( laughing )

( bell ringing )

( whistle blows )

( playing the blues )

( honking horn )

D-ohh!

( screams )

( tires screeching )

( groans ) Mmm.

Today we honor three great Americans:

jazz legend Ornette Coleman...

( applause )

...playwright Arthur Miller...

( applause )

Yes! Yes! Ya!

...and all-around genius, Lisa Simpson.

( cheering )

( both chanting ): We're not worthy,

we're not worthy!

Thank you, Mr. Cronkite.

( gasps )

She knows my name!

( humming softly )

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight, I'd like to harangue you about the plight of...

( vacuum cleaner approaching )

Oh, Mom, why did you wake me up?

I dreamt I was at the Kennedy Center Honors.

Well, here's another low-rated annual event: spring cleaning!

Come on. Everyone's helping.

( barking rhythmically )

( grunting rhythmically )

You've got to get rid of those Furbies.

They've turned feral.

( Furbies snarling )

Hmm. This is an interesting old book.

"Molochai desiratum maledictu

nosferatu ascendum corporalis Diabolicus abominabolis..."

Ooh. Mad Libs.

Hey, a box of old videotapes.

"Marge and Homer Get Dirty."

Hey, Lis! Think you're well-adjusted?

I've got something to show you.

MARGE: I can't believe you talked me into this.

HOMER: It's such a mess.

Ooh! Watch the teeth!

Don't go telling your buddies at work about this.

Every tape is pumpkin carving.

Hey, what's this?

"Bart Sad."

If I ever needed proof of the existence of God,

here it is.

( chuckling )

Balki, you're dancing in the toilet!

What, you never heard of Flush Dance?

MAN: Perfect Strangers will return after these commercials.

What a beautiful baby.

( gasps )

What horrible breath!

♪ He's the baby whose mouth smells like death ♪

♪ Run for your life, it's Baby Stink-Breath ♪

( evil laugh )

( breathing hard )

Oh, my God, that's me!

This isn't Bart Sad.

It's Bart's Ad.

Wait. I was in a commercial?

I don't remember this at all.

No more Baby Stink-Breath.

Thanks to the Baby-So-Fresh tri-patch system.

These soothing chemical patches

alter your baby's DNA,

while leaving the RNA untouched.

Ah.

Not safe for babies under two.

( with sing-song voice ): You're Baby Stink-Breath.

You're Baby Stink-Breath.

En Francais.

Vous Etes L'enfant Stink-Breath.

Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah.

BART: How could you make me

Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?

I was going to tell you on my deathbed.

Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials.

And you made a lot of money.

I did? Where is it?

Your father invested it in a college trust fund,

which today must be worth a...

( loudly ): ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

Of course, the stock market's been down lately.

But there must be some sort...

♪ La-la-la-la-la... Nothing left... la-la-la... ♪

You spent all the money I earned?

I needed it.

I had to buy back some incriminating photos.

Look.

See? You're fine.

And then, oops.

Uh-oh. Look out.

I know this looks bad,

but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero.

See? Watch.

I saved you.

You stole my money!

Bart, stop that.

That's okay.

His cute little hands can't even fit around my neck.

He... ( gagging )

Bart, the larynx is not a plaything.

Mom, I am sick of the way he treats me.

He disrespects me,

and I'm just supposed to accept it?

That's right. You're mine till you're 18.

And when you're 17,

I'm going to know the end is near,

so I'm going to work you like a dog.

( growling )

So my dad blew all the money

I made from that embarrassing commercial.

Promise me you won't tell anyone about it.

I won't.

But these things have a way of getting out.

Ha, ha. Baby Stink-Breath.

( grunting )

It was worth it.

I just wish there was some way

to get back at my dad.

When my mom wants to get back at my dad,

she uses her lawyer.

Does it make him cry? More than normal.

Hey, son...

( sobbing )

I've got tickets for the circus.

( sobbing )

Hmm... Badger, Haggle & Bill...

Lovum & Burnham, Family Law...

Hackey, Joke & Dunnit.

Bingo!

I want a divorce from my parents.

You whaaa?!

I said, "I want a divorce from my parents."

Yes, I heard you.

I was just calling my secretary.

Uwa, get me the standard child-divorcing-parent form.

Yes, sir.

I heard a wonderful saying today:

forgive and forget.

Yeah, son, at times like this I just look at my bracelet.

Good point, Dad. What would Jesus do?

Jesus? I thought it was Gepetto.

Aw, pff--

( doorbell rings )

Who is it?

I'm here to serve you with a subpoena.

Well, I'm not opening the door.

It comes with a side of bacon.

Is it crispy?

Yes.

But not too crispy?

No.

( grunts )

See you in court.

Bart, you're suing us?

Yes. I want to be emancipated.

Emancipated?!

Don't you like being a dude?

No, Dad,

it means Bart would be a legal adult

and free to move out of the house.

I wanted a sewing room, but not like this.

Not like this!

Mom, you've always been cool to me,

but Homer is a lousy dad,

and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Hey, my dad was lousy, and I didn't sue him.

I just dumped him

in the cheapest home I could find.

( Grampa yells )

My IV is empty, and my catheter is full.

Mm-hmm.

( humming )

See you tomorrow.

What?! You...!

Bart, using this doll, tell the court

where your father took money from you.

Here and here.

Let the record show that he pulled out

the little pockets of the doll.

Mr. Simpson, your son alleges

that you have an anger-management problem.

Why, you little...!

Uh, I'm sorry, Judge.

That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.

Could the stenographer please read back

the previous statement?

"Why, you little..."

Why, you little...!

( laughing )

Why, you little...! Why, you little...!

All rise for the verdict.

Son, I just want you to know

whatever that judge decides,

I'm going to be the best dad I can.

No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own...

Whoo-hoo! You're still mine!

And you thought I was a bad dad before.

...except in this case!

Guh-ull!

That boy's about as safe living with you

as a crawdad in a gumbo shack.

Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated.

Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages

until Bart is fully repaid.

Mmm... garnish.

That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.

What the...?

Half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife.

What's left for Moe?

Homer, don't make things worse.

I'll show you worse!

( yelling )

( blow lands )

I was told this would be televised!

How can I fit my whole life into a suitcase?

Maybe if I move that thing there.

Perfect.

Bart, where are you going to live?

With the money Dad's paying me,

I rented a loft downtown.

Do you even know what a loft is?

No. I assume it has hay.

Oh, I'm going to miss you.

Here's something to remember me by.

Ow! Indian burn.

Look at it.

Aw, that's so sweet.

If I did it right, it's permanent.

Please, don't go, Bart.

I'll let you swear in the house.

Everything but the big three.

Sorry, Mom, I just can't.

Not as long as he's here.

Oh, honey, I can't believe this is happening.

I'll miss you so much.

Either give me some of that or let's get going.

Sorry, Mom, I got to go.

Go ahead, leave.

You'll come crawling back!

( taps roof )

That's right.

Crawling on your knees!

( gasping )

Crawling!

Oh... he's really gone.

( sobbing )

( wailing ): He's gone!

( Mary Tyler Moore Show theme playing )

Well, here I am on my own.

And I'm going to make it, world!

( pounding on ceiling )

MAN: Be quiet in there!

Some of us are trying to sell drugs!

Look out, Son.

This one's got a little mustard on it.

Attaboy!

We just won the World Series!

You and me together! Yeah!

( laughing )

( gasping )

He should have done that with the real Bart

when he had the chance.

( screaming )

Being a free man is great, Milhouse.

I can draw on myself with a magic marker.

Boy, I wish I was a free man.

Mom, where's Puppy Goo Goo?

Oh, Puppy Goo Goo, fetch me a dream.

( toy squeaks )

( sighs )

( laughs nervously )

Boy, it's really empty in here.

( siren wails in distance )

Now, calm down.

I'm perfectly safe.

Murder's illegal in this state.

( gasps )

( screams )

Okay, that was just my imagination.

( snarling ) Mommy!

Not up! Down!

Oh, I'm going to die in my jammies.

( loud rock playing )

Hey, it's an emancipated minor.

What's your name?

I'm-I'm Bart Simpson and...

Hey, are you skateboarding legend Tony Hawk?

That's what my business cards say.

Oh, wait, that's my old phone number.

You live in this building?

When I'm not on the road or in rehab for my shattered pelvis.

I hope you don't mind living below

a bunch of pro skaters who like to party.

( chuckles )

I'll adjust.

Hey, Blink 182.

We have names, you know.

Whatever. You can crank it up.

Dude, let's trash this place.

After we get paid.

Nice.

Oh, man, this is the greatest night of my life.

If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad.

He can. There's a web cam right there.

Of all the sites on all the Web, I had to click onto his.

( "As Time Goes By" playing )

( Marge humming )

Oh, darn it.

I keep pouring juice for five.

( laughs )

Did you see that, boy?

Your mom thinks you're still here.

Oh, tomorrow's the day the judge said we can visit Bart.

I think he might come home

if we can show him we can treat him better.

For your information,

I've been taking steps to become a better father.

For the past week,

I've been carrying around this bag of sugar.

It's taught me how to love and care for a child.

( coos )

What the...?

Where the hell's my sugar?

Condoleezza-Marie ain't too playful tonight.

And I don't remember her being this granulated.

Can I put your baby in my coffee?

Well, the doctor said you eat any more baby,

they gonna take your foot.

Thanks for the lift, Tony Hawk.

I got to go now, Tony Hawk.

Cool guy, Tony Hawk.

Bart, you know Tony Hawk?

Please, I'm trying to keep it quiet.

Catch you later, Tony Hawk!

Stay cool, Brett.

( tires squeal )

( distant gunfire )

I don't think this is a good place for a ten-year-old boy.

Here's five dollars--

buy yourself a suit and get busy.