The Homer They Fall

Season 8 / Episode 3

0:11 - 0:14

( bell ringing)

0:16 - 0:18

D-OHH!

0:18 - 0:19

( screams)

0:34 - 0:36

Springfield Mall

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in conjunction with Nostalgia Licensing Corporation

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is proud to present... the stars of Bonanza!

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( Bonanza theme song playing)

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THANK YOU. I JUST WISH BEN AND HOSS

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AND LITTLE JOE AND HOP SING AND SHERIFF ROY

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AND ALL OF YOUR FAVORITES COULD BE ALIVE TODAY

0:57 - 0:59

TO SEE THIS WONDERFUL TURNOUT.

0:59 - 1:00

YOU KNOW, ON THE SERIES

1:00 - 1:02

WE WERE ALWAYS TRYING

1:02 - 1:03

TO KILL THE CARTWRIGHTS.

1:03 - 1:05

( crowd booing)

1:07 - 1:09

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE FATHER TIME

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TOOK CARE OF THAT FOR US, RIGHT?

1:11 - 1:13

AM I RIGHT, FOLKS?

1:16 - 1:18

( Bonanza theme song playing)

1:20 - 1:24

OH, THIS SUCKS.

1:26 - 1:27

LOOK, MARGE!

1:27 - 1:29

THEY OPENED A NEW HIGH-TECH GADGET STORE!

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YOU LOVE HIGH-TECH GADGETS.

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NO, I DON'T.

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LIKE BULL, YOU DON'T. COME ON.

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HOMER, PLEASE! YOU'RE HURTING MY ARM!

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( laughs): NO, I'M NOT!

1:38 - 1:39

HEY, LIS.

1:39 - 1:41

CHECK OUT THIS SPACE-AGE TOOTHBRUSH.

1:41 - 1:44

THAT'S AN ELECTRIC NOSTRIL GROOMER.

1:44 - 1:45

( coughs)

1:45 - 1:50

NIGHT VISION GOGGLES?

1:50 - 1:53

A SUEDE BRIEFCASE CASE?

1:53 - 1:56

MM. ANYONE WHO NEEDS THIS KIND OF STATUS SYMBOL

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MUST HAVE SOME TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

1:58 - 1:60

( gasps)

1:60 - 2:01

MARGE, LOOK!

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"THE WORLD'S BEST JACKET."

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IF I HAD THIS, IT WOULD SHOW EVERYBODY!

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( growling maniacally): SHOW EVERYBODY!

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I WOULD LIKE TO RETURN YOUR "ULTIMATE BELT."

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I SEE. DO YOU HAVE A "RECEIPT," SIR?

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NO, I DO NOT HAVE A RECEIPT.

2:17 - 2:20

I WON IT AS A DOOR PRIZE AT THE STAR TREK CONVENTION

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ALTHOUGH I FIND THEIR CHOICE OF PRIZE HIGHLY ILLOGICAL

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AS THE AVERAGE TREKKER

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HAS NO USE FOR A MEDIUM-SIZED BELT.

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WHOA, WHOA! A FAT, SARCASTIC STAR TREK FAN.

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YOU MUST BE A DEVIL WITH THE LADIES.

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BUT NO RECEIPT, NO RETURN.

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I'LL GIVE YOU FOUR BUCKS FOR IT.

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( sighs)

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VERY WELL. I MUST HURRY BACK

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TO MY COMIC BOOK STORE

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WHERE I DISPENSE THE INSULTS RATHER THAN ABSORB THEM.

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WOW! I BET IF GOD WORE PANTS

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HE'D HAVE A BELT LIKE THAT!

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THIS ISN'T A BELT.

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IT'S A TACTICAL PANTS-RETAINING SYSTEM.

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CHECK IT OUT: COMPASS, MATCHES

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WHISTLE, SAW, PANIC BUTTON, SQUIRREL SNARE

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RADON/LIE DETECTOR, SPHYGMOMANOMETER

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AND IT'S EVEN GOT TURN SIGNALS.

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HEY, SIMPSON.

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WANT TO TRADE BELTS?

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WELL, NOT REALLY

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'CAUSE YOURS IS JUST A PIECE

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HEY, DUDE, HE'S RAGGING ON YOUR CORD.

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GET HIM.

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NO RUNNING.

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TIME FOR A LITTLE EVASIVE ACTION.

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HE'S TURNING LEFT!

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Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

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I WAS HOPING IT WOULDN'T COME TO THIS

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CAN'T YOU READ?!

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HEY, DAD.

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LOOKING GOOD, SON.

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HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BELT?

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YOU'VE GOT TO SQUEAL TO EVERY TEACHER

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COMING TO ME WAS A GOOD START.

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BUT THEN THEY'LL JUST BEAT ME UP EVEN WORSE!

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I KNOW. I'LL SQUEAL FOR YOU-- TO THEIR PARENTS.

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Jimbo's father: THAT'S FOR TELLING ME HOW TO RAISE MY LOUSY KID

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THE THING IS...

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( grunts)

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BART REALLY LOVES THAT BELT, AND...

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HEY, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS GUY.

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HE'S NOT FALLING DOWN!

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( shotgun cocking)

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Moe: FUN'S OVER, FELLAS.

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IF YOU'RE GOING TO BEAT UP

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MY FRIEND IN MY BAR

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THERE'S A TWO-DRINK MINIMUM.

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GEEZ, HOMER, I NEVER SEEN

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A GUY STAND UP TO THAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT.

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I MEAN, YOU TOOK A THREE-MAN POUNDING

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BIG DEAL. I DIDN'T EVEN GET MY KID'S BELT BACK.

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THE ONLY THING A LOSER LIKE ME IS GOOD FOR

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IS TAKING BEATINGS.

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THERE YOU GO!

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COULDN'T TAKE A PUNCH HALF AS GOOD AS YOU.

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YOU KNOW, BOXING MIGHT BE RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

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REALLY?

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OH, PLEASE! IT'S THE GOOD LIFE, HOMER.

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SOME OF THESE BOXERS

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THEY EAT STEAK AND LOBSTER AND SALAD BAR

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ALL IN A SINGLE MEAL.

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( gasps)

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DRESSING?

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THEIR CHOICE.

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YOU REALLY THINK I COULD DO IT?

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WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

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ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO TEST EVERY ONE OF YOUR LIMITS?

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YES.

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TO THROW A PUNCH, SHOULD THE OPPORTUNITY ARISE?

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YES!

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AND ARE YOU

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MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE ME A 60% CUT?

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YES!

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WOO-HOO!

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NOW HOMER, IF I'M GONNA MANAGE YOUR BOXING CAREER,

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I WANT YOU TO HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN ME.

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HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

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WOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN HERE BEFORE.

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YEAH, WELL, WHEN I REALIZED

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WE HADN'T HAD NO LADIES IN HERE SINCE 1979

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I TURNED IT INTO AN OFFICE.

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YOU USED TO BE A BOXER JUST LIKE ME?

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YEP. THEY CALLED ME "KID GORGEOUS."

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LATER ON, IT WAS "KID PRESENTABLE"

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THEN "KID GRUESOME"

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AND FINALLY, "KID MOE."

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HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

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AW, THAT'S MY OLD SPIT BUCKET.

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YEAH, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO EMPTY THAT OUT.

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YOU KNOW LUCIUS SWEET?!

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HE'S ONE OF

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THE BIGGEST NAMES IN BOXING.

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HE'S EXACTLY AS RICH AND AS FAMOUS

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AS DON KING AND HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM TOO.

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BACK WHEN I WAS GORGEOUS, EVERYBODY WANTED A PIECE OF ME

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WHY NOT?

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'CAUSE I GOT KNOCKED OUT

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40 TIMES IN A ROW.

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YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL POLITICS.

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LOUSY DEMOCRATS.

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( Marge growling)

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HOMER, OF ALL THE CRAZY IDEAS YOU'VE HAD

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THIS ONE RANKS... SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.

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YOU'RE 38 YEARS OLD.

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YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO BOX

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AND YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY EXERCISE SINCE GRADE SCHOOL.

7:00 - 7:04

BEFORE YOU EVEN CONSIDER THIS, I INSIST YOU CONSULT A DOCTOR.

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NO PROBLEMO.

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A COMPETENT DOCTOR!

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D-OHH!

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WELL, SIR, YOU MORE THAN MEET

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TO BOX, WRESTLE OR BE SHOT OUT OF A CANNON.

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( growling): THAT'S WHAT WE GET

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FOR LIVING IN A STATE FOUNDED BY CIRCUS FREAKS.

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KNOWN AS "HOMER SIMPSON SYNDROME."

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OH, WHY ME?!

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DON'T WORRY, IT'S QUITE BENEFICIAL.

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YOUR BRAIN IS CUSHIONED BY A LAYER OF FLUID

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ONE-EIGHTH OF AN INCH THICKER THAN NORMAL.

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IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU'RE WEARING

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A FOOTBALL HELMET INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

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WHY, I COULD WALLOP YOU ALL DAY WITH THIS SURGICAL 2 x 4

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WITHOUT EVER KNOCKING YOU DOWN, BUT I HAVE OTHER APPOINTMENTS.

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ALL RIGHT, HOMER

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LET'S SEE THE LEFT.

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( grunts)

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O-KAY.

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LET'S SEE THE RIGHT.

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( panting)

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JUST A SECOND.

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WHEN YOU'RE READY.

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ALL RIGHT.

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I'M READY.

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WAIT A MINUTE.

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WAIT A MINUTE.

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JUST A SECOND.

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OKAY, PUNCHING ISN'T YOUR THING, BUT THAT'S OKAY.

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YOU'RE NOT THAT KIND OF FIGHTER.

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WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS STAND THERE

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WHILE YOUR OPPONENT GETS EXHAUSTED FROM OVERPUNCHING.

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THAT'S RIGHT, AND IF THE REF'S NOT LOOKING

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YOU CAN KICK HIM A COUPLE OF TIMES.

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NO ONE.

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WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FIGHT BACK?

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NEVER!

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WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? NOTHING!

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THAT'S MY BOY!

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MAN, YOU'D NEVER GET ME INTO A RING.

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BRAWLED HIS WAY UP FROM THE BOXCARS, DID HE?

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NO, NOT YET.

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BUT HE'S A HUNGRY YOUNG FIGHTER.

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IN FACT, HE'S ACTUALLY FIGHTING FOR A SANDWICH.

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I HOPE YOU DO BETTER WITH THEM THAN I DID.

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GEE, THANKS, MOE.

8:59 - 9:02

WHAT'S THIS?

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WE CALLED THAT "THE STINGER."

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THEY DON'T LET YOU USE THAT NO MORE.

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NOW, NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE HITS YOU

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YOU DON'T DO NOTHING, OKAY?

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YOU DON'T WANT TO GET DRAWN

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INTO A BOXING MATCH HERE.

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( bell rings)

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WAY TO GO, DAD!

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TAKE THOSE PUNCHES!

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MAN, THAT TRAMP'S GOT THE ENERGY OF A HOBO.

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YEAH, HE NEVER STOPS PUNCHING

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EXCEPT TO CHECK OUT HIS BINDLE.

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OKAY, HOMER, HE'S TIRED. HE'S TIRED.

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NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

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( cheering)

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( "Flower Duet" from Lakme playing)

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( duet continues)

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HELLO, MOE.

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DELIGHTFUL TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

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LUCIUS! HEY, WHAT'S A GLITTERATI LIKE YOU DOING IN MY DUMP?

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I THOUGHT YOU WERE MANAGING THE CHAMP.

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YES, MANAGING DREDERICK HAS BEEN MY HIGHEST PRIORITY

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EVEN THOUGH HE IS TEMPORARILY INCARCERATED

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FOR PUSHING HIS MOTHER DOWN THE STAIRS

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I'VE BEEN STRATEGIZING FOR HIS GLORIOUS RETURN

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TO THE SHORES OF FISTIANA.

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UH... WHAT?

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HIS COMEBACK FIGHT.

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OH, MAN. YEAH.

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WELL, WHO'S DONATING HIS BODY FOR THAT ONE, HUH?

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WELL, WORD IS YOU MANAGE A STALWART YOUNG PUGILIST

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WHO CANNOT BE KNOCKED DOWN.

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HOMER?

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WELL, THE FANS ARE WEARY OF FIGHTS THAT ARE OVER

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BEFORE THEY HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO EVEN GET DRUNK.

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FOR THREE ROUNDS.

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YEAH, BUT HOMER'S NO BOXER.

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HE'S JUST A FREAK.

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TATUM WILL FUSTIGATE HIM.

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WELL, FUSTIGATION ASIDE, MOE

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YOU'VE GOT A CHOICE.

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YOU CAN EITHER SIT HERE IN THE LADIES' ROOM

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WITH YOUR FADED MEMORIES

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OR... YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LAST SHOT AT THE BIG TIME

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( jingling)

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THREE ROUNDS.

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THAT'S ALL I ASK.

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I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, HOMER.

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I DIDN'T BRING YOU UP HERE TO SHOW YOU MY NEW TAR PAPER.

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YOU DIDN'T?

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NO. HOMER, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE

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TO BE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?

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OH, SURE.

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GREAT. ALL YOU GOT TO DO

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IS FIGHT DREDERICK TATUM. IT'S THIS SATURDAY.

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HERE'S YOUR PARKING PASS.

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OOH. "GENERAL."

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IS HE ANOTHER HOBO?

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UH... YOU KNOW WHAT?

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I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CHECK ON THAT.

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WELL, I TRUST YOU, MOE.

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IF YOU SAY I CAN BEAT THIS GUY

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THEN HE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE.

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( alarm wailing)

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( men shouting)

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HEY, GUYS, COME ON. SHUT UP.

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( silence)

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WE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

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SORRY, CHAMP.

12:55 - 12:57

IT WAS JERRY.

13:03 - 13:06

DO YOU FEEL REMORSE FOR YOUR CRIME?

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OH, YES. BELIEVE ME, MY GOD

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I WOULD CERTAINLY RECONSIDER IT.

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Man #2: DREDERICK

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WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HOMER SIMPSON?

13:15 - 13:16

I THINK HE'S A GOOD MAN, I LIKE HIM.

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I GOT NOTHING AGAINST HIM,

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BUT I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO MAKE ORPHANS OF HIS CHILDREN.

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Man #3: YOU KNOW, THEY DO HAVE A MOTHER.

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YES, BUT I WOULD IMAGINE THAT SHE WOULD DIE OF GRIEF.

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( reporters shouting)

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THANK YOU, THANK YOU

13:28 - 13:31

BUT THE CHAMP HAS NO TIME FOR FURTHER QUERIES.

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THIS PAROLE HEARING IS OVER.

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( reporters groaning)

13:34 - 13:37

I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE IN PRISON.

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HOMER, WHY ARE THEY SAYING

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YOU'RE GOING TO FIGHT DREDERICK TATUM?

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( gulps)

13:45 - 13:48

UH... WELL...

13:48 - 13:52

I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU, BUT...

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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY!

13:53 - 13:55

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!

13:55 - 13:56

OH, COME ON!

13:56 - 13:59

I'LL MAKE A FORTUNE FOR ONE NIGHT'S WORK.

13:59 - 14:01

WE CAN HAVE ALL THE THINGS WE ALWAYS DREAMED OF--

14:01 - 14:03

A SNOOTY BUTLER, CARPETED CARPORTS

14:03 - 14:06

THOSE BLUE CUPCAKES THEY SELL SOMETIMES...

14:06 - 14:07

BUT YOU'LL GET KILLED.

14:07 - 14:09

MARGE, WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?

14:09 - 14:10

PLUG-IN ROOM DEODORIZERS

14:10 - 14:12

FRONT AND REAR SPOILERS FOR THE CAR.

14:12 - 14:14

MOM'S RIGHT, DAD.

14:14 - 14:17

THE ODDS AGAINST YOU WINNING ARE A THOUSAND TO ONE.

14:17 - 14:18

I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT UNLIKELY.

14:18 - 14:21

THOSE ARE THE ODDS THEY'RE GIVING IN VEGAS.

14:21 - 14:22

ALL RIGHT

14:22 - 14:25

I THINK WE'VE HEARD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH

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FROM MR. NEWSPAPER TODAY.

14:29 - 14:33

Man: Society put Drederick Tatum away for his brutal crime