Selma's Choice

Season 4 / Episode 13

0:19 - 0:22

( bell ringing)

0:26 - 0:27

( whistle blowing)

0:41 - 0:45

( playing the blues)

1:01 - 1:02

( horn honking)

1:06 - 1:08

D-oh!

1:08 - 1:09

( screams )

1:25 - 1:26

( engine revving)

1:35 - 1:40

Announcer: HEY, LANCE MURDOCK, YOU JUST JUMPED 16 BLAZING SCHOOL BUSES.

1:40 - 1:42

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

1:42 - 1:45

( groaning:) I'M GOING TO DUFF GARDENS.

1:45 - 1:49

DUFF GARDENS-- HOME OF THE WHIPLASH.

1:49 - 1:53

TO BE COMPLETED IN 1994.

1:53 - 1:54

( Lance groaning)

1:54 - 1:55

( screaming)

1:56 - 1:59

( all screaming)

1:59 - 2:01

AND THE WASHING MACHINE.

2:01 - 2:02

( choking and gasping)

2:02 - 2:04

WOW!

2:05 - 2:08

SEE THE HAPPIEST FISH IN THE WORLD

2:08 - 2:11

AT OUR FABULOUS BEER-QUARIUM.

2:15 - 2:19

( moaning)

2:20 - 2:22

( belches)

2:22 - 2:23

BART, WARM UP THE CAR.

2:23 - 2:25

WE'RE GOING TO DUFF GARDENS.

2:25 - 2:27

YAY!

2:27 - 2:29

NOW, WHAT DO WE SAY WHEN WE GET TO THE TICKET BOOTH?

2:29 - 2:31

Both: WE'RE UNDER SIX.

2:31 - 2:33

AND I'M A COLLEGE STUDENT.

2:33 - 2:35

KIDS, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

2:35 - 2:39

YOUR GREAT-AUNT GLADYS HAS... PASSED ON.

2:39 - 2:41

GLADYS, GLADYS...

2:41 - 2:45

ABOUT YEA HIGH, BLUE HAIR, BIG DENT IN HER FOREHEAD?

2:45 - 2:48

NO, HONEY, GLADYS LOOKED MORE LIKE YOUR AUNT PATTY.

2:48 - 2:50

( shuddering)

2:50 - 2:53

OH, YEAH, THERE SHE IS.

2:53 - 2:55

THE FUNERAL'S IN LITTLENECK FALLS.

2:55 - 2:57

LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS ANOTHER TIME.

2:57 - 2:59

WE UNDERSTAND.

2:59 - 3:01

NO USE COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING YOU CAN'T CHANGE.

3:01 - 3:04

BUT I WANT TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS RIGHT NOW!

3:04 - 3:06

OH, HOMER, QUIT POUTING.

3:06 - 3:08

( whines:) I'M NOT POUTING.

3:08 - 3:10

I'M MOURNING.

3:10 - 3:11

STUPID DEAD WOMAN.

3:11 - 3:13

♪ ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ♪

3:13 - 3:15

♪ ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE ♪

3:15 - 3:17

♪ I LOST MY POOR MEATBALL... ♪

3:17 - 3:20

IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO A FUNERAL.

3:20 - 3:23

♪ DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD ♪

3:23 - 3:24

♪ WHICH OLD WITCH? ♪

3:24 - 3:25

♪ THE WICKED WITCH ♪

3:25 - 3:26

HOMER!

3:31 - 3:34

PATTY, SELMA, I'M SORRY.

3:34 - 3:36

HE'S HUGGING US. WHAT DO WE DO?

3:36 - 3:39

JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THINK OF MacGYVER.

3:39 - 3:41

( grunting)

3:43 - 3:46

HEY, HOMER, THIS LUGGAGE IS CRUSHING ME.

3:46 - 3:48

HEY, YOU DON'T HEAR LISA COMPLAINING.

3:48 - 3:50

( stifled groan)

3:55 - 3:59

I CAN'T BELIEVE AUNTIE GLADYS IS REALLY GONE.

3:59 - 4:01

HER LEGEND WILL LIVE FOREVER.

4:01 - 4:05

YEAH, THE LEGEND OF THE DOG-FACED WOMAN.

4:05 - 4:08

LEGEND OF THE DOG-FACED WOMAN.

4:08 - 4:10

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

4:10 - 4:12

HOMER, THAT'S VERY RUDE OF YOU.

4:12 - 4:14

WHAT? D-OHHH!

4:14 - 4:16

COULD WE PLEASE STOP SOMEWHERE?

4:16 - 4:17

MY BUTT'S ASLEEP.

4:22 - 4:25

( slurping and chewing)

4:30 - 4:32

ALL RIGHT, I'M ALMOST THERE.

4:32 - 4:33

OHHH!

4:37 - 4:38

ANOTHER PLACE MAT, SIR?

4:38 - 4:40

PLEASE.

4:40 - 4:42

WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR PIE

4:42 - 4:46

LET'S TAKE A MINUTE TO REMEMBER GREAT-AUNT GLADYS.

4:54 - 4:56

HMM, WAIT A MINUTE.

4:56 - 4:59

THAT WAS PRINCE OF TIDES.

4:59 - 5:00

FIVE...

5:00 - 5:01

SIX... ( thud)

5:01 - 5:03

SEVEN... ( thud)

5:03 - 5:04

EIGHT... ( thud)

5:04 - 5:05

WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?

5:05 - 5:06

COUNTING GAME.

5:06 - 5:08

THAT'S NICE.

5:08 - 5:09

NINE...

5:09 - 5:11

TEN...

5:11 - 5:14

Minister: HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

5:14 - 5:15

HE WAS A KIND MAN.

5:15 - 5:17

HE GAVE TO HIS COMMUNITY

5:17 - 5:20

AND ASKED LITTLE IN RETURN. HE NEVER--

5:20 - 5:21

( whispering)

5:21 - 5:23

THAT'S A WOMAN?

5:23 - 5:25

DEAR LORD!

5:25 - 5:26

( laughs nervously)

5:26 - 5:30

UH, WELL... I GUESS MOST OF WHAT I SAID CAN BE SALVAGED.

5:30 - 5:31

TAKE A SEAT, BOZO

5:31 - 5:35

AND THAT EULOGY BETTER NOT SHOW UP ON THE BILL.

5:35 - 5:37

I'LL KEEP THIS SHORT.

5:37 - 5:39

GLADYS LIVED ALONE, DIED ALONE.

5:39 - 5:43

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY SHE WAS A ROLE MODEL FOR SELMA AND ME.

5:43 - 5:46

SHE WASN'T A RICH WOMAN...

5:46 - 5:47

( everyone grumbling)

5:47 - 5:50

...BUT SHE WAS RICH IN SPIRIT.

5:50 - 5:51

FORGOT MY HAT.

5:59 - 6:01

DON'T HASSLE THE DEAD, BOY.

6:01 - 6:03

THEY HAVE EERIE POWERS.

6:03 - 6:05

( snorts)

6:05 - 6:08

I THOUGHT THIS THING WAS GOING TO BE CATERED.

6:08 - 6:11

BOY, AM I HUNGRY.

6:11 - 6:14

I MEAN, I'M REALLY, REALLY HUNGRY.

6:14 - 6:16

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMN IT!

6:16 - 6:18

( sobbing)

6:18 - 6:20

OH...

6:23 - 6:25

GOOD-BYE, GREAT-AUNT GLADYS.

6:25 - 6:28

I WISH I'D MADE MORE OF AN EFFORT

6:28 - 6:30

TO GET TO KNOW YOU THESE LAST FEW YEARS.

6:30 - 6:33

( raspy voice:) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

6:33 - 6:35

( screaming)

6:35 - 6:38

( laughs malevolently)

6:40 - 6:43

I'M LIONEL HUTZ, EXECUTOR OF MS. BOUVIER'S ESTATE.

6:43 - 6:45

SHE LEFT A VIDEO WILL

6:45 - 6:49

SO I EARN MY FEE SIMPLY BY PRESSING THIS "PLAY" BUTTON.

6:49 - 6:50

PRETTY SWEET, EH?

6:50 - 6:55

I would like to start by reading a passage from Robert Frost.

6:55 - 6:58

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and..."

6:58 - 7:00

( tape fast forwarding)

7:00 - 7:02

HOMER!

7:02 - 7:04

ALL IN FAVOR OF SKIPPING THE POEM?

7:05 - 7:07

THANK YOU.

7:07 - 7:11

"...and that has made all the difference."

7:11 - 7:14

Now, let's get down to business.

7:14 - 7:19

(Lionel Hutz's voice:) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.

7:19 - 7:20

MR. HUTZ!

7:20 - 7:24

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW OFTEN THAT WORKS, YOU REALLY WOULD.

7:24 - 7:27

To Marge, I leave my collection of potato chips

7:27 - 7:29

that resemble celebrities.

7:29 - 7:30

They're all here.

7:30 - 7:33

Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier...

7:33 - 7:35

right up to Jay Leno.

7:35 - 7:37

These chips were my children, Margery.

7:37 - 7:39

Take special care of them.

7:42 - 7:44

UH-OH.

7:47 - 7:50

To my sister, Jackie, I leave my pet iguana, Jubjub.

7:50 - 7:52

WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST LEAVE ME

7:52 - 7:54

THE BOWEL OBSTRUCTION THAT KILLED HER?

7:54 - 7:58

To my dear, childless nieces, Patty and Selma

7:58 - 8:01

I leave my grandfather clock and these words:

8:01 - 8:04

Don't die lonely like me.

8:04 - 8:07

Raise a family, and do it now.

8:07 - 8:08

Now!

8:08 - 8:09

Now!

8:09 - 8:11

Now!!!

8:11 - 8:14

HEY, A GRANDFATHER CLOCK... NOT BAD.

8:15 - 8:17

( clock tolling and ticking)

8:24 - 8:25

( snoring)

8:25 - 8:27

AUNT GLADYS WAS RIGHT.

8:27 - 8:30

THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING IN OUR LIVES.

8:30 - 8:33

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL GET THAT BARKING DOG RECORD TOMORROW.

8:33 - 8:37

PATTY... I WANT A BABY.

8:51 - 8:52

WHAT DO I DO HERE?

8:52 - 8:54

JUST TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF.

8:54 - 8:58

WELL... I WANT TO HAVE A BABY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

8:58 - 9:01

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A FREE LUNCH, BOYS.

9:01 - 9:03

COME AND GET IT.

9:03 - 9:05

( amorous growling)

9:08 - 9:12

ACH! BACK TO THE LOCH WITH YOU, NESSIE.

9:12 - 9:14

Princess Opal: ONE DROP

9:14 - 9:16

OF THIS LOVE POTION

9:16 - 9:19

AND YOU WILL HAVE ANY MAN YOU DESIRE.

9:19 - 9:20

REALLY?

9:20 - 9:23

WHAT ARE THE MAGICAL INGREDIENTS?

9:23 - 9:25

MOSTLY CORN SYRUP, A LITTLE RUBBING ALCOHOL.

9:25 - 9:28

YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF IT DOESN'T MAKE YOUR HAIR FALL OUT, ACTUALLY.

9:30 - 9:31

( annoyed grunt)

9:35 - 9:36

PAPER OR PLASTIC?

9:36 - 9:39

YOU DECIDE.

9:39 - 9:41

SO, WEARING A BELT, ARE YOU?

9:41 - 9:42

YEP.

9:42 - 9:44

NO SUSPENDERS FOR YOU.

9:44 - 9:46

I GUESS NOT.

9:46 - 9:48

ORANGE IS REALLY YOUR COLOR.

9:48 - 9:50

THEY MAKE US WEAR THIS.

9:50 - 9:53

SHALL WE CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION OVER DINNER?

9:53 - 9:55

UH... I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DATE CUSTOMERS.

9:55 - 9:56

IT'S STORE POLICY.

9:56 - 9:58

NO, IT ISN'T.

9:58 - 9:59

OW!

9:59 - 9:60

SHUT UP, ARNOLD.

9:60 - 10:01

NO, GO FOR IT, MAN.

10:01 - 10:03

"R"

10:03 - 10:05

"Q"

10:05 - 10:06

"J"

10:06 - 10:09

QUESTION MARK.

10:09 - 10:10

SMILEY FACE.

10:11 - 10:13

NEXT!

10:13 - 10:15

WAIT A MINUTE.

10:15 - 10:17

IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE SINGLE.

10:17 - 10:19

DID I DO WRONG?

10:19 - 10:25

COMBED, BISCUITS, CHICKEN,

10:25 - 10:28

YELLOW, MAILMAN...

10:28 - 10:30

YOU'RE READING THE WINE LIST, SIR.

10:30 - 10:31

VERY GOOD.

10:33 - 10:36

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU

10:36 - 10:37

FOR DINNER.

10:37 - 10:39

USE YOUR IMAGINATION.

10:45 - 10:47

( childish chatter)

10:48 - 10:50

( child screaming)

10:50 - 10:51

( crashing noise)

10:54 - 10:56

EHH!

10:56 - 10:58

GET OUT OF MY CAR.

11:00 - 11:02

THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE.

11:02 - 11:05

Come to Duff Gardens

11:05 - 11:08

where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore.

11:08 - 11:11

Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds

11:11 - 11:13

of "Hooray For Everything."

11:13 - 11:16

Hey, kids, take a walk on the wild side.

11:16 - 11:17

And all the races sing:

11:17 - 11:20

♪ Doo, doo, doo, shoo-bee doobee doo ♪

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♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

11:21 - 11:23

♪ Shoo-bee doobee doo, yeah! ♪

11:23 - 11:25

CAN WE GO TO DUFF GARDENS THIS WEEKEND?

11:25 - 11:29

SURE... UNLESS ANOTHER AUNT DIES.

11:29 - 11:32

SELMA, YOUR DATE'S OVER ALREADY?

11:32 - 11:33

YEAH.

11:33 - 11:34

I WAS SO DEPRESSED

11:34 - 11:37

I ATE A JAR OF EXPIRED OLIVES.

11:37 - 11:39

( sighs)

11:39 - 11:41

I GUESS I'LL NEVER HAVE A BABY.

11:41 - 11:43

AUNT SELMA, THIS MAY BE PRESUMPTUOUS

11:43 - 11:45

BUT HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION?

11:45 - 11:47

BOY, I DON'T KNOW.

11:47 - 11:49

YOU'VE GOT TO BE PRETTY DESPERATE

11:49 - 11:51

TO MAKE IT WITH A ROBOT.

11:51 - 11:53

( whispering)

11:53 - 11:54

I KNEW THAT.

11:54 - 11:57

Selma: HOW DO I KNOW

11:57 - 11:58

I'M GETTING QUALITY?

11:58 - 11:60

DON'T WORRY.

11:60 - 12:03

OUR DONORS HAVE TO PASS A RIGOROUS SCREENING PROCESS.

12:03 - 12:04

ALL DONE.

12:04 - 12:06

THANK YOU.

12:06 - 12:07

ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

12:07 - 12:09

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL.

12:09 - 12:10

( belches like Barney)

12:10 - 12:13

( babies belching like Barney)

12:13 - 12:16

( belching continues)

12:16 - 12:19

Marge: "101 FROZEN POPS."

12:19 - 12:21

A NOBEL PRIZE WINNER...

12:21 - 12:24

AN NBA ALL-STAR...

12:24 - 12:26

OOH, ONE OF THE SWEATHOGS.

12:26 - 12:27

I CHECKED.

12:27 - 12:29

IT'S NOT HORSHACK.

12:29 - 12:30

( groans)

12:30 - 12:34

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY THIS WAY?

12:34 - 12:37

YEAH, YOU'VE HAD SOME PRETTY BAD EXPERIENCES

12:37 - 12:38

ORDERING OUT OF CATALOGS.

12:38 - 12:40

REMEMBER THAT MAIL-ORDER HUSBAND?

12:40 - 12:42

( knock at door)

12:44 - 12:47

OOH, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR PICTURE.

12:48 - 12:50

SORRY, MY MIND'S MADE UP.

12:50 - 12:54

I WANT TO HAVE A KID, AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN DO IT.

12:54 - 12:56

WHY DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY SO BAD?

12:56 - 12:58

I GOT A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE

12:58 - 13:01

AND RIGHT NOW MY ONLY OUTLET

13:01 - 13:02

IS MY HAM RADIO.

13:02 - 13:05

Man: Modgreb ebn ljuobvitcher!

13:05 - 13:07

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH?

13:07 - 13:09

A CHILD CAN REALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

13:09 - 13:11

YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE UP SMOKING.

13:11 - 13:12

I'LL CHEW.

13:12 - 13:13

NO MAN WILL WANT YOU.

13:13 - 13:16

ALL I GOT NOW IS SPERM IN A CUP.

13:16 - 13:17

MMM.

13:17 - 13:19

MMM.

13:19 - 13:20

MMM.

13:20 - 13:21

MMM.

13:21 - 13:22

GET UP! GET UP!

13:22 - 13:24

TIME TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS.

13:24 - 13:25

MOM! MOM!

13:25 - 13:27

WE WANT TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS!

13:28 - 13:31

OH, GREAT. DAD'S DEAD.

13:31 - 13:34

( moaning)

13:34 - 13:38

HAVE YOU BEEN EATING THAT SANDWICH AGAIN?

13:38 - 13:40

SAND... WICH.

13:42 - 13:45

GEEZ, WE HARDLY MADE A DENT IN THAT TEN-FOOT HOAGIE.

13:45 - 13:47

I'LL GIVE IT A GOOD HOME.

13:47 - 13:50

YOU'VE BEEN EATING THAT THING FOR A WEEK.

13:50 - 13:53

I THINK THE MAYONNAISE IS STARTING TO TURN.

13:53 - 13:56

TWO MORE FEET, AND I CAN FIT IT IN THE FRIDGE.

13:56 - 13:59

HOMER, I FOUND THIS BEHIND THE RADIATOR.

13:59 - 14:01

I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD THROW IT AWAY.

14:01 - 14:03

SUGGESTION NOTED.