( bell rings )

( whistle blows )

( saxophone solo )

( both honk horns )

D'OH!

( screams )

(vacuum tubes whooshing )

ANIMATION IS SO GREAT.

IT'S WAY BETTER THAN...

WHATEVER THE ALTERNATIVE IS.

SEEMS LIKE ANIMATED SHOWS ARE EVERYWHERE...

OR WERE LAST YEAR.

COOL.

JAPANIMATION.

( pained groaning )

ELECTRO-WEB, DEPLOY!

( grunts)

NOW I CONTROL THE ROBOVERSE!

( laughing)

YOUR LAUGH IS INCORRECT, MEGANAUT!

ACTIVATE PRAWN POWER!

( electronic whooping)

( ripping)

( yells)

( grunts)

( gears whirring)

( machinery activating)

MAN, THAT PRINCESS TEMPURA

IS ONE HECK OF A TRANSFORMAZOID.

WAIT, I'M CONFUSED.

WHY WAS A WOLF SHOOTING A WEB?

CARTOONS DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE.

HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

DADDY, ARE YOU SURE IT'S OKAY FOR US TO WATCH CARTOONS?

MM-HMM. THIS ONE'S FINE AND DANDY, RODDY.

IT'S APPROVED BY A COUNCIL OF PRESBYLUTHERAN MINISTERS.

WHATCHA MAKING THERE, GRAVEY?

IT'S A PIPE BOMB, JOBRIATH

FOR TO BLOW UP PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

I DON'T KNOW, GRAVEY.

I'M SICK OF YOUR LACK OF FAITH.

HMM?

( moaning )

BUT, GRAVEY...

( loud explosion)

( organ music playing)

YAY! YAY!

AND THEN I CREATED THE VOICE OF YELLOW-BELLIED YAK.

( as cowardly lion): ALL I NEED IS SOME COURAGE.

COURAGE, I TELL YOU.

EXCUSE ME

BUT ISN'T THAT VOICE

VERY SIMILAR TO THE COWARDLY LION?

ALSO, SIR, YOUR LOUDMOUTH LEOPARD

IS A RIP-OFF OF JACKIE GLEASON.

( as Jackie Gleason): HOMINA, HOMINA, HOMINA, HOMINA.

AND KLUTZY KAT

SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE JERRY LEWIS

WITH THE STEALING AND THE LAWSUIT!

AND OH, NICE JUDGE, DON'T HURT A PERSON WITH THE THING.

( moaning)

( kissing sounds)

( screams)

Director: And... cut!

Announcer: AFTER A TOUGH DAY ON THE SET,

HOW DO ITCHY AND SCRATCHY RELAX?

WITH LARAMIE EXTRA-TAR CIGARETTES.

( as Rochester): HERE'S YOUR SMOKE, MR. ITCHY.

THANK YOU, LOUIE.

MM-HMM! AND NOW THERE'S MORE NICO-GLYCEROL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THEM.

I JUST KNOW I CAN'T STOP SMOKING THEM.

( all laughing)

( hacking coughs)

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAS THAT CAT MAKING OUT WITH THAT MOUSE?

'CAUSE IF THEY WERE...

FOLKS, YOU'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS

THE EXCITING NEW PROCESS OF MOTION-CAPTURE ANIMATION.

NOW, WE'LL NEED A VOLUNT...

Homer: PICK ME! PICK ME!

NOW, WHEN YOU MOVE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY

OUR FURRY FRIEND WILL COPY YOU EXACTLY.

HMM?

HMM! ( chuckling )

♪ I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT ♪

♪ HERE IS MY HANDLE, HERE IS MY SPOUT. ♪

( grunting )

( applause and laughing)

UH, LET ME SEE.

( as Don Corleone): I'LL MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE.

( as Edith Ann): AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

( blows raspberry)

( humming )

( laughing and applause)

THAT DOG'S A RIOT.

THANK YOU.

DON'T SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR PETS.

GOOD NIGHT!

( humming )

( Homer unzips zipper) Zipperooni!

Homer: UH... UH... OH, YEAH.

URINAL CAKE ERODING,

ERODING, ERODING... GONE!

( cheers and applause)

( embarrassed groaning)

THAT MOTION-CAPTURE SUIT IS JUST WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS.

JUST THINK OF ALL THE HILARIOUS MOTIONS

THAT ARE GOING UNCAPTURED, LIKE THIS:

( grunting)

SEE? NOW, WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO SEE THAT MOVE

PERFORMED BY A CARTOON POSSUM?

AN OPOSSUM CAPERING AROUND LIKE THAT

WOULD BE A SMASH HIT.

THAT WOULD BE THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST MARSUPIAL.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT SUIT GIZMO COULD BE WORTH BILLIONS,

AND I'M GOING TO GET A PIECE OF THE ACTION.

( door closes)

( car speeding away)

SO, DOES HE STILL WORK HERE, OR WHAT?

I'D LIKE TO WITHDRAW MY LIFE SAVINGS, PLEASE

AND HURRY!

UH, SIR, THIS IS A JOINT ACCOUNT.

UH, YOU'LL NEED YOUR WIFE'S SIGNATURE, TOO.

OH! YES, OF COURSE.

UH, SHE'S BEHIND THAT PLANT.

HELLO, MARGE.

( as Marge): HI, HOMIE.

( as Homer): SIGN THIS, PLEASE.

( as Marge): YOU'RE THE BOSS.

( as child): DADDY, ASK THE MAN FOR SOME CANDY.

( as Homer): NO, NO. NO CANDY FOR YOU.

( as Lisa): WELL, AT LEAST GET SOME CANDY

FOR YOURSELF.

( chuckling)

KIDS.

( sighs)

HERE'S YOUR CANDY.

SO LONG, SUCKER!

UH, SIR...

YOUR LIFE SAVINGS.

UH, YES, I SEE THAT IT'S IN BILL FORM.

EXCELLENT.

I'D LIKE TO BUY 500 SHARES

OF ANIMOTION, INCORPORATED.

OKAY.

UH, NOW BEFORE I EXECUTE THIS ORDER

ARE YOU SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THE RISKS OF STOCK OWNERSHIP?

ABSOLUTELY.

♪ WE'RE IN THE MONEY ♪

♪ WE'RE IN THE MONEY. ♪

( growling)

YOU HEARD THE MONKEY.

MAKE THE TRADE.

( phone line ringing )

( voice on phone): For automated stock prices

please state the company name.

ANIMOTION.

Animotion: Up one and one-half.

YAHOO!

Yahoo: Up six and a quarter.

HUH? WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

For Broadcasting: Down eight.

SLEEP TIGHT,

MY BELOVED.

YOU'RE MY TICKET

OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE.

HOMER!

SORRY.

OUR TICKET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE.

Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth.

YES!

After plunging

75 points this morning.

OH, I HOPE PLUNGING MEANS UP

AND 75 MEANS 200.

The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy

which is terrible news

for the company's only stockholder: Homer Simpson.

OH!

( cowbell ringing)

Homer: FAMILY MEETING!

FAMILY MEETING!

OKAY, PEOPLE, LET'S KEEP THIS SHORT.

WE ALL WANT TO GET HOME TO OUR FAMILIES.

( all chuckle)

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ITEM:

I LOST OUR LIFE SAVINGS IN THE STOCK MARKET.

NOW, LET'S MOVE ON TO THE REAL ISSUE:

LISA'S HOGGING OF THE MAPLE SYRUP.

WELL, MAYBE IF MOM DIDN'T MAKE SUCH DRY WAFFLES.

THERE, I SAID IT.

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU ATE SOME MEAT

YOU'D HAVE A NATURAL LUBRICANT.

( gasps)

YOU LOST ALL OUR MONEY?

POINT OF ORDER: I DIDN'T LOSE ALL THE MONEY.

THERE WAS ENOUGH LEFT FOR THIS COWBELL.

DAMN YOU, eBAY!

I HAVE A GREAT WAY TO SOLVE OUR MONEY WOES.

YOU RENT YOUR WOMB TO A RICH, CHILDLESS COUPLE.

IF YOU AGREE, SIGNIFY BY GETTING INDIGNANT.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I'M NOT GOING TO BE A SURROGATE MOTHER.

COME ON, MARGE.

WE'RE A TEAM.

IT'S UTER-US, NOT UTER-YOU.

FORGET IT.

YOU KNOW, HOMER, I GOT A GREAT WAY TO MAKE MONEY.

I'M A HUMAN GUINEA PIG.

YOU MEAN, LIKE MEDICAL TESTING?

YEAH, MEDICAL, MILITARY, CHEWING STUFF. CHEWING STUFF?

YEAH, LIKE YOU CHEW ON A TELEPHONE WIRE

TILL YOU GET A SHOCK.

OH, OH, RIGHT. OKAY.

YEAH, BUT AREN'T THOSE EXPERIMENTS DANGEROUS?

AH, YOU GET A FEW SIDE EFFECTS.

ARE THOSE EARS?

OW! NOT SO LOUD!

HMM...

FIRST WE'LL TEST THIS EXPERIMENTAL PERFUME ON YOU.

IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

( screaming)

HMM.

WE'LL CALL IT DESERT BREEZE.

TOGETHER: MM-HMM.

( humming )

THAT APPETITE SUPPRESSANT IS AMAZING.

HOMER, YOU REALLY HAVE NO DESIRE TO EAT THAT FOOD?

FOOD? I'M BLIND!

( screaming)

WHO'S GOING TO BUY A PILL

THAT MAKES YOU BLIND?

WE'LL LET MARKETING WORRY ABOUT THAT.

D-OHH!

D-OHH!

WHERE DID THAT RAT COME FROM?

HE MUST'VE BROUGHT IT IN WITH HIM.

DAMN IT.

MAN, IS HE DUMB.

WHERE DO THEY GET THESE SUBJECTS?

HE'S A LITTLE TOO WELL-FED TO BE A WINO.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

ZOOM IN ON SECTION EIGHT.

ROTATE 20 DEGREES.

( gasping )

MR. SIMPSON, I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE

A CRAYON LODGED IN YOUR BRAIN.

THERE'S A CRAYON IN MY BRAIN?

BUT I'VE HAD THOUSANDS OF HEAD X-RAYS.

HOW COME NO ONE EVER NOTICED IT BEFORE?

OH, I CAN ANSWER THAT.

YOU SEE, WHENEVER I PICK UP AN X-RAY

I ALWAYS HOLD IT LIKE THIS.

MY THUMB MUST HAVE COVERED UP THE CRAYON EVERY TIME.

( chuckling)

I'LL SHOW MYSELF OUT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED?

WELL, I'M NOT SURE, BUT IT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED

WHEN I WAS SIX.

...FOURTEEN...

FIFTEEN...

SIXTEEN!

WOO-HOO!

OH, I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.

( sneezing)

EH, I THINK THAT'S ALL OF THEM.

MR. SIMPSON, THIS COULD BE RESPONSIBLE

FOR YOUR SUBNORMAL INTELLIGENCE.

HEY, I CAME HERE TO BE DRUGGED,

ELECTROCUTED AND PROBED, NOT INSULTED.

WE COULD REMOVE THE CRAYON FOR YOU.

IT COULD VASTLY INCREASE YOUR BRAIN POWER

OR IT COULD POSSIBLY KILL YOU.

HMM, INCREASE MY KILLING POWER, EH?

LET'S DO IT.

( tires screeching )

OH, HOMER.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I JUST UNDERWENT A PROCEDURE

TO INCREASE MY IQ 50 POINTS.

REALLY?

AND THEY GAVE ME

THIS SPIFFY NERD ENSEMBLE, TOO.

DO YOU FEEL SMARTER?

IS THE CAPITAL OF NORTH DAKOTA BISMARCK?

IT IS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

SAY SOMETHING ELSE SMART.

DR. JOYCE BROTHERS MAY BE WELL KNOWN,

BUT HER PSYCHOLOGICAL CREDENTIALS ARE HIGHLY SUSPECT.

IT'S TRUE!

OH! ( gasping)

NOW, WHO'S UP FOR A TRIP TO THE LIBRARY TOMORROW?

NOTICE I NO LONGER SAY "LIBARY" OR "TOMORRY."

I'D LOVE TO GO TO THE LIBRARY WITH YOU.

IT'S A DATE.

DAD, DID YOU READ ALL THESE BOOKS TODAY?

EVERYTHING FROM HOP ON POP TO DEATH BE NOT PROUD.

IT'S SO TRAGIC THE WAY THEY HOPPED ON POP.

I ALWAYS DREAMED YOU'D BE MY LIBRARY BUDDY.

GET OUT.

NO, REALLY.

I THINK BOOKS HAVE AN AMAZING POWER TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER.

LOOK, EVEN CLETUS IS CHECKING ONE OUT.

NOW, HOLT STILL.

NOTHING CRACKS A TURTLE LIKE LEON URIS.

OW! DANG IT! OW!

Announcer: THAT SONATA MAY NOT BE

A GLENN GOULD PERFORMANCE

BUT I MUST SAY IT'S "GOOD AS GOULD."

( laughing)

HEY, FLANDERS, HEADING FOR CHURCH?

WELL, I THOUGHT I COULD SAVE YOU A LITTLE TIME.

OOH, FOUND A NEW SHORTCUT?

BETTER. I WAS WORKING ON A FLAT TAX PROPOSAL,

AND I ACCIDENTALLY PROVED THERE'S NO GOD.

WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT.

UH-OH. WELL, MAYBE HE MADE A MISTAKE.

NOPE, IT'S AIRTIGHT.

CAN'T LET THIS LITTLE DOOZY GET OUT.

( whistling "The Battle Hymn of the Republic)

WELCOME TO THE THIRD LECTURE IN OUR SERIES

ON "NOT PUTTING THINGS UP YOUR NOSE."

PLEASE WELCOME HOMER SIMPSON.

( smattering of applause )

I AM HERE TO GIVE HOPE TO THE LEAST OF YOU

BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE A CRAYON UP OUR NOSE.

MAYBE IT'S NOT A CRAYON MADE OF WAX.

MAYBE IT'S A CRAYON MADE OF PREJUDICE.

QUESTION.

YES, NELSON.

A MORON SAYS WHAT?

NOT BEING A MORON, I WOULDN'T KNOW.

HOWEVER... ( mumbling)

WHAT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I GIVE YOU YOUR MORON.

( Jeering laughter)

YOU SEE, IT'S COOL TO BE SMART.

SO BE LIKE ME, AND USE YOUR MINDS.

PAINT A PAINTING, SING A SONG,

AND DANCE A DANCE.

( cheering)

THANK YOU. UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO BUDGET CUTS

WE ARE CANCELING ART, MUSIC AND DANCE.

PLEASE EVACUATE THE AUDITORIUM

BEFORE IT'S BULLDOZED INTO A MINI-MALL.

( screaming)

SO... IS THAT YOUR USUAL COFFEE MUG?

YUP.

HUH. LOOKS A LITTLE BIGGER.

IT'S NOT.

( humming )

WHATCHA MAILING, HOMER?

I'VE COMPILED A THOROUGH SAFETY REPORT ON THIS PLANT.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT GIVING IT TO MR. BURNS?

I'VE DECIDED TO DISINTERMEDIATE THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES

AND SEND IT STRAIGHT TO THE NUCLEAR REGULATORY COMMISSION.

YEAH, AND JUST IN TIME.

EVERY DAY THERE'S MORE SKIN ON MY PILLOW.

YEAH, IT'S NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE WITH BRAINS

IN THIS NUCLEAR PLANT.

HOMER'S THE GUY WHO RIGGED UP MY PANTS

WITH THIS SPECIAL CODPIECE.

COMFY, ISN'T IT?

OH, YEAH.

IT PROVIDES THE FREEDOM

AND PROTECTION I SO SORELY NEED.

YEAH! YEAH!

IT SEEMS THE FEDERALES

HAVE BEEN TIPPED OFF BY AN ANONYMOUS WHISTLE-BLOWER.

MM-HM.

NOW, WHILE THE PLANT IS BROUGHT UP TO CODE

THERE WILL BE MASSIVE LAYOFFS.

THAT IS TO SAY, TOTAL LAYOFFS.

TOODLES.

( tires squealing)

HUH. WAY TO PUT US OUT OF WORK, GENIUS.

I CAN'T FEED MY FAMILY WITH A CODPIECE.

WAIT, YOU CAN'T HATE ME.

I'M YOUR BETTER.

YOUR BETTER!

OOH, YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, DUM DUM.

( men chanting): BURN! BURN! BURN!

BURN! BURN! BURN!

EFFIGY, EH?

YEAH, NOTHING BURNS LIKE AN EFFIGY.

HEY, THAT'S ME.

STOP THAT.

THE FIRE INSPECTOR WOULD BE APPALLED.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL.

SO YOU ALL HATE ME?

THAT'S RIGHT, BRAINIAC.

YOU COST US OUR JOBS

WHICH WE NEED FOR WORKING.

NOT TO MENTION DRIVING TO.

AND I WAS A LOT HAPPIER

BEFORE I KNEW DAME EDNA WAS A MAN.

A LOT HAPPIER.

YOU AIN'T WELCOME HERE NO MORE, SMART BOY.

HMM. I'M DETECTING A DISTINCT STRAIN

OF ANTI-INTELLECTUALISM IN THIS TAVERN--

AGH!

POWER OFF, EINSTEIN.

LISA, WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?

BEING A BRAIN HAS ALIENATED ME FROM ALL MY FRIENDS.