Bart the Mother
Season 10 / Episode 3

D-OHH!

( screams )

( all grunting )

( Lisa wails )

( Homer yells )

MAIL CALL!

GATHER ROUND, EVERYONE!

ALL RIGHT, ONE FOR "RESIDENT."

THAT'S ME!

WELL, THAT'S IT.

ONE STINKIN' LETTER?

WHY'D YOU MAKE US GATHER ROUND LIKE THAT?

I NEEDED MY POWER FIX. ( sighs )

Marge: HEY, LISTEN TO THIS.

"CONGRATULATIONS!

YOUR CHILD, OR CHILDREN,

HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO APPEAR

IN WHO'S WHO AMONG AMERICAN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS.

( gasps, belches )

PLEASE SUBMIT THEIR NAMES ALONG WITH $95

FOR EACH HANDSOME VOLUME YOU WISH TO ORDER."

OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO PROUD!

( kissing )

YOU BOTH DESERVE A BIG, BIG REWARD!

MOM, THEY PUT EVERY KID IN AMERICA IN THAT BOOK

JUST SO GULLIBLE PARENTS WILL BUY IT.

IT'S ALL A BIG SCAM.

( muttering ) SHUT UP.

ARE YOU SURE?

I CAN USUALLY SMELL A SCAM FROM TWO TOWNS OVER.

YEAH, LISE.

SHE IS A SMART, SOPHISTICATED WOMAN.

NOW, LET'S HEAR MORE ABOUT THAT BIG, BIG REWARD.

YEAH, QUIT STALLING, MARGE. WE WANT OUR REWARD.

ONE REWARD COMING UP!

( Marge ) TA-DA!

Lisa: YEA! WAY TO GO!

Bart: ALL RIGHT!

( grunts ) MAN, IT FEELS GOOD TO GET OUT OF THAT CAR.

OOH! GO KARTS! COME ON, EVERYBODY! LET'S GO!

( laughing ) LOOK AT ME, BART!

I'M DRIVING!

WE'RE ALL PROUD OF YOU, DAD.

MOVE IT, POKEY.

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE.

( humming )

EASY, EASY. STICK WITH THE PLAN.

WHOA!

UH, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

UH, I THINK SO.

HOW ABOUT NOW?

( screams )

HA-HA!

THAT WAS NO ACCIDENT. SHAME ON YOU, NELSON.

CRAM IT, MA'AM.

STAND BACK AND WATCH THE PRO.

SHOULDN'T YOU PUT ON A BATTING HELMET?

NAH. THEY MESS UP MY HAIR.

( grunts ) OOH! BALL ONE.

( grunts ) BALL TWO!

( chuckles ) THIS BOZO'S GONNA WALK ME.

HEY! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, YOU-

( groaning )

WHY, YOU-AAH! HEY, YOU- ( grunts )

YOU BETTER-AAH! I'M GONNA-AAH!

IF YOU DO- D'OH!

HANG IN THERE, DAD!

JUST HALF A BASKET LEFT!

WOW, YOU SURE GET A LOT OF BALLS FOR A QUARTER.

HMM.

( bell ringing )

Lisa: YES! A MAGGIE-OOP!

( buzzing )

MM-HMM.

HEY, THAT'S CHEATING!

( humming )

HMM!

OKAY, WHAT CAN I GET FOR 12- COUNT 'EM- 12 PRIZE TICKETS?

TWO THUMBTACKS AND A MUSTACHE COMB.

OR FIVE RUBBER BANDS AND AN ICE CUBE.

WHAT CAN I GET FOR 8,000 TICKETS?

A BB GUN OR AN EASY-BAKE OVEN.

HMM. HOT FOOD IS TEMPTING.

BUT I JUST CAN'T SAY NO TO A WEAPON.

( gasps )

WHOA! CAN I TRY THAT SOMETIME?

YEAH, SURE. NEVER HURTS TO HAVE A SECOND SET OF PRINTS ON A GUN.

WOW, THANKS, NELSON.

I'LL COME BY YOUR HOUSE LATER!

OH, NO, YOU WON'T.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM NELSON MUNTZ.

BUT, MOM-

NELSON'S A TROUBLED, LONELY, SAD LITTLE BOY.

HE NEEDS TO BE ISOLATED FROM EVERYONE.

BUT, MOM-

YES?

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

SO, WHAT PRIZE DID YOU END UP GETTING?

MUSTACHE COMB. WHAT'D YOU GET?

FAKE MUSTACHE.

WANNA COMB IT?

( groans ) THIS SUCKS.

TIME TO PUNCH OUT OF THIS YAWN FACTORY.

I'M GOING TO NELSON'S.

BUT MOM SAID NOT TO.

SHE DOESN'T SCARE ME.

I DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.

OH, GOD! INCHWORMS!

WON'T YOU GET IN TROUBLE IF YOUR MOM SEES YOU DOING THAT?

NAH. MY MOM'S GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS.

SHE DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT I DO.

WOW, YOU ARE SO LUCKY.

COME ON. LET'S LOCK AND LOAD.

YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT WITHOUT A SCARF, ARE YA?

NAH, I DON'T NEED ONE.

HMM. IT'S YOUR HEALTH.

THINK I CAN HIT THAT BOTTLE?

YEAH, PROBABLY.

SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

THAT'S MY DAD'S SHOOTIN' CAR.

JUST THREE MORE PAYMENTS AND IT'S OURS.

OH, COOL. CAN I GET A SHOT NOW?

HANG ON!

FIRST, HOW ABOUT I TRY AND PEG YOU IN THE STOMACH?

MMM, NO, THANKS.

OR WHAT ABOUT YOU PUT ON THESE NERD GLASSES AND I SHOOT 'EM OFF?

NO WAY! COME ON! QUIT HOGGIN' THE GUN!

( chirping )

BET YOU CAN'T HIT THAT BIRD.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I DON'T WANT TO SHOOT A STUPID BIRD.