Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)

Season 7 / Episode 1

0:11 - 0:13

( bell ringing)

0:16 - 0:17

D-OHH!

0:17 - 0:19

( screams)

0:40 - 0:42

( moaning)

0:42 - 0:44

UGH. MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE AN ASHTRAY.

0:44 - 0:46

( burps)

0:46 - 0:48

( water running)

0:49 - 0:51

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DEE. ♪

0:51 - 0:53

SMITHERS, WAIT YOUR TURN.

0:53 - 0:55

THERE'S PLENTY OF HOT WATER FOR ALL.

0:55 - 0:57

SIR! YOU WEREN'T SHOT.

0:57 - 0:59

( sighs)

0:59 - 1:01

IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

1:01 - 1:02

THAT'S RIGHT.

1:02 - 1:04

THE YEAR IS 1965, AND YOU AND I ARE

1:04 - 1:06

UNDERCOVER DETECTIVES ON THE HOT ROD CIRCUIT.

1:06 - 1:09

NOW LET'S BURN RUBBER, BABY.

1:09 - 1:11

( engines roaring)

1:15 - 1:17

( gunfire)

1:17 - 1:18

WAIT!

1:18 - 1:20

THAT WAS ALL A DREAM.

1:20 - 1:21

AH...

1:21 - 1:26

HEY, THEN MAYBE I HAVEN'T BECOME A HIDEOUS, DRUNKEN WRECK.

1:26 - 1:28

OH...

1:28 - 1:30

DOZENS OF PEOPLE ARE GUNNED DOWN EACH DAY IN SPRINGFIELD

1:30 - 1:33

BUT UNTIL NOW, NONE OF THEM WAS IMPORTANT.

1:33 - 1:35

I'M KENT BROCKMAN. AT 3:00 P.M., FRIDAY

1:35 - 1:37

LOCAL AUTOCRAT C. MONTGOMERY BURNS WAS SHOT

1:37 - 1:40

FOLLOWING A TENSE CONFRONTATION AT TOWN HALL.

1:40 - 1:43

BURNS WAS RUSHED TO A NEARBY HOSPITAL, WHERE HE WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD.

1:43 - 1:45

HE WAS THEN TRANSFERRED TO A BETTER HOSPITAL

1:45 - 1:48

WHERE DOCTORS UPGRADED HIS CONDITION TO "ALIVE."

1:48 - 1:50

NOW LET'S TALK TO POLICE CHIEF WIGGUM.

1:50 - 1:52

OH, HIYA, KENT.

1:52 - 1:54

RIGHT NOW, WE ARE QUESTIONING

1:54 - 1:57

TWO WITNESSES WHO WERE IN THE VICINITY

1:57 - 1:58

AT THE TIME.

1:58 - 1:60

DID YOU SEE THIS GUY?

1:60 - 2:01

WAS HE ANYWHERE NEAR THE PARKING LOT

2:01 - 2:02

WHEN BURNS GOT SHOT?

2:04 - 2:06

NO, IT'S NO USE.

2:06 - 2:07

THEY AIN'T TALKING.

2:07 - 2:10

EVERYONE IN SPRINGFIELD HAD A REASON TO SHOOT MR. BURNS

2:10 - 2:11

EVEN US.

2:11 - 2:12

( all moaning)

2:12 - 2:14

BART, HE BROKE YOUR DOG'S LEGS.

2:14 - 2:16

GRANDPA, HE DESTROYED YOUR HOME.

2:16 - 2:19

DAD, YOU KINDA WENT BERSERK WHEN HE COULDN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

2:19 - 2:21

BERSERK IS RIGHT!

2:21 - 2:23

MAY I HAVE SOME ICED TEA, PLEASE?

2:23 - 2:25

AREN'T WE FORGETTING SOMEONE--

2:25 - 2:26

SISTER SUSPECT?

2:26 - 2:27

( nervous laugh)

2:27 - 2:29

I WAS JUST GETTING TO ME.

2:29 - 2:32

BECAUSE OF MR. BURNS, THEY CANCELED MY JAZZ PROGRAM

2:32 - 2:34

AND MY FRIEND TITO PUENTE GOT FIRED...

2:34 - 2:36

BUT I COULD NEVER SHOOT SOMEONE.

2:36 - 2:37

COULD SO. COULD NOT.

2:37 - 2:38

COULD NOT. COULD SO.

2:38 - 2:39

Homer: KIDS, KIDS!

2:39 - 2:41

AS FAR AS DADDY'S CONCERNED

2:41 - 2:43

YOU'RE BOTH POTENTIAL MURDERERS.

2:43 - 2:45

THE POLICE HAVE A SUSPECT.

2:45 - 2:46

IT'S MR. SMITHERS.

2:46 - 2:48

SURE! HE'S A GOOD SUSPECT.

2:48 - 2:49

I BET HE'S THE ONE.

2:49 - 2:51

YEAH! SMINGERS DID IT.

2:51 - 2:52

CASE CLOSED.

2:52 - 2:53

NOW WHERE'S MY HAT?

2:53 - 2:55

I'M GOING TO THE OUTHOUSE.

2:55 - 2:57

WE DON'T HAVE AN OUTHOUSE.

2:57 - 2:58

MY TOOLSHED!

2:58 - 2:59

OH, DAD?

2:59 - 3:00

( moaning)

3:00 - 3:03

COULD I HAVE SHOT MR. BURNS IN A DRUNKEN RAGE?

3:03 - 3:04

NO, NO, NOT ME!

3:04 - 3:06

I KNOW IN MY HEART I...

3:06 - 3:07

A GUN...

3:07 - 3:09

AND IT'S BEEN RECENTLY FIRED.

3:09 - 3:12

WAIT. I REMEMBER LEAVING THE TOWN MEETING.

3:15 - 3:18

I MUST HAVE RUN INTO MR. BURNS OUTSIDE AND...

3:18 - 3:19

( muttering)

3:19 - 3:21

( gunfire)

3:21 - 3:23

MR. BURNS!

3:23 - 3:24

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

3:24 - 3:27

( sobbing)

3:34 - 3:36

HEY, HOMER-- US HOTHEADS HERE

3:36 - 3:39

IS GOING TO GO TEAR DOWN BURNS'S SUNBLOCKING MACHINE.

3:39 - 3:41

YOU WANT TO COME WITH?

3:41 - 3:42

SURE.

3:42 - 3:45

I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THESE DAMN RICKETS.

3:55 - 3:57

PULL, DUCHESS, PULL!

4:05 - 4:07

UM... UH, WHAT TOWN DID WE JUST CRUSH?

4:07 - 4:08

SHELBYVILLE.

4:08 - 4:10

( all cheering)

4:10 - 4:11

OH...

4:11 - 4:14

THIS GUILT IS DRIVING ME MAD.

4:14 - 4:16

I'VE GOT TO TELL SOMEONE.

4:19 - 4:21

FATHER, I'M NOT A CATHOLIC BUT...

4:21 - 4:24

WELL, I TRIED TO MARCH IN THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE.

4:24 - 4:29

ANYWAY, I'VE GOT A RATHER LARGE SIN TO CONFESS.

4:29 - 4:33

I'M THE ONE WHO...

4:33 - 4:35

WHO SHOT MR. BURNS.

4:35 - 4:38

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.

4:38 - 4:40

BOY, THIS THING WORKS GREAT.

4:40 - 4:42

THE MAN BECAME CONSUMED BY GREED.

4:42 - 4:43

HE'D STEAL FROM ANYONE.

4:43 - 4:46

THIS ISN'T A RIVAL COMPANY-- IT'S A SCHOOL.

4:46 - 4:47

PEOPLE WON'T STAND FOR IT.

4:47 - 4:49

PISH-POSH.

4:49 - 4:51

IT WILL BE LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.

4:51 - 4:53

SAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LARF.

4:54 - 4:57

AND WHEN HE TRIED TO STEAL OUR SUNLIGHT

4:57 - 4:60

HE CROSSED THAT LINE BETWEEN EVERYDAY VILLAINY

4:60 - 5:02

AND CARTOONISH SUPER-VILLAINY.

5:02 - 5:03

BAH!

5:03 - 5:09

HE WAS A RANK AMATEUR COMPARED TO DR. COLOSSOS.

5:09 - 5:10

( evil laughter)

5:10 - 5:12

OH... OW!

5:12 - 5:13

( groaning)

5:13 - 5:15

WHEN IS MY LAWYER COMING?

5:16 - 5:17

( clamoring)

5:17 - 5:19

DAVE SHUTTON--

5:19 - 5:20

SPRINGFIELD DAILY SHOPPER.

5:20 - 5:21

WHO ARE YOU?

5:21 - 5:22

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

5:22 - 5:24

DO YOUR RESEARCH, SHUTTON.

5:24 - 5:26

KENT BROCKMAN, CHANNEL SIX NEWS.

5:26 - 5:28

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ACCUSED

5:28 - 5:30

OF THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF YOUR BOSS AND MENTOR?

5:30 - 5:32

KENT, I FEEL ABOUT AS LOW AS MADONNA

5:32 - 5:35

WHEN SHE FOUND OUT SHE MISSED TAILHOOK.

5:35 - 5:37

I'M GOING TO SAY, "OUCH!" FOR MADONNA.

5:37 - 5:39

HEY, THAT'S MY MADONNA GAG.

5:39 - 5:41

THAT GUY STOLE MY GAG.

5:41 - 5:42

AND YOU STOLE IT

5:42 - 5:43

FROM LAST FRIDAY'S EPISODE

5:43 - 5:44

OF PARDON MY ZINGER.

5:44 - 5:48

STOLE, MADE UP-- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

5:48 - 5:51

MR. SMITHERS MUST HAVE SEEN THAT PROGRAM TOO.

5:51 - 5:52

HE NEVER MISSES IT.

5:52 - 5:55

AT THE TOWN MEETING, HE MENTIONED

5:55 - 5:57

THAT HE WATCHED COMEDY CENTRAL.

5:57 - 6:01

I MADE SURE TO NOTE THAT, AS IT SEEMED QUITE UNUSUAL.

6:01 - 6:02

YE GODS!

6:02 - 6:04

TO THE POLICE STATION, KRUSTY.

6:04 - 6:05

I AM MELVIN VAN HORN

6:05 - 6:08

AND THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE, HERSHEL KRUSTOFSKY.

6:08 - 6:10

HEY, HEY.

6:10 - 6:13

OFFICERS, YOU HAVE ARRESTED AN INNOCENT MAN.

6:13 - 6:14

REALLY? OH, GEEZ.

6:14 - 6:16

ALRIGHT COLOSSOS, YOU'RE FREE TO GO,

6:16 - 6:18

BUT STAY AWAY FROM DEATH MOUNTAIN.

6:18 - 6:20

BUT ALL MY STUFF IS THERE.

6:20 - 6:21

( clearing throat)

6:21 - 6:24

I WAS REFERRING TO WAYLAND SMITHERS.

6:24 - 6:27

MR. BURNS WAS SHOT FRIDAY AT 3:00 P.M.

6:27 - 6:29

THE VERY TIME THAT SMITHERS WAS AT HOME

6:29 - 6:31

WATCHING PARDON MY ZINGER.

6:31 - 6:33

SO YOU SEE, HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

6:33 - 6:34

YES...

6:34 - 6:36

YOU'RE RIGHT. I REMEMBER NOW.

6:36 - 6:39

I-I WATCHED THAT ENTIRE SHOW.

6:39 - 6:42

I LEFT THE TOWN MEETING EARLY, SO I COULD GET HOME IN TIME.

6:42 - 6:47

( slurred): I GOT TO RUN OR I'LL MISS THE OPENING RANK-OUT.

6:47 - 6:49

...GET OUT OF MY WAY, PLEASE.

6:49 - 6:52

SLOW DOWN. THE SIDEWALK'S FOR REGULAR WALKING

6:52 - 6:53

NOT FOR FANCY WALKING.

6:53 - 6:55

OH, GET OUT OF MY WAY.

6:55 - 6:56

I'M IN A HURRY.

6:56 - 6:58

YOU SIMMER DOWN, I'LL LET YOU GO.

6:58 - 6:59

( gunfire)

6:59 - 7:02

SO, INSTEAD OF WOUNDING AN EVIL OLD MAN

7:02 - 7:05

I MAY HAVE KILLED AN INNOCENT OLD MAN.

7:05 - 7:08

THAT'S MUCH WORSE.

7:08 - 7:11

ABOUT 50,000 VOLTS WORSE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

7:11 - 7:12

( grunting)

7:12 - 7:13

SIZZLE!

7:13 - 7:17

WAIT A MINUTE. IF A SECOND OLD GEEZER GOT SHOT

7:17 - 7:19

HOW COME NOBODY REPORTED IT?

7:22 - 7:23

UH, HI.

7:23 - 7:26

UM, COULD WE TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR LEG?

7:27 - 7:30

YEAH, THAT'S REAL SPRUCE.

7:30 - 7:31

YOU LIKE IT?

7:31 - 7:33

WHEW, THANK GOD.

7:33 - 7:36

SIR, I ONLY HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME

7:36 - 7:38

FOR SHOOTING YOUR WOODEN LEG.

7:38 - 7:40

YOU SHOT WHO IN THE WHAT, NOW?

7:40 - 7:42

OKAY, SMITHERS, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

7:42 - 7:44

AND YOU, ONE QUESTION--

7:44 - 7:46

DO YOU KNOW WHO SHOT MR. BURNS?

7:46 - 7:48

'CAUSE WE ARE REALLY UP THE CREEK ON THIS ONE.

7:52 - 7:53

AND WITH THE PRIME SUSPECT CLEARED

7:53 - 7:56

AND FOUND COMPLETELY INNOCENT, WE MUST NOW ASK OURSELVES

7:56 - 7:58

WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE AS BLOODTHIRSTY

7:58 - 7:59

AS WAYLAND SMITHERS?

7:59 - 8:02

I GUESS IT'S NEVER THE MOST LIKELY SUSPECT.

8:02 - 8:05

ACTUALLY, MOM, IN 95% OF CASES IT IS.

8:05 - 8:07

THE REST OF THE TIME, IT'S USUALLY SOME DERANGED LUNATIC

8:07 - 8:09

WHO DID IT FOR NO REASON.

8:09 - 8:11

HEY, I HAD A DAMN GOOD REASON.

8:11 - 8:14

HE COULD NEVER REMEMBER MY NAME.

8:14 - 8:16

WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

8:16 - 8:17

( grunting)

8:17 - 8:18

( screaming)

8:18 - 8:20

HOMER SIMPSON!

8:20 - 8:22

MY NAME IS HOMER SIMPSON!

8:22 - 8:24

I DON'T THINK ANYONE IN THIS FAMILY

8:24 - 8:26

IS CAPABLE OF ATTEMPTED MURDER.

8:26 - 8:30

EH, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF.

8:30 - 8:33

I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD SHOOT DOWN A GERMAN PLANE

8:33 - 8:36

BUT LAST YEAR I PROVED MYSELF WRONG.

8:36 - 8:39

NANCY DREW SAYS ALL YOU NEED TO SOLVE A MYSTERY

8:39 - 8:42

IS AN INQUISITIVE TEMPERAMENT AND TWO GOOD FRIENDS.

8:42 - 8:42

I'VE GOT AN INQUISITIVE TEMPERAMENT.

8:42 - 8:44

MAYBE I COULD HELP SOLVE THIS.

8:44 - 8:45

( groans)

8:45 - 8:47

I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE YOUNG

8:47 - 8:49

TO BE INVESTIGATING AN ATTEMPTED MURDER.

8:49 - 8:51

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY

8:51 - 8:53

OF WHO PUT THAT MUD IN THE FREEZER?

8:53 - 8:56

WHO WANTS CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM?

8:56 - 8:57

ME, ME, ME, ME!

8:58 - 9:01

OKAY, BOYS, WE'VE GOT A CLUE.

9:01 - 9:04

THE BULLET THEY TOOK OUT OF BURNS.

9:04 - 9:08

NOW, LET'S DISCUSS THE UH... MO-TIVE.

9:08 - 9:11

Lisa: MR. BURNS IS THE RICHEST MAN IN TOWN.

9:11 - 9:12

MAYBE IT'S ABOUT MONEY.

9:12 - 9:13

GOOD THINKING, LOU.

9:13 - 9:15

THANKS, CHIEF.

9:15 - 9:15

HEY, I SAID THAT!

9:15 - 9:17

MY NAME IS LISA SIMPSON,

9:17 - 9:20

AND I MADE A CHART OF ALL THE SUSPECTS IN THE BURNS CASE.

9:20 - 9:23

LOOK. MR. BURNS HURT ALL THESE PEOPLE FINANCIALLY.

9:23 - 9:25

NIGHTCLUB OWNER MOE SZYSLAK--

9:25 - 9:28

HIS BAR WAS CLOSED BECAUSE OF BURNS'S NEGLIGENCE.

9:28 - 9:30

LIQUOR CONNOISSEUR BARNEY GUMBLE-- WHEN MOE'S CLOSED

9:30 - 9:32

BARNEY LOST HIS ONLY MEANS OF SUPPORT--

9:32 - 9:35

SUCKING COINS OUT OF THE LOVE TESTER MACHINE.

9:35 - 9:37

THAT'S A REAL GOOD WAY TO GET SICK.

9:37 - 9:40

DEDICATED, EDUCATOR PRINCIPAL SEYMOUR SKINNER--

9:40 - 9:43

HIS SCHOOL LOST MILLIONS WHEN BURNS PIRATED ITS OIL WELL.

9:43 - 9:45

AND GROUNDS TENDER GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY--

9:45 - 9:48

HE LOST HIS JOB AND HIS DREAM OF OWNING

9:48 - 9:49

A CRYSTAL SLOP BUCKET.

9:49 - 9:51

WHAT ABOUT THAT JAZZ TEACHER

9:51 - 9:52

THAT GOT LAID OFF--

9:52 - 9:54

MR. SAMBA, SEÑOR MAMBO-- WHAT WAS IT?

9:54 - 9:55

TITO PUENTE?

9:55 - 9:56

YEAH.

9:56 - 9:58

WELL, HE DID VOW REVENGE

9:58 - 9:59

BUT I CAN'T SEE HIM

9:59 - 10:01

DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL.

10:01 - 10:03

HE'S IN SHOW BUSINESS, HE'S A CELEBRITY.

10:03 - 10:05

LET'S ROLL, BOYS.

10:09 - 10:10

REVENGE? OF COURSE--

10:10 - 10:12

BUT WHY WOUND HIS BODY WITH BULLETS

10:12 - 10:15

WHEN I COULD SET HIS SOUL AFIRE WITH A SLANDEROUS MAMBO?

10:15 - 10:18

LISTEN, IF YOU WILL, TO MY REVENGE.

10:18 - 10:19

UNO, DOS, TRES...

10:19 - 10:21

( playing salsa music)

10:21 - 10:23

♪ HOLES WON'T LAST LONG ♪

10:23 - 10:25

♪ BUT AN INSULTING SONG ♪

10:25 - 10:29

♪ BURNS WILL ALWAYS CARRY WITH HIM ♪

10:29 - 10:31

♪ SO I'LL SETTLE MY SCORE ♪

10:31 - 10:34

♪ ON THE SALSA FLOOR ♪

10:34 - 10:38

♪ WITH THIS VENGEFUL LATIN RHYTHM ♪

10:38 - 10:41

♪ BURNS ♪

10:43 - 10:44

♪ CON UN CORAZON♪

10:44 - 10:46

♪ DE PERRO♪

10:46 - 10:49

♪ SEÑOR BURNS ♪

10:51 - 10:54

♪ EL DIABLO CON DINERO♪

10:55 - 10:57

♪ IT MAY NOT SURPRISE YOU ♪

10:57 - 10:60

♪ BUT ALL OF US DESPISE YOU ♪

10:60 - 11:02

♪ PLEASE DIE ♪

11:02 - 11:04

♪ AND FRY ♪

11:04 - 11:06

♪ IN HELL ♪

11:06 - 11:08

♪ YOU ROBBIN' ♪

11:08 - 11:13

♪ RICH OLD WRETCH ♪

11:14 - 11:16

♪ ADIOS VIEJO.♪

11:16 - 11:18

( clapping)

11:18 - 11:19

OLE!

11:19 - 11:20

YEAH!

11:20 - 11:22

OKAY, OKAY, I BELIEVE YOU'RE INNOCENT.

11:22 - 11:25

GEE, I HOPE ALL THE SUSPECTS ARE THIS MUCH FUN.

11:25 - 11:29

HMM...

11:29 - 11:31

OH...

11:31 - 11:33

NOW LET...

11:33 - 11:35

LET ME...

11:35 - 11:37

LET ME THINK.

11:37 - 11:38

OH.

11:38 - 11:39

NOW I DID...

11:39 - 11:41

I DID GO TO THE TOWN MEETING

11:41 - 11:44

WITH THE INTENTION OF AMBUSHING MR. BURNS.

11:44 - 11:48

WHEN IT ADJOURNED, I RUSHED TO THE LAVATORY TO APPLY

11:48 - 11:50

MY CAMOUFLAGE MAKEUP.

11:50 - 11:53

BLAST! I TOOK MOTHER'S MAKEUP KIT BY MISTAKE.

11:53 - 11:54

OH, EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

11:54 - 11:56

SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS!

11:56 - 11:58

OH, MY GOD!

11:58 - 11:60

( distant gunshot)

11:60 - 12:03

SO CHALMERS CAN VOUCH FOR YOUR WHEREABOUTS?

12:03 - 12:05

OH YES, BUT ANYTHING ELSE HE SAYS IS A FILTHY LIE.

12:05 - 12:09

I'M TELLING YE, I COULD NAY HAVE SHOT BURNS.

12:10 - 12:12

( groans)

12:12 - 12:14

THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING ABOUT THAT.

12:14 - 12:17

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO FIRE A PISTOL.

12:17 - 12:19

IF YOU'LL CHECK MY MEDICAL RECORDS

12:19 - 12:22

YOU'LL SEE I HAVE A CRIPPLING ARTHRITIS

12:22 - 12:23

IN ME INDEX FINGERS.

12:23 - 12:25

LOOK AT THEM.

12:25 - 12:28

I GOT IT FROM SPACE INVADERS IN 1977.

12:28 - 12:31

YEAH, THAT WAS A PRETTY ADDICTIVE VIDEO GAME.

12:31 - 12:32

VIDEO GAME?

12:32 - 12:34

DO YOU HOLD A GRUDGE AGAINST BURNS?

12:34 - 12:35

- NO. - ( buzzes)

12:35 - 12:36

ALRIGHT, MAYBE I DID

12:36 - 12:37

BUT I DIDN'T SHOOT HIM.

12:37 - 12:38

( dings)

12:38 - 12:40

CHECKS OUT. OKAY SIR, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

12:40 - 12:41

GOOD, CAUSE I GOT A HOT DATE TONIGHT.

12:41 - 12:42

( buzzes)

12:42 - 12:43

A DATE. ( buzzes)

12:43 - 12:44

( buzzes) DINNER WITH A FRIEND.

12:44 - 12:46

DINNER ALONE. ( buzzes)

12:46 - 12:47

WATCHING TV ALONE.

12:47 - 12:48

ALL RIGHT!

12:48 - 12:50

I'M GONNA SIT AT HOME AND OGLE THE LADIES

12:50 - 12:51

IN THE VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG.

12:51 - 12:53

( buzzes)