( bell ringing)

D-OHH!

( screams)

WELCOME TO THE 6:00 NEWS IN OUR BRAND-NEW STUDIO.

LOOKING GOOD, SPRINGFIELD.

( crowd shouting)

IN TODAY'S NEWS, A TWO-TON RHINO ESCAPED FROM THE SPRINGFIELD ZOO

BUT ZOO OFFICIALS WERE QUICK TO ACT

AND PETUNIA, AS SHE IS KNOWN, IS SAFELY BACK IN CAPTIVITY.

IN OTHER NEWS, A THREE-TON RHINO

THAT ESCAPED FROM THE ZOO LAST WEEK

IS STILL AT LARGE.

Marge: WHO BROKE MY VASE?

Lisa: WHO TOOK MY TEST PAPERS

OFF THE REFRIGERATOR AND TORE THEM UP?

WHO SPREAD GARBAGE OVER FLANDERS' YARD

BEFORE I GOT A CHANCE TO?

OH, PLEASE. THIS IS SENSELESS DESTRUCTION

WITH NONE OF MY USUAL SOCIAL COMMENTARY.

( growls)

IF IT WASN'T YOU, THEN WHO WAS IT?

( growls)

WELL, I'M SURE THESE THINGS DIDN'T DESTROY THEMSELVES

NOW, DID THEY?

DID THEY?!

( growls)

HMM. I GUESS

BART'S NOT TO BLAME.

HE'S LUCKY TOO, BECAUSE IT'S SPANKING SEASON

AND I GOT A HANKERING FOR SOME SPANKERING.

( barks)

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO ENERGETIC TODAY, BOY

BUT PREPARE TO BE WORN OUT.

( barks)

WHAT'S WRONG, BOY?

GETTING TIRED?

( laughing) (laughing)

( panting playfully)

( barking)

I THINK THERE'S REALLY SOMETHING WRONG

WITH SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER.

HE WAS UP BARKING ALL NIGHT

AND DUG UP THE BACK YARD

WORSE THAN EVER.

Lisa: MY BONGO DRUMS!

Bart: MY STROBE LIGHT!

Homer: MY BEST OF RAY STEVENS FEATURING "THE STREAK" ALBUM.

SO IT WAS THE DOG THAT BURIED OUR STUFF.

YES. THE DOG.

Homer: OH, MY GOD!

HE'S GOT THE PRECIOUS

CABLE TV CABLE!

Always use fresh macaroni.

If the box rattles, throw it away.

Chief Wiggum: AW.

Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties.

Please do not panic.

Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.

Do not attempt sexual relations

as years of TV radiation

have left your genitals withered and useless.

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

EXCUSE ME. WE'RE HAVING A PROBLEM WITH OUR DOG.

LADY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M TELLING EVERYONE ELSE:

I'M SORRY IF YOUR DOG WENT BLIND

BUT YOUR GRIPE IS WITH HARTZ MOUNTAIN, NOT ME.

NO! OUR DOG IS OUT OF CONTROL.

HE'S WILD, DESTRUCTIVE

AND HAS LITTLE OR NO RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY.

HMM. LET ME TRY A CANINE-HUMAN MIND MELD.

IT'S AN INCREDIBLY RARE PSYCHIC POWER

POSSESSED ONLY BY ME

AND THREE OTHER CLERKS AT THIS STORE.

OKAY.

( barks)

( moans)

I'M BORED.

I'M RESTLESS.

NEED CHANGE IN LIFE.

( barks)

LIKE IMPORTED LEATHER LEASH...

( barks)

BLUE CONTACT LENSES...

( barks)

200-VOLT SHOCK TRAINING COLLAR.

WELL, PROBLEM SOLVED.

HOMER, HOLD ON TO THE WHEEL!

YOU'VE GOT IT.

HEY!

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL CATCH HIM OR RUN HIM OVER TRYING.

LOOK, HE'S HEADED BACK TO THE GREYHOUND RACING TRACK

WHERE WE FOUND HIM.

DON'T WORRY, AS SOON AS THEY FIND OUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY MONEY

THEY'LL THROW HIM OUT. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

THIS PLACE IS SO BIG.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD SPLIT UP

AND LOOK FOR HIM, HOMEY?

HOMEY?

TWO BUCKS TO WIN ON NUMBER EIGHT.

( sobbing): AND HAVE YOU SEEN MY BELOVED DOG?

GIVE ME THE TICKET.

WE CAN'T LOSE!

LOOK AT THE NAME

OF THE DOG I BET ON.

"SHE'S THE FASTEST."

HOMER, I DON'T THINK THAT MEANS NECESSARILY...

She's The Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU GOT LOOKS.

As they round the far turn, it's She's The Fastest

followed by Always Comes In Second and I'm Number Three.

YES! COME ON, YOU LITTLE HORSE.

They're in the home stretch.

It's... Wait! Another dog is on the track!

IT'S SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER!

The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside.

Of course, he could never win this race--

or could he?

WHAT'S SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER DOING TO THAT DOG?

UH-OH.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO JUMP OVER HER

BUT HE CAN'T QUITE MAKE IT.

C'MON BOY, YOU CAN DO IT!

This is the end-- This is the end of dog racing.

BOO! BOO! BOO!

I THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE.

AW! AW! AW!

Homer: AW! SO THAT'S

WHAT'S BEEN WRONG WITH THE LITTLE FELLA.

HE MISSES CASUAL SEX.

CAN WE KEEP SANTA'S GIRLFRIEND, MOM?

PLEASE?

BUT SHE'S NOT OUR DOG.

SHE'S YOURS NOW.

ONCE THEY FALL IN LOVE, THEY LOSE THEIR RACING SPIRIT.

WON'T YOU MISS HER LOYALTY AND COMPANIONSHIP?

( guffawing)

LADY, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, YOU CAN GO OUT AND PLAY

BUT NO MORE YOU-KNOW-WHAT IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE, ALL RIGHT?

HEY! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

( laughing)

TAKE IT. IT FELL

ON THE FLOOR.

( growling and snarling)

HEY, BOY, YOU WANT TO PLAY FETCH?

OH! ME AND SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER USED TO BE A TEAM

BUT HE NEVER WANTS TO PLAY ANYMORE

SINCE HIS BITCH MOVED IN.

BART, DON'T EVER SAY THAT WORD AGAIN!

WELL, THAT'S WHAT SHE IS! I LOOKED IT UP.

I'M GOING TO WRITE THE DICTIONARY PEOPLE

AND HAVE THAT CHECKED.