Homer vs. Dignity

Season 12 / Episode 5

0:19 - 0:21

( bell ringing)

0:26 - 0:28

( whistle blows)

0:39 - 0:41

( playing the blues)

1:01 - 1:02

( honking horn)

1:06 - 1:07

D-Ohh!

1:07 - 1:09

( screaming)

1:09 - 1:10

( tires screeching)

1:10 - 1:13

( cheering)

1:13 - 1:14

( grunts) D-Ohh!

1:26 - 1:28

♪ Happy First "A" ♪

1:28 - 1:31

♪ Bart Simpson ♪

1:31 - 1:34

♪ Happy First "A" ♪

1:34 - 1:38

♪ To you! ♪

1:38 - 1:40

Oh, yes!

1:40 - 1:42

Thank you, thank you.

1:42 - 1:44

Now that our son is an honor student

1:44 - 1:46

I'm going to get one of those bumper stickers

1:46 - 1:49

that informs strangers of that fact.

1:49 - 1:50

Just a cotton- picking minute!

1:50 - 1:52

I've been getting As since Gymboree.

1:52 - 1:53

What do you want, a medal?

1:53 - 1:55

You gave Bart one.

1:56 - 1:58

( whispering): We love you.

1:58 - 2:01

An "A" in Astronomy!

2:01 - 2:02

How'd you do it?

2:02 - 2:03

I just buckled down and studied.

2:03 - 2:04

( laughs)

2:04 - 2:05

No, really.

2:05 - 2:07

Well

2:07 - 2:10

it all started last week in Krabappel's class.

2:13 - 2:14

I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard

2:14 - 2:16

to create an unholy super-creature

2:16 - 2:21

when I saw an even worse crime against nature!

2:21 - 2:24

( both moaning)

2:24 - 2:26

Ah, head lice inspection day.

2:26 - 2:28

While the kids are out getting their nits picked

2:28 - 2:30

we can have our own private cootie call.

2:30 - 2:31

Oh, you talk too much.

2:31 - 2:33

Let's do it on Martin's desk.

2:33 - 2:34

It is usually the cleanest.

2:34 - 2:36

( both grunt)

2:37 - 2:39

Krabappel: Ooh!

2:39 - 2:40

Oh!

2:40 - 2:42

I needed to get my mind on something else.

2:42 - 2:43

Anything else.

2:43 - 2:45

And for the first time in my life

2:45 - 2:47

education was the answer.

2:47 - 2:48

( moaning)

2:48 - 2:49

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars...

2:49 - 2:51

Come on, Edna, don't be tardy!

2:51 - 2:52

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars...

2:52 - 2:54

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune...

2:54 - 2:55

Pluto.

2:55 - 2:57

So when I took the test

2:57 - 2:59

the answers were stuck in my brain.

2:59 - 3:01

It was like a whole different kind of cheating!

3:01 - 3:03

Well, we couldn't be prouder.

3:03 - 3:04

Excuse me, sir.

3:04 - 3:07

Your credit card has been rejected.

3:07 - 3:08

Deadbeat. Deadbeat. Deadbeat.

3:08 - 3:10

Oh, how embarrassing.

3:10 - 3:12

Well, let me just give you one

3:12 - 3:14

of my many other valid...

3:14 - 3:15

Ah! Run! Run!

3:15 - 3:18

♪ They're getting away ♪

3:18 - 3:20

♪ Stop them, Mary Kay ♪

3:22 - 3:23

( gasps)

3:26 - 3:29

Okay, so we can't pay for your precious food.

3:29 - 3:31

What are you going to do about it?

3:31 - 3:37

♪ Baila bamba, baila bamba. ♪

3:37 - 3:39

( plays chord flourish)

3:39 - 3:41

( groans)

3:41 - 3:42

Can we go now?

3:42 - 3:45

No, no, your playing, while technically proficient

3:45 - 3:46

lacks passion.

3:46 - 3:49

Fine, you want passion? I'll give you passion.

3:49 - 3:55

( deep, sultry voice): ♪ Blue Spanish eyes ♪

3:55 - 4:01

♪ Teardrops are falling from your Spanish eyes ♪

4:04 - 4:06

When did this happen?

4:06 - 4:10

When did we become the bottom rung of society?

4:10 - 4:11

I think it was when

4:11 - 4:13

that cold snap killed off all the hoboes.

4:13 - 4:15

Dad, what happened to the back seat?

4:15 - 4:17

I had to sell it for gas money...

4:17 - 4:20

( engine stops)

4:20 - 4:23

Which I spent on a novelty horn.

4:23 - 4:24

( horn plays "Charge!")

4:24 - 4:28

Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.

4:28 - 4:32

Financial panther, eh?

4:32 - 4:34

Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.

4:34 - 4:36

Get him, Sheba!

4:36 - 4:37

( growling)

4:37 - 4:38

Ow, ow!

4:38 - 4:40

I'm on board.

4:40 - 4:41

Man: You haven't set aside

4:41 - 4:43

anything for the future.

4:43 - 4:45

Oh, you know how it is with cops.

4:45 - 4:47

I'll get shot three days before retirement.

4:47 - 4:49

In the business we call it "retirony."

4:49 - 4:50

What if you don't get shot?

4:50 - 4:52

What a terrible thing to say.

4:52 - 4:53

( crying)

4:53 - 4:55

Now, look. You made my wife cry.

4:55 - 4:57

Well, I see you have several mortgages

4:57 - 4:59

credit card debt, no savings

4:59 - 5:02

and you're supporting your father?

5:02 - 5:04

Just give the word and I'll cut him off.

5:04 - 5:05

I couldn't ask you to do that.

5:05 - 5:07

Consider it done.

5:07 - 5:08

Based on these figures

5:08 - 5:10

I'm afraid you'll need to declare bankruptcy...

5:10 - 5:11

several times.

5:11 - 5:12

Just look at this projection.

5:16 - 5:17

( Homer gasps)

5:17 - 5:20

Marge, your posture looks terrible.

5:20 - 5:22

What's interesting is

5:22 - 5:24

you'll continue losing money even after you're dead.

5:24 - 5:27

Your grave sites will go untended and vandalized.

5:27 - 5:28

Ha, ha!

5:28 - 5:29

( coughing)

5:29 - 5:32

Mr. Simpson, your intelligence profile indicates

5:32 - 5:35

that you're too "stupid" to stick to a budget.

5:35 - 5:36

Yes, go on.

5:36 - 5:38

So, let me put this simply:

5:38 - 5:39

you need more money.

5:39 - 5:40

But how do I get it?

5:40 - 5:41

( laughs)

5:41 - 5:42

I'm a financial planner,

5:42 - 5:44

not a financial consultant. Sorry.

5:44 - 5:46

Now, I'd like my fee, please.

5:48 - 5:49

( grunts)

5:49 - 5:51

I know you're not a deaf-mute, Mr. Simpson.

5:51 - 5:54

We've been talking for the last 20 minutes.

5:54 - 5:56

( yells)

6:01 - 6:03

Uh, sir, I have a small personal request.

6:03 - 6:06

Oh, of course, Smithers, anything.

6:08 - 6:10

I disabled the button, sir.

6:10 - 6:11

Anyway, I need some time off.

6:11 - 6:13

As you know, I've been writing a musical

6:13 - 6:14

about the Malibu Stacy Doll.

6:14 - 6:16

A show about a doll?

6:16 - 6:18

( laughing)

6:18 - 6:20

Why not write a musical about the common cat

6:20 - 6:22

or the King of Siam?!

6:22 - 6:24

Give it up, Smithers.

6:24 - 6:25

Actually, sir, we've been booked

6:25 - 6:27

into a small theater in New Mexico.

6:27 - 6:30

Whoa, whoa! Slow down there, maestro.

6:30 - 6:31

There's a new Mexico?

6:31 - 6:34

Yes. I want to go there and make my dream come true.

6:34 - 6:36

I'll just be gone for a week.

6:36 - 6:39

Oh, fine, I can amuse myself.

6:39 - 6:41

Curses, it's jammed!

6:42 - 6:44

Ho, ho, ho, hi-larious!

6:46 - 6:50

With the old ball and chain gone

6:50 - 6:53

maybe I can finally have a little fun at the office.

6:53 - 6:56

Ah, a candy shop!

6:56 - 6:59

Yes, I'll take two pounds of Bristol's Toffee.

6:59 - 7:01

Oh, and don't wrap it too tightly.

7:01 - 7:02

I'm hungry now!

7:05 - 7:08

You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend.

7:09 - 7:11

Ah!

7:11 - 7:14

Wow, I've never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer.

7:14 - 7:15

Uh, yeah, I concur.

7:16 - 7:18

Word-a-day calendar.

7:18 - 7:22

I'm just trying to work up the courage

7:22 - 7:23

to ask Burns for a raise.

7:23 - 7:26

Or a highly paid internship.

7:26 - 7:29

Something to solve my money woes.

7:29 - 7:32

Hmm, this must be some sort of "cafetorium."

7:32 - 7:34

Uh, here's your chance, Homer.

7:34 - 7:37

Mr. Burns just entered the room.

7:41 - 7:43

Hmm...

7:43 - 7:44

( grunting)

7:44 - 7:45

What is this?

7:45 - 7:48

Some kind of force field around these vegetables.

7:48 - 7:49

That's the sneeze guard.

7:49 - 7:51

You have to lean under it

7:51 - 7:52

to get salad or sneeze on stuff.

7:52 - 7:57

Ah, everything's so green and alive.

7:57 - 7:59

Mmm...

7:59 - 8:00

Mr. Burns, I was wondering

8:00 - 8:02

if I could get a raise?

8:02 - 8:04

What kind of a raise?

8:04 - 8:05

Whopping?

8:05 - 8:09

I see. You have 30 seconds to wow me.

8:09 - 8:11

Well, sir, you see, sir

8:11 - 8:14

I've worked here a long time and my wife has a game leg.

8:14 - 8:16

And my kids have game things as well.

8:16 - 8:17

( scoffs)

8:17 - 8:19

I don't want to hear your whining.

8:19 - 8:22

I'm a bored and joyless old man. Give me a larf!

8:22 - 8:24

A larf?

8:24 - 8:26

Okay, let's see what's in the news today.

8:26 - 8:28

Oh, for the love of...

8:28 - 8:29

Hurl this at that!

8:29 - 8:31

At Lenny?

8:31 - 8:32

But he's a war hero.

8:32 - 8:34

Well, let's decorate him, then.

8:34 - 8:35

No!

8:35 - 8:38

Not even for four dollars?

8:38 - 8:39

Ow! My eye!

8:39 - 8:41

I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

8:41 - 8:43

( laughs)

8:43 - 8:46

That was capital! My lung is aching.

8:46 - 8:47

I liked when I threw the pudding.

8:47 - 8:50

Do it again. I'll make it an even eight.

8:50 - 8:51

You're the boss.

8:51 - 8:53

Ow! I'm in hell!

8:53 - 8:54

( laughing)

8:54 - 8:58

Let's keep the laughs coming, eh, Simpson?

8:58 - 9:00

What say I make you my executive

9:00 - 9:02

in charge of recreation.

9:02 - 9:05

No, no. Better yet, my prank monkey.

9:05 - 9:06

Will you keep giving me money?

9:06 - 9:08

I can't have my little monkey

9:08 - 9:09

running around in rags.

9:09 - 9:10

Woo-hoo!

9:10 - 9:12

Hey!

9:12 - 9:14

What are you doing, man?

9:14 - 9:15

That's Carl!

9:15 - 9:17

Let me help you.

9:19 - 9:20

There, there.

9:27 - 9:29

Mr. Burns: All right, prank monkey, let's make mischief.

9:29 - 9:30

98...

9:30 - 9:32

99...

9:32 - 9:33

100!

9:33 - 9:37

Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy.

9:37 - 9:39

Look at that comic book fellow

9:39 - 9:41

calmly eating candy like a Spaniard.

9:41 - 9:44

Time for monkey to shine.

9:46 - 9:50

I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider Man Number One, please.

9:50 - 9:54

And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.

9:56 - 9:57

Saturn's rings!

9:57 - 9:59

Let me get that for you.

10:10 - 10:12

Paper bag, or triple Mylar?

10:12 - 10:15

Uh, no thanks. I'll just eat it here.

10:15 - 10:17

Ooh, no! What are you doing?!

10:17 - 10:18

Good, fair...

10:18 - 10:20

poor!

10:20 - 10:22

( crying)

10:24 - 10:28

( cackling)

10:28 - 10:29

Oh, that was uproarious.

10:29 - 10:30

First-rate job, monkey.

10:30 - 10:32

Do I get paid now?

10:32 - 10:33

Oh, where are my manners?

10:33 - 10:35

There!

10:38 - 10:39

Ow!

10:39 - 10:41

( cackling)

10:41 - 10:43

You're so much more fun than Smithers.

10:43 - 10:46

Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word gay!

10:46 - 10:48

( romantic piano intro)

10:48 - 10:52

♪ Sold separately ♪

10:52 - 10:55

♪ Sometimes I feel like ♪