( bell ringing)

D-ohh!

( screams)

( bell dings)

Here's your toast, Maggie.

I melba-fied it myself.

Oh, Lisa, I tracked down

those old newspapers for your history project.

Wow, Mom, you didn't have to go to this much trouble.

It was no trouble.

The hobos at the dump were very helpful.

Except one man who seemed to have mental problems.

( muffled): Good morning.

Bart, it's class photo day. No Dracula fangs.

But they told us to wear them.

No, they didn't.

And don't put signs on your sister.

Now, keep the lettuce separate until 11:30.

That way

the lettuce stays moist and the bread stays dry.

Huh? Huh?

Mom, you fuss over us way too much.

Enjoy it now

because when you're a grown-up

you'll have to take care of yourself.

( whining): Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.

You did the right thing

by telling me.

Shoo. Get out of here.

That's better.

Now that we're alone

Papa Bear has a little honey for his Mama Bear.

( giggling)

( gasping)

( reading certificate )

"Mineral bath, facial massage."

How did you afford these?

Never you mind.

What advantages does this motor car have

over say, a train?

...which I could also afford.

Well, you'll notice

how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while...

...gently massages your buttocks.

Well, Count Homer

shall we discuss the...?

No, we shan't.

Yoink!

Homie, this is so sweet, but I can't possibly go now.

The sink is full of dirty dishes.

The trash needs to be taken out.

The living room is a mess.

Oh we'll clean up this afternoon.

What about Maggie?

I got my Dad to look after her.

Behind ya!

Don't do that!

Don't do that!

Come on, honey, you work yourself stupid for this family.

If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed

and buried in mud it's you.

Well, all right.

But I'm taking some of the ironing with me in the ca--ohh!.

Tighten those braids, Missy.

- Hoist your flag, Dooley. - ( zipping)

Nelson, you look adorable.

I feel like punching myself.

Bart, stop scratching.

You're messing up your hair.

Ah!! Lice!

How on earth does a boy get head lice

in this day and age?

We bought a wicker basket from Trader Pete's

and he was passed out inside.

Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse?

S-so cold.

So very, very cold.

See you in hell

you wingless blood-suckers.

( tiny shrieks)

What kind of parents would permit

such a lapse in scalpel hygiene?

You'd better check out his sister.

She could be rife with them bugs too.

Keep away.

Hey, come on.

Those are prescription shoes.

I need them.

( together): You have cooties, you have cooties.

No, I don't.

Skinner: Lisa Simpson, report to the Principal's office

for head lice inspection.

( girls laughing)

Ow!

( garbled): My tongue.

Head's up.

Principal Skinner, I need some shoes.

Sweet Georgia Brown!

Something is rotten at the Simpson house.

( sighing)

This is so relaxing.

Homie, this was a wonderful idea.

( chuckling): Yeah.

If that mafia guy weren't staring at us

I'd take off my towel.

Oh, don't mind a-me.

Look, I do it first.

Whoa. Would you look at this place?

Sink full of dirty dishes. Trash not taken out.

Living room a mess.

Stacks of old newspapers...

from 20 years ago!

Man: Get ready, gamblers

for the World Series of Dog Racing.

( yowling)

What the..?

A disheveled and malnourished man

found sleeping in his own filth.

Seems confused and dehydrated.

Where's the baby?

That's her, ain't it?

Kids love that water.

Oh, my Lord!

Stupid babies need the most attention.

( woman speaking softly): All is well.

All is well...

( man speaking loudly): Turn tape over.

( tape rewinding)

( woman speaking softly ): All is well. All is well.

( both sighing)

Children, where are your parents?

I don't know.

They should be here.

Yes, they should... be here.

Tsk, tsk.

Those parents better have a good excuse.

I love getting away from this dump.

It's like I'm on some wonderful drug.

( clearing throat)

What's going on here?

Child Welfare, ma'am.

Here's a little bedtime reading.

Hmm?

"Squalid hell hole?

"Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion.

Dogs mating on dining room table?"

( whimpers)

What are you doing with my children?

We're taking them where you can't get them.

What?! No, you can't!

I won't let you!

Mrs. Simpson, restrain yourself

or you'll be arrested.

Now just relax, kids.

All we're doing is taking you to...

( with sinister tone): a Foster Home!

Yay! Heydilly-ho.

Welcome to your new home, neglect-areenos.

Kids, meet

your new foster family.

We love you!

Uh, please don't hug me.

It sickens me.

I don't judge Homer and Marge.

That's for a vengeful God to do.

All we want to do is give you kids a good home until they get their act together.

You don't understand.

Mom and Dad take good care of us.

That was a baby tooth.

It was loose!

Don't you worry, little girl.

We'll get you some nice county dentures.

"Parents are not to communicate with children

and must stay at least 100 feet away at all times."

We leave you the kids for three hours

and the county takes them away?!

Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.

I can't believe I put my own pleasure

ahead of my home and family.

That is so like me.

Oh, Marge, don't blame yourself.

I'm the terrible parent.

The boy bugs the hell out of me

I can't help Lisa with her homework...

The only thing I'm fit to take care of is a houseplant.

Lousy houseplant!

Oh, son of a... I'll teach you to...

( sputtering)

Go with it!

Here you go, Todd-- the City Edition.

Bart, I don't know if this should be an extra.

Is your source on this reliable?

Oh, I hate this place.

Yeah, it seems like our house

but everything's got a creepy Pat Boone-ish quality to it.

Hey, kids-- nachos, Flanders-style!

That's cucumbers with cottage cheese.

( spitting)

Oh, Bart, I know you're still getting adjusted here.

Tell you what--

we'll do whatever you want to do.

Watch Itchy and Scratchy!

Well, I guess a little television won't hurt.

I used to let the boys watch My Three Sons

but it got them all worked up before bedtime.

( blowing)

( doorbell rings)

Ah...

( screaming)

( evil laughter)

Why? Why?

Oh... my only son.

Daddy, what's the red stuff

coming out of kitty's ears?

Uh... that's just raspberry jam.

Dad, should I poke around with a sharp thing

like the mouse did?

No, son. No sirree, Bob.

Can you see them?

I can see Lisa...

but it might be a starfish.

I got to call them.

( recorded voice): The number you have dialed can no longer be reached

from this phone, you negligent monster.

Oh... That's it.

We're going downtown to get our kids back. Right now!

We've always tried to be good parents.

Please. I'm begging you one mother to another.

You must have a family.

No. I don't care for children.

Now, wait a minute!

Okay. I'm not going to win Father of the Year.

In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world

who should have kids...

well... wait...

Can I start again?

Fathering children is the best part of my day.

I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.

And, Margaret?

Who? Lady, you got the wrong file.

It's Maggie.

Oh, Maggie. I got nothing against Maggie.

I can see you sincerely want your children back

but you have a lot to learn about being parents.

Before I can return your children

you'll have to complete a course called "Family Skills."

It teaches parents to listen to--

- Communication. Gotcha. - But it's important to-

- Listen, yes I know... - But there's more to it...

I have listening skills.

Mr. Simpson would you please--

Shut up, Judge!

Peek-a-boo. I see you.

( giggles)

Peek-a-boo. I see you.

I never heard Maggie laugh like that before.

Well, when was the last time

Dad gave her that kind of attention?

When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her.

I thought I could ride this thing out

but everything's just too weird here.

I know... They put honey on pancakes instead of maple syrup.

And they read Newsweek instead of nothing.

C'mon you Gloomy-Gus's.. Who's up for a big bowl of non-fat ice milk?

I want wintergreen.

Unflavored for me.

And then I saw my boy

in a burlap sack

and they told me he had lice.

This story going somewhere?

Easy there, Flub.

We're all going to get a chance.

Mrs. Skinner, why are you here?

The county is threatening

to take my Seymour away.

We had another fight over the inflatable bath pillow.

I kept screeching and screeching at him but...

Alright. Very good. Now who knows how the Skinners

could have resolved this problem?

Without resorting to violence...

or childish name-calling.

Anybody?

Okay, that's okay.

Because making a happy home

isn't like flipping on a light switch.

A light switch?

There are a lot of little tricks to it.

Things you should have learned a long time ago.

Such as: if you leave milk out, it can go sour.

Put it in the refrigerator

or failing that, a cool wet sack.

And put your garbage in a garbage can, people.

I can't stress that enough.

Don't just throw it out the window.

This is so humiliating.

"Garbage in garbage can."

Hmm, makes sense.

Nighty night, my sweet little foundling-a-dings.

But it's only 7:00.

Yeah, the sun is still out.

( both sighing)

♪ They say your folks can't pay the rent ♪

♪ So we're watching you by act of government ♪

♪ Well, I don't know if the allegations are true ♪

♪ But you got us, and baby, we got you ♪

( together ): ♪ Babe, we got you, babe. ♪

You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us.

I think she's beginning to forget Mom and Dad.

Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear

on cold days?

Or the way Dad used to call the radio station

with fake traffic tips?

( both sighing)

They're ten feet away

and we can't even talk to them.

I wish I could tell them how much I miss them.

It's so quiet here without the kids.

What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play

another one of her jazzy tunes.

Saxa-ma-phone.

Saxa-ma-phone.

I miss the way Bart would say something

and then say "dude."

I wish I knew something about the baby

I could miss now.

You mean Maggie? That's it.

We've never been separated from the kids for so long.

I don't know how much more I can take.

( doorbell ringing)

That's Bart's ring! That's Bart's ring!

"Todd smells."

Aw, I already knew that.

Look at the other side.

( both sighing)

Okay let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate

a typical household problem. Go.

Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again.

Why you cotton-pickin'..!

( growling)

( gagging)

No, I got to pass this class for my kids.

Son, let's stop the fussin' and a-feudin'.

I love you, Pa.

I love you, Cletus.

( laughing and crying)

( gunshots)

Well, children, it's Saturday night

so what say we let our hair down and play Bombardment...

Yay! Yay!

... of Bible Questions?

Yay! Yay!

Which version shall it be?

St. James.

The Vulgate of St. Jerome.

Vulgate it is.

- Oh... - Okay, for one gold star

what Persian king exempted

the Levites from taxation?

- Ataxerxes. - Righty-o!

( cough)

Well?

I know!

No, son, we got to let Bart and Lisa get one.

Come on, this one's easy.

We give up.

Well, guess.

Book of Revelations... Fire-breathing lion's head.

Tail made out of snakes.

Who else is it going to be?

Jesus?

Je... Jes...

Don't you kids know anything?

The Serpent of Rehaboam?

The Well of Zohassadar?

The Bridal Feast of Beth Chadruharazzeb?

That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism.

Um, actually, you see...

We were never baptized.

( moaning)

Oh, Neddie! Neddie!

Neddie!

No, that ain't going to do it.

( moaning)

I'm very proud of you people. You've learned how to care for your children,

how to maintain your homes

and you've all passed the drug test.

Except for Marge.

Marge, you tested positive for crack and P.C.P.

Oh, my!

Okay, the re-test says you're clean.

Sorry about the mistake.

The only thing I'm high on is love.