( bell rings)

( horn blows)

( plays blues solo)

( horn honks)

D-OH!

( screams )

♪ BOY, THE WAY THE BEE GEES PLAYED ♪

♪ MOVIES JOHN TRAVOLTA MADE ♪

♪ GUESSING HOW MUCH ELVIS WEIGHED ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪

♪ WATCHING SHOWS LIKE GENTLE BEN ♪

♪ MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN LIKE SHERIFF LOBO AGAIN ♪

♪ DISCO DUCK AND FLEETWOOD MAC ♪

♪ COMING OUT OF MY EIGHT-TRACK ♪

♪ MICHAEL JACKSON STILL WAS BLACK ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS. ♪

( applause )

Announcer:THE SIMPSONS IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

HEY, THERE, MEATHEAD, WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

I THOUGHT I'D CHECK OUT THE WARNER BROTHERS NETWORK.

♪ WE'RE PROUD TO PRESENT ON THE WB ♪

♪ ANOTHER BAD SHOW THAT NO ONE WILL SEE. ♪

I NEED A DRINK.

Announcer: IT'S THE TV MOVIE OF THE YEAR-- THE KRUSTY THE CLOWN STORY.

BOOZE, DRUGS, GUNS, LIES, BLACKMAIL AND LAUGHTER.

STARRING FYVUSH FINKEL AS KRUSTY THE CLOWN.

I WENT THROUGH A FIVE-YEAR ORGY

OF NONSTOP PILLS AND BOOZE

WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT

BUT FOUR EMMYS AND A PEABODY AWARD.

( moaning )

ALL RIGHT! THEY'RE GOING TO SHOW

HIS DISASTROUS MARRIAGE TO MIA FARROW.

CHAN HO, YOUR MOTHER MIA AND I ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

CHAN HO IS OVER THERE.

I AM CHIN HO.

WHOEVER YOU ARE, JUST PASS IT ALONG, KID.

WHAT A BAD FATHER.

( saxophone playing )

LISA, KNOCK OFF THAT RACKET!

DAD, I'M SUPPOSED TO PRACTICE AN HOUR A DAY.

I'LL PRACTICE YOU!

YOU'LL PRACTICE ME. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IS IT SOME SORT OF THREAT?

BART, MAKE HER STOP.

I HAVE TO PRACTICE MY SAXOPHONE

AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

OH, YEAH?

MY DEAR LISA, YOU ARE EIGHT AND I AM TEN.

IN MY TWO EXTRA YEARS ON THIS PLANET

I'VE LEARNED A FEW TRICKS.

GIVE ME THAT SAX!

NO! I SAID GIMME!

I SAID NO! GIMME IT.

NO! NO! NO! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!

( screaming )

( gasping )

( truck horn blows)

HA-HA!

( crying )

AW, LISA, IT DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD.

OH, YEAH?

LISA, HONEY, IF IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER

I'LL DESTROY SOMETHING BART LOVES.

HEY!

DON'T WORRY, SON.

IF THAT BOTHERS YOU

I'LL DESTROY SOMETHING MAGGIE LOVES.

DAD, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS SAXOPHONE IS LIKE MY OLDEST FRIEND.

I'VE HAD IT FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER HOW YOU GOT IT?

NUH-UH.

WELL, IT ALL HAPPENED IN 1990.

BACK THEN, THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE

WAS CURRENTLY KNOWN AS PRINCE.

TRACEY ULLMAN WAS ENTERTAINING AMERICA

WITH SONGS, SKETCHES, AND CRUDELY-DRAWN FILLER MATERIAL

AND BART

WAS EAGERLY AWAITING HIS FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

♪ DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY. ♪

LOOK, MAMA.

OH, HONEY, I CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

BART'S GOING TO BE LATE.

NOW, SON, ON YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

I'D LIKE TO PASS ALONG

THE WORDS OF ADVICE MY FATHER GAVE ME.

HOMER, YOU'RE DUMB AS A MULE

AND TWICE AS UGLY.

IF A STRANGE MAN OFFERS YOU A RIDE

I SAY TAKE IT.

LOUSY, TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD!

( horn honking )

OOH, THERE'S THE BUS.

GOOD-BYE, SWEETHEART.

SCHOOL WILL BE FUN.

WELCOME, KINDERGARTNERS.

I'M PRINCIPAL SINNER.

S-SKINNER.

( laughing )

WELL, THAT'S IT. I'VE LOST THEM FOREVER.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO LUNCH LADY DORIS

WHO WILL SERVE YOU HEALTHY, NUTRITIOUS MEALS.

YEAH. RIGHT.

MISS PHIPPS, THE SCHOOL NURSE

WHO WILL PROVIDE OINTMENTS AND UNGUENTS

AND JIMBO, THE SCHOOL BULLY

WHO WILL ADMINISTER NOOGIES AND NIPPLE TWISTERS.

I LOOK FORWARD TO WHALING ON ALL OF YOU.

♪ THERE WAS A FARMER HAD A DOG ♪

♪ AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪

♪ B-I... O, B-I... O, B-I..., AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O. ♪

ADDED EXTRA CLAP. NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL.

HEY! WEE BAIRN!

HIE YE HENCE FROM ME HEATH!

CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?

HI, HONEY.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL?

HONEY?

♪ BART WAS FEELING MIGHTY BLUE ♪

♪ IT'S A SHAME WHAT SCHOOL CAN DO ♪

♪ FOR NO REASON, HERE'S APU ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS! ♪

AND THAT, MY CHILDREN,

IS THE STORY OF BART'S FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

VERY NICE.

YEAH.

EXCEPT YOU WERE SUPPOSED

TO BE TELLING THE STORY OF HOW I GOT MY SAXOPHONE.

D-OHH!

HOMER, I CAN'T GET THE BABY TO BURP.

COULD YOU TRY FOR A WHILE?

NO PROBLEM.

I'LL JUST GIVE HER A SIP OF BEER.

COME ON, MAGGIE.

IT'S MILLER TIME. YES, IT'S MILLER TIME.

HOMER!

OH, MY FATHER GAVE ME BEER AS A CHILD.

TILL I WRAPPED MY LITTLE RED WAGON AROUND A TREE.

LET'S NEVER DRINK AGAIN.

AND WE NEVER DID.

MOM, CAN YOU TELL ME THE STORY OF HOW I GOT MY SAXOPHONE

AND NOT HAVE IT TURN INTO A STORY ABOUT BART?

OH, SURE, HONEY.

BART HAD JUST COMPLETED HIS FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL

AND BART... MOM!

HEY, SHE'S JUST GIVING THE PUBLIC WHAT IT WANTS--

BART BY THE BARRELFUL.

I'M SORRY, LISA.

IT'S JUST HOW THE STORY GOES.

NO MATTER WHAT BART TRIED

HE JUST COULDN'T FIT IN AT SCHOOL.

♪ A, B, C... ♪

UH... LINE.

"D"

♪ D, E... ♪

UM... LINE.

"F," BART.

AND BELIEVE ME, YOU'LL BE SEEING PLENTY OF THEM.

BART, WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ A BOOK?

NO.

WANT TO COLOR SOMETHING?

I DID.

MMM.