D-OHH!

( screams )

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY GOT THEIR TICKET?

THEN GET READY FOR TODAY'S SUPER-BARTO JACKPOT DRAWING.

COME ON, CANTALOUPE.

AND 'ROUND AND 'ROUND SHE...

UH-OH.

( buzzing )

( screaming )

( screaming )

NO REFUNDS. FORCE MAJEURE.

READ THE BACK OF YOUR TICKET.

( groaning ) OH... $900?

WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO DIP INTO THE RETIREMENT FUND AGAIN.

( grunting )

AW, NUTS.

HELLO?

CHINA?

A LITTLE HELP?

WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO THIS

BUT I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO SELL

GRANDMA'S CIVIL WAR DOLL.

MOM, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SELL

A FAMILY HEIRLOOM TO PAY THE GAS BILL?

I MEAN, WHAT WOULD YOUR GRANDMA SAY?

I'M SURE SHE'D BE PROUD

THAT HER DESCENDANTS HAD PIPING HOT TAP WATER

AND PLENTY OF WARM, DRY UNDERWEAR.

THAT IS SO TRUE.

HMM, THESE CAMPAIGN BUTTONS ARE ALL PARTISAN.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY NEUTRAL ONES?

"MAY THE BETTER MAN WIN"?

"LET'S HAVE A GOOD, CLEAN ELECTION"?

THAT SORT OF THING?

NO, BUT WE DO HAVE SOME OLD SHIRT BUTTONS.

THEY'RE KIND OF KOOKY AND FUN.

MISSY, YOU JUST TALKED YOURSELF

RIGHT OUT OF A SALE.

HEY, LIS, CHECK IT OUT, POGO STILTS.

THESE WERE BANNED IN ALL 50 STATES.

Homer: OW!! OHH! WHAT HAPPENED?

WOW, AN ACTUAL ROBOT FROM THE MOVIE

"CLANK, CLANK, YOU'RE DEAD."

THINK OF HOW AWFUL IT WOULD BE

FOR THE POOR MIDGET INSIDE.

OH, BOOHOO.

THAT'S WHAT THEY GET PAID FOR.

( gasps )

OH, HOMER, LOOK!

A TV GUIDE OWNED BY JACKIE O!

OH, YOU SHOULD SEE THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

SHE THOUGHT THAT MINDY LIVED WITH "MARK."

GIVE HER A BREAK. HER HUSBAND WAS KILLED.

I KNOW. WASN'T THAT AWFUL?

HI, I'M JOHN. CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?

YES, I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I'D LIKE TO SELL.

PLEASE TELL ME IT'S YOUR HAIR.

( giggling )

NO. IT'S AN HEIRLOOM

MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED DOWN TO ME

A VERY RARE OLD FIGURINE FROM THE CIVIL WAR.

PLEASE DON'T CONSTRUE OUR OWNERSHIP

AS AN ENDORSEMENT OF SLAVERY.

HMM.

WELL, SEE, HERE'S THE THING ON THIS.

IT'S A JOHNNY REB BOTTLE, EARLY 1970s.

ONE OF THE J&R WHISKEY "LIQUOR LADS."

TWO BOOKS OF GREEN STAMPS, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.

OH, NO.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S A VERY, VERY OLD FIGURINE.

NO, IT'S A LIQUOR BOTTLE.

SEE?

AH, THAT WILL MAKE YOUR BULL RUN.

( murmuring sadly )

WELL, I GUESS IT'LL ALWAYS BE A MONUMENT

TO GRANDMA'S SECRET DRINKING PROBLEM.

OKAY, SO MAYBE THAT THING'S A HUNK OF JUNK

BUT LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE SELLING--

50 BUCKS FOR A TOY? NO KID IS WORTH THAT.

OH, BUT THIS IS THE REX MARS ATOMIC DISCOMBOBULATOR.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE GRAPHICS ON THIS BOX?

NO.

HOW YOU CAN YOU LOVE A BOX OR A TOY OR GRAPHICS?

YOU'RE A GROWN MAN.

IT'S CAMP.

THE TRAGICALLY LUDICROUS? THE LUDICROUSLY TRAGIC?

OH, YEAH. LIKE WHEN A CLOWN DIES.

WELL, SORT OF...

BUT I MEAN MORE LIKE INFLATABLE FURNITURE

OR "LAST SUPPER" TV TRAYS

OR EVEN THIS BOWLING SHIRT.

CAN YOU BELIEVE SOMEBODY GAVE THIS TO GOODWILL?

( murmuring sheepishly )

AND THAT KIND OF STUFF IS WORTH MONEY?

BOY, HOWDY.

MAN, YOU SHOULD COME OVER TO OUR PLACE.

IT'S FULL OF VALUABLE, WORTHLESS CRAP.

WELL, IF YOU'RE INVITING ME OVER...

I PRACTICALLY INSIST. SHALL WE SAY 5:00?

THE SNACKING HOUR?

MY HEART IS PALPITATING. WOO-HOO!

PIMENTO NOSE AND VOILA.

MOMMY'S PATENTED HAPPY-CRACKER SNACK PLATTER.

( doorbell rings )

( doorbell rings )

DINGDONG. CLASSIC.

I MEAN, THAT SAYS IT ALL, DOESN'T IT?

OH, MAN, YOU WEREN'T KIDDING ABOUT THIS PLACE.

WELL, I JUST LOVE IT.

DO I KNOW YOU?

OH, THE COLOR SCHEME AND THE RABBIT EARS.

AND THE 2.3 CHILDREN.

I MEAN, WHERE'S THE HI-C?

HI-C AND FLUFFERNUTTERS.

OH!

AND PEARLS ON A LITTLE GIRL.

IT'S A FAIRY TALE.

OH, I'VE GOT THE EXACT SAME CURTAINS,

ONLY IN MY BATHROOM.

DIDN'T YOU JUST DIE WHEN YOU FOUND THESE?

NOT REALLY.

THEY JUST HAD CORN ON THEM. KITCHEN... CORN...

OH!

OWW! WHY YOU LITTLE...!

AAAH! DAD! DAD! COMPANY! COMPANY!

I'LL JUST BE ANOTHER MINUTE, JOHN.

HAVE A SEAT.

SO DO THOSE RECORDS HAVE CAMP VALUE?

EVERYTHING HERE DOES.

YOU YOURSELF ARE WORTH A BUNDLE, HOMER.

WHY, I COULD WRAP A BOW AROUND YOU

AND SLAP ON A PRICE TAG.

♪ I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE I LOVE TO BOOGIE ♪

COME ON, HOMER, JOIN THE PARTY.

♪ ON THE DISCO... ♪

MOM, JOHN LOVES ITCHY AND SCRATCHY

AS MUCH AS WE DO-- MAYBE MORE.

YEAH, AND HE COLLECTS TOY ROBOTS.

HE IS QUITE A CHARMER.

YOUR FATHER'S CERTAINLY TAKEN A SHINE TO HIM.

OH, HOMER, YOU ARE THE LIVING END.

( both laughing )

OH!

THAT JOHN IS THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

WE'VE GOT TO HAVE HIM AND HIS WIFE OVER

FOR DRINKS SOMETIME.

MMM, I DON'T THINK HE'S MARRIED, HOMER.

OH, A SWINGING BACHELOR, EH?

WELL, THERE'S LOTS OF FOXY LADIES OUT THERE.

HOMER, DIDN'T JOHN SEEM A LITTLE...

FESTIVE TO YOU?

COULDN'T AGREE MORE. HAPPY AS A CLAM.

HE PREFERS THE COMPANY OF MEN.

WHO DOESN'T?

HOMER, LISTEN CAREFULLY--

JOHN IS A HO-MO...

RIGHT.

...SEXUAL.

( screams )

OH, MY GOD! I DANCED WITH A GAY.

MARGE, LISA, PROMISE ME YOU WON'T TELL ANYONE.

PROMISE ME!

YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

AM I, MARGE? AM I?

THINK OF THE PROPERTY VALUES.

NOW WE CAN NEVER SAY

ONLY STRAIGHT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN THIS HOUSE.

I'M VERY SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY

BECAUSE JOHN INVITED US ALL OUT FOR A DRIVE TODAY

AND WE'RE GOING.

WHOA-HO-HO. NOT ME

AND NOT BECAUSE JOHN'S GAY, BUT BECAUSE HE'S A SNEAK.

HE SHOULD HAVE THE GOOD TASTE TO MINCE AROUND

AND LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT HE'S... THAT WAY.

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW ME, MARGE.

I LIKE MY BEER COLD, MY TV LOUD

AND MY HOMOSEXUALS FA-LAMING.

( horn honking "Over the Rainbow" )

ZZZAPP!

( gasps )

HOMER, AT LEAST COME OUT AND SAY HELLO.

NO. NUH-UH. NO. OH, COME ON.

OH, NO. YOU LIKED JOHN THIS MORNING.

NO! I AM NOT SETTING FOOT OUTSIDE THIS HOUSE

UNTIL THAT MAN IS GONE.

OH! DAD, YOU ARE THE LIVING END.

HEY, WHERE'D THAT COOL, CREEPY SANTA COME FROM?

JAPAN. EXCEPT OVER THERE, THEY CALL HIM

"ANNUAL GIFT-MAN" AND HE LIVES ON THE MOON.

John: AND THAT'S WHERE KENT BROCKMAN

WAS CAUGHT CHEATING IN THE SPRINGFIELD MARATHON.

WHOA. OOH. OH.

AND THERE'S WHERE LUPE VELEZ

BOUGHT THE TOILET SHE DROWNED IN.

all: OH! OH!

Bart: THAT WAS A KILLER TOUR.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW MANY CELEBRITIES

HUMILIATED THEMSELVES RIGHT IN OUR OWN BACKYARD.

THIS IS A SORDID LITTLE BURG, ISN'T IT?

MAKES ME SICK IN A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WAY.

JOHN. OH... WAYLON.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE SIMPSONS.

I KNOW THE SIMPSONS.

SO THIS IS YOUR SICK MOTHER?

DON'T DO THIS TO ME, WAYLON.

( laughing )

HOW'D IT GO?

TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED.

HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU GAY, DID HE?

OH, JEEZ, LOUISE!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ANYMORE.

JOHN'S A WITTY, URBANE PERSON.

OH, AND I'M NOT.

DAD, LOOK WHAT I GOT.

ZZZAPP. ZZZAPP. ZZZAPP... ZZZAPP...

BART! WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SHIRT?

I DON'T KNOW. CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

UH... HUH.

I HOPE YOU ALL SAVED ROOM

BECAUSE I MADE YOUR FAVORITE DESSERT.

STORE-BOUGHT SNACK CAKES-- BOTH KINDS.

( gasps )

( gasps )

( Homer mumbling )

HOMIE, I CAN HEAR YOU CHEWING ON YOUR PILLOW.

WHAT'S WRONG?

MARGE, THE BOY WAS WEARING A HAWAIIAN SHIRT.

SO?

THERE'S ONLY TWO KINDS OF GUYS WHO WEAR THOSE SHIRTS--

GAY GUYS AND BIG, FAT PARTY ANIMALS

AND BART DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A BIG, FAT PARTY ANIMAL TO ME.

SO IF YOU WORE A HAWAIIAN SHIRT IT WOULDN'T BE GAY?

RIGHT. THANK YOU.

I HOPE YOU REALIZE THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

I MEAN, DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO EFFEMINATE AROUND THE BOY?

HOMER, I DON'T THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH BART

BUT IF THERE IS, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE

YOU'RE NOT SPENDING ANY TIME WITH HIM.

GOOD NIGHT.

( "It's in His Kiss" playing )

ALL RIGHT, BOY, COME ON. TODAY WE'RE GOING TO...

♪ ...or is it in his face? ♪

♪ Oh, no, it's just his charm ♪

GONNA WHAT, HOMER?

♪ Oh, no that's... ♪

...AND HELEN LOVE JOY-- SURE, SHE LOOKS BLONDE

BUT I'VE HEARD CUFFS AND COLLAR DON'T MATCH

IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

I DON'T, BUT I LOVED HEARING IT.

YOU!

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

WELL, GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE.

HOMER, JOHN BROUGHT US CACTUS CANDY.

JOHN, YOU SEEM LIKE A PERFECTLY NICE GUY AND ALL.

JUST STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY FAMILY.