( bell ringing)

( whistle blowing)

( playing the blues)

( horn honking)

D-oh!

( screams )

( engine revving)

Announcer: HEY, LANCE MURDOCK, YOU JUST JUMPED 16 BLAZING SCHOOL BUSES.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

( groaning:) I'M GOING TO DUFF GARDENS.

DUFF GARDENS-- HOME OF THE WHIPLASH.

TO BE COMPLETED IN 1994.

( Lance groaning)

( screaming)

( all screaming)

AND THE WASHING MACHINE.

( choking and gasping)

WOW!

SEE THE HAPPIEST FISH IN THE WORLD

AT OUR FABULOUS BEER-QUARIUM.

( moaning)

( belches)

BART, WARM UP THE CAR.

WE'RE GOING TO DUFF GARDENS.

YAY!

NOW, WHAT DO WE SAY WHEN WE GET TO THE TICKET BOOTH?

Both: WE'RE UNDER SIX.

AND I'M A COLLEGE STUDENT.

KIDS, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

YOUR GREAT-AUNT GLADYS HAS... PASSED ON.

GLADYS, GLADYS...

ABOUT YEA HIGH, BLUE HAIR, BIG DENT IN HER FOREHEAD?

NO, HONEY, GLADYS LOOKED MORE LIKE YOUR AUNT PATTY.

( shuddering)

OH, YEAH, THERE SHE IS.

THE FUNERAL'S IN LITTLENECK FALLS.

LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS ANOTHER TIME.

WE UNDERSTAND.

NO USE COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING YOU CAN'T CHANGE.

BUT I WANT TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS RIGHT NOW!

OH, HOMER, QUIT POUTING.

( whines:) I'M NOT POUTING.

I'M MOURNING.

STUPID DEAD WOMAN.

♪ ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ♪

♪ ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE ♪

♪ I LOST MY POOR MEATBALL... ♪

IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO A FUNERAL.

♪ DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD ♪

♪ WHICH OLD WITCH? ♪

♪ THE WICKED WITCH ♪

HOMER!

PATTY, SELMA, I'M SORRY.

HE'S HUGGING US. WHAT DO WE DO?

JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THINK OF MacGYVER.

( grunting)

HEY, HOMER, THIS LUGGAGE IS CRUSHING ME.

HEY, YOU DON'T HEAR LISA COMPLAINING.

( stifled groan)

I CAN'T BELIEVE AUNTIE GLADYS IS REALLY GONE.

HER LEGEND WILL LIVE FOREVER.

YEAH, THE LEGEND OF THE DOG-FACED WOMAN.

LEGEND OF THE DOG-FACED WOMAN.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

HOMER, THAT'S VERY RUDE OF YOU.

WHAT? D-OHHH!

COULD WE PLEASE STOP SOMEWHERE?

MY BUTT'S ASLEEP.

( slurping and chewing)

ALL RIGHT, I'M ALMOST THERE.

OHHH!

ANOTHER PLACE MAT, SIR?

PLEASE.

WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR PIE

LET'S TAKE A MINUTE TO REMEMBER GREAT-AUNT GLADYS.

HMM, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT WAS PRINCE OF TIDES.

FIVE...

SIX... ( thud)

SEVEN... ( thud)

EIGHT... ( thud)

WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?

COUNTING GAME.

THAT'S NICE.

NINE...

TEN...

Minister: HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

HE WAS A KIND MAN.

HE GAVE TO HIS COMMUNITY

AND ASKED LITTLE IN RETURN. HE NEVER--

( whispering)

THAT'S A WOMAN?

DEAR LORD!

( laughs nervously)

UH, WELL... I GUESS MOST OF WHAT I SAID CAN BE SALVAGED.

TAKE A SEAT, BOZO

AND THAT EULOGY BETTER NOT SHOW UP ON THE BILL.

I'LL KEEP THIS SHORT.

GLADYS LIVED ALONE, DIED ALONE.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY SHE WAS A ROLE MODEL FOR SELMA AND ME.

SHE WASN'T A RICH WOMAN...

( everyone grumbling)

...BUT SHE WAS RICH IN SPIRIT.

FORGOT MY HAT.

DON'T HASSLE THE DEAD, BOY.

THEY HAVE EERIE POWERS.

( snorts)

I THOUGHT THIS THING WAS GOING TO BE CATERED.

BOY, AM I HUNGRY.

I MEAN, I'M REALLY, REALLY HUNGRY.

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMN IT!

( sobbing)

OH...

GOOD-BYE, GREAT-AUNT GLADYS.

I WISH I'D MADE MORE OF AN EFFORT

TO GET TO KNOW YOU THESE LAST FEW YEARS.

( raspy voice:) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

( screaming)

( laughs malevolently)

I'M LIONEL HUTZ, EXECUTOR OF MS. BOUVIER'S ESTATE.

SHE LEFT A VIDEO WILL

SO I EARN MY FEE SIMPLY BY PRESSING THIS "PLAY" BUTTON.

PRETTY SWEET, EH?

I would like to start by reading a passage from Robert Frost.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and..."

( tape fast forwarding)

HOMER!

ALL IN FAVOR OF SKIPPING THE POEM?

THANK YOU.

"...and that has made all the difference."

Now, let's get down to business.

(Lionel Hutz's voice:) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.

MR. HUTZ!

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW OFTEN THAT WORKS, YOU REALLY WOULD.

To Marge, I leave my collection of potato chips

that resemble celebrities.

They're all here.

Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier...

right up to Jay Leno.

These chips were my children, Margery.

Take special care of them.

UH-OH.

To my sister, Jackie, I leave my pet iguana, Jubjub.

WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST LEAVE ME

THE BOWEL OBSTRUCTION THAT KILLED HER?

To my dear, childless nieces, Patty and Selma

I leave my grandfather clock and these words:

Don't die lonely like me.

Raise a family, and do it now.

Now!

Now!

Now!!!

HEY, A GRANDFATHER CLOCK... NOT BAD.

( clock tolling and ticking)

( snoring)

AUNT GLADYS WAS RIGHT.

THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING IN OUR LIVES.

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL GET THAT BARKING DOG RECORD TOMORROW.

PATTY... I WANT A BABY.

WHAT DO I DO HERE?

JUST TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF.

WELL... I WANT TO HAVE A BABY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A FREE LUNCH, BOYS.

COME AND GET IT.

( amorous growling)

ACH! BACK TO THE LOCH WITH YOU, NESSIE.

Princess Opal: ONE DROP

OF THIS LOVE POTION

AND YOU WILL HAVE ANY MAN YOU DESIRE.

REALLY?

WHAT ARE THE MAGICAL INGREDIENTS?

MOSTLY CORN SYRUP, A LITTLE RUBBING ALCOHOL.

YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF IT DOESN'T MAKE YOUR HAIR FALL OUT, ACTUALLY.

( annoyed grunt)

PAPER OR PLASTIC?

YOU DECIDE.

SO, WEARING A BELT, ARE YOU?

YEP.

NO SUSPENDERS FOR YOU.

I GUESS NOT.

ORANGE IS REALLY YOUR COLOR.

THEY MAKE US WEAR THIS.

SHALL WE CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION OVER DINNER?

UH... I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DATE CUSTOMERS.

IT'S STORE POLICY.

NO, IT ISN'T.

OW!

SHUT UP, ARNOLD.

NO, GO FOR IT, MAN.

"R"

"Q"

"J"

QUESTION MARK.

SMILEY FACE.

NEXT!

WAIT A MINUTE.

IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE SINGLE.

DID I DO WRONG?

COMBED, BISCUITS, CHICKEN,

YELLOW, MAILMAN...

YOU'RE READING THE WINE LIST, SIR.

VERY GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU

FOR DINNER.

USE YOUR IMAGINATION.

( childish chatter)

( child screaming)

( crashing noise)

EHH!

GET OUT OF MY CAR.

THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE.

Come to Duff Gardens

where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore.

Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds

of "Hooray For Everything."

Hey, kids, take a walk on the wild side.

And all the races sing:

♪ Doo, doo, doo, shoo-bee doobee doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Shoo-bee doobee doo, yeah! ♪

CAN WE GO TO DUFF GARDENS THIS WEEKEND?

SURE... UNLESS ANOTHER AUNT DIES.

SELMA, YOUR DATE'S OVER ALREADY?

YEAH.

I WAS SO DEPRESSED

I ATE A JAR OF EXPIRED OLIVES.

( sighs)

I GUESS I'LL NEVER HAVE A BABY.

AUNT SELMA, THIS MAY BE PRESUMPTUOUS

BUT HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION?

BOY, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE PRETTY DESPERATE

TO MAKE IT WITH A ROBOT.

( whispering)

I KNEW THAT.

Selma: HOW DO I KNOW

I'M GETTING QUALITY?

DON'T WORRY.

OUR DONORS HAVE TO PASS A RIGOROUS SCREENING PROCESS.

ALL DONE.

THANK YOU.

ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL.

( belches like Barney)

( babies belching like Barney)

( belching continues)

Marge: "101 FROZEN POPS."

A NOBEL PRIZE WINNER...

AN NBA ALL-STAR...

OOH, ONE OF THE SWEATHOGS.

I CHECKED.

IT'S NOT HORSHACK.

( groans)

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY THIS WAY?

YEAH, YOU'VE HAD SOME PRETTY BAD EXPERIENCES

ORDERING OUT OF CATALOGS.

REMEMBER THAT MAIL-ORDER HUSBAND?

( knock at door)

OOH, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR PICTURE.

SORRY, MY MIND'S MADE UP.

I WANT TO HAVE A KID, AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN DO IT.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY SO BAD?

I GOT A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE

AND RIGHT NOW MY ONLY OUTLET

IS MY HAM RADIO.

Man: Modgreb ebn ljuobvitcher!

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH?

A CHILD CAN REALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE UP SMOKING.

I'LL CHEW.

NO MAN WILL WANT YOU.

ALL I GOT NOW IS SPERM IN A CUP.

MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

GET UP! GET UP!

TIME TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS.

MOM! MOM!

WE WANT TO GO TO DUFF GARDENS!

OH, GREAT. DAD'S DEAD.

( moaning)

HAVE YOU BEEN EATING THAT SANDWICH AGAIN?

SAND... WICH.

GEEZ, WE HARDLY MADE A DENT IN THAT TEN-FOOT HOAGIE.

I'LL GIVE IT A GOOD HOME.

YOU'VE BEEN EATING THAT THING FOR A WEEK.

I THINK THE MAYONNAISE IS STARTING TO TURN.

TWO MORE FEET, AND I CAN FIT IT IN THE FRIDGE.

HOMER, I FOUND THIS BEHIND THE RADIATOR.

I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD THROW IT AWAY.

SUGGESTION NOTED.