[ Chorus ] ♪ THE SIMPSONS ♪

[ Tires Screeching ]

D'OH! [ Screams ]

♪ ALL WE OWN, WE OWE ♪

♪ ALL WE OWN, WE OWE ♪

- SHH! - [ Quietly ] ♪ ALL WE OWN, WE OWE ♪

♪ ALL WE OWN, WE OWE ♪

[ Shuddering, Groaning ]

♪ TRA LA LA LA LA LA TRA LA LA LA LA ♪

I AM THE HAPPIEST BOY THERE IS. AREN'T I, BOBO? MMM!

- HAPPY! COME HERE, HAPPY! - YES, MUMSY?

HAPPY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTINUE LIVING WITH US, YOUR LOVING, NATURAL PARENTS,

OR WOULD YOU RATHER LIVE WITH THIS TWISTED, LOVELESS BILLIONAIRE?

LET'S ROLL.

WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR BEAR-- A SYMBOL OF YOUR LOST YOUTH AND INNOCENCE!

[ Sighs ] OH, WELL. AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE HIS LITTLE BROTHER, GEORGE.

♪ BA BA BA BUM OH, THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT ON MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME ♪

♪ BA BA BA BUM ♪ TRUST ME. IT'LL BE FUNNY WHEN I'M AN OLD MAN.

[ Muttering ]

I WANT MY TEDDY.

AH, BOBO.

BOBO.

AH! OH, IT'S YOU.

THE BEDPAN'S UNDER MY PILLOW. WHO'S... BOBO, SIR?

BOBO? [ Stammering ] I, UH, MEANT LOBO.

UH, SHERIFF LOBO. THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE CANCELED THAT SHOW.

I SEE. ON ANOTHER TOPIC, THE PREPARATIONS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY HAVE BEGUN.

- I WON'T GET WHAT I REALLY WANT. - NO ONE DOES.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. SMITHERS ♪

MMM.

LOBO. LOBO. BRING BACK SHERIFF LOBO!

LOBO! LOBO! [ Screams ]

- WHAT, HOMIE? - OH, NO! BURNS'S BIRTHDAY!

WHAT'S WRONG? EVERY TIME MR. BURNS HAS A BIRTHDAY,

ALL HIS EMPLOYEES HAVE TO HELP OUT AT THE PARTY,

AND I ALWAYS GET SOME TERRIBLE JOB.

WHERE IS THAT DREADED PIÑATA?

OW! OW! OW! MISSED ME. HEH-HEH! OW!

HMM!

- [ Laughter ] - [ Grunting ]

NOT FUNNY. AND THE ONE IN MY PANTS REALLY HURTS.

THAT MAN WHO'S GETTING ALL THOSE LAUGHS, SMITHERS-- WHO IS HE?

HOMER SIMPSON, SIR, ONE OF THE CARBON BLOBS FROM SECTOR 7G.

BUT I DON'T THINK THAT-- I WANT THIS SIMPSON FELLOW TO PERFORM COMEDY AT MY PARTY.

I MUST HARNESS HIS FRACTURED TAKE ON MODERN LIFE.

FINE, SIR. I'LL GET HIM STARTED ON SOME SNAPPY SINBAD-ESQUE MATERIAL.

[ Laughing ]

I'M SO FUNNY. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M WRITING A DELICIOUS SEND-UP OF MR. BURNS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY.

IS "POO POO" ONE WORD OR TWO? [ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]

I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HUMILIATE YOUR BOSS ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

ACTUALLY, MOM, A TWEAKING OF MR. BURNS'S FOIBLES, IF DONE WITH THE GREATEST OF CARE,

COULD EARN DAD A SPECIAL PLACE IN THE OLD MAN'S HEART.

WELL, I ALSO DO A DELIGHTFUL IMPRESSION OF HIM. [ Chuckling ]

I PAINT A FROWNY FACE ON MY BUTT AND PULL DOWN MY PANTS!

[ Both Laughing ] YEAH!

[ Both Groaning ]

NOW, I'M NOT SAYING MR. BURNS IS INCONTINENT--

[ Laughing] INCONTINENT! [ Laughing ]

TOO RICH. DOES EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHAT "INCONTINENT" MEANS?

LISA, DON'T SPOIL OUR FUN. COME ON, DEAR. IT'S TIME TO GO.

OKAY, STUPID!

HOMER, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP INSULTING EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY YOUR BOSS.

MARGE, THE COMEDY ROAST IS AN AMERICAN TRADITION.

IT'S WHAT GIVES US THE FREEDOM TO CRITICIZE OUR SOCIAL BETTERS.

HEY, FLANDERS! YOU SMELL LIKE MANURE!

UH-OH. BETTER CANCEL THAT DINNER PARTY TONIGHT. THANKS FOR THE NOSE NEWS, NEIGHBOR!

[ All Grumbling ]

HEY! NO ONE-TERMERS. AH!

YOU TOO, HUH? HEY, I KNOW A GOOD YOGURT PLACE.

GET AWAY FROM ME, LOSER.

[ Smithers On P.A. ] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU "MONTGOMERY BURNS--

A LIFE." [ Applause ]

OH, BOBO. HMM.

[ Applause ] HERE ARE SEVERAL FINE YOUNG MEN WHO I'M SURE ARE GONNA GO FAR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE RAMONES. [ Applause ]

AH, THESE MINSTRELS WILL SOOTHE MY JANGLED NERVES.

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THIS GIG SUCKS! HEY, UP YOURS, SPRINGFIELD!

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

- ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪ - ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

- ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪ - ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BURNSIE ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

[ Applause ] GO TO HELL, YOU OLD BASTARD.

HEY, I THINK THEY LIKED US.

HAVE THE ROLLING STONES KILLED.

OH, SIR, THOSE AREN'T-- DO AS I SAY!

[ Burns Scoffs ] STINKS. PIFFLE.

DUSTBUSTER? YECH!

- [ Groans ] - SIR, I'VE ARRANGED FOR THE PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA...

TO JOIN HANDS TONIGHT AND SPELL OUT YOUR NAME WITH CANDLES.

THERE'S A SATELLITE HOOKUP ON THAT MONITOR. IF YOU'LL JUST TURN YOUR HEAD SLIGHTLY--

BAH! NO TIME. NEXT!

I HAVE SOME SAD NEWS TO REPORT.

A SMALL PUPPY, NOT UNLIKE LASSIE, WAS JUST RUN OVER IN THE PARKING LOT.

- [ All Gasp ] - NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF HOMER SIMPSON!

- ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH? - OH, THAT POOR DOG.

I SAID, "ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH?"

QUIET, YOU AWFUL MAN.

- YOU KNOW, MR. BURNS IS SO CHEAP-- - WHAT?

I JU-- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, MR. BURNS IS SO OLD--

- HOW DARE YOU! - WHOO-HOO.

TOUGH CROWD. BETTER BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS. [ Clears Throat ]

HERE'S AN IMPRESSION OF MR. BURNS THAT YOU MIGHT FIND A LITTLE CHEEKY.

[ All Gasp ] I'M MR. BURNS.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. DO THIS, DO THAT.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I THINK I'M SO BIG. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

- DESTROY HIM. - BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. LOOK AT ME-- OW!

THIS PARTY IS OVER.

[ Guests Screaming ]

OWW! WHERE DID I LOSE 'EM?

I'LL NEVER WIGGLE MY BARE BUTT IN PUBLIC AGAIN.

I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT THIS TIME. I REALLY WOULD.

BART, RUN DOWN TO THE STORE AND GET A BIG BAG OF ICE FOR YOUR FATHER.

YES'M. DAD, I KNOW YOU'RE DISCOURAGED,

BUT, PLEASE, DON'T DENY THE WORLD YOUR FAT CAN. DON'T WORRY, BOY.

[ Patting ] SHE'LL BE READY FOR YOUR AUNT SELMA'S BIRTHDAY.

- I KNEW IT. - [ Burns Groans ]

LOOK AT ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU HAVE, MR. BURNS: KING ARTHUR'S EXCALIBUR;

THE ONLY EXISTING NUDE PHOTO OF MARK TWAIN;

AND THAT RARE FIRST DRAFT OF THE CONSTITUTION WITH THE WORD "SUCKERS" IN IT.

YES, YES, YES. SO WHAT? YOU WANT YOUR BEAR, BOBO, DON'T YOU?

LIAR! I'LL GIVE YOU THE THRASHING OF A LIFETIME!

[ Groaning ]

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

[ Grunts, Sighs ] OH, GOD, HOW I WANT MY BEAR.

BUT HE'S GONE-- GONE FOREVER.

I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.

WHY, PUT SOME GREASE IN YOUR GARTER, LINDY! YOU'RE LATE!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Bomb Whistles, Explodes ] [ Groans ]

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! [ Grunts ]

[ Men Grunting ]

YOU GOTTA START SELLING THIS FOR MORE THAN A DOLLAR A BAG.

WE LOST FOUR MORE MEN ON THIS EXPEDITION.

IF YOU CAN THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO GET ICE, I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.

YEAH. HE'S GOT US THERE. BEATS ME.

HEY, APU, THIS BAG OF ICE HAS A HEAD IN IT.

OOH, A HEAD BAG!

THOSE ARE CHOCK-FULL OF... HEADY GOODNESS.

HEY, IT'S A TEDDY BEAR! [ Sniffing ] EW, GROSS.

IT'S PROBABLY DISEASED OR SOMETHING. HERE, MAGGIE.

♪ [ Dramatic Chord, Needle Scratches Record ]

♪ [ Needle Crackles On Record, Dramatic Chord ]

[ Approaching Footsteps ]

[ Smithers ] HERE'S SOMETHING THAT SHOULD CHEER YOU UP, SIR.

IT'S ME, SIR-- BOBO.

HUG ME. SQUEEZE ME. TUG AT MY FUR.

[ Growls ] ENOUGH! STOP THIS GROTESQUE CHARADE.

NOW, FIND MY TEDDY. OH, AND, UH, LEAVE THE COSTUME.

THE BURNS BEAR, PERHAPS THE MOST VALUABLE "WITTLE" BEAR IN THE WORLD, COULD BE ANYWHERE.

IT COULD BE IN YOUR HOUSE. YOU COULD BE LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW.

IT COULD BE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE AS I'M SAYING THIS WAGGLING BACK AND FORTH,

-PERHAPS BEING HELD UP BY A LOVED ONE. -MAGGIE, I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV.

PUT THAT MOLDY, OLD BEAR DOWN.

MOLDY? OLD? I'M GONNA GET SOMETHING TO EAT!

WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR ORIGINAL BEAR, OF COURSE, HEY.

BUT IT IS PROGRAMMED TO BE JUST AS CUDDLY. AH, DOGGONE IT. [ Beeping ]

- [ Mechanical Growl ] - IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE... DOING A LITTLE DANCE.

HEH! EH! OOH! GET THE BEAR OFF!

I GOT HIM. [ Grunts ] TRYIN' TO... TURN IT OFF.

NO. BEAR WANT TO LIVE.

[ Growling ]

♪ [ Choir Vocalizing ]

UH! HUH! UH!

[ Panicked Yelling, Shouting ] D'OH! SON OF A--