( bell rings)

( horn sounds)

( playing the blues)

( horn honks )

D-OHH!

( screams)

HELLO. I'M LEONARD NIMOY.

THE FOLLOWING TALE OF ALIEN ENCOUNTERS IS TRUE

AND BY TRUE, I MEAN FALSE.

IT'S ALL LIES, BUT THEY'RE ENTERTAINING LIES

AND IN THE END, ISN'T THAT THE REAL TRUTH?

THE ANSWER IS "NO."

OUR STORY BEGINS ON A FRIDAY MORNING

IN A LITTLE TOWN

CALLED SPRINGFIELD.

T.G.I.F., GUYS.

I'M OFF TO MOE'S.

BUT, HOMER, IT'S 10:00 IN THE MORNING.

DON'T WORRY, I HAVE A PLAN.

I SAW THIS IN A MOVIE

ABOUT A BUS THAT HAD TO "SPEED" AROUND A CITY

KEEPING ITS "SPEED" OVER 50

AND IF ITS "SPEED" DROPPED, IT WOULD EXPLODE.

I THINK IT WAS CALLED...

THE BUS THAT COULDN'T SLOW DOWN.

FIRST, I HOOK THIS COMMON VCR INTO THE SECURITY CAMERA SYSTEM

LIKE SO...

THEN I INSERT THIS OLD VIDEOTAPE OF US WORKING

ON A CONTINUOUS LOOP.

SO, ANOTHER FRIDAY IS UPON US.

WHAT'LL YOU BE DOING, SMITHERS?

SOMETHING GAY,NO DOUBT.

WHA...? WHAT?!

YOU KNOW, LIGHTHEARTED, FANCY-FREE.

MOTHERS, LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS.

SMITHERS IS ON THE TOWN.

( laughing)

EXACTLY, SIR.

( nervous chuckling)

THANK GOD IT'S WEDNESDAY.

IT'S FRIDAY.

UH-OH. WRONG PILLS.

UH... LITTLE HELP?

SORRY, DONKEY KONG.

YOU'RE JUST NOT A DRAW ANYMORE.

HEY, HE'S STILL GOT IT.

38, 39, 40 QUARTERS.

THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.

WHAT A RIP!

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY.

HELLO?

HELLO?

( growling)

BAD DOG!

( screeching)

BAD CAT!

BAD FAWN!

HMM.

SHOO-SHOO!

ALL RIGHT!

IT'S TIME FOR ABC's "T.G.I.F. LINEUP."

LIS, WHEN YOU GET A LITTLE OLDER

YOU'LL LEARN THAT FRIDAY'S JUST ANOTHER DAY

BETWEEN NBC's "MUST-SEE THURSDAY"

AND CBS's "SATURDAY NIGHT CRAPARAMA."

ANOTHER DUFF, HOMER?

NAH. IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, MOE.

I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING SPECIAL.

UH, SURE, SURE.

HERE YOU GO.

"DOOF."

FROM SWEDEN.

SKOAL!

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS DUFF.

( laughing)

YOU GOT ME, DIDN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO-- RED TICK BEER.

HMM.

BOLD, REFRESHING

AND SOMETHING I CAN'T QUITE PUT MY FINGER ON.

( barking)

MMM... NEEDS MORE DOG.

( snoring)

WELL, IT'S 1:00 A.M.

BETTER GO HOME

AND SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THE KIDS.

JUST A SECOND, HOMER.

YOU GOT TO TAKE A BREATHALYZER TEST

BEFORE I LET YOU DRIVE HOME.

( slurring): AH... I GUESS I'LL WALK HOME.

( dog howling)

( Psycho theme playing)

( gasping)

( screams)

( screams)

OH, SON, I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU.

I WENT FOR THE MORNING PAPER AND I GOT LOST.

NO TIME FOR YOU, OLD MAN.

OH...

( The X-Files theme playing)

( whimpering)

PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

( screaming)

HOMER, IT'S 2:00 A.M.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT WAS AN ALIEN, MARGE.

IT APPEARED IN FRONT OF ME AND SAID, "DON'T BE AFRAID."

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

NO... WELL, TEN BEERS.

( groans)

I'M TELLING YOU

I SAW A CREATURE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

MAYBE YOU JUST DREAMED IT.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, WHEN I CAME TO

I WAS COVERED WITH A STICKY TRANSLUCENT GOO.

EXPLAIN THAT.

MORE SAUSAGE?

DAD, ACCORDING TO JUNIOR SKEPTIC MAGAZINE

THE CHANCES ARE 175 MILLION TO ONE

OF ANOTHER FORM OF LIFE ACTUALLY COMING IN CONTACT WITH OURS.

SO?

IT'S JUST THAT

THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM THEY'VE SEEN ALIENS

ARE ALWAYS PATHETIC LOWLIFES WITH BORING JOBS.

OH, AND YOU, DAD.

I AM THE THING FROM URANUS.

( shrieks)

OH, IT'S BART.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'M BEING MOCKED BY MY OWN CHILDREN

ON MY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

YES.

REMEMBER, IT'S THE SAME DAY AS THE DOG'S.

SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

OOH, WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU A PRESENT.

YES, WE DO. YES, WE DO.

WE LOVE YOU, BOY.

GOOD DOGGY. GOOD DOGGY.

LOUSY LOVABLE DOG.

OH, IT WAS AWFUL.

THEY SET ME ON A COLD METAL TABLE

AND PRODDED ME WITH HUMILIATING PROBES

AND... OH, WAIT. THAT WAS MY PHYSICAL.

GREAT STORY, HOMER, REALLY.

THE ALIEN HAS

A SWEET HEAVENLY VOICE...

LIKE URKEL.

AND HE APPEARS EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT...

LIKE URKEL.

WELL, YOUR STORY IS VERY COMPELLING

MR. JACKASS.

I MEAN, UH, SIMPSON.

SO I'LL JUST TYPE IT UP ON MY INVISIBLE TYPEWRITER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HUMILIATE ME.

I JUST TORCHED A BUILDING DOWNTOWN

AND I'M AFRAID I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

I'LL JUST TYPE IT UP ON MY INVISIBLE TYPEWRITER.

( humming)

FRUITCAKE.

LOOK AT THIS, SCULLY.

THERE'S BEEN ANOTHER UNSUBSTANTIATED U.F.O. SIGHTING

IN THE HEARTLAND OF AMERICA.

WE'VE GOT TO GET THERE RIGHT AWAY.

WELL, GEE, MULDER,

THERE'S ALSO THIS REPORT OF A SHIPMENT OF DRUGS

AND ILLEGAL WEAPONS COMING INTO NEW JERSEY TONIGHT.

I HARDLY THINK THE F.B.I.'s CONCERNED

WITH MATTERS LIKE THAT.

HELLO. CAN I HELP YOU?

AGENTS MULDER AND SCULLY--

F.B.I.

IS THIS ABOUT THAT PEN

THAT I TOOK FROM THE POST OFFICE?

I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW I PUT IT IN MY PURSE.

THEN I WAS GOING TO BRING IT BACK

BUT THE DOG CHEWED IT UP, AND THAT JUST MADE THINGS WORSE.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE HERE TO SEE YOUR HUSBAND

ABOUT HIS U.F.O. ENCOUNTER.

OH... COME... COME IN.

( hyperventilating)

Scully: MR. SIMPSON, LOOK AT THIS LINEUP

AND TELL US IF ANY OF THESE ARE THE ALIENS YOU SAW.

YO.

NO, I'M SORRY.

( all mumbling)

THIS MAKES ME VERY ANGRY.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO RUN A FEW TESTS.

THIS IS A SIMPLE LIE DETECTOR.

I'LL ASK YOU A FEW "YES" OR "NO" QUESTIONS

AND YOU JUST ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES.

OW.

WAIT A MINUTE, SCULLY.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS TEST?

NO POINT.

I JUST THOUGHT HE COULD STAND TO LOSE A LITTLE WEIGHT.

HIS JIGGLING IS ALMOST HYPNOTIC.

YES, IT'S LIKE A LAVA LAMP.

Mulder: ALL RIGHT, HOMER

WE WANT YOU RE-CREATE YOUR EVERY MOVE

THE NIGHT YOU SAW THIS ALIEN.

WELL, THE EVENING BEGAN AT THE GENTLEMAN'S CLUB

WHERE WE WERE DISCUSSING WITTGENSTEIN

OVER A GAME OF BACKGAMMON.

MR. SIMPSON, IT'S A FELONY

TO LIE TO THE F.B.I.

WE WERE SITTING IN BARNEY'S CAR EATING PACKETS OF MUSTARD.

YOU HAPPY?

YOU ARE ONE FINE-LOOKING WOMAN, LADY.

IF I WASN'T MARRIED,

I'D GO OUT WITH YOU LIKE THAT.

I AM SO SORRY.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TELL MARGE.

GOD, I LOVE HER.

I... HEY, A PENNY.

SO, WHO ARE YOU GUYS ANYHOW?

AGENTS MULDER AND SCULLY--

F.B.I.

F.B.I., HUH?

UH, EXCUSE ME.

ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE ONTO US.

GET HIM BACK TO SEA WORLD.

( vocalizing)

SO I SAYS, "BLUE M&M, RED M&M.

THEY ALL WIND UP THE SAME COLOR IN THE END."

HOMER, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW US WHERE YOU WENT

WHEN YOU LEFT THE BAR.

I WAS STANDING RIGHT HERE

WHEN THE HORRIBLE CREATURE EMERGED FROM THE WOODS.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME!

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR FOUR DAYS

AND A TURTLE'S GOT A HOLD OF MY TEETH.

THERE HE IS.

COME BACK HERE, YOU.

SLOW DOWN. I'LL GET YOU.

THIS IS THE WORST ASSIGNMENT

WE'VE EVER HAD.

WORSE THAN THE TIME

WE WERE ATTACKED BY THE FLESH-EATING VIRUS?

OW! HE BIT ME WITH MY OWN TEETH!

NO, THIS IS MUCH MORE IRRITATING.

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, MULDER.

LET'S GO.

YEAH, O.K.

BUT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, SOMETHING IS WATCHING US.

THERE ARE ALIEN FORCES

ACTING IN WAYS WE CAN'T PERCEIVE.

ARE WE ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE?

IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE WONDERS

THAT EXIST AROUND US.

...VOODOO PRIESTS OF HAITI,

THE TIBETAN NUMEROLOGISTS OF APPALACHIA,

THE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES OF UNSOLVED MYSTERIES.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

( Moe grunting)

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

A WHALE COULD BE SO HEAVY?

AH, CHEESE IT. THE FEDS.

OH, MARGE, I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALONE.

NO ONE BELIEVES ME.

UH, THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

"I BELIEVE YOU, HOMER."

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, HOMER.

YOU DO?

OH, MARGE, YOU'VE MADE ME SO HAPPY.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

YOU'RE ONLY HEARING WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

THANKS. I'D LOVE AN OMELET RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

HOMER, PLEASE, I TRY TO BE SUPPORTIVE

BUT THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.

PLEASE JUST LET IT BE.

NO, I CAN'T.

THIS IS MY CAUSE.

I'M LIKE THE MAN WHO SINGLEHANDEDLY BUILT THE ROCKET

AND WENT TO THE MOON.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME, APOLLO CREED?

PLEASE, LET'S JUST GO TO SLEEP.

NO, I REFUSE TO SHARE A BED WITH SOMEONE WHO THINKS I'M CRAZY.

UNLESS YOU'RE FEELING AMOROUS.

( purrs)

NO, I'M NOT.

WELL, THEN, GOOD NIGHT.