D-ohh!

( screams )

( tires screeching )

Okay, Mother's Day gift check.

Let's see what you got.

I picked Mom a bouquet of Erigeron elatiors.

Daisies.

Flowers.

Hmm?

Oh, flow... yeah.

Lis, your stupid present

will only last a week.

Mine will sit in a closet for years.

Bart, we made her the same thing.

Aw, this is even worse than you think.

Look.

Kids, we're going Mother's Day shopping.

I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years.

Let's see, what would she like?

20 on the trifecta?

Her wedding china back?

( gasps )

I could get Marge a new window

just like this one.

Hey, Dad, why don't we try the Sprawl-Mart?

Yeah, I love Sprawl-Mart.

They've got everything.

Even Christian videos with talking vegetables.

Mighty Yamses,

we are weary of building your food pyramid.

Let my pickles go!

Mm, Moses.

Welcome to Sprawl-Mart.

Grandpa? You have a job?

How dare you challenge my perceptions

of what old people can do.

I'm a greeter.

I'm here to make every visit special.

And to size up potential shoplifters.

Like I can't shoplift with my mouth.

( muffled ): Haw, haw.

Wow, look at all this stuff.

Oh, look, Jaclyn Smith has her own line of axe heads.

Yeah, it's impressive,

but I still haven't found the perfect gift for Marge.

Only imperfect stuff for me.

Hey, look, it's Hairy Ass Tubman.

( both laughing )

Well, well, if it isn't Fatty and Smell-ma.

Your names can't hurt us.

Oh.

Aunts Patty and Selma,

can you help us pick out a Mother's Day gift?

You can give her one of these.

The Kitchen Carnival.

We got one when we appeared

on an episode of The Price is Right,

which the network refused to air.

Apparently, we're not "TV pretty."

Wow, it's a machine

that makes carnival food at home.

"Endorsed by the American Carny Association."

Wow.

I never thought I'd say this,

but you slags are all right.

All this attention.

I feel like a secretary

on Administrative Professionals Day.

Marge, you're going to love my present.

It is so thoughtful,

it makes the kids' gifts look like crap.

( both groaning )

"Kitchen Carnival"?

I love it!

Thank you, Homie.

Oh, Marge, get a room.

( humming tune )

( carnival music playing )

Only my hairdresser knows for sure.

Hmm, dare I pour caramel over the cotton candy?

( insane laughter )

( thunder crashes )

( insane laughter continues )

I'm going to pour caramel on my clothes,

and then finally I can eat my shorts.

( both scream )

What is that?!

This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar.

Dig in.

( noisy chewing )

That's it, kids.

Suckle Daddy's sugar ball.

Chief, that guy shouldn't be in the carpool lane.

His passenger is just a big piece of candy.

I wish mine was.

What? Nothing.

Homer, are you spooning that snack?

That's my old lady.

( snoring )

Huh? Ants!

( birds chirping )

Birds!

( cat meowing )

Cats!

Flanderses!

( sobbing ):

I was saving sugar for my wedding night.

Homie, it's time you got rid of that thing.

All the candy is rotting your brain.

I think you should get rid of her.

Then we can be together... forever!

Maybe you're right, Marge.

Or maybe you're right, candy ball.

No, Marge.

Hmm, then again...

No, Marge. Definitely Marge.

Good-bye, old friend.

I'll think of you whenever I have a stroke or a heart attack.

( grunting )

( growling )

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be killed by a bear.

Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore

about the dangers of smoking.

Smooth.

Homie!

What happened to you?!

Marge, please.

I'm too upset to talk about it.

But seeing you like this is more than I can bear.

Bear?!

( screaming )

BROCKMAN: The angry president woke up,

crawled out of his grave and went back to work.

( chicken clucking )

That sound can mean only one thing--

it's time for another installment of "Kent's Cowards."

Today's clip comes straight from the Springfield dump.

( snarling )

Dad, you got attacked by a bear?

I did a lot of stuff today.

I went to Starbucks,

but you didn't see that on tape.

( whimpering )

( crying )

( sobbing )

( chuckling ) That hilarious footage was shot by

local hunter Grant Conner--

not with a gun, but with a camera.

That's right, Kent.

I often get guns and cameras confused.

One time, tragically, at a wedding...

I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad.

You did the right thing, hiding and crying.

Yeah, we'd rather have a live sissy

mincing around the house than some dead hero any day.

Choke on your candor!

You can strangle Bart,

but you can't strangle your humiliation.

It's a deal.

Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid

of a little old giant grizzly bear.

The only thing my dad's afraid of

is paying child support.

My dad once beat up six employees at KFC,

and he'd been up for three days.

SMITHERS: Homer Simpson,

report to Mr. Burns' office immediately.

( screams )

( whimpering )

( all laughing )

What a delightful practically-based joke.

Hello?

Anyone home?

Marge? Maggie?

( screaming )

The Bear Went Over the Mountain?!

The Berenstain Bears?!

Ah, Goldilocks.

And Three Bears?!

Oh, God, they're in our food.

Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears.

( "Teddy Bear's Picnic" playing )