( ringing school bell )

( playing blues music )

( honks horn )

D-OHH!

( screams )

( groans, gasps )

( clears throat ) I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY YOUR RIDE TO...

AND TOUR OF THE SPRINGFIELD

SHOPPER NEWSPAPER.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE AND I WILL STAY BEHIND

TO REMOVE ALL TRACES OF ASBESTOS

AND THE WORD "EVOLUTION" FROM OUR SCHOOL.

NEXT STOP, MARGARITAVILLE! UH-

OH, THEY'RE STILL HERE. YES.

NOW I'D LIKE TO ASK EACH CHILD TO PAIR UP WITH A BUDDY SO NO ONE GETS LOST.

COME OF THINK OF IT, I HAVEN'T SEEN UTER SINCE THE LAST FIELD TRIP.

( chuckling) UTER? I DON'T REMEMBER ANY UTER.

( chuckling) SILLY NAME. UTER.

DAD, IT'S GREAT THAT YOU VOLUNTEERED TO DRIVE.

BUT HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF WORK?

DON'T WORRY, SWEETIE. DADDY'S GOT IT COVERED.

( Homer) I WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY

SO HARD FOR THE MONEY

OH, I SOMETHING- SOMETHING MONEY

COME ON GIVE ME LOTS OF HONEY

NOW, THERE'S AN EMPLOYEE, SMITHERS.

A SMILE ON HIS LIPS AND A SONG IN HIS HEART.

PROMOTE HIM.

( continues, warbled) TURN TAPE OVER!

HEY, I KNOW HOW WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE...

SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH "D."

DINGUS!

( groans )

GOD BLESS YOU, NELSON MUNTZ.

I'M NO HERO.

I JUST LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE IN THE HEAD.

( tires screeching )

( horn honks )

HEY, YOU ( beep)! YOU CUT ME OFF!.

OH, YEAH! ( beep) YOU!

DAD! THAT'S AN AMBULANCE!

OH, RIGHT.

( horn honks )

( beep) AMBULANCE!

THINK YOU'RE SO BIG WITH YOUR ( beep) SIREN...

AND YOUR LETTERS ON BACKWARDS!

HERE WE ARE, KIDS. THE ZOO.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT, DAD.

EXCEPT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DRIVE US TO THE NEWSPAPER.

( Homer, echoing) D'OH!

( trumpeting )

( bellows )

WELCOME TO THE SPRINGFIELD SHOPPER...

ESTABLISHED IN 1883.

THE NEWSPAPER WAS FOUNDED BY JOHNNY NEWSPAPERSEED...

A 14-YEAR-OLD BOY

WHO ROAMED AMERICA FOUNDING NEWSPAPERS.

IF HE'S SO SMART, HOW COME HE'S DEAD?

OVER THE YEARS, THE SHOPPER MERGED...

WITH THE SPRINGFIELD TIMES, POST, GLOBE, HERALD,

JEWISH NEWS AND HOT SEX WEEKLY...

TO BECOME SPRINGFIELD'S NUMBER-ONE NEWSPAPER.

WOW, A BUSTLING METROPOLITAN NEWSROOM...

FUNNELING SCOOPS FROM ALL OVER THE GLOBE.

HI! ARE YOU INTERESTED IN A SUBSCRIPTION TO THE SHOPPER?

LOW INTRODUCTORY RATES!

NO, YOU GOTTA HELP OL' GIL.

WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE TO KEEP YOU ON THE PHONE?

DANCE FOR YA? BUT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN SEE IT. YOU--

( chuckling) ALL RIGHT. I'M DANCIN'!

( humming )

AND THIS IS OUR COMIC STRIP DEPARTMENT.

WHO HERE READS MARY WORTH?

LET'S MOVE ON.

THIS IS WHERE WE STORE ANN LANDERS AND DEAR ABBY

FOR THEIR 23 HOURS OF DAILY SLEEP.

MY ADVICE IS TO FREE US OR LET US DIE!

CHECK IT OUT, DAD.

YOU CAN PRINT OUT THE HEADLINE FROM THE DAY YOU WERE BORN.

OOH! POINTLESS NOSTALGIA!

I'D SURE HATE TO BE HIM. ( laughs, groans)

AND TO PROTECT MOTHER EARTH...

EACH COPY CONTAINS A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF RECYCLED PAPER.

AND WHAT PERCENT IS THAT?

ZERO!

ZERO'S A PERCENT.

HEY, I SMELL CAKE. CAKE THAT SAYS--

( sniffs) "FAREWELL" AND--

( sniffs, gasps) "BEST WISHES!"

YOUR OLD MAN HAS AN AWESOME NOSE.

OH, THAT'S NOTHING. HE CAN HEAR PUDDING.

SO, MIMI, THIS LITTLE SHINDIG IS OUR WAY OF SAYING FAREWELL

TO OUR FAVORITE FOOD CRITIC.

WHAT CAN I SAY EXCEPT THANKS FOR THE PREDICTABLE CHAMPAGNE

PIZZA THAT'S HARDLY NUMERO UNO

AND ICE CREAM CAKE WHICH REMINDS US

WHY MAKE 31 FLAVORS WHEN YOU CAN'T GET VANILLA RIGHT?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO HER.

I MEAN, AGAIN.

( gulping, grunting )

WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY RETIREMENT PARTY?

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WANDERED OFF FROM THE TOUR.

AT LEAST YOU LIKE THE FOOD.

OH, I LIKE FOOD, ALL RIGHT.

♪ I LIKE PIZZA, I LIKE BAGELS ♪

♪ I LIKE HOT DOGS WITH MUSTARD AND BEER ♪

I GET THE PICTURE.

♪ I'LL EAT EGGPLANT ♪

♪ I COULD EVEN EAT A BABY DEER ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT BABY DEER ON THE LAWN THERE ♪

ENOUGH ALREADY!

SORRY.

HEY, LISTEN.

I JUST HAD A THOUGHT.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A NEW FOOD CRITIC...

SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY POOH-POOH EVERYTHING HE EATS.

NO, IT USUALLY TAKES A FEW HOURS.

UH- LOOK...

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A TRYOUT.

WRITE A 500-WORD SAMPLE REVIEW.

IF IT PASSES MUSTER, WE'LL PUT YOU ON STAFF.

THANKS FOR THE CHANCE.

YOU WON'T NEVER REGRET THIS, MR. EDITING GUY.

YOU KNOW, HOMIE...

THE "E" DOESN'T WORK ON THAT TYPEWRITER.

WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' "E."

"RESTAURANT REVIEW." NO.

"EATERY EVALUATION?" NO.

( gasps) "FOOD BOX-GO OR NO GO, BY HOMER-" NO.

EARL- NO! BILL SIMPSON!

( laughing )

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER READ.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

WELL, YOU KEEP USING WORDS

LIKE "PASGHETTI" AND "MOMATOES."

YOU MAKE NUMEROUS THREATENING REFERENCES TO THE U.N.

AND AT THE END YOU REPEAT THE WORDS "SCREW FLANDERS"...

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

OH, IT'S SO HARD TO GET TO 500 WORDS.

OH, LOOK, HOMER, I'M SORRY--

NO, NO! YOU'RE RIGHT! IT'S A JOKE! ( chuckles)

EVERYONE LAUGH AT THE FUNNY JOKE! HA-HA!

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE REAL REVIEW.

( door slams )

( Homer whimpering )

STILL NOT CLEAN. STINK OF FAILURE STILL ON ME.

( knocking )

Lisa:DAD,

I'M SORRY THE EDITOR DIDN'T LIKE YOUR REVIEW.

I'LL HELP YOU WRITE A NEW REVIEW

IF YOU'LL JUST LET ME USE THE BATHROOM!

STILL NOT CLEAN. STILL NOT CLEAN!

OKAY, WHAT RESTAURANT DID WE REVIEW?

WELL, WE WENT TO PATE LABELLE LAST WEEK.

HOW ABOUT THAT? GREAT.

NOW, LET ME THINK. THE FOOD WAS--

MMM-- NOT UNDELICIOUS.

THE FOOD IS DELICIOUS.

( gasps) THAT'S BRILLIANT.

THEN I HAD THE SWEET, SWEET CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.

REALLY, THE ONLY WORD FOR IT IS--

( groaning )

HMM. WHAT'S THE ENGLISH EQUIVALENT FOR ( groaning)

I'D SAY "TRANSCENDENT."

HOW ABOUT "GROIN-GRABBINGLY TRANSCENDENT"?

UH, I DON'T THINK SO.

WE MAKE A GOOD TEAM.

A GROIN-GRABBINGLY GOOD TEAM.

497, 498 WORDS.

HMPH.

HOW ABOUT "SCREW FLANDERS"?

BON APPETIT.

EHH, BOTH'S GOOD.

NOT BAD! NOT BAD AT ALL!

WE'RE GONNA RUN THIS ON PAGE ONE...

OF SECTION H-2.

WHOO-HOO! STOP THE PRESSES!

( gasps )

( alarms blaring )

OKAY, START THE PRESSES!

THAT TAKES FOUR HOURS.

WHATEVER. I'LL BE AT MOE'S.

THIS IS SO EXCITING, HOMIE. YOUR FIRST RESTAURANT REVIEW.

MARGE. SHH.

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT NO ONE KNOWS THAT I'M A FOOD CRITIC.

HEAR THAT, MAUDE? HOMER'S A CRITIC.

HOMER'S A CRITIC. PASS IT ON.

DID YOU HEAR? HOMER'S A CRITIC.

QUIT CHANGING THE SUBJECT!

WHERE IS UTER?

WE JUST WANT CLOSURE.

ARR! HERE YOU ARE.

ONE CRITIC'S SPECIAL.

IF ANYTHING APPEARS TO BE MOVIN'

THAT'S JUST FRESHNESS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, MARGE?

THIS JOB IS THE GREATEST. THEY'RE PAYING ME TO EAT!

IF YOU COULD JUST GET SOMEBODY TO PAY YOU FOR SCRATCHING YOUR BUTT,

WE'LL BE ON EASY STREET.

WHY, YOU LITTLE-

( groaning )

WAH! MY FIRST PUBLISHED ARTICLE

ALTHOUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME IS ON IT.

HEH-HEH.

WELCOME TO THE HUMILIATING WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL WRITING.

BUT THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

WELCOME TO PLANET SPRINGFIELD...

THE RESTAURANT OWNED BY ME, CHUCK NORRIS...

JOHNNY CARSON'S THIRD WIFE AND THE RUSSIAN MAFIA.

EACH PLANET SPRINGFIELD

IS FILLED WITH PRICELESS HOLLYWOOD GEWGAWS.

( gasps) THERE'S THE COFFEE MUG FROM HEARTBEEPS

AND THERE'S THE CANE FROM CITIZEN KANE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE WAS NO CANE IN CITIZEN KANE.

AND THERE'S THAT AWFUL SCRIPT FROM THE CABLE GUY.

LEMME SEE. STUPID SCRIPT!

NEARLY WRECKED JIM CARREY'S CAREER!

YOU-- ( grunting)

I'M GONNA-WHAT?

THE FOOD IS EXQUISITE.

AND THE VIEW IS... BEAUTIFUL...

INSPIRATIONAL...

NAUSEATING- ( groans)

HEY, HOMER!

GREAT CALL ON THAT CHICKEN PLACE.

AND ON THAT RIB PLACE!

I NEVER KNEW EVERYTHING WAS SO GOOD!

LOOK, MARGE. I'M MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLE'S LIVES.

YES, SIMPSON, YOUR LOVE OF FOOD IS CONTAGIOUS.

I'VE NEVER FELT JOLLIER.

( cracking )

OOH. THERE GO MY SHIN BONES AGAIN.

HEY, HOMER, COME HERE.

( gasps)

ARE YOU GONNA FIRE ME FOR SWIPING OFFICE SUPPLIES?

NO.

WHEW!

( clacking )

SOME OF YOUR FELLOW CRITICS WANTED TO MEET YOU.

THIS IS GARTH TRALAWNEY, TV CRITIC.

WHY, YOU--YOU MADE THEM CANCEL PLATYPUS MAN!

HOMER!

THIS IS OUR THEATER CRITIC, DAPHNE BEAUMONT.

AND THE COSBY MYSTERIES!

THAT SHOW HAD LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES!

HOMER, PLEASE!

SORRY.

JAMIE KILLDAY, FARM SUPPLY CRITIC.

JUST GOT BACK FROM THE GOPHER POISON SHOW IN PARIS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PEOPLE--

THE DAYS OF CLUBBING THEM WITH A BASEBALL BAT ARE OVER!

FOR YOU, PERHAPS.

LISTEN, WE'VE BEEN MEANING

TO HAVE A TALK WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR REVIEWS.

EVERYTHING'S A RAVE. "NINE THUMBS UP"?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

I'VE GIVEN OUT MY SHARE OF BAD REVIEWS.

THE ONLY BAD REVIEW YOU GAVE WAS

TO A SLICE OF PIZZA YOU FOUND UNDER THE COUCH.

IT LOST SOME POINTS 'CAUSE IT HAD A HOT WHEEL ON IT.

GOOD LORD, YOU'RE A CRITIC!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE EVERYTHING, E.G., MY LATEST REVIEW.

( clears throat) WE SEE "JOHN DEERE HAS COME OUT

WITH THIS YEAR'S LINE OF ROTOTILLERS.

"SURPRISE, SURPRISE-- THEY'RE GREEN!

I SAY IT'S TIME TO SEND JOHN DEERE A 'DEAR JOHN."'

( laughing) OH, THAT'S CLASSIC!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PATRONIZE ME.

AAA--OKAY.

LORD, THY DAUGHTERS...

GONERIL, REGAN AND CORDELIA.

WHAT IS THIS, MERRY OLD ENGLAND OR PETTICOAT JUNCTION?

( laughing )

( audience booing, hissing, heckling )

( groaning )

LIGHTEN UP. IT'S A COMEDY.

( whispers) NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT? ( groans)

HMM. THIS PEA SOUP IS AS WEAK AS THE ACTING AND NOWHERE NEAR AS HAMMY.

DAD! THAT'S SO MEAN!

THE OTHER CRITICS TOLD ME TO BE MEAN.

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GIVE IN TO PEER PRESSURE.

BUT WHAT IF SOMEONE BAD TELLS ME TO--

ALWAYS!

HUH? HUH?

WHOA! THIS MATERIAL STINKS!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUNCH IT UP ON THE FLY.

OH, I GOT ONE!

HOW DO YOU MAKE A KING LEAR? PUT THE QUEEN IN A BIKINI!

( audience booing ) ( chuckles, groans ) HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

"KNOCK KNOCK." "WHO'S THERE?"

"JULIET." "JULIET WHO?"

JULIET SO MUCH PASTA FAZOOL, ROMEO DOESN'T WANT HER ANYMORE!

( laughing )

( booing continues )

WHOA, TOUGH CROWD. THEY'RE BOOING SHAKESPEARE!

MMM.

UH, NOT BAD...

IF LASAGNA IS ITALIAN FOR "PILE OF PUKE"!

AAH! I CHOPP-A YOU GOOD!

( shouts in foreign language )

WELL, I HOPE YOU CUT ME BETTER THAN YOU DID THESE STRING BEANS.

HMM. I SEEM TO BE MISSING A PIECE OF MY EAR. TOUCHE.

WHO WANTS PORK CHOPS?

MMM.

SORRY, MARGE.

I'M AFRAID THIS GETS MY LOWEST RATING EVER--SEVEN THUMBS UP.

YOU ALWAYS LIKED MY PORK CHOPS.