up hot gobs of gay green.

7:04 - 7:07

He could get 200 bucks a couple.

7:07 - 7:10

200 bucks a couple, eh?

7:15 - 7:16

Hey, I got to get in on this!

7:16 - 7:18

These people have rights!

7:18 - 7:20

The right to buy me a 62-inch TV!

7:20 - 7:21

( grunts)

7:24 - 7:25

( chuckles)

7:27 - 7:31

Now begins the long and spiritual journey

7:31 - 7:33

to becoming an ordained minister.

7:33 - 7:34

"Name."

7:34 - 7:37

Ho-mer Simp-son.

7:37 - 7:40

COMPUTER VOICE: You are now an ordained minister.

7:40 - 7:43

( computer plays "Hallelujah Chorus")

7:45 - 7:46

Now to answer all the pop-ups.

7:46 - 7:49

Ooh, a talking moose wants my credit card number.

7:49 - 7:50

That's only fair.

7:51 - 7:53

( grunting)

8:05 - 8:08

( indistinct conversations)

8:08 - 8:10

And do you, Julio, take Thad

8:10 - 8:12

to be your lawful wedded life partner,

8:12 - 8:15

in Massachusetts and Vermont, maybe Canada--

8:15 - 8:17

stay out of Texas--

8:17 - 8:19

as long as you both are gay?

8:19 - 8:20

I do.

8:20 - 8:22

It brings me great joy

8:22 - 8:24

to unite two such loving people.

8:24 - 8:26

Photo mouse pads for sale out back.

8:26 - 8:30

( "Wedding March" plays)

8:30 - 8:32

Okay, what's next,

8:32 - 8:33

Adam and Steve or Madam and Eve?

8:33 - 8:36

Homer, you married every gay couple in town.

8:36 - 8:38

Eh, what can I say? I love love.

8:38 - 8:41

Well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn.

8:41 - 8:43

Hmm, where's Lenny and Carl?

8:43 - 8:45

Don't you push them!

8:45 - 8:47

They've got to work that out for themselves.

8:47 - 8:52

Oh! But I'm only $200 short of $14,800!

8:52 - 8:54

Well, what about people of the opposite sex

8:54 - 8:55

who want to get married?

8:55 - 8:57

Opposite? Yechh!

8:57 - 8:59

I mean, a man and a woman.

8:59 - 9:02

Hmm. Well, maybe marriage isn't just for gays.

9:02 - 9:05

What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl?

9:05 - 9:06

Straight.

9:06 - 9:08

( laughs): Ooh, look at me!

9:08 - 9:10

I'm as straight as a one dollar bill.

9:10 - 9:13

La de da! Ooh!

9:21 - 9:23

( squeals)

9:23 - 9:25

Do you, Cletus, take Brandine to be...

9:25 - 9:28

Wait a minute--are you two brother and sister?

9:28 - 9:30

We's all kinda things!

9:30 - 9:32

Hm.

9:32 - 9:34

( news theme plays)

9:34 - 9:37

A new epidemic is raging through Springfield,

9:37 - 9:39

and this one didn't start with Krustyburger's

9:39 - 9:40

Whatchamacarcass Sandwich.

9:40 - 9:43

I'm talking about an outbreak of marriage fever.

9:43 - 9:45

Reverend Simpson... Please, Kent,

9:45 - 9:46

call me Your Holiness.

9:46 - 9:48

( chuckles): I-I can't. I just can't.

9:48 - 9:51

Homer, have we started down a slippery slope,

9:51 - 9:53

where marriage becomes so meaningless

9:53 - 9:55

that anyone could marry anything?

9:55 - 9:57

Oh, Kent, not anything.

9:57 - 9:58

It has to exist.

9:58 - 10:00

Or does it?

10:00 - 10:02

Well, call me old-fashioned,

10:02 - 10:05

but I believe that marriage described in the Bible...

10:05 - 10:07

If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it?

10:07 - 10:10

In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bibleman and wife.

10:10 - 10:13

And you're the wife! ( laughing)

10:13 - 10:15

Hey, you owe me 200 bucks.

10:15 - 10:17

Homer, your impulsive marriages

10:17 - 10:19

are gonna lead to a lot of divorces.

10:19 - 10:22

Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages,

10:22 - 10:24

which will put more green in the blue.

10:24 - 10:25

The blue being my pants.

10:27 - 10:30

I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there.

10:30 - 10:32

KRUSTY: If I may say a word?

10:32 - 10:35

Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the Clown. Krusty?

10:35 - 10:37

I want to clear up a misconception

10:37 - 10:40

about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich.

10:40 - 10:44

I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals.

10:44 - 10:46

Everyone does it.

10:46 - 10:48

( forced laugh) They... ha... uh...

10:48 - 10:51

Oh, Homie, I'm so proud of you.

10:51 - 10:53

You stood up for people's right

10:53 - 10:55

to express love in its most perfect form,

10:55 - 10:58

a binding legal contract.

10:58 - 10:60

( doorbell rings)

11:01 - 11:04

Hey, Saturated Fats, I came to ask you a favor.

11:04 - 11:05

Let me get my belt sander.

11:05 - 11:07

Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.

11:07 - 11:10

Very funny. I wasn't joking.

11:10 - 11:12

( sander whirring) I'm getting married,

11:12 - 11:14

and I need you to perform the ceremony.

11:14 - 11:16

( gasps): You're getting married?!

11:16 - 11:18

Patty, that's wonderful!

11:18 - 11:20

So, tell, tell, who's the lucky man?

11:20 - 11:22

What does he do? Let me guess.

11:22 - 11:25

Mmm. Does he work in customer support?

11:25 - 11:27

You can guess all night and never get it.

11:27 - 11:29

( takes deep breath)

11:29 - 11:30

Her name's Veronica.

11:30 - 11:33

But Veronica's a girl's name.

11:33 - 11:34

Did you know that?

11:34 - 11:37

I'm marrying a woman.

11:37 - 11:39

I'm... I'm gay.

11:39 - 11:41

( quiet gasp)

11:41 - 11:43

You're not disappointed, are you?

11:43 - 11:44

Oh, no. No, no.

11:44 - 11:48

No, I'm just... surprised.

11:48 - 11:50

Yeah, big surprise.

11:50 - 11:52

Hey, Marge, here's another bomb:

11:52 - 11:54

I like beer.

11:54 - 11:55

( laughing)

11:58 - 12:00

So, Patty,

12:00 - 12:02

you're a woman who likes women.

12:02 - 12:04

I guess that fear I always had

12:04 - 12:06

of you stealing Homer away is unfounded.

12:06 - 12:07

( spitting)

12:07 - 12:09

Marge, I'd be a lot more worried

12:09 - 12:10

about me leaving you

12:10 - 12:12

for a sausage patty than your sister Patty.

12:12 - 12:13

( laughs)

12:13 - 12:14

( screams)

12:14 - 12:16

Next time it'll be your eye.

12:16 - 12:19

Marge, did you really think I was straight?

12:19 - 12:22

Well, I guess I should have seen the signs.

12:22 - 12:25

♪ Que sera, sera♪

12:25 - 12:29

♪ Whatever will be will be ♪

12:29 - 12:33

♪ The future's not ours to see ♪

12:33 - 12:36

♪ Que sera, sera♪

12:36 - 12:39

♪ What will be will be. ♪

12:39 - 12:42

You could see it from space, Marge.

12:42 - 12:44

This isn't a problem for you, is it?

12:44 - 12:45

Oh, no. No, no.

12:45 - 12:46

Why would it be?

12:46 - 12:49

I love you, I love gay marriage,

12:49 - 12:52

so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't

12:52 - 12:53

love your gay marriage, right?

12:53 - 12:56

Now Patty, here's a veil I picked out

12:56 - 12:58

just for you.

12:58 - 12:60

( sniffs)

12:60 - 13:01

Smells like cheeseburgers.

13:01 - 13:02

Give it back!

13:02 - 13:04

( sniffs)

13:04 - 13:06

Why are we dressed as Sunday Best Simpsons

13:06 - 13:07

for dinner with Aunt Patty?

13:07 - 13:11

Because she's bringing over someone very special.

13:11 - 13:14

Her fiancée.

13:14 - 13:16

Is this one of those reality deals where a guy

13:16 - 13:18

gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty,

13:18 - 13:20

but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?

13:20 - 13:23

Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard.

13:23 - 13:26

And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it.

13:26 - 13:28

( dialing)

13:28 - 13:30

RECORDED VOICE: You've reached Fox.

13:30 - 13:32

If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks

13:32 - 13:34

get what's coming to them, press one.

13:34 - 13:36

If you're pitching a rip-off

13:36 - 13:39

of another network's reality show, press two.

13:39 - 13:40

Please stay on the line.

13:40 - 13:43

Your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

13:43 - 13:47

Actually your aunt is marrying a very lucky...

13:47 - 13:49

woman.

13:49 - 13:50

I thought you said Aunt Patty

13:50 - 13:52

was just waiting for the right man.

13:52 - 13:53

As opposed to you,

13:53 - 13:56

who grabbed the first blimp that floated by.

13:56 - 13:57

Correction.

13:57 - 13:59

The first blimp who got her pregnant.

13:59 - 14:01

Seriously Dad, I'm worried.

14:01 - 14:02

You should go on a diet.

14:02 - 14:04

Why you little...

14:04 - 14:05

( grunting)

14:05 - 14:06

( doorbell chimes)

14:06 - 14:07

Save my place.

14:10 - 14:11

( unenthusiastic grunting)

14:13 - 14:16

This is my fiancée, Veronica.

14:16 - 14:18

It's a pleasure to meet you all.

14:18 - 14:20

So Veronica, what do you do?

14:20 - 14:21

I'm a pro golfer.

14:21 - 14:23

No surprises there.

14:24 - 14:26

Aunt Patty, where did you two meet?

14:26 - 14:28

Alternative book store?

14:28 - 14:29

Ethiopian restaurant?

14:29 - 14:31

It was so romantic--

14:31 - 14:33

like a scene from a Hollywood movie.

14:33 - 14:35

Yeah, Bride of the Monster.

14:35 - 14:38

( shrieking)

14:38 - 14:42

I was at the LPGA Ritz Bitz Celebrity Pro-Am.

14:42 - 14:43

Lady golfers?

14:43 - 14:45

I thought we played this stupid game

14:45 - 14:47

to get away from the women.

14:47 - 14:49

With the yak, yak, yak and the spend, spend, spend.

14:49 - 14:50

Am I right?

14:50 - 14:52

( booing)

14:52 - 14:53

Hey, clown.

14:53 - 14:55

Watch out for this lady driver.

14:57 - 14:60

Are you all right?

14:60 - 15:03

Never better.

15:03 - 15:08

( hacking, coughing)

15:08 - 15:11

I'll bet that's how angels cough.

15:11 - 15:15

I've been wearing that three wood ever since.

15:17 - 15:18

Whoa.

15:18 - 15:20

Save something for your wedding night.

15:20 - 15:22

Oh, we're saving everything for our wedding night.

15:22 - 15:25

Mm-hmm, that's what Mom would want.

15:25 - 15:28

I don't think it's exactly what Mom would want.

15:28 - 15:30

Marge, are you sure you're okay with this?

15:30 - 15:31

Of course.

15:31 - 15:33

Everyone should do whatever they want.

15:33 - 15:35

Take a bear to church.

15:35 - 15:36

Read a book with your feet.

15:36 - 15:38

Change your name to Gooble-Glop.

15:38 - 15:40

Oh, I get it.

15:40 - 15:43

You act all liberal, but you can't handle it

15:43 - 15:46

when your sister finds love in her own locker room.

15:47 - 15:49

Marge, if you can find it in your heart

15:49 - 15:51

to accept me for who I am,

15:51 - 15:54

I would love to see you at the ceremony.

15:54 - 15:57

If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral.

15:57 - 15:59

( grunting)

15:59 - 15:60

( giggles)

15:60 - 16:01

Which should be pretty soon.

16:01 - 16:02

Got him!

16:02 - 16:03

Uh-oh.

16:07 - 16:10

What am I not invited to this time?

16:10 - 16:12

Gay wedding. But I can get you in.

16:12 - 16:14

You can? Is there an open bar?

16:14 - 16:15

No, cash.

16:15 - 16:17

Well, I say this whole thing is against nature.

16:19 - 16:22

So, wanna do a jigsaw puzzle tonight?

16:22 - 16:24

Selma, I'm getting married in an hour.

16:24 - 16:27

I know, I know. I'm just having trouble

16:27 - 16:30

getting used to the idea of being alone.

16:30 - 16:31

Don't lay that on me.

16:31 - 16:34

You got married three times.

16:34 - 16:35

Actually, four.

16:35 - 16:37

You see, last week...

16:37 - 16:39

Disco Stu just got an annulment

16:39 - 16:41

from John Paul Two.

16:41 - 16:43

Boogie down!

16:43 - 16:46

Selma, we'll always be there for each other.

16:46 - 16:49

I don't know about Marge, though.

16:49 - 16:50

If she doesn't show up today,

16:50 - 16:54

I have no non-identical sister.

16:56 - 17:00

Oh Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon,

17:00 - 17:04

as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so.

17:04 - 17:07

And please let thy Holy Spirit open the heart of my wife.

17:07 - 17:08

Amen.

17:08 - 17:11

I just can't believe my sister

17:11 - 17:13

would keep me in the dark all these years

17:13 - 17:15

then expect complete acceptance

17:15 - 17:18

on the day she gets married.

17:18 - 17:20

( whistling)

17:20 - 17:22

You handsome devil.

17:22 - 17:24

Someday they'll let you and me get married.

17:24 - 17:27

Can you imagine the children?

17:27 - 17:29

( children blabbering)

17:29 - 17:30

( erotic moaning)

17:30 - 17:31

I love you, Homer.

17:31 - 17:34

I love you, too, Homer.

17:34 - 17:35

Oh, Homer.

17:39 - 17:40

( gasps)

17:40 - 17:41

( flushing)

17:45 - 17:47

The toilet seat's up.

17:47 - 17:49

But that wouldn't happen unless...

17:50 - 17:53

♪ Yeah, dude looks like a lady ♪

17:53 - 17:56

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

17:56 - 17:57

( gasps)

17:57 - 17:59

She's a man.

17:59 - 18:00

( chuckles)

18:00 - 18:02

Looks like Patty's gonna get

18:02 - 18:04

something she didn't register for.

18:04 - 18:07

( humming "Here Comes the Bride")

18:16 - 18:17

Queerly beloved,

18:17 - 18:21

we're here to join Veronica and Patty in matrimony.

18:21 - 18:23

But the news isn't all good.

18:23 - 18:25

They've written their own vows.

18:25 - 18:26

Patty?

18:26 - 18:29

Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate.

18:29 - 18:32

You are the perfect woman for me--

18:32 - 18:35

truthful, honest, hiding nothing.

18:35 - 18:38

At last I have found the yin to my yin.

18:38 - 18:40

( groans)

18:40 - 18:42

If anyone knows a reason why these two

18:42 - 18:44

should not be joined, let them speak now

18:44 - 18:47

or forever hold their peace.

18:47 - 18:48

No! I can't let this happen!

18:48 - 18:49

I knew it!

18:49 - 18:51

You think everyone in the world

18:51 - 18:53

should have a big dumb man like you!

18:53 - 18:55

People please, can we wrap this up?

18:55 - 18:58

It's gonna rain and I gotta get the bikes in here.

18:58 - 18:60

Patty, it's not what you think.

18:60 - 19:03

Veronica is a man!

19:05 - 19:06

( gasping)

19:06 - 19:09

Look at the size of that Adam's apple!

19:09 - 19:12

Veronica, how could you?

19:12 - 19:14

Patty, I love you,

19:14 - 19:15

but long before we met,

19:15 - 19:17

I disguised myself as a woman

19:17 - 19:19

and lied my way onto the LPGA tour.

19:19 - 19:22

I can see why you lied to other golfers,

19:22 - 19:23

caddies, fans and officials,

19:23 - 19:28

but how could you lie to me and the sponsors?

19:28 - 19:30

Because you fell in love with me as a woman,

19:30 - 19:31

and I didn't want to lose you.

19:31 - 19:34

But now I'm asking you, not as Veronica,

19:34 - 19:37

but as the man I am-- Leslie Robin Swisher.

19:37 - 19:41

Patty, will you marry the real me?

19:45 - 19:47

Hell no, I like girls!

19:47 - 19:48

( gasps)

19:53 - 19:57

Marge, thank you for accepting me for who I am.

19:57 - 19:58

Well, I learned a lesson.