The Twisted World of Marge Simpson

Season 8 / Episode 11

0:11 - 0:13

( bell ringing )

0:17 - 0:18

D-OHH!

0:18 - 0:20

( screams )

0:23 - 0:24

UGH!

0:35 - 0:38

( chattering)

0:38 - 0:41

THEY SAY THE PANCAKES HERE STINK.

0:41 - 0:42

THANK YOU, AGNES.

0:42 - 0:43

LET'S BEGIN.

0:43 - 0:44

I'M HAPPY TO REPORT

0:44 - 0:46

THAT OUR SHARES IN DYNAFLUX UNIMATICS

0:46 - 0:49

ARE UP A DELICIOUS SEVEN AND THREE-QUARTERS.

0:49 - 0:51

THIS MEANS OUR INVESTMENT CLUB PORTFOLIO

0:51 - 0:54

HAS NEARLY DOUBLED IN VALUE.

0:54 - 0:57

( murmuring )

0:57 - 0:58

I SUGGEST WE PUMP OUR PROFITS

0:58 - 1:01

INTO SOME NEW HIGH-RISK VENTURES.

1:01 - 1:02

OH! OH! HOW ABOUT OKLASOFT?

1:02 - 1:05

IT'S OKLAHOMA'S FASTEST-GROWING SOFTWARE COMPANY.

1:05 - 1:06

UM, CUSHIONS?

1:06 - 1:08

EVERYBODY LIKES TO SIT ON CUSHIONS.

1:08 - 1:10

CHILDREN ARE SO FAT TODAY.

1:10 - 1:12

ISN'T THERE SOME WAY WE COULD MAKE MONEY OFF THAT?

1:12 - 1:14

THERE'S A FRANCHISE FAIR THIS WEEKEND.

1:14 - 1:16

WHY DON'T WE BUY A BUSINESS?

1:16 - 1:18

( murmuring )

1:18 - 1:19

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

1:19 - 1:22

I'M NOT WILD ABOUT THESE HIGH-RISK VENTURES.

1:22 - 1:23

THEY SOUND A LITTLE RISKY.

1:25 - 1:26

OH, MARGE.

1:26 - 1:27

YOU ARE SUCH A WET BLANKET.

1:27 - 1:29

IF WE'D LISTENED TO YOU

1:29 - 1:31

WE WOULDN'T HAVE SPONSORED THAT MEXICAN WRESTLER.

1:31 - 1:34

YET SHE STILL GETS TO SHARE IN ALL THE PROFITS.

1:34 - 1:35

MM-HMM. IS THAT FAIR?

1:35 - 1:37

I GUESS I'M JUST NOT COMFORTABLE

1:37 - 1:40

WITH THE WHOLE IDEA OF "INVESTING."

1:40 - 1:41

FACE IT.

1:41 - 1:44

YOU CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THE GO-GO '90s.

1:44 - 1:45

WELL, MARGE.

1:45 - 1:47

YOU'RE ABOUT AS POPULAR AS RUG BURN.

1:47 - 1:50

ALL IN FAVOR OF EXPELLING MARGE

1:50 - 1:51

FROM THE INVESTORETTES...

1:51 - 1:53

AYE!

1:53 - 1:55

ALL RIGHT, HELEN.

1:55 - 1:57

IF I'M NOT WANTED, I'LL LEAVE.

1:57 - 1:59

YOU'LL GET YOUR PANCAKES IN THE MAIL.

1:59 - 2:01

Marge: THEN THEY GAVE ME BACK

2:01 - 2:03

MY $500 INVESTMENT

2:03 - 2:05

AND KICKED ME OUT OF THE CLUB.

2:05 - 2:06

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

2:06 - 2:08

BACK UP A BIT NOW.

2:08 - 2:10

WHEN ARE THE PANCAKES COMING IN THE MAIL?

2:10 - 2:13

WELL, MAYBE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.

2:13 - 2:15

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO MAKE MONEY FOR ANYWAY?

2:15 - 2:16

AS LONG AS I HAVE MY EARNING POWER

2:16 - 2:18

THIS FAMILY'S GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

2:18 - 2:20

OWW!

2:20 - 2:23

OH, CALL WORK AND TELL THEM I WON'T BE IN TOMORROW.

2:23 - 2:25

MOM, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE CONSERVATIVE.

2:25 - 2:27

LET'S ROLL THE DICE HERE.

2:27 - 2:28

IT WOULD BE NICE TO BEAT THOSE WOMEN

2:28 - 2:30

AT THEIR OWN GAME.

2:30 - 2:33

MAYBE I SHOULD LOOK INTO A FRANCHISE.

2:38 - 2:39

GREETINGS, HUMANS.

2:39 - 2:43

I AM INVESTO THE ROBOT OF THE PLANET OPPORTUNIAC.

2:43 - 2:47

MY SUPERIOR BRAIN ADVISES YOU TO ENTER THE FRANCHISE FAIR.

2:47 - 2:49

WE'RE TRYING TO, BUT YOU'RE BLOCKING OUR WAY.

2:49 - 2:51

DANGER! DANGER!

2:51 - 2:54

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP PAMPHLETS.

2:54 - 2:55

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

2:57 - 2:60

( sizzling )

2:60 - 3:02

( clunking, beeping )

3:02 - 3:04

( whistling )

3:04 - 3:05

HELP, HELP, HELP.

3:05 - 3:07

SECURITY CODE 30.

3:07 - 3:09

Man: WELL, THAT'S THE MIRACLE OF THE FRANCHISE.

3:09 - 3:12

YOU GET ALL THE EQUIPMENT AND KNOW-HOW YOU NEED

3:12 - 3:14

PLUS A FAMILIAR BRAND NAME PEOPLE TRUST.

3:14 - 3:16

YOU'LL BE ON A ROCKET RIDE TO THE MOON.

3:16 - 3:18

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE

3:18 - 3:20

WOULD YOU PICK UP SOME OF THAT NICE GREEN MOON MONEY

3:20 - 3:22

FOR ME-- ROYCE McCUTCHEON.

3:22 - 3:23

NO DEAL, McCUTCHEON.

3:23 - 3:25

THAT MOON MONEY IS MINE.

3:25 - 3:27

NOW, FOLKS, I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU

3:27 - 3:30

BUT SCIENTISTS SAY 40% OF AMERICA'S PICTURES

3:30 - 3:32

ARE HANGING CROOKED.

3:32 - 3:34

ALL: NO! NO!

3:34 - 3:36

YEAH, IT'S TRUE, AND I HEAR YOU ASKING,

3:36 - 3:39

"WELL, WHO'S GOING TO STRAIGHTEN OUT ALL THESE ARTISTIC ABOMINATIONS?"

3:39 - 3:40

YOUR FRIENDS? A NEIGHBOR?

3:40 - 3:42

THOSE FAT CATS IN WASHINGTON?

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( chuckling )

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GOOD LUCK. HEY, MAYBE NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

3:46 - 3:49

MAYBE THE PROBLEM WILL JUST FIX ITSELF.

3:49 - 3:52

NOW, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEING NAIVE.

3:52 - 3:53

OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.

3:53 - 3:54

BUT YOU SOUND LIKE

3:54 - 3:56

YOU'RE READY TO BECOME YOUR OWN BOSS

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IN THE EXCITING WORLD OF FRAME-NUDGING.

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YES, FOR A MINIMAL FRANCHISE FEE

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YOU'LL RECEIVE A PAIR OF STRAIGHTENING GLOVES

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A CANISTER OF WALL LUBRICANT

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AND A BOOKLET OF THE MOST COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS

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YOU WILL HEAR

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INCLUDING "WHO ARE YOU?" AND "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

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HMM, I DON'T WANT TO OWN MY OWN BUSINESS.

4:15 - 4:19

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CAME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

4:19 - 4:20

HELLO, HELEN.

4:20 - 4:21

MARGE.

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EDNA.

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MARGE.

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UH...

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OH, MY NAME IS AGNES AND YOU KNOW IT'S AGNES.

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IT MEANS LAMB-- LAMB OF GOD.

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I'M SORRY, AGNES.

4:32 - 4:34

MARGE.

4:40 - 4:41

DID YOU KNOW

4:41 - 4:45

THAT DISCO RECORD SALES WERE UP 400%

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FOR THE YEAR ENDING 1976?

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IF THESE TRENDS CONTINUE...

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AAY!

4:55 - 4:56

UH, YOUR FISH ARE DEAD.

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YEAH, I KNOW.

4:57 - 4:60

I CAN'T GET THEM OUT OF THERE.

5:04 - 5:07

HMM, PITA.

5:07 - 5:08

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT FOOD

5:08 - 5:09

FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.

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ISN'T THAT WHOLE AREA A LITTLE IFFY?

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( laughs )

5:13 - 5:15

HEY, I'M NO GEOGRAPHER.

5:15 - 5:18

YOU AND I, WHY DON'T WE CALL IT POCKET BREAD, HUH?

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WHAT'S TAHINI?

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FLAVOR SAUCE.

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AND FALAFEL?

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CRUNCH PATTIES.

5:24 - 5:25

SO, WE'D BE SELLING FOREIGN...

5:25 - 5:27

SPECIALTY FOODS.

5:27 - 5:29

HERE, TRY A BEN FRANKLIN.

5:32 - 5:34

MMM, THAT IS GOOD.

5:34 - 5:35

WHAT'S IN IT?

5:35 - 5:36

TABBOULEH AND REZMI-KABOB.

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UH, THAT'S OUR CHEF, CHRISTOPHER.

5:39 - 5:41

( ranting in Hindi )

5:45 - 5:46

I COULD SEE EATING THIS.

5:46 - 5:49

I REALLY COULD, AND I AM NOT KIDDING.

5:49 - 5:52

( murmuring excitedly )

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LOOK AT THEM!

5:53 - 5:55

THEY'VE JUMPED ON THE ONE FRANCHISE

5:55 - 5:57

I MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE CONSIDERED

5:57 - 5:60

THINKING ABOUT BECOMING INTERESTED IN.

5:60 - 6:01

HMM.

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I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR THE WORLD OF BUSINESS.

6:03 - 6:05

OOH, YOU SOUND LIKE ME.

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WELL, THE OLD ME

6:06 - 6:09

WHICH WAS, IRONICALLY, THE YOUNG ME.

6:10 - 6:12

I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU WERE, YOUNG LADY--

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LIKE ALL THESE PEOPLE--

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LOST IN A SEA OF FLASHY GIMMICKS

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AND EMPTY PROMISES.

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THEN GOD TOSSED ME A LIFE PRESERVER--

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A TASTY GOLDEN BROWN LIFE PRESERVER.

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HERE. TRY A PRETZEL.

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MMM!

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THAT'S NOT BAD.

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IT'S NOT ONLY NOT BAD; IT'S NOT BREAD.

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"KNOT BREAD"-- YOU GET IT?

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HUH? HA-HA? YOU SEE?

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I DO!

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( both laughing )

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"KNOT BREAD."

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( bugle plays fanfare )

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LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE NEWEST MEMBERS

6:45 - 6:48

OF THE FLEET-A-PITA FRANCHISE!

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♪ I'M FEELING GOOD FROM MY HEAD TO MY SHOES... ♪

6:50 - 6:52

MAUDE... HELEN...

6:52 - 6:54

AGNES... LuANNE...

6:54 - 6:55

EDNA... BART...

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WHOO! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

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WE'RE NUMBER ONE.

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HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

6:60 - 7:01

WAIT, WAIT. HEY.

7:02 - 7:04

YOUR FRANCHISE... HOW MUCH?

7:04 - 7:05

$500.

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I'LL TAKE IT!

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CONGRATULATIONS,

7:09 - 7:11

AND WELCOME TO THE DYNAMIC WORLD

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OF MOBILE PRETZEL RETAILING.

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WHEN CAN I START? WHAT'S MY TERRITORY?

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EH, TERRITORY...

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WELL, LET ME TELL YOU:

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WHEREVER A YOUNG MOTHER IS IGNORANT

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OF WHAT TO FEED HER BABY, YOU'LL BE THERE.

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WHEREVER NACHO PENETRATION IS LESS THAN TOTAL

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YOU'LL BE THERE.

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WHEREVER A BAVARIAN IS NOT QUITE FULL, YOU WILL BE THERE.

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DON'T FORGET FAT PEOPLE.

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THEY CAN'T STOP EATING.

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HEY! PRETZELS!

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OH. HELLO.

7:50 - 7:53

I'M FRANK ORMAND, AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING ME

7:53 - 7:55

THAT MEANS YOU'VE GOT PRETZEL FEVER

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AND NOT THE KIND THAT ATTACKED MY INTESTINAL LINING

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SOME YEARS BACK.

7:59 - 8:01

( laughing )

8:01 - 8:04

SO LET'S GET YOUR FRANCHISE UP AND RUNNING.

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START BY SETTING UP AN OFFICE IN YOUR BASEMENT OR GARAGE.

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AN AUTOMATIC GARAGE DOOR OPENER MAKES YOU FEEL

8:14 - 8:18

LIKE YOU'RE WORKING IN A FUTURISTIC WONDERWORLD.

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NEXT: BLANKET YOUR COMMUNITY WITH FLYERS.

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A PHONY TICKER-TAPE PARADE

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WILL HELP YOU AVOID LITTERING LAWS.

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( cheering )

8:29 - 8:31

WELCOME BACK, SPACE GIRL.

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( sobbing )

8:33 - 8:36

Now you're ready to make pretzels.

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OPEN YOUR BAG OF INGREDIENTS...

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UGH.

8:42 - 8:45

CHECK FOR... MILLIPEDES.

8:45 - 8:46

EWW.

9:02 - 9:04

( honking )

9:04 - 9:07

HEY, WHAT'S ALL THAT COMMOTION OUTSIDE?

9:07 - 9:09

WHY, IT'S ONE OF THOSE PRETZEL WAGONS

9:09 - 9:11

THE MOVIE STARS ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT.

9:11 - 9:14

( gasping ) HERE? AT OUR PLANT?

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THAT'S RIGHT, LENNY.

9:15 - 9:18

LET'S ALL GIVE IN TO DELICIOUSNESS

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THE PRETZEL WAGON WAY.

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ALL: HEY.

9:21 - 9:22

YEAH. I'M IN.

9:22 - 9:23

LET'S GO. YEAH.

9:23 - 9:24

HOMER'S RIGHT.

9:27 - 9:29

WOW, MOM, LOOK AT ALL THOSE CUSTOMERS.

9:29 - 9:32

HAIRNETS, EVERYONE.

9:35 - 9:37

WELCOME TO PRETZEL WAGON.

9:37 - 9:38

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

9:38 - 9:40

UH, LET'S SEE.

9:40 - 9:45

I'LL HAVE... ONE--

9:45 - 9:46

HEY, HURRY UP.

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I WANT TO GET MY PRETZEL.

9:47 - 9:48

ONE PRETZEL.

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THANK YOU.

9:50 - 9:52

UH, LET'S SEE, UM...

9:52 - 9:55

I WILL HAVE ONE OF YOUR, UH...

9:55 - 9:57

COME ON, COME ON, WHILE WE'RE YOUNG.

9:57 - 9:58

( honking )

9:58 - 10:02

♪ Don't stop thinking about tomorrow... ♪

10:02 - 10:04

WOW, CHECK OUT THAT VAN.

10:04 - 10:07

IT LOOKS LIKE IT DOESN'T EVEN NEED OUR BUSINESS.

10:07 - 10:08

HEY, LET'S GO.

10:08 - 10:10

♪ It'll be better than before ♪

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♪ Yesterday's gone. ♪

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EXCUSE ME.

10:17 - 10:18

I HAD THIS SPOT FIRST.

10:18 - 10:21

SORRY, DEAR. JUST BUSINESS. HA!

10:21 - 10:23

WELL, I GUESS MACY'S AND GIMBELS LEARNED

10:23 - 10:24

TO LIVE SIDE BY SIDE.

10:24 - 10:27

GIMBELS IS GONE, MARGE, LONG GONE.

10:27 - 10:28

YOU'RE GIMBELS.

10:28 - 10:29

VERY WELL.

10:29 - 10:32

THERE MUST BE DOZENS OF GREAT LOCATIONS IN THIS TOWN.

10:32 - 10:35

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME.

10:37 - 10:39

HEY, SLOW DOWN.

10:39 - 10:41

I WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

10:41 - 10:43

GIVE US 300 PRETZELS.

10:43 - 10:47

YOU SEE? A LITTLE PERSISTENCE AND PATIENCE PAID OFF.

10:47 - 10:49

THAT'LL BE $300.

10:49 - 10:50

HEY, I DON'T THINK SO.

10:50 - 10:52

I GOT ME 300 COUPONS.

10:52 - 10:57

I SHOULD HAVE SAID, "LIMIT: ONE PER CUSTOMER."

10:57 - 10:59

SHOULD'VE, BUT DIDN'T, SO HAND THEM OVER.

10:59 - 11:03

HEY, KIDS, WE'RE EATING DINNER TONIGHT.

11:03 - 11:04

COME ON, TIFFANY

11:04 - 11:07

HEATHER, CODY, DYLAN,

11:07 - 11:09

DERMOT, JORDAN, TAYLOR

11:09 - 11:12

BRITTANY, WESLEY, RUMER,

11:12 - 11:15

SCOUT, CASSIDY, ZOE,

11:15 - 11:18

CHLOE, MAX, HUNTER, KENDALL

11:18 - 11:21

CAITLIN, NOAH, SASCHA, MORGAN,

11:21 - 11:23

KYRA, IAN, LAUREN

11:23 - 11:25

Q-BERT, PHIL.

11:31 - 11:33

"HANG IN THERE, BABY."

11:33 - 11:35

YOU SAID IT, KITTY.

11:35 - 11:39

"COPYRIGHT 1968."

11:39 - 11:43

HMM, DETERMINED OR NOT, THAT CAT MUST BE LONG DEAD.

11:43 - 11:45

THAT'S KIND OF A DOWNER.

11:45 - 11:47

THEY'RE GOOD PRETZELS, MOM

11:47 - 11:49

BUT YOU GOT TO THINK BIG.

11:49 - 11:53

FIND A MAJOR PUBLIC EVENT AND SET UP SHOP THERE.

11:56 - 11:57

HERE YOU GO.

11:57 - 11:60

FREE PRETZEL WAGON PRETZELS FOR EVERYONE.

11:60 - 12:02

ONE BITE AND YOU'LL BE HOOKED.

12:02 - 12:04

THANK YOU. GRACIAS.

12:04 - 12:06

THAT MEANS "THANK YOU," MARGE.

12:06 - 12:10

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, a winner has been chosen

12:10 - 12:12

for today's giveaway.

12:12 - 12:16

AND THE 1997 PONTIAC ASTROWAGON

12:16 - 12:18

GOES TO THE FAN

12:18 - 12:22

sitting in seat number 0001:

12:22 - 12:25

C. Montgomery Burns.

12:25 - 12:28

( scattered booing ) YAY!

12:28 - 12:32

Man 2: And the fans do not like this one bit.

12:34 - 12:36

Man: And here

12:36 - 12:40

come the pretzels.

12:40 - 12:42

NO. NO, DON'T DO THAT.

12:42 - 12:44

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TASTING THEM.

12:44 - 12:47

Man 2: Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field

12:47 - 12:50

PLEADING WITH THE CROWD FOR SOME KIND OF SANITY.

12:50 - 12:52

Man: Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels

12:52 - 12:55

NOW KNOCKING WHITEY UNCONSCIOUS.

12:55 - 12:57

WOW, THIS IS, UH...

12:57 - 12:59

THIS IS A BLACK DAY FOR BASEBALL.

13:00 - 13:01

OH, CHEER UP, MOM.

13:01 - 13:04

YOU CAN'T BUY PUBLICITY LIKE THAT.

13:04 - 13:06

THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SAW YOUR PRETZELS

13:06 - 13:08

INJURING WHITEY FORD.

13:08 - 13:10

YOU COULD CALL THEM WHITEY-WHACKERS.

13:10 - 13:13

I WAS WRONG TO HAVE A DREAM--

13:13 - 13:14

WRONG AS USUAL.

13:14 - 13:18

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOTHING SPECIAL, WHY KID YOURSELF?

13:18 - 13:20

OH, MOM, NO.

13:20 - 13:21

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS.

13:21 - 13:23

AIM LOW.

13:23 - 13:26

AIM SO LOW NO ONE WILL EVEN CARE IF YOU SUCCEED.

13:26 - 13:28

DINNER'S IN THE OVEN.