( bell ringing)

D-OHH!

( screams)

Man: It's Channel Six Action News.

AH, ACTION NEWS,THE LAST PLACE

AN IMPRESSIONABLE KID CAN GO FOR TV VIOLENCE.

Now, here's your action anchor

Kent Brockman.

HELLO. I'M KENT BROCKMAN.

OUR TOP STORIES TONIGHT:

A TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION IN THE PRICE OF LUMBER.

"PRESIDENT REAGAN DYES...

HIS HAIR," SAYS GARRY TRUDEAU IN HIS NEW MUSICAL COMEDY REVUE.

BUT FIRST, LET'S CHECK THE DEATH COUNT

FROM THE KILLER STORM BEARING DOWN ON US

LIKE A SHOTGUN FULL OF SNOW.

WELL, KENT, AS OF NOW, THE DEATH COUNT IS ZERO

BUT IT IS READY TO SHOOT RIGHT UP.

OH, MY GOD.

DAMN YOU, SNOW!

ALL RIGHT, SNOW DAY!

NO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

Lisa: THAT DOESN'T MEAN

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO YOUR BOOK REPORT.

WHAT IF THE WEATHERMAN IS WRONG?

LISA,

THAT MAN IS A PROFESSIONAL METEOROLOGIST.

Kent, I'd like to remind

everybody to come down and watch me

at the Springfield Laugh 'n' Brew

and Burgers 'n' Fries this Saturday.

The forecast calls

for a 75% chance of hilarity.

I LIKE THOSE ODDS.

SNOWBALL FIGHT!

( laughter)

YOU'RE GOING TO EAT A BLIZZARD OF...

UNSEASONABLE WARMTH?

I MADE THE SNOWBALL

FROM THE FROST IN OUR FREEZER.

NICE P.J.s

SIMPSON.

DID YOUR MOMMY BUY THEM FOR YOU?

OF COURSE SHE DID.

WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE?

ALL RIGHT, SIMPSON, YOU WIN THIS ROUND.

OKAY, IT'S BOOK REPORT TIME.

WE'LL DO THEM ALPHABETICALLY.

TODAY IT'S "A" THROUGH "M."

I'M SAVED.

I LOVE BEING A S-S-S-SIMPSON.

LET'S SEE, WE HAVE NO A's, SO LET'S GO RIGHT TO THE B's.

BART?

HUH?

HA!

MRS. KRABAPPEL

I... DIDN'T...

Attention. This is Principal Skinner

your principal, with a message from the principal's office.

All students please proceed immediately

to an assembly

in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

DAMN IT, I WISH WE HADN'T LET THE STUDENTS NAME THAT ONE.

CHILDREN, THE TIMES THEY ARE A-BECOMING QUITE DIFFERENT.

TEST SCORES ARE AT AN ALL-TIME LOW

SO I'VE COME UP WITH THESE ACADEMIC ALERTS.

YOU WILL RECEIVE ONE AS SOON AS YOUR GRADES START TO SLIP

IN ANY SUBJECT.

THIS WAY, YOUR PARENTS WON'T HAVE TO WAIT

UNTIL REPORT CARD TIME TO PUNISH YOU.

HOW INNOVATIVE. I LIKE IT.

HEY, DOLPH, TAKE A MEMO ON YOUR NEWTON.

"BEAT UP MARTIN."

BAH!

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ACADEMIC ALERT--

WIGGUM, RALPH.

I WON, I WON!

NO, NO, RALPH.

THIS MEANS YOU'RE FAILING ENGLISH.

ME, FAIL ENGLISH?

THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE.

MUNTZ, NELSON.

YOU'RE FAILING HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY

AND MATH, BUT, UH...

YOU'RE DOING WELL IN HOME EC.

HEY, KEEP IT DOWN, MAN.

UH-UH.

SIMPSON.

LISA.

( gasps)

GRADES ARE ALL I HAVE.

WHAT COULD I BE FAILING?

I'M SMART AND A TEACHER'S PET.

GYM?

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I EVER HEARD.

LISA, YOUR FATHER AND I

ARE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THIS WARNING.

I REALLY HOPE YOU TRY HARDER.

Homer: WHOO, THAT'S ALL OF THEM.

AND I'M SO PROUD YOU DIDN'T TRY TO FORGE MY NAME.

HOW ABOUT A PRESENT, SON?

WELL, I COULD USE A NEW PAIR OF HOCKEY SKATES.

DONE AND DONE.

Lisa: THAT'S NOT FAIR.

WHY IS BART GETTING A PRESENT

AND I'M GETTING CHEWED OUT?

AH, THE MYSTERIES OF LIFE.

TELL YOU WHAT, SIMPSON.

I WON'T FAIL YOU

IF YOU JOIN ONE OF THOSE PEEWEE TEAMS

OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL.

YOU MEAN THOSE LEAGUES WHERE PARENTS PUSH THEIR KIDS

INTO VICIOUS COMPETITION TO COMPENSATE

FOR THEIR OWN FAILED DREAMS OF GLORY?

LOOK, I DON'T NEED THIS.

I INHALED MY FAVORITE WHISTLE THIS MORNING.

D-OHH, D-OHH, D-OHH, D-OHH D-OHH, D-OHH, D-OHH.

( air leaking out)

CHILDREN, THAT WAS OUR ONLY BALL.

THERE'LL BE NO TEAM THIS YEAR.

AW! AW!

MOM, THIS IS REALLY SCARY.

I'M GOING TO GET MY FIRST "F" EVER.

CHEER UP!

SO YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT SPORTS.

IT'S A VERY SMALL PART OF LIFE.

♪ SPORTS, SPORTS, SPORTS, SPORTS. ♪

MARGE, BART RIDES UP IN THE FRONT SEAT TODAY

BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD GUY AT SPORTS.

I THINK LISA NEEDS TO FEEL A LITTLE SPECIAL TONIGHT.

HOW ABOUT LETTING HER RIDE UP FRONT TOO?

I TRIED.

OKAY, SON, JUST REMEMBER

TO HAVE FUN OUT THERE TODAY

AND IF YOU LOSE, I'LL KILL YOU!

OH, DAD.

ALL RIGHT, PIGS

BEAT THOSE GOUGERS

I COULD HAVE BEEN EQUIPMENT MANAGER, BUT, NO!

( grunts)

OUR GOALIE CANNOT STAND UP.

TELL YOU WHAT.

GET SOME ROPE.

( blowing)

DEFENSE, DEFENSE, COME ON.

YOU CALL THAT BLOWING?

( buzzer sounds)

OH, YES! WE WON, WE WON, WE WON.

UNFORTUNATELY, SINCE I BET

ON THE OTHER TEAM,

UH, WE WON'T BE GOING FOR PIZZA.

WELL, BOY, YOU WON.

SO I'M GOING TO LIVE UP TO MY SIDE OF THE AGREEMENT.

HERE'S YOUR TURTLE, ALIVE AND WELL.

AW, THANKS, DAD.

HOW ABOUT SOME ADULATION FROM MY LITTLE SISTER?

WOW, BART, I'M SO IMPRESSED

YOU WERE ABLE TO GIVE MILHOUSE A CONCUSSION.

OH, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS

BECAUSE... YOU... STINK...

AT... SPORTS.

Lisa: CUT IT OUT, BART!

WHAT THE..?

YOU KNOW, I WONDER IF HER SKILLS WOULD TRANSFER OVER

TO THE GAME OF HOCKEY.

WELL, ONLY ONE WAY TO BE SURE.

HEADS UP, LITTLE GIRL.

( screaming)

THE GOALIE OF MY DREAMS.

LET'S TRY A HARD ONE

TO MAKE SURE IT WASN'T A FLUKE.

Milhouse: OH, HEY!

WAY TO KNOCK OUT MY TEETH.

THAT'S IT, MILHOUSE.

KEEP UP THE CHATTER.

LISA,

IF THE BIBLE HAS TAUGHT US NOTHING ELSE--

AND IT HASN'T--

IT SAYS GIRLS SHOULD STICK TO GIRLS' SPORTS

SUCH AS HOT-OIL WRESTLING,

FOXY BOXING AND SUCH AND SUCH.

I THINK WOMEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO PLAY ANY SPORT MEN PLAY

BUT HOCKEY IS SO VIOLENT AND DANGEROUS.

LOOK AT MILHOUSE'S TEETH.