( bell rings)

( horn sounds)

( playing the blues)

( horn honks )

D-OHH!

( screams)

HELLO. I'M LEONARD NIMOY.

THE FOLLOWING TALE OF ALIEN ENCOUNTERS IS TRUE

AND BY TRUE, I MEAN FALSE.

IT'S ALL LIES, BUT THEY'RE ENTERTAINING LIES

AND IN THE END, ISN'T THAT THE REAL TRUTH?

THE ANSWER IS "NO."

OUR STORY BEGINS ON A FRIDAY MORNING

IN A LITTLE TOWN

CALLED SPRINGFIELD.

T.G.I.F., GUYS.

I'M OFF TO MOE'S.

BUT, HOMER, IT'S 10:00 IN THE MORNING.

DON'T WORRY, I HAVE A PLAN.

I SAW THIS IN A MOVIE

ABOUT A BUS THAT HAD TO "SPEED" AROUND A CITY

KEEPING ITS "SPEED" OVER 50

AND IF ITS "SPEED" DROPPED, IT WOULD EXPLODE.

I THINK IT WAS CALLED...

THE BUS THAT COULDN'T SLOW DOWN.

FIRST, I HOOK THIS COMMON VCR INTO THE SECURITY CAMERA SYSTEM

LIKE SO...

THEN I INSERT THIS OLD VIDEOTAPE OF US WORKING

ON A CONTINUOUS LOOP.

SO, ANOTHER FRIDAY IS UPON US.

WHAT'LL YOU BE DOING, SMITHERS?

SOMETHING GAY,NO DOUBT.

WHA...? WHAT?!

YOU KNOW, LIGHTHEARTED, FANCY-FREE.

MOTHERS, LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS.

SMITHERS IS ON THE TOWN.

( laughing)

EXACTLY, SIR.

( nervous chuckling)

THANK GOD IT'S WEDNESDAY.

IT'S FRIDAY.

UH-OH. WRONG PILLS.

UH... LITTLE HELP?

SORRY, DONKEY KONG.

YOU'RE JUST NOT A DRAW ANYMORE.

HEY, HE'S STILL GOT IT.

38, 39, 40 QUARTERS.

THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.

WHAT A RIP!

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY.

HELLO?

HELLO?

( growling)

BAD DOG!

( screeching)

BAD CAT!

BAD FAWN!

HMM.

SHOO-SHOO!

ALL RIGHT!

IT'S TIME FOR ABC's "T.G.I.F. LINEUP."

LIS, WHEN YOU GET A LITTLE OLDER

YOU'LL LEARN THAT FRIDAY'S JUST ANOTHER DAY

BETWEEN NBC's "MUST-SEE THURSDAY"

AND CBS's "SATURDAY NIGHT CRAPARAMA."

ANOTHER DUFF, HOMER?

NAH. IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, MOE.

I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING SPECIAL.

UH, SURE, SURE.

HERE YOU GO.

"DOOF."

FROM SWEDEN.

SKOAL!

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS DUFF.

( laughing)

YOU GOT ME, DIDN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO-- RED TICK BEER.

HMM.

BOLD, REFRESHING

AND SOMETHING I CAN'T QUITE PUT MY FINGER ON.

( barking)

MMM... NEEDS MORE DOG.

( snoring)

WELL, IT'S 1:00 A.M.

BETTER GO HOME

AND SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THE KIDS.

JUST A SECOND, HOMER.

YOU GOT TO TAKE A BREATHALYZER TEST

BEFORE I LET YOU DRIVE HOME.

( slurring): AH... I GUESS I'LL WALK HOME.

( dog howling)

( Psycho theme playing)

( gasping)

( screams)

( screams)

OH, SON, I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU.

I WENT FOR THE MORNING PAPER AND I GOT LOST.

NO TIME FOR YOU, OLD MAN.

OH...

( The X-Files theme playing)

( whimpering)

PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

( screaming)

HOMER, IT'S 2:00 A.M.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT WAS AN ALIEN, MARGE.

IT APPEARED IN FRONT OF ME AND SAID, "DON'T BE AFRAID."

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

NO... WELL, TEN BEERS.

( groans)

I'M TELLING YOU

I SAW A CREATURE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

MAYBE YOU JUST DREAMED IT.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, WHEN I CAME TO

I WAS COVERED WITH A STICKY TRANSLUCENT GOO.

EXPLAIN THAT.

MORE SAUSAGE?

DAD, ACCORDING TO JUNIOR SKEPTIC MAGAZINE

THE CHANCES ARE 175 MILLION TO ONE

OF ANOTHER FORM OF LIFE ACTUALLY COMING IN CONTACT WITH OURS.

SO?

IT'S JUST THAT

THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM THEY'VE SEEN ALIENS

ARE ALWAYS PATHETIC LOWLIFES WITH BORING JOBS.

OH, AND YOU, DAD.

I AM THE THING FROM URANUS.

( shrieks)

OH, IT'S BART.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'M BEING MOCKED BY MY OWN CHILDREN

ON MY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

YES.

REMEMBER, IT'S THE SAME DAY AS THE DOG'S.

SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

OOH, WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU A PRESENT.

YES, WE DO. YES, WE DO.

WE LOVE YOU, BOY.

GOOD DOGGY. GOOD DOGGY.

LOUSY LOVABLE DOG.

OH, IT WAS AWFUL.

THEY SET ME ON A COLD METAL TABLE

AND PRODDED ME WITH HUMILIATING PROBES

AND... OH, WAIT. THAT WAS MY PHYSICAL.

GREAT STORY, HOMER, REALLY.

THE ALIEN HAS

A SWEET HEAVENLY VOICE...

LIKE URKEL.

AND HE APPEARS EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT...

LIKE URKEL.

WELL, YOUR STORY IS VERY COMPELLING

MR. JACKASS.

I MEAN, UH, SIMPSON.

SO I'LL JUST TYPE IT UP ON MY INVISIBLE TYPEWRITER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HUMILIATE ME.

I JUST TORCHED A BUILDING DOWNTOWN

AND I'M AFRAID I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

I'LL JUST TYPE IT UP ON MY INVISIBLE TYPEWRITER.

( humming)

FRUITCAKE.

LOOK AT THIS, SCULLY.

THERE'S BEEN ANOTHER UNSUBSTANTIATED U.F.O. SIGHTING

IN THE HEARTLAND OF AMERICA.

WE'VE GOT TO GET THERE RIGHT AWAY.

WELL, GEE, MULDER,

THERE'S ALSO THIS REPORT OF A SHIPMENT OF DRUGS

AND ILLEGAL WEAPONS COMING INTO NEW JERSEY TONIGHT.

I HARDLY THINK THE F.B.I.'s CONCERNED

WITH MATTERS LIKE THAT.

HELLO. CAN I HELP YOU?

AGENTS MULDER AND SCULLY--

F.B.I.

IS THIS ABOUT THAT PEN

THAT I TOOK FROM THE POST OFFICE?

I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW I PUT IT IN MY PURSE.

THEN I WAS GOING TO BRING IT BACK

BUT THE DOG CHEWED IT UP, AND THAT JUST MADE THINGS WORSE.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE HERE TO SEE YOUR HUSBAND

ABOUT HIS U.F.O. ENCOUNTER.

OH... COME... COME IN.

( hyperventilating)

Scully: MR. SIMPSON, LOOK AT THIS LINEUP

AND TELL US IF ANY OF THESE ARE THE ALIENS YOU SAW.

YO.

NO, I'M SORRY.

( all mumbling)

THIS MAKES ME VERY ANGRY.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO RUN A FEW TESTS.

THIS IS A SIMPLE LIE DETECTOR.

I'LL ASK YOU A FEW "YES" OR "NO" QUESTIONS

AND YOU JUST ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES.

OW.

WAIT A MINUTE, SCULLY.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS TEST?

NO POINT.

I JUST THOUGHT HE COULD STAND TO LOSE A LITTLE WEIGHT.

HIS JIGGLING IS ALMOST HYPNOTIC.