( bell ringing )

D-OHH!

( screams )

UGH!

( chattering)

THEY SAY THE PANCAKES HERE STINK.

THANK YOU, AGNES.

LET'S BEGIN.

I'M HAPPY TO REPORT

THAT OUR SHARES IN DYNAFLUX UNIMATICS

ARE UP A DELICIOUS SEVEN AND THREE-QUARTERS.

THIS MEANS OUR INVESTMENT CLUB PORTFOLIO

HAS NEARLY DOUBLED IN VALUE.

( murmuring )

I SUGGEST WE PUMP OUR PROFITS

INTO SOME NEW HIGH-RISK VENTURES.

OH! OH! HOW ABOUT OKLASOFT?

IT'S OKLAHOMA'S FASTEST-GROWING SOFTWARE COMPANY.

UM, CUSHIONS?

EVERYBODY LIKES TO SIT ON CUSHIONS.

CHILDREN ARE SO FAT TODAY.

ISN'T THERE SOME WAY WE COULD MAKE MONEY OFF THAT?

THERE'S A FRANCHISE FAIR THIS WEEKEND.

WHY DON'T WE BUY A BUSINESS?

( murmuring )

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

I'M NOT WILD ABOUT THESE HIGH-RISK VENTURES.

THEY SOUND A LITTLE RISKY.

OH, MARGE.

YOU ARE SUCH A WET BLANKET.

IF WE'D LISTENED TO YOU

WE WOULDN'T HAVE SPONSORED THAT MEXICAN WRESTLER.

YET SHE STILL GETS TO SHARE IN ALL THE PROFITS.

MM-HMM. IS THAT FAIR?

I GUESS I'M JUST NOT COMFORTABLE

WITH THE WHOLE IDEA OF "INVESTING."

FACE IT.

YOU CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THE GO-GO '90s.

WELL, MARGE.

YOU'RE ABOUT AS POPULAR AS RUG BURN.

ALL IN FAVOR OF EXPELLING MARGE

FROM THE INVESTORETTES...

AYE!

ALL RIGHT, HELEN.

IF I'M NOT WANTED, I'LL LEAVE.

YOU'LL GET YOUR PANCAKES IN THE MAIL.

Marge: THEN THEY GAVE ME BACK

MY $500 INVESTMENT

AND KICKED ME OUT OF THE CLUB.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

BACK UP A BIT NOW.

WHEN ARE THE PANCAKES COMING IN THE MAIL?

WELL, MAYBE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO MAKE MONEY FOR ANYWAY?

AS LONG AS I HAVE MY EARNING POWER

THIS FAMILY'S GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

OWW!

OH, CALL WORK AND TELL THEM I WON'T BE IN TOMORROW.

MOM, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE CONSERVATIVE.

LET'S ROLL THE DICE HERE.

IT WOULD BE NICE TO BEAT THOSE WOMEN

AT THEIR OWN GAME.

MAYBE I SHOULD LOOK INTO A FRANCHISE.

GREETINGS, HUMANS.

I AM INVESTO THE ROBOT OF THE PLANET OPPORTUNIAC.

MY SUPERIOR BRAIN ADVISES YOU TO ENTER THE FRANCHISE FAIR.

WE'RE TRYING TO, BUT YOU'RE BLOCKING OUR WAY.

DANGER! DANGER!

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP PAMPHLETS.

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

( sizzling )

( clunking, beeping )

( whistling )

HELP, HELP, HELP.

SECURITY CODE 30.

Man: WELL, THAT'S THE MIRACLE OF THE FRANCHISE.

YOU GET ALL THE EQUIPMENT AND KNOW-HOW YOU NEED

PLUS A FAMILIAR BRAND NAME PEOPLE TRUST.

YOU'LL BE ON A ROCKET RIDE TO THE MOON.

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE

WOULD YOU PICK UP SOME OF THAT NICE GREEN MOON MONEY

FOR ME-- ROYCE McCUTCHEON.

NO DEAL, McCUTCHEON.

THAT MOON MONEY IS MINE.

NOW, FOLKS, I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU

BUT SCIENTISTS SAY 40% OF AMERICA'S PICTURES

ARE HANGING CROOKED.

ALL: NO! NO!

YEAH, IT'S TRUE, AND I HEAR YOU ASKING,

"WELL, WHO'S GOING TO STRAIGHTEN OUT ALL THESE ARTISTIC ABOMINATIONS?"

YOUR FRIENDS? A NEIGHBOR?

THOSE FAT CATS IN WASHINGTON?

( chuckling )

GOOD LUCK. HEY, MAYBE NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

MAYBE THE PROBLEM WILL JUST FIX ITSELF.

NOW, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEING NAIVE.

OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.

BUT YOU SOUND LIKE

YOU'RE READY TO BECOME YOUR OWN BOSS

IN THE EXCITING WORLD OF FRAME-NUDGING.

YES, FOR A MINIMAL FRANCHISE FEE

YOU'LL RECEIVE A PAIR OF STRAIGHTENING GLOVES

A CANISTER OF WALL LUBRICANT

AND A BOOKLET OF THE MOST COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS

YOU WILL HEAR

INCLUDING "WHO ARE YOU?" AND "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

HMM, I DON'T WANT TO OWN MY OWN BUSINESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CAME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HELLO, HELEN.

MARGE.

EDNA.

MARGE.

UH...

OH, MY NAME IS AGNES AND YOU KNOW IT'S AGNES.

IT MEANS LAMB-- LAMB OF GOD.

I'M SORRY, AGNES.

MARGE.

DID YOU KNOW

THAT DISCO RECORD SALES WERE UP 400%

FOR THE YEAR ENDING 1976?

IF THESE TRENDS CONTINUE...

AAY!

UH, YOUR FISH ARE DEAD.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I CAN'T GET THEM OUT OF THERE.

HMM, PITA.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT FOOD

FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.

ISN'T THAT WHOLE AREA A LITTLE IFFY?

( laughs )

HEY, I'M NO GEOGRAPHER.

YOU AND I, WHY DON'T WE CALL IT POCKET BREAD, HUH?

WHAT'S TAHINI?

FLAVOR SAUCE.

AND FALAFEL?

CRUNCH PATTIES.

SO, WE'D BE SELLING FOREIGN...

SPECIALTY FOODS.

HERE, TRY A BEN FRANKLIN.

MMM, THAT IS GOOD.

WHAT'S IN IT?

TABBOULEH AND REZMI-KABOB.

UH, THAT'S OUR CHEF, CHRISTOPHER.

( ranting in Hindi )

I COULD SEE EATING THIS.

I REALLY COULD, AND I AM NOT KIDDING.

( murmuring excitedly )

LOOK AT THEM!

THEY'VE JUMPED ON THE ONE FRANCHISE

I MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE CONSIDERED

THINKING ABOUT BECOMING INTERESTED IN.

HMM.

I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR THE WORLD OF BUSINESS.

OOH, YOU SOUND LIKE ME.

WELL, THE OLD ME

WHICH WAS, IRONICALLY, THE YOUNG ME.

I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU WERE, YOUNG LADY--

LIKE ALL THESE PEOPLE--

LOST IN A SEA OF FLASHY GIMMICKS

AND EMPTY PROMISES.

THEN GOD TOSSED ME A LIFE PRESERVER--

A TASTY GOLDEN BROWN LIFE PRESERVER.

HERE. TRY A PRETZEL.

MMM!

THAT'S NOT BAD.

IT'S NOT ONLY NOT BAD; IT'S NOT BREAD.

"KNOT BREAD"-- YOU GET IT?

HUH? HA-HA? YOU SEE?

I DO!

( both laughing )

"KNOT BREAD."

( bugle plays fanfare )

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE NEWEST MEMBERS

OF THE FLEET-A-PITA FRANCHISE!

♪ I'M FEELING GOOD FROM MY HEAD TO MY SHOES... ♪

MAUDE... HELEN...

AGNES... LuANNE...

EDNA... BART...

WHOO! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WAIT, WAIT. HEY.

YOUR FRANCHISE... HOW MUCH?

$500.

I'LL TAKE IT!

CONGRATULATIONS,

AND WELCOME TO THE DYNAMIC WORLD

OF MOBILE PRETZEL RETAILING.

WHEN CAN I START? WHAT'S MY TERRITORY?

EH, TERRITORY...

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU:

WHEREVER A YOUNG MOTHER IS IGNORANT

OF WHAT TO FEED HER BABY, YOU'LL BE THERE.

WHEREVER NACHO PENETRATION IS LESS THAN TOTAL

YOU'LL BE THERE.

WHEREVER A BAVARIAN IS NOT QUITE FULL, YOU WILL BE THERE.

DON'T FORGET FAT PEOPLE.

THEY CAN'T STOP EATING.

HEY! PRETZELS!

OH. HELLO.

I'M FRANK ORMAND, AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING ME

THAT MEANS YOU'VE GOT PRETZEL FEVER

AND NOT THE KIND THAT ATTACKED MY INTESTINAL LINING

SOME YEARS BACK.

( laughing )

SO LET'S GET YOUR FRANCHISE UP AND RUNNING.

START BY SETTING UP AN OFFICE IN YOUR BASEMENT OR GARAGE.

AN AUTOMATIC GARAGE DOOR OPENER MAKES YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE WORKING IN A FUTURISTIC WONDERWORLD.

NEXT: BLANKET YOUR COMMUNITY WITH FLYERS.

A PHONY TICKER-TAPE PARADE

WILL HELP YOU AVOID LITTERING LAWS.

( cheering )

WELCOME BACK, SPACE GIRL.

( sobbing )

Now you're ready to make pretzels.

OPEN YOUR BAG OF INGREDIENTS...

UGH.

CHECK FOR... MILLIPEDES.

EWW.

( honking )

HEY, WHAT'S ALL THAT COMMOTION OUTSIDE?

WHY, IT'S ONE OF THOSE PRETZEL WAGONS

THE MOVIE STARS ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT.

( gasping ) HERE? AT OUR PLANT?

THAT'S RIGHT, LENNY.

LET'S ALL GIVE IN TO DELICIOUSNESS

THE PRETZEL WAGON WAY.

ALL: HEY.

YEAH. I'M IN.

LET'S GO. YEAH.

HOMER'S RIGHT.

WOW, MOM, LOOK AT ALL THOSE CUSTOMERS.

HAIRNETS, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO PRETZEL WAGON.

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

UH, LET'S SEE.

I'LL HAVE... ONE--

HEY, HURRY UP.

I WANT TO GET MY PRETZEL.

ONE PRETZEL.

THANK YOU.

UH, LET'S SEE, UM...

I WILL HAVE ONE OF YOUR, UH...

COME ON, COME ON, WHILE WE'RE YOUNG.

( honking )

♪ Don't stop thinking about tomorrow... ♪

WOW, CHECK OUT THAT VAN.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT DOESN'T EVEN NEED OUR BUSINESS.

HEY, LET'S GO.

♪ It'll be better than before ♪

♪ Yesterday's gone. ♪

EXCUSE ME.

I HAD THIS SPOT FIRST.

SORRY, DEAR. JUST BUSINESS. HA!

WELL, I GUESS MACY'S AND GIMBELS LEARNED

TO LIVE SIDE BY SIDE.

GIMBELS IS GONE, MARGE, LONG GONE.

YOU'RE GIMBELS.

VERY WELL.

THERE MUST BE DOZENS OF GREAT LOCATIONS IN THIS TOWN.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME.

HEY, SLOW DOWN.

I WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

GIVE US 300 PRETZELS.

YOU SEE? A LITTLE PERSISTENCE AND PATIENCE PAID OFF.

THAT'LL BE $300.

HEY, I DON'T THINK SO.

I GOT ME 300 COUPONS.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID, "LIMIT: ONE PER CUSTOMER."

SHOULD'VE, BUT DIDN'T, SO HAND THEM OVER.

HEY, KIDS, WE'RE EATING DINNER TONIGHT.

COME ON, TIFFANY

HEATHER, CODY, DYLAN,

DERMOT, JORDAN, TAYLOR

BRITTANY, WESLEY, RUMER,

SCOUT, CASSIDY, ZOE,

CHLOE, MAX, HUNTER, KENDALL

CAITLIN, NOAH, SASCHA, MORGAN,

KYRA, IAN, LAUREN

Q-BERT, PHIL.

"HANG IN THERE, BABY."

YOU SAID IT, KITTY.

"COPYRIGHT 1968."

HMM, DETERMINED OR NOT, THAT CAT MUST BE LONG DEAD.

THAT'S KIND OF A DOWNER.

THEY'RE GOOD PRETZELS, MOM

BUT YOU GOT TO THINK BIG.

FIND A MAJOR PUBLIC EVENT AND SET UP SHOP THERE.

HERE YOU GO.

FREE PRETZEL WAGON PRETZELS FOR EVERYONE.

ONE BITE AND YOU'LL BE HOOKED.

THANK YOU. GRACIAS.

THAT MEANS "THANK YOU," MARGE.

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, a winner has been chosen

for today's giveaway.

AND THE 1997 PONTIAC ASTROWAGON

GOES TO THE FAN

sitting in seat number 0001:

C. Montgomery Burns.

( scattered booing ) YAY!

Man 2: And the fans do not like this one bit.

Man: And here

come the pretzels.

NO. NO, DON'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TASTING THEM.

Man 2: Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field

PLEADING WITH THE CROWD FOR SOME KIND OF SANITY.

Man: Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels

NOW KNOCKING WHITEY UNCONSCIOUS.

WOW, THIS IS, UH...

THIS IS A BLACK DAY FOR BASEBALL.

OH, CHEER UP, MOM.

YOU CAN'T BUY PUBLICITY LIKE THAT.

THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SAW YOUR PRETZELS

INJURING WHITEY FORD.

YOU COULD CALL THEM WHITEY-WHACKERS.

I WAS WRONG TO HAVE A DREAM--

WRONG AS USUAL.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOTHING SPECIAL, WHY KID YOURSELF?

OH, MOM, NO.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS.

AIM LOW.

AIM SO LOW NO ONE WILL EVEN CARE IF YOU SUCCEED.

DINNER'S IN THE OVEN.