[ Chorus ] ♪ THE SIMPSONS ♪

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

D'OH! [ Screams ]

- ALL RIGHT, I RAISE A QUARTER. - I'M OUT. - I'M OUT.

I'M OUT. [ Groans ]

HOMER, YOU WANT ANY CARDS? HOMER! [ Gagging ]

[ Grunts ] WHOO.

DON'T TRY TO EAT THESE SO-CALLED "CHIPS."

- DO YOU WANT ANOTHER CARD OR NOT? - HUH? OH OKAY. I'LL TAKE THREE.

D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!

UH, I MEAN, WHOO-HOO.

I'M IN. LET'S SEE YOUR CARDS.

OH, I WAS BLUFFING. [ Laughs ]

COME TO PAPA! WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU HAVE A STRAIGHT FLUSH, HOMER!

G'OH! YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME, YA-- OH, YOU--

[ Gagging ] CHOKIN' ON MY OWN RAGE, HERE.

- HEY, DON'T YELL AT HOMER JUST 'CAUSE HE'S A LITTLE SLOW. - [ Gasps ]

[ Thinking ] SOMETHING WAS SAID. NOT GOOD.

WHAT WAS IT? "DON'T YELL AT HOMER"!

NO, THAT'S OKAY. WHAT WAS IT?

"SLOW." THEY CALLED YOU "SLOW"!

HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT? I-- HUH?

HEY, HOMER, YOU STILL HERE? BOY, YOU ARE SLOW.

- [ Gasps, Thinking ] SOMETHING SAID. NOT GOOD. - GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

[ Kick Lands ] [ Door Slams ]

[ All Chewing Loudly ]

SO ANYHOO, LAST NIGHT WE'RE PLAYIN' POKER, RIGHT?

AS USUAL, I'M WINNING AND NOT REALIZING IT.

AND LENNY SAYS THAT I'M, UH-- [ Chuckles ]

GET THIS-- [ Laughing ]

"A LITTLE SLOW"! [ Laughing Loudly ]

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING? DO YOU THINK I'M SLOW?

- BUH. - SNUH.

[ Groans ] WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE SLOW,

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU GO TO MUSEUMS OR READ BOOKS OR ANYTHING.

YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO? IT'S THOSE TV NETWORKS, MARGE. THEY WON'T LET ME--

ONE QUALITY SHOW AFTER ANOTHER, EACH ONE FRESHER AND MORE BRILLIANT THAN THE LAST.

IF THEY ONLY STUMBLED ONCE, JUST GAVE US 30 MINUTES TO OURSELVES.

BUT THEY WON'T! THEY WON'T LET ME LIVE! [ Sobbing ]

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

I AM SLOW. OH, HOMIE.

IF YOU FEEL SO BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, THERE'S ALWAYS THINGS YOU CAN DO TO FEEL BETTER.

TAKE ANOTHER BATH IN MALT LIQUOR? THERE'S THAT.

OR YOU COULD TAKE AN ADULT EDUCATION COURSE.

OH, AND HOW IS "EDUCATION" SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL SMARTER?

BESIDES, EVERY TIME I LEARN SOMETHING NEW, IT PUSHES SOME OLD STUFF OUT OF MY BRAIN.

REMEMBER WHEN I TOOK THAT HOME WINE-MAKING COURSE AND I FORGOT HOW TO DRIVE?

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK! AND HOW.

ONE WAY TO DRIVE YOUR MAN WILD...

IS TO WEAR TIGHT, REVEALING CLOTHES.

- [ All ] EWW! - AT THIS POINT I'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU,

THERE ARE NO REFUNDS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE 411, FOLKS.

SAY SOME GANGSTA IS DISSIN' YOUR FLY GIRL.

YA JUST GIVE' EM ONE OF THESE. ♪ [ Hip-hop ]

♪ OOH, EH, AH, OOH ♪

[ Students Protesting ]

[ Chewing, Humming, Spits ]

- [ Pings ] - YOU SEE, THAT PING SOUND MEANS THE SPIT WAS ON TARGET.

- NOW YOU TRY. - [ Spitting ]

- [ Moans ] - GETTIN' BETTER.

WAIT A MINUTE. EVEN LENNY IS TEACHING A CLASS.

LOOK AT THE WAY THEY ADMIRE AND ADORE HIM.

[ Simpering Sounds ]

THAT'S IT. IF HE CAN TEACH A CLASS, HE CAN TEACH A CLASS!

I MEAN, I CAN TEACH A CLASS!

WHAT IS YOUR AREA OF EXPERTISE?

I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BUTTER AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER.

NO, YOU CAN'T, MR. SIMPSON. NO ONE CAN.

OH, I FAILED AGAIN. EVERYBODY CAN TEACH A CLASS BUT ME.

I'M AN IDIOT. WHAT AM I GONNA TELL MY WIFE AND KIDS?

- OH, YOU'RE MARRIED? - THAT DEPENDS. IS THERE ANOTHER WAY TO GET THIS JOB?

NO. MR. SIMPSON, WHAT I MEAN IS WE MAY HAVE A JOB FOR YOU AFTER ALL.

WE NEED SOMEONE TO TEACH A COURSE ON HOW TO BUILD A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.

I'LL DO IT! ANYTHING TO GET ME OUT OF THAT HOUSE,

AWAY FROM ALL THAT NAGGING AND NOISE,

UH, OF A FAMILY OF LOVE. ♪ SHA-LA-LA-LA ♪

- [ Children Chewing Loudly ] - LOOK, EVERYONE.

NOW THAT I'M A TEACHER, I'VE SEWED PATCHES ON MY ELBOWS. HOMER,

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LEATHER PATCHES ON A TWEED BLAZER, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

YOU'VE RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD JACKET.

AH, INCORRECT, MARGE-- TWO PERFECTLY GOOD JACKETS.

I THINK IT'S GREAT YOU'RE A TEACHER, DAD.

SO, WILL YOU BE LECTURING FROM A STANDARDIZED TEXT...

OR USING THE MORE SOCRATIC METHOD OF INTERACTIVE CLASS PARTICIPATION?

YES, LISA. DADDY'S A TEACHER.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Chuckles ] OH, HOMER. WHAT A PLEASANT--

CAN'T TALK NOW, FLANDERS. I'VE GOT A CLASS TO TEACH.

BUT YOU RANG MY--

- [ Boy On Speaker ] CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER? - NOTHING FOR ME TODAY.

I'VE GOT A CLASS TO TEACH.

SIR, IT'S A FELONY TO TEASE THE ORDER BOX.

- [ Tires Squealing ] - IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M A TEACHER!

[ Gasps ] I DIDN'T KNOW WE COULD DO THAT.

- [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Drivers ] HEY! [ Protesting ]

[ Scraping On Blackboard ] [ Students Protesting ]

ALL RIGHT. THE FIRST THING THEY TOLD ME TO DO...

WAS TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE HERE IS IN THE RIGHT CLASS. [ Sputters ]

DOWN THE HALL, ROOM 12. [ Mouth Full ] THANK YOU.

EW. OKAY. LET'S GET STARTED. UH,

UM,

UH-H-H-M,

HMM-- [ Whispers ]

NO TALKING.

[ Clears Throat ] UH--

HMM.

HMM. OH.

HMM. NO.

UH-- [ Smacks Lips ] HMM.

UM, HOW ABOUT IF WE TELL YOU

OUR PROBLEMS WITH RELATIONSHIPS.

YEAH. YEAH! THAT'LL EAT UP SOME TIME.

UH-H-H-M, HOW ABOUT YOU, OTTO?

OH, MY STANDARDS ARE JUST TOO HIGH, YOU KNOW?

I FEEL LIKE NOBODY'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

[ Crushes Insect ] WHOA. YOU THINK YOU GOT 'EM ALL, BUT YOU FORGET ABOUT THE EGGS.

MY PROBLEM IS I'M A REAL USER OF WOMEN. I MOVE IN RIGHT AWAY AND STAY UNTIL THE MONEY'S GONE.

WELL, I'M A SMART WOMAN, BUT I MAKE BAD CHOICES.

[ Whispering ] [ Giggling ]

OKAY. HERE'S A SET OF HOUSE KEYS AND MY A.T.M. CARD.

UM, I WAS MARRIED ONCE, BUT, UH, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP IT TOGETHER.

[ Sobs ] COME ON, WAYLON.