Burns, Baby Burns
Season 8 / Episode 4
D-OHH!
( screams )
WHAT A PERFECT OUTING FOR A BEAUTIFUL AUTUMN DAY.
I FEEL SORRY FOR EVERYONE WHO'S COOPED UP INSIDE
WATCHING THE SEVENTH GAME OF THE WORLD SERIES.
( sarcastically) YEAH. THEY WON'T LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT APPLES TODAY.
...AND THE CIDER MILL OPERATED CONTINUOUSLY UNTIL 1941
WHEN ITS WORKERS LEFT TO FIGHT IN THE SECOND WORLD WAR.
WHEN THEY RETURNED,
THE OLD GIRL WAS JUST AS THEY'D LEFT HER
ONLY NOW, SHE WAS INFESTED
WITH THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF RATS.
( disgusted murmuring )
RIGHT.
AND IF YOU LISTEN REAL CAREFULLY
YOU CAN STILL HEAR THEM GNAWING AWAY AT THE APPLES
AND SPLASHING AROUND IN THE TOILETS.
AND THAT CONCLUDES THIS PORTION OF THE TOUR.
( coins jingling )
ONE OF THE MOST HISTORICALLY SIGNIFICANT
FRUIT PRESSES IN THIS PART OF THE STATE.
BASED ON GERMAN DESIGN
BUT MODIFIED FOR LARGER AMERICAN APPLES...
WELL, IF GOD DIDN'T MAKE LITTLE GREEN APPLES
IT'S HOMER SIMPSON.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?
20 OF THE SUCKIEST MINUTES OF MY LIFE.
OH, SUCKING DOWN THE CIDER, HUH?
HEY, WORD TO THE WISE-- SEASON PASS.
PAYS FOR ITSELF AFTER THE 16th VISIT.
YOU KNOW, MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN APPLE CIDER AND APPLE JUICE, BUT I DO.
HERE'S A LITTLE TRICK TO HELP YOU REMEMBER.
IF IT'S CLEAR AND YELLA, YOU'VE GOT JUICE THERE, FELLA.
IF IT'S TANGY AND BROWN, YOU'RE IN CIDER TOWN.
NOW, THERE'S TWO EXCEPTIONS, AND IT GETS TRICKY HERE...
OHH! YOU CAN STAY, BUT I'M LEAVING.
...CAN BE YELLOW IF THEY'RE USING LATE SEASON APPLES.
AND, OF COURSE, IN CANADA, THE WHOLE THING'S FLIP-FLOPPED.
OH MY, I BETTER GET YOU SOME CIDER.
NEXT TO SPRING AND WINTER
FALL IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE SEASON.
JUST LOOK AT ALL THIS BEAUTIFUL FOILAGE.
IT'S NOT "FOILAGE," MOM. IT'S "FOLIAGE."
THAT'S WHAT I SAID, FOILAGE.
IT DOESN'T TAKE
A NUCULAR SCIENTIST TO PRONOUNCE FOILAGE.
( exasperated sigh )
HONESTLY, SMITHERS
I DON'T KNOW WHY HARVARD EVEN BOTHERS TO SHOW UP.
THEY BARELY EVEN WON.
THEIR CHEATING WAS EVEN MORE RAMPANT
THAN LAST YEAR, SIR.
WELL, I SAY LET HARVARD HAVE ITS FOOTBALL AND ACADEMICS.
YALE WILL ALWAYS BE FIRST IN GENTLEMANLY CLUB LIFE.
WHY, EVERY FRIEND I HAVE, I MADE RIGHT HERE.
HELLO, BURNSIE.
IT'S YOUR OLD ROOMIE, DINK.
( groans )
STEADY... STEADY...
( screeching )
OH-HO! NICELY PLAYED, SIR.
Man: Attention, passengers.
The train has been temporarily delayed
because of a discarded couch on the tracks.
LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF A COUCH.
THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE, SMITHERS.
WHY DON'T YOU GET DRUNK AND STUMBLE AROUND
COMICALLY FOR MY AMUSEMENT?
I'LL BE A ONE-MAN CONGA LINE.
CUSTOMERS. THANK GOD.
PAPA NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF EVERYTHING.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
WELCOME TO SCENIC WAYNESPORT
AND REMEMBER YOUR VISIT WITH A GOOGLY-EYED WALNUT.
HOW ABOUT A GOOGLY-EYED ROCK?
SOME NICE LOCAL SQUASH CANDY?
A STRETCHED-OUT PEPSI BOTTLE?
COME ON.
IF THIS STUFF IS TOO NICE FOR YOU
I'VE GOT SOME CRAP.
( humming drunkenly )
HEY, CASEY JONES
WHERE'S THIS TRAIN HEADED?
SPRINGFIELD.
YEAH, YEAH. WHAT STATE?
( train whistle blows )
I CAN HONESTLY SAY