( bell ringing)

( whistle blows )

( blues playing)

( horn honks )

D-ohh!

( screams)

( big band music plays )

( carnival music plays )

( elephants trumpet )

Hey, Moe, you got change for a five?

Yeah sure thing, Lenny.

Ah! Ow! Ooh!

A snake in the cash register!

( all laughing)

Great prank, fellas. Great.

Oh, I'm going to be sick tonight.

Hey, Moe, you want to smell my flower?

Do I!

Oh, I'm burnin' up here!

Oh, that's hot.

Taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes.

Oh, it's funny-- and it makes you think.

I need some coffee before I black out.

Homer, pass me the sugar.

This is gonna be great!

( all groaning)

Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now.

That's not funny, Homer.

Yeah. We were just messin' around

and you had to go too far!

How many people want Homer banned from this place for life?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Aw, come on, everybody.

This bar is like a tavern to me.

Sorry Homer, you should have thought of that

before you gave me the old "sugar me do."

I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore

and I'm pulling

your favorite song out of the jukebox.

"It's Raining Men"?!

Not no more, it ain't.

Ow.

Ooh!

( yelling)

( chuckles ) Joke's on them.

I'm still alive.

Cheer up, Homer.

Can't.

Okay.

What if you pretended this couch were a bar?

Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?

I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

Look on the bright side, Dad.

Did you know that the Chinese use the same word

for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?

Yes! "cristitunity!"

You're right!

I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years.

That's it!

I'm going to find a new bar to drink in

and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life!

Bart, where's my wallet?

Right here, Dad.

Thank you!

Wow. Classy.

Good evening, sir.

Would you please leave without a fuss right now?

Okay.

Hmm... this looks like a nice, friendly place.

Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins

on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane

without Rebecca knowing.

Okay Carla, I'll make you a bet.

If this affects my major league comeback

I'll sell the bar.

Woody, give me a beer.

I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson.

My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.

Just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick!

I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!

Woah, settle down Normy.

Gotta save those pipes for karaoke.

( shrieks)

I love you guys.

( sobbing)

( piano plays )

Wait a minute.

There's something bothering me about this place.

I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit!

Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies.

What was her problem?

( English accent): Greetings, good men.

Might I trouble you for a drink?

Oh get out of here, Homer.

Homer? Who is Homer?

My name is Guy Incognito.

( crashing)

Ah!

( gasps)

Oh, my God.

This man is my exact double!

( gasps)

That dog has a puffy tail!

( giggling)

Here, puff! Here, puff!

( giggling)

The last bar in Springfield.

If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.

Yay!

Shut up, liver!

Ow... my liver hurts.

I'd like a beer, please.

Sorry. You got to be a pilot to drink in here.

But I am a pilot.

Where's your uniform?

Um... I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.

Well, you talk the talk.

Here's a loaner.

We need a pilot, pronto.

Who wants to fly to the windy city?

I'll go. I'm your man. Me!

Conditions are a little windy.

Never mind.

Some other time.

You.

But I...

Hey, you're not just impersonating a pilot

so you can drink here, are you?

Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.

( laughs )

You fly boys, you crack me up.

But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!

And I keep telling you, you fly boys crack me up!

Hi. I'm Alan. I'm your copilot.

Uh, yeah. Uh... hmm.

As a change of pace,

I'm gonna let you do most of the work.

I think you're ready for it, Alan.

And, um, I'll just get us started...

Uh, we'll need that to land.

If word gets out about this,

Quasi-Clown Airlines will be a laughingstock.

In exchange for your silence,

I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets

to anywhere in the United States...

excluding Alaska and Hawaii, the freak states.

Woo-hoo!

Good news, everybody!

Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!

Alaska! Hawaii!

Mmm... I don't know, Homer.

We're right in the middle of the busy housekeeping season.

But Marge, you deserve a vacation.

It's a chance for you to clean up after us in a whole other state!

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like that

seems like a hassle coupled with a burden.

Come on Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town.

I want to explore the world.

I want to watch TV in a different time zone.

I want to visit strange, exotic malls.

I'm sick of eating hoagies.

I want a grinder... a sub... a foot-long hero!

I want to live, Marge!

Won't you let me live?!

Won't you please?!

( chomping)

So, Marge...

pretty sweet, eh?

I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer.

If someone broke into the house and did laundry,

it could start a fire.

( baby crying)

Oh, great-- I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby.

Wow! We must be really flying high!

Those people down there look all tiny and blurry

just like the inside of a cataract.

Attention, passengers.

Due to our policy of overselling flights

this flight has been oversold.

In accordance with F.A.A. rules,

the first two people to the front

will be upgraded to first class.

( all yelling)

Okay, you two.

Come on, Bart.

They're going to pamper us. ( gasps )

Not literally, of course.

I come for the service, but I stay for the leg room.

Flight crew, prepare for takeoff.

( panting)

I think I'll go get a picture of the plane taking off.

Marge, what's wrong?

Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy?

Gassy? Is it gas?

It's gas, isn't it?

Homer, I've never told you this before,

but I'm not a good flyer.

( raspy panting)

I have to get off the plane.

Let me off the plane.

I'm asking you nicely to open the doors.

Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good?

Let me off! Let me off!

Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

It's okay, Marge.

We don't need to go on a trip.

We'll just wait for the killer bees to come to us.

You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something.

Ah!

I'm sure it's nothing.

Mom, are you feeling any better?

Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

Permit me to solve the mystery.

Your mother has a fear of flying.

So much for the days when I could say 'at least my mother's normal.'

Everybody's got a fear of something.

Not everybody.

Sock puppets.

Where? Where? ( screams )

Mom, are you sure you don't want to discuss it?

Sure as sugar.

( forced laugh)

Lisa, the important thing is for your mother

to repress what happened.

Push it deep down inside her

so she'll never annoy us again.

But if we don't encourage her to vent her feelings

they can come out in other ways.

I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog.

They've been living in sin.

Mom, you've been cooking all night?

Judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one you are.

See, Dad? I told you Mom would have problems.

No, no, honey, it's all right.

Really, I'm fine. I'm all right.

Mother always said "don't complain.

Be good. Behave. Behave. Be nice. Smile. Be polite.

Don't make waves."

You heard your mother's ramblings.

She's fine, so behave.

( hammering)

Marge, it's 3:00 A.M.

Shouldn't you be baking?

In a little while.

Mom, can we talk to you?

Can't talk.

Keeping myself in a state of cat-like readiness.

Uh... neat.

Anyway Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.

No, I don't need therapy.

I'm fine, and it's too expensive.

And I don't believe in it.

It breaks up families..

turns wives against husbands, children against fathers,

neighbors against me.

You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist

ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

Hello, Radio Psychic.

You will die a terrible, terrible death.

( gasps)

Ooh, I'm sorry. That was our last caller.

Okay, I'm getting something now.

Huh...okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death.

Thank you for calling Radio Psychic.

Do you have a song request?

"It's Raining Men."

Now Marge, Dear Abby says seeing films about air travel

can calm your fears.

Ooh, here are some upbeat titles.

Man 1: No thanks to the plane, many of us are still...

group: alive.

Man 2: We certainly are.

( chomping and slurping)

Man 3: Pass me another hunk of co-pilot.

Dad, Mom's getting worse.

You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist.

Look how tense she is.

She's fine.

Oh.

Alright Lisa, you got your way.

Your mom's going to a psychiatrist.

She's going to tell Marge to leave me.

It'll break up the family

and you'll have to live with your grandmother

and pick beans.

Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma.

Well, keep it up then.

Okay, I will.

Good. You do that.

Fine.

You'll be picking many a bean.

Hope I do.

I don't believe it.

Principal Skinner!

Well, well, well.

I never thought I'd win this easy.

Ha, this has nothing to do with you, Simpson.

I have many, many issues with my beloved smother... mother.

Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down.

Okay.

( laughing)

( blubbering)

All right, how much do you charge?

If money's a problem, I charge on a sliding scale.

I can go as low as $30 an hour.

Keep sliding.

$30 will be fine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

First, what are your qualifications?

Well...

Oh, no.

I'm not here to take a reading test.

I want to see some credentials.

I'm sorry, Doctor.

He's just afraid you'll blame all my problems on him.

I'm not here to blame anyone.

Marge, therapy can be an intense process.

Uh-huh.

We're going to delve deeply into your subconscious

and we're not going to stop until we've exposed

the root of your fear of flying.

Hmm...

Don't worry. This is a private sanctuary.

Where whatever transpires will be just between us.

Whuh?

Oh that's just Murray the window washer.

He comes every day at 12:00.

But it's a few seconds before 12:00.

( crashing) ( Homer yelling, falling )

Ever since you started therapy,

all you can do is talk about yourself.

Well, what about me,Marge?

I just left my first session, and I haven't even opened

my mouth yet.

You see? You see?

"I just left my first session

and I haven't opened my mouth yet."

Marge, there's no simple explanation for your fear of flying,

but it can probably be traced to some childhood trauma.

Think back.

What's the earliest memory you have

of something bad happening?

That would have to be my first day of school.

They got this thing called a fire drill.

They use it to drill a flaming hole

in your head.

( groaning)

And there's only one big toilet

and they make you all go at the same time.

( laughing)

Marge: The kids at school were even worse.

Ew! You like The Monkees?

You know they don't write their own songs.

They do so.

They don't even play their own instruments.

No! No!

That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

( screaming)

Kids can be so cruel.

But it's true. They didn't write their own songs

or play their own instruments.

The Monkees weren't about music, Marge.

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval!

Mmm.

Did you talk about me in therapy today?

I don't think so.

Tell me the truth!

Don't tell her I raised my voice! Don't.

( mad laughter)

Happy family, happy family.

I keep having the same dream.

I am the mother from Lost in Space.

Ready for breakfast, Dr. Smith?

Being stuck on this Godforsaken planet

has vanquished what little appetite I have.

( chomping)

Warning! Warning!

Dr. Smith refuses to do his astro chores.

Why, you clattering clank of cogs and...

My dear lady, as you well know, my back is a disaster area.

Oh the pain. Oh, the pain of it all!

Danger! Danger!

My hooks are flailing wildly!

Wait!

Daddy, wait, please!

Don't leave!

Take me with you!

Marge, are you aware you just said

"Please don't leave" to your Daddy?

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

And you also infringed on any number of copyrights.

Now, let's talk about your father.

Sure, okay. I'll talk about Father-- Father Christmas.

That's what they call Santa Claus in England.

They drive on the wrong side of the road there. Now that's crazy.

People are always saying how small England is,

but you couldn't fit it all in here. Not by a long shot.

You know what? I'm cured.

Marge, get back here and tell me about your father.

What did he do for a living?

Mmm. Okay.

Okay. Okay, but you're going to make a big deal out of this.

He was a pilot.

A pilot?!

This is a big deal.

You see?

This may not be the best time to bring this up

but your last check bounced.

Wait. I'm remembering something.

Yes Marge, there's still the matter of...

I was a little girl.

Mmm. Good-bye, Margie.

Be a good girl now.

Why does Daddy have to leave?

Because he's a pilot.

He flies all over the world.

I want to see Daddy fly.

Margie!

No, come back!

Daddy? Daddy, where are you, da..?

So who wants a pre-flight cookie?

Fig Newtons? Hydrox?

Daddy?

Ah!

Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!

( crying)

My father was a stewardess.

Marge,

there's nothing to be ashamed of here.

Today, male flight attendants--

or stewards-- are common.

They are?

Yes.

Thanks to trailblazers like your father.

You might say he was a pioneer.

Yeah. You might even say he was an American hero.

Let's not go nuts.

The important thing

is that we've pinpointed the precise moment

when you developed your fear of flying.

Wait. Some other stuff's coming back to me.

Open wide.

Here comes

the airplane.

( imitating engine)

( screaming)

( screaming)

This is

what a cornfield looks like, honey.

Hmm.

( screaming)

You think those things could also have contributed

to my fear of flying?

Yes yes, it's all a rich tapestry.

Well, thank you, Doctor.

You've changed my life.

You know Marge, we've really just begun to scratch the surface.

There's still the far more serious problem of your husband.

That's okay, you don't have to make her into some kind of superwoman.

She can get on the plane. That's plenty.

Thank you, Doctor.

Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves

I'll think Lowenstein, Lowenstein.

My name is Zweig.

( whispering): Lowenstein...

Don't worry about a thing, honey.

I'm going to help you through this.

( engine whirring)

Those are all normal noises.

( clunk)

Luggage compartment closing..

cross-checking.

Just sit back and relax.

Homer: That's just the engine powering up.

That's just the engine struggling.