[ Chorus ] ♪ THE SIMPSONS ♪

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

D'OH! [ Screams ]

[ Glass Shattering ]

[ Announcer ] THE NEWS ON PARADE CORPORATION PRESENTS...

NEWS ON PARADE...

CORPORATION NEWS.

BRINGING YOU THE WORLD OF CURRENT EVENTS!

NEW GADGETS!

[ Whistle Blowing ] [ Screaming ]

AND HOLLYWOOD!

LOOK! IT'S AMOS FROM RADIO'S AMOS AND ANDY.

HELLO, EVERYBODY!

IT'S A PROUD DAY AS SPRINGFIELD IS DECLARED...

ONE OF AMERICA'S 400 FASTEST GROWING CITIES!

AND WHY NOT? BUSINESS IS BOOMING!

HALF THE COUNTRY WEARS SPRINGFIELD GALOSHES.

AND SAY HELLO TO THE STATE'S FIRST AQUA-CAR FACTORY.

KEEP 'EM COMING, BOYS!

THE CITY'S EVEN IN THE CELEBRITY BUSINESS. EVERYONE KNOWS...

PROFESSOR "RUBBER MOUTH" HAILS FROM SPRINGFIELD. [ Man ] BRAVO!

EVERYBODY'S CHIPPING IN.

EVEN THIS FELLA HAS SPRINGFIELD'S CAN-DO SPIRIT!

[ Barks ]

SO, WATCH OUT, UTICA.

SPRINGFIELD IS A CITY ON THE... GROW.

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

[ Younger Grandpa Scoffs ] THE WAY PEOPLE ACT AROUND HERE,

YOU'D THINK THE STREETS WERE PAVED WITH GOLD. THEY ARE.

[ Tires Screeching, Car Crashing ]

[ Siren Wailing, Gunshots ]

GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE, MAN?

YES! AND YOU AIN'T GETTIN' IT!

EVERYBODY WANTS SOMETHIN' FOR NOTHIN'.

[ Door Slams ] I'M OLD! GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!

[ Humming ] HUH? HEY!

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T SEE IN A TOILET EVERY DAY.

[ Shouting ] ANYBODY LOSE THEIR GLASSES?

LAST CHANCE. WHOO-HOO!

THE SUM OF THE SQUARE ROOTS OF ANY TWO SIDES OF AN ISOSCELES TRIANGLE...

IS EQUAL TO THE SQUARE ROOT OF THE REMAINING SIDE.

THAT'S A RIGHT TRIANGLE, YA IDIOT! D'OH!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR VISITING OUR PLANT, DR. KISSINGER.

IT WAS FUN. WE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF YOUR GLASSES TURN UP.

UH, YES. WELL, I'M SURE I LEFT THEM IN THE CAR.

[ Thinking ] NO ONE MUST KNOW I DROPPED THEM IN THE TOILET.

NOT I, THE MAN WHO DRAFTED THE PARIS PEACE ACCORDS.

MM-HMM. MMM. MM. HUH.

[ Scoffs, Sighs ] MMM. HMM.

SIR, BAD NEWS FROM ACCOUNTING. THE ECONOMY'S HIT US PRETTY HARD.

[ Scoffs ] TOUGH TIMES, HUH? I'VE LIVED THROUGH 12 RECESSIONS,

EIGHT PANICS AND FIVE YEARS OF McKINLEYNOMICS.

- I'LL SURVIVE THIS. - EVEN SO, SIR. WE COULD STAND TO LAY OFF A FEW EMPLOYEES.

OH! VERY WELL. LAY OFF... HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM-- HMM.

BETTER KEEP THE EGGHEAD. HE JUST MIGHT COME IN HANDY.

DAD, YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR GLASSES THAT WEREN'T PRESCRIBED FOR YOU.

LISA, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE 10 FEET TALL DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

- I'M BART. - GIVE ME THOSE.

AND FINALLY, HENRY KISSINGER WAS HOSPITALIZED TODAY AFTER WALKING INTO A WALL.

NOW OVER TO KENT BROCKMAN WITH SOME GRIM ECONOMIC NEWS.

SCOTT, THINGS AREN'T AS HAPPY AS THEY USED TO BE DOWN HERE AT THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

JOBLESSNESS IS NO LONGER JUST FOR PHILOSOPHY MAJORS.

USEFUL PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO FEEL THE PINCH.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND A JOB IN SIX YEARS.

HUH. AND WHAT TRAINING DO YOU HAVE?

FIVE YEARS OF MODERN DANCE. SIX YEARS OF TAP.

[ Brockman ] THE ECONOMIC SLUMP BEGAN LAST SPRING,

WHEN THE GOVERNMENT CLOSED FORT SPRINGFIELD,

DEVASTATING THE CITY'S LIQUOR AND PROSTITUTION INDUSTRIES.

NOW, AT THE RISK OF BEING UNPOPULAR,

THIS REPORTER PLACES THE BLAME FOR ALL THIS SQUARELY ON YOU, THE VIEWERS.

I PROPOSE THAT I USE WHAT'S LEFT OF THE TOWN TREASURY...

TO MOVE TO A MORE PROSPEROUS TOWN AND RUN FOR MAYOR.

AND ONCE ELECTED, I WILL SEND FOR THE REST OF YOU. BOO!

EXCUSE ME, MR. MAYOR?

THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES THE LITTLE CHICK WITH THE GLEAM OF HOPE IN HER EYES.

THIS PIGGY BANK CONTAINS $15 I SAVED FROM MY ALLOWANCE.

IT ISN'T MUCH, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO HELP.

AW, JUST WHAT I NEED TO TIP THE SKYCAPS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MADE THIS TOWN GREAT!

GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED GUMPTION!

THERE'S NOTHING HERE A LITTLE ELBOW GREASE WON'T FIX!

SO LET'S ROLL UP OUR SLEEVES...

AND-- [ Snoring ]

PEOPLE! PEOPLE! LET'S BE A LITTLE MORE REALISTIC. [ Snoring Continues ]

NOW, I, UH, HESITATE TO BRING THIS UP,

BUT A NUMBER OF CITIES HAVE REJUVENATED THEIR ECONOMIES...

WITH, UH, LEGALIZED GAMBLING.

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

THERE IS AN ADDED BONUS. SOME OF THE REVENUE...

CAN GO TO HELP OUR UNDERFUNDED PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

( distant cricket sound)

- WELL, I LIKE THE PART ABOUT THE GAMBLING. - WHAT DO YOU THINK, REVEREND?

ONCE SOMETHING HAS BEEN APPROVED BY THE GOVERNMENT, IT'S NO LONGER IMMORAL.

- YEA! - BY BUILDING A CASINO,

I COULD TIGHTEN MY STRANGLEHOLD ON THIS DISMAL TOWN!

YEA!

[ Belches ] YEA!

WELL, NOW. ARE THERE ANY OBJECTIONS?

[ Man ] PROBABLY MARGE IS GONNA HAVE SOME.

[ Crowd Murmuring Marge's Name ]

ACTUALLY, I THINK IT MIGHT REALLY HELP OUR ECONOMY.

[ Murmuring Excitedly ]

VERY WELL THEN. INSTEAD OF FLEEING THIS TOWN,

I'LL STAY HERE AND GROW FAT OFF KICKBACKS AND SLUSH FUNDS.

YEA!

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

THIS COULD BE A WHOLE NEW BEGINNING FOR SPRINGFIELD.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS?

WE'VE REALLY DONE SOMETHING FOR THE CHILDREN.

[ Man Shouting ]

[ Mayor Quimby ] WE'RE THRILLED YOU'VE DECIDED TO BUILD YOUR CASINO ON OUR WATERFRONT.

OH, I'LL NEVER FORGET MY CAREFREE BOYHOOD DAYS ON THIS OLD BOARDWALK.

[ Children Chattering ] [ Electricity Buzzing ]

[ Chattering Continues ] ♪ [ Calliope ]

[ Screams ] WHY, YOU-- [ Gasps ]

MASTER BURNS! I MEAN, CARRY ON.

[ Yelping ] [ Giggling ]

[ Screams ] ME LEG'S GONE GIMPY! WHO'LL PROVIDE FOR ME LITTLE ONES?

- [ Screaming Continues ] - [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

OH-- WHAT WAS I LAUGHING AT NOW?

[ Panting ]

OH, YES. THAT CRIPPLED IRISHMAN.

SIR, THE DESIGNERS ARE HERE WITH SOME PROTOTYPES FOR YOUR CASINO.

GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU BRITANNIA!

GAMBLING WITH ALL THE GLITZ AND GLAMOUR OF THE BRITISH ISLES.

BEST OF ALL, THE WAITRESSES AND SHOWGIRLS ARE ALL REAL BRITS.

FRESH FROM THE STREETS OF SUSSEX THEY ARE! [ Clicks Tongue ]

FRESHEN YOUR DRINK, GOVERNOR?

- GET OUT. - OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WAIT--

- NOW-- NOW, DIG THIS, MAN-- - GET OUT!

- [ Chuckles ] WOW. OH, LET ME JUST GET MY HEAD TOGETHER. - NOW!

I'LL NEED THREE SHIPS AND 50 STOUT MEN.

WE'LL SAIL ROUND THE HORN AND RETURN WITH SPICES AND SILK,

THE LIKES OF WHICH YE HAVE NEVER SEEN.

- WE'RE BUILDING A CASINO! - ARR.

CAN YOU GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES?

[ Scoffs ] IDIOTS. I'LL DESIGN IT MYSELF! I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE LIKE.

IT'S GOT TO HAVE SEX APPEAL... AND A CATCHY NAME.

MOM, WE'RE HAVING A GEOGRAPHY PAGEANT AT SCHOOL,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH STATE TO GO AS.

IN HONOR OF LEGALIZED GAMBLING, WHY NOT GO AS THE STATE OF NEVADA?

NO. NEVADA MAKES MY BUTT LOOK BIG.

THEN HOW 'BOUT GOING AS FLORIDA?

YOU ENJOY ORANGE JUICE. OLD PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

- DAD, WHAT DO YOU THINK? - SHH! I'M TRYING TO TEACH THE BABY TO GAMBLE.

- WHY? - I GOT A JOB AT BURNS'S CASINO.

AS YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN MY LIFELONG DREAM TO BECOME A BLACKJACK DEALER.

YOUR LIFELONG DREAM WAS TO BE A CONTESTANT ON THE GONG SHOW.

AND YOU DID IT IN 1977. REMEMBER?

♪ [ "Oh! Susanna" ] [ Audience Jeering ]

[ Gonging Continues ]

WE GOT MORE GONGS THAN THE BREAK-DANCING ROBOT THAT CAUGHT ON FIRE.

HELLO. I'M RETIRED HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER GERRY COONEY.

WELCOME TO MR. BURNS'S CASINO.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE YOUR VISIT MORE ENJOYABLE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

YEAH, GREAT. SEE YA! UH, DON'T FORGET TO APPLY FOR...

OUR V.I.P. PLATINUM CLUB FOR SPECIAL DISCOUNTS ON--

HEY! I SAID BUG OFF! [ Whimpers ]

UH, LET'S SEE. EIGHTEEN, 27, 35--

DEALER BUST! LOOKS LIKE YOU ALL WIN AGAIN.

YEE-HAW! HOMER,

I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY LUCKY HAT.

I WORE IT THE DAY KENNEDY WAS SHOT,

AND IT ALWAYS BRINGS ME GOOD LUCK.

WHY, THANKS, SENATOR. OOP! LOOKS LIKE MY SHIFT IS OVER.

[ All ] UH-OH!

[ Grampa ] COME ON, LUCKY SEVEN!

PAPA NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SPATS.

I WANT SOME OF THAT SWEET, SWEET DO-RE-MI!

FAT CITY, HERE I COME!

PLEASE THROW THE DICE NOW. PLEASE. NOW.

DON'T RUSH ME! I HAVE ARTHRITIS.

WILL THE GENTLEMAN PLEASE ROLL THE DICE?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SMART GUY.

[ Gasps ] OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I DROPPED ONE.

OH! NOW IT'S IN MY SHOE!

OW! OW! OOH!

OW! OOH! OW! OOH!

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE PLEASE FOR ANASTASIA!

SHE LOVES SHOW BUSINESS.

SO MUCH NICER THAN THE SAVAGERY OF THE JUNGLE, JA?

[ Honking ] [ Low Growl ]

HEY, TIGER! WAKE UP!

[ Growling ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Roaring ] [ Screaming ]

[ Shouting In German ]

WHOO-HOO! JACKPOT.

WAIT A MINUTE! ARE YOU OVER 21?

- ARE YOU? - I'M NOT AUTHORIZED TO ANSWER THAT.

[ Grunts ] BY THE WAY, YOUR MARTINIS SUCK!

OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? START YOUR OWN CASINO...

IN YOUR TREE HOUSE AND GET YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS TO COME?

I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT!

HI. YEAH, WELCOME. HAVE A LUCKY DAY! MM-HMM.

WELL, HE CERTAINLY SHOWED ME.

[ Marge ] HI, HOMIE!

HEY, MARGE, AFTER YOUR BIG TANTRUM AGAINST LEGALIZED GAMBLING,

I BET IT FEELS PRETTY WEIRD TO BE IN A CASINO.

- I WAS FOR THE CASINO! - STRIKE THREE, MARGE!

I REMEMBER THAT MEETING, AND I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.

LEGALIZED GAMBLING IS A BAD IDEA.

YOU CAN BUILD A CASINO OVER MY DEAD BODY.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

FOR YOU. IT'S THE PRESIDENT. Y'ELLO?

AND THEN I SAID TO THE PRESIDENT-- GET THIS--

MARGE? MARGE?

HMM.

HMM, I WONDER IF THEY HAVE A LOST AND FOUND.