( bell ringing)

D-OHH!

( screams)

Springfield Mall

in conjunction with Nostalgia Licensing Corporation

is proud to present... the stars of Bonanza!

( Bonanza theme song playing)

THANK YOU. I JUST WISH BEN AND HOSS

AND LITTLE JOE AND HOP SING AND SHERIFF ROY

AND ALL OF YOUR FAVORITES COULD BE ALIVE TODAY

TO SEE THIS WONDERFUL TURNOUT.

YOU KNOW, ON THE SERIES

WE WERE ALWAYS TRYING

TO KILL THE CARTWRIGHTS.

( crowd booing)

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE FATHER TIME

TOOK CARE OF THAT FOR US, RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT, FOLKS?

( Bonanza theme song playing)

OH, THIS SUCKS.

LOOK, MARGE!

THEY OPENED A NEW HIGH-TECH GADGET STORE!

YOU LOVE HIGH-TECH GADGETS.

NO, I DON'T.

LIKE BULL, YOU DON'T. COME ON.

HOMER, PLEASE! YOU'RE HURTING MY ARM!

( laughs): NO, I'M NOT!

HEY, LIS.

CHECK OUT THIS SPACE-AGE TOOTHBRUSH.

THAT'S AN ELECTRIC NOSTRIL GROOMER.

( coughs)

NIGHT VISION GOGGLES?

A SUEDE BRIEFCASE CASE?

MM. ANYONE WHO NEEDS THIS KIND OF STATUS SYMBOL

MUST HAVE SOME TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

( gasps)

MARGE, LOOK!

"THE WORLD'S BEST JACKET."

IF I HAD THIS, IT WOULD SHOW EVERYBODY!

( growling maniacally): SHOW EVERYBODY!

I WOULD LIKE TO RETURN YOUR "ULTIMATE BELT."

I SEE. DO YOU HAVE A "RECEIPT," SIR?

NO, I DO NOT HAVE A RECEIPT.

I WON IT AS A DOOR PRIZE AT THE STAR TREK CONVENTION

ALTHOUGH I FIND THEIR CHOICE OF PRIZE HIGHLY ILLOGICAL

AS THE AVERAGE TREKKER

HAS NO USE FOR A MEDIUM-SIZED BELT.

WHOA, WHOA! A FAT, SARCASTIC STAR TREK FAN.

YOU MUST BE A DEVIL WITH THE LADIES.

BUT NO RECEIPT, NO RETURN.

I'LL GIVE YOU FOUR BUCKS FOR IT.

( sighs)

VERY WELL. I MUST HURRY BACK

TO MY COMIC BOOK STORE

WHERE I DISPENSE THE INSULTS RATHER THAN ABSORB THEM.

WOW! I BET IF GOD WORE PANTS

HE'D HAVE A BELT LIKE THAT!

THIS ISN'T A BELT.

IT'S A TACTICAL PANTS-RETAINING SYSTEM.

CHECK IT OUT: COMPASS, MATCHES

WHISTLE, SAW, PANIC BUTTON, SQUIRREL SNARE

RADON/LIE DETECTOR, SPHYGMOMANOMETER

AND IT'S EVEN GOT TURN SIGNALS.

HEY, SIMPSON.

WANT TO TRADE BELTS?

WELL, NOT REALLY

'CAUSE YOURS IS JUST A PIECE

HEY, DUDE, HE'S RAGGING ON YOUR CORD.

GET HIM.

NO RUNNING.

TIME FOR A LITTLE EVASIVE ACTION.

HE'S TURNING LEFT!

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

I WAS HOPING IT WOULDN'T COME TO THIS

CAN'T YOU READ?!

HEY, DAD.

LOOKING GOOD, SON.

HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BELT?

YOU'VE GOT TO SQUEAL TO EVERY TEACHER

COMING TO ME WAS A GOOD START.

BUT THEN THEY'LL JUST BEAT ME UP EVEN WORSE!

I KNOW. I'LL SQUEAL FOR YOU-- TO THEIR PARENTS.

Jimbo's father: THAT'S FOR TELLING ME HOW TO RAISE MY LOUSY KID

THE THING IS...

( grunts)

BART REALLY LOVES THAT BELT, AND...

HEY, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS GUY.

HE'S NOT FALLING DOWN!

( shotgun cocking)

Moe: FUN'S OVER, FELLAS.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BEAT UP

MY FRIEND IN MY BAR

THERE'S A TWO-DRINK MINIMUM.

GEEZ, HOMER, I NEVER SEEN

A GUY STAND UP TO THAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT.

I MEAN, YOU TOOK A THREE-MAN POUNDING

BIG DEAL. I DIDN'T EVEN GET MY KID'S BELT BACK.

THE ONLY THING A LOSER LIKE ME IS GOOD FOR

IS TAKING BEATINGS.

THERE YOU GO!

COULDN'T TAKE A PUNCH HALF AS GOOD AS YOU.

YOU KNOW, BOXING MIGHT BE RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

REALLY?

OH, PLEASE! IT'S THE GOOD LIFE, HOMER.

SOME OF THESE BOXERS

THEY EAT STEAK AND LOBSTER AND SALAD BAR

ALL IN A SINGLE MEAL.

( gasps)

DRESSING?

THEIR CHOICE.

YOU REALLY THINK I COULD DO IT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO TEST EVERY ONE OF YOUR LIMITS?

YES.

TO THROW A PUNCH, SHOULD THE OPPORTUNITY ARISE?

YES!

AND ARE YOU

MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE ME A 60% CUT?

YES!

WOO-HOO!

NOW HOMER, IF I'M GONNA MANAGE YOUR BOXING CAREER,

I WANT YOU TO HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN ME.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN HERE BEFORE.

YEAH, WELL, WHEN I REALIZED

WE HADN'T HAD NO LADIES IN HERE SINCE 1979

I TURNED IT INTO AN OFFICE.

YOU USED TO BE A BOXER JUST LIKE ME?

YEP. THEY CALLED ME "KID GORGEOUS."

LATER ON, IT WAS "KID PRESENTABLE"

THEN "KID GRUESOME"

AND FINALLY, "KID MOE."

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

AW, THAT'S MY OLD SPIT BUCKET.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO EMPTY THAT OUT.

YOU KNOW LUCIUS SWEET?!

HE'S ONE OF

THE BIGGEST NAMES IN BOXING.

HE'S EXACTLY AS RICH AND AS FAMOUS

AS DON KING AND HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM TOO.

BACK WHEN I WAS GORGEOUS, EVERYBODY WANTED A PIECE OF ME

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE I GOT KNOCKED OUT

40 TIMES IN A ROW.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL POLITICS.

LOUSY DEMOCRATS.

( Marge growling)

HOMER, OF ALL THE CRAZY IDEAS YOU'VE HAD

THIS ONE RANKS... SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.

YOU'RE 38 YEARS OLD.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO BOX

AND YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY EXERCISE SINCE GRADE SCHOOL.

BEFORE YOU EVEN CONSIDER THIS, I INSIST YOU CONSULT A DOCTOR.

NO PROBLEMO.

A COMPETENT DOCTOR!

D-OHH!

WELL, SIR, YOU MORE THAN MEET

TO BOX, WRESTLE OR BE SHOT OUT OF A CANNON.

( growling): THAT'S WHAT WE GET

FOR LIVING IN A STATE FOUNDED BY CIRCUS FREAKS.

KNOWN AS "HOMER SIMPSON SYNDROME."

OH, WHY ME?!

DON'T WORRY, IT'S QUITE BENEFICIAL.

YOUR BRAIN IS CUSHIONED BY A LAYER OF FLUID

ONE-EIGHTH OF AN INCH THICKER THAN NORMAL.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU'RE WEARING

A FOOTBALL HELMET INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

WHY, I COULD WALLOP YOU ALL DAY WITH THIS SURGICAL 2 x 4

WITHOUT EVER KNOCKING YOU DOWN, BUT I HAVE OTHER APPOINTMENTS.

ALL RIGHT, HOMER

LET'S SEE THE LEFT.

( grunts)

O-KAY.

LET'S SEE THE RIGHT.

( panting)

JUST A SECOND.

WHEN YOU'RE READY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M READY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

JUST A SECOND.

OKAY, PUNCHING ISN'T YOUR THING, BUT THAT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE NOT THAT KIND OF FIGHTER.

WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS STAND THERE

WHILE YOUR OPPONENT GETS EXHAUSTED FROM OVERPUNCHING.

THAT'S RIGHT, AND IF THE REF'S NOT LOOKING

YOU CAN KICK HIM A COUPLE OF TIMES.

NO ONE.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FIGHT BACK?

NEVER!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? NOTHING!

THAT'S MY BOY!

MAN, YOU'D NEVER GET ME INTO A RING.

BRAWLED HIS WAY UP FROM THE BOXCARS, DID HE?

NO, NOT YET.

BUT HE'S A HUNGRY YOUNG FIGHTER.

IN FACT, HE'S ACTUALLY FIGHTING FOR A SANDWICH.

I HOPE YOU DO BETTER WITH THEM THAN I DID.

GEE, THANKS, MOE.

WHAT'S THIS?

WE CALLED THAT "THE STINGER."

THEY DON'T LET YOU USE THAT NO MORE.

NOW, NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE HITS YOU

YOU DON'T DO NOTHING, OKAY?

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET DRAWN

INTO A BOXING MATCH HERE.

( bell rings)

WAY TO GO, DAD!

TAKE THOSE PUNCHES!

MAN, THAT TRAMP'S GOT THE ENERGY OF A HOBO.

YEAH, HE NEVER STOPS PUNCHING

EXCEPT TO CHECK OUT HIS BINDLE.

OKAY, HOMER, HE'S TIRED. HE'S TIRED.

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

( cheering)

( "Flower Duet" from Lakme playing)

( duet continues)

HELLO, MOE.

DELIGHTFUL TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

LUCIUS! HEY, WHAT'S A GLITTERATI LIKE YOU DOING IN MY DUMP?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MANAGING THE CHAMP.

YES, MANAGING DREDERICK HAS BEEN MY HIGHEST PRIORITY

EVEN THOUGH HE IS TEMPORARILY INCARCERATED

FOR PUSHING HIS MOTHER DOWN THE STAIRS

I'VE BEEN STRATEGIZING FOR HIS GLORIOUS RETURN

TO THE SHORES OF FISTIANA.

UH... WHAT?

HIS COMEBACK FIGHT.

OH, MAN. YEAH.

WELL, WHO'S DONATING HIS BODY FOR THAT ONE, HUH?

WELL, WORD IS YOU MANAGE A STALWART YOUNG PUGILIST

WHO CANNOT BE KNOCKED DOWN.

HOMER?

WELL, THE FANS ARE WEARY OF FIGHTS THAT ARE OVER

BEFORE THEY HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO EVEN GET DRUNK.

FOR THREE ROUNDS.

YEAH, BUT HOMER'S NO BOXER.

HE'S JUST A FREAK.

TATUM WILL FUSTIGATE HIM.

WELL, FUSTIGATION ASIDE, MOE

YOU'VE GOT A CHOICE.

YOU CAN EITHER SIT HERE IN THE LADIES' ROOM

WITH YOUR FADED MEMORIES

OR... YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LAST SHOT AT THE BIG TIME

( jingling)

THREE ROUNDS.

THAT'S ALL I ASK.

I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, HOMER.

I DIDN'T BRING YOU UP HERE TO SHOW YOU MY NEW TAR PAPER.

YOU DIDN'T?

NO. HOMER, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE

TO BE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?

OH, SURE.

GREAT. ALL YOU GOT TO DO

IS FIGHT DREDERICK TATUM. IT'S THIS SATURDAY.

HERE'S YOUR PARKING PASS.

OOH. "GENERAL."

IS HE ANOTHER HOBO?

UH... YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CHECK ON THAT.

WELL, I TRUST YOU, MOE.

IF YOU SAY I CAN BEAT THIS GUY

THEN HE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE.

( alarm wailing)

( men shouting)

HEY, GUYS, COME ON. SHUT UP.

( silence)

WE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

SORRY, CHAMP.

IT WAS JERRY.

DO YOU FEEL REMORSE FOR YOUR CRIME?

OH, YES. BELIEVE ME, MY GOD

I WOULD CERTAINLY RECONSIDER IT.

Man #2: DREDERICK

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HOMER SIMPSON?

I THINK HE'S A GOOD MAN, I LIKE HIM.

I GOT NOTHING AGAINST HIM,

BUT I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO MAKE ORPHANS OF HIS CHILDREN.

Man #3: YOU KNOW, THEY DO HAVE A MOTHER.

YES, BUT I WOULD IMAGINE THAT SHE WOULD DIE OF GRIEF.

( reporters shouting)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU

BUT THE CHAMP HAS NO TIME FOR FURTHER QUERIES.

THIS PAROLE HEARING IS OVER.

( reporters groaning)

I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE IN PRISON.

HOMER, WHY ARE THEY SAYING

YOU'RE GOING TO FIGHT DREDERICK TATUM?

( gulps)

UH... WELL...

I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU, BUT...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY!

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!

OH, COME ON!

I'LL MAKE A FORTUNE FOR ONE NIGHT'S WORK.

WE CAN HAVE ALL THE THINGS WE ALWAYS DREAMED OF--

A SNOOTY BUTLER, CARPETED CARPORTS

THOSE BLUE CUPCAKES THEY SELL SOMETIMES...

BUT YOU'LL GET KILLED.

MARGE, WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?

PLUG-IN ROOM DEODORIZERS

FRONT AND REAR SPOILERS FOR THE CAR.

MOM'S RIGHT, DAD.

THE ODDS AGAINST YOU WINNING ARE A THOUSAND TO ONE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT UNLIKELY.

THOSE ARE THE ODDS THEY'RE GIVING IN VEGAS.

ALL RIGHT

I THINK WE'VE HEARD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH

FROM MR. NEWSPAPER TODAY.

Man: Society put Drederick Tatum away for his brutal crime