( bell ringing )

( whistle blowing )

( playing the blues )

( horn honking )

D'OH! AAH!

( theme from The Flintstones playing )

( whistle blowing )

YABBA DABBA DOO!

♪ SIMPSON, HOMER SIMPSON ♪

♪ HE'S THE GREATEST GUY IN HISTORY ♪

♪ FROM THE TOWN OF SPRINGFIELD ♪

♪ HE'S ABOUT TO HIT A CHESTNUT TREE ♪

AAH!

WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THESE AFTER WE SEAL THEM?

I HEAR THEY DUMP 'EM IN AN ABANDONED CHALK MINE

AND COVER THEM WITH CEMENT.

I HEAR THEY'RE SENDING THEM TO ONE OF THOSE SOUTHERN STATES

WHERE THE GOVERNOR'S A CROOK.

EITHER WAY, I'M SLEEPING GOOD TONIGHT.

WELL, SIR, WHERE SHALL WE DUMP THIS BATCH?

THE PLAYGROUND?

NO.

ALL THOSE BALD CHILDREN ARE AROUSING SUSPICION.

TO THE PARK!

( Smithers and Burns straining )

I THINK IT'S FULL, SIR

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THE LAST TREE HELD NINE DRUMS.

AGENT MALONE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.

SOME BOY SCOUTS STUMBLED ON YOUR LITTLE GAME

OF "HIDE THE OOZE."

Judge: MR. BURNS,

IN LIGHT OF YOUR UNBELIEVABLE CONTEMPT FOR HUMAN LIFE,

THIS COURT FINES YOU $3 MILLION.

SMITHERS, MY WALLET'S IN MY RIGHT FRONT POCKET.

AND I'LL TAKE THAT STATUE OF JUSTICE TOO.

SOLD!

( chuckling )

OH, ANDY CAPP, YOU WIFE-BEATING DRUNK.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

OOH... THERE'S GOING TO BE A TOWN MEETING

TO DECIDE HOW TO SPEND MR. BURNS' MONEY.

WHAT A BOON IT COULD BE

FOR UNDERFUNDED PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

CHILDREN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR HISTORY LESSON.

PUT ON YOUR VIRTUAL REALITY HELMETS.

MMM, EXCELLENT.

HELLO, LISA.

I'M GENGHIS KHAN.

YOU'LL GO WHERE I GO,

DEFILE WHAT I DEFILE,

EAT WHO I EAT, HMM?

COME ON, LIS.

WE BOTH KNOW HOW THIS MONEY SHOULD--

NAY, MUST BE SPENT.

( electronic beeping )

GAA! OH...

BART, WE'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.

JUST CALL OFF YOUR GIANT MECHANICAL ANTS.

WHOA!

( evil laughter )

WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY ON SOMETHING

THE WHOLE TOWN CAN BE PROUD OF.

LIKE A GIANT BILLBOARD THAT SAYS, "NO FAT CHICKS"?

NO.

OOH, IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE IN SPRINGFIELD SHOWED UP FOR THIS.

( glass breaking, alarms ringing ) HA HA!

COULD THIS TOWN BE ANY STUPIDER?

ORDER. PLEASE RISE FOR THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE.

GET TO THE MONEY!

IN A MOMENT.

FIRST, LET'S REVIEW THE MINUTES FROM OUR LAST MEETING.

GET TO THE MONEY! GET TO THE MONEY!

GET TO THE MONEY!

VERY WELL.

WE WILL NOW HEAR SUGGESTIONS

FOR THE DISBURSEMENT OF THE $2 MILLION.

DON'T YOU MEAN $3 MILLION?

OF COURSE.

HOW SILLY OF ME.

EXCUSE ME.

WE COULD USE THE MONEY TO HIRE FIREMEN

TO FINALLY PUT OUT THAT BLAZE ON THE EAST SIDE OF TOWN.

BORING!

HELLO. MY NAME IS MR. SNRUB

AND I COME FROM, UH... SOMEPLACE FAR AWAY.

YES, THAT WILL DO.

ANYWAY, I SAY WE INVEST THAT MONEY

BACK IN THE NUCLEAR PLANT.

I LIKE THE WAY SNRUB THINKS.

( disgruntled grumbling )

PARDON ME, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THIS MONEY

SPENT ON MORE POLICE OFFICERS.

I HAVE BEEN SHOT EIGHT TIMES THIS YEAR,

AND AS A RESULT, I ALMOST MISSED WORK.

CRYBABY!

MY NAME IS MARGE SIMPSON.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

IT MAY SOUND A LITTLE BORING AT FIRST.

CHAT AWAY!

I'LL JUST AMUSE MYSELF WITH PORNOGRAPHIC PLAYING CARDS.

OH.

WELL, SURELY YOU'VE ALL NOTICED

THE TERRIBLE CONDITION MAIN STREET IS IN.

MANY OF US HAVE DESTROYED IT

BY LEAVING WINTER CHAINS ON OUR TIRES

AND CARRYING TOO MUCH WEIGHT.

WOO-HOO! LOOK AT THAT PAVEMENT FLY.

Marge: THOSE POTHOLES ARE BECOMING A REAL NUISANCE.

HOLD ON JUST ONE MINUTE.

SURE, WE COULD FIX UP MAIN STREET.

WE COULD PUT ALL OUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET.

( all cheering )

SHUT UP!

I WASN'T DONE YET.

I'M JUST SAYING WE COULD BLOW ALL OUR MONEY

ON A STUPID LITTLE STREET, BUT...

( crowd cheering )

OH, I AIN'T FER IT.

I'M AGIN' IT.

( chanting: ) MAIN STREET! MAIN STREET!

ALL IN FAVOR OF GRANDPA SIMPSON'S PLAN

FOR REBUILDING MAIN STREET, PLEASE...

( whistling )

YOU KNOW, A TOWN WITH MONEY IS A LITTLE LIKE

THE MULE WITH A SPINNING WHEEL.

NO ONE KNOWS HOW HE GOT IT,

AND DANGED IF HE KNOWS HOW TO USE IT.

( laughter )

HEH, HEH... MULE.

THE NAME'S LANLEY, LYLE LANLEY

AND I COME BEFORE YOU GOOD PEOPLE TONIGHT

WITH AN IDEA.

PROBABLY THE GREATEST...

OH, IT'S NOT FOR YOU.

IT'S MORE OF A SHELBYVILLE IDEA.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.

WE'RE TWICE AS SMART AS THE PEOPLE OF SHELBYVILLE.

JUST TELL US YOUR IDEA AND WE'LL VOTE FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT, I TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL SHOW YOU MY IDEA.

I GIVE YOU

THE SPRINGFIELD MONORAIL.

( all gasping )

I'VE SOLD MONORAILS TO BROCKWAY, OGDENVILLE,

AND NORTH HAVERBROOK.

AND BY GUM, IT PUT THEM ON THE MAP.

WELL, SIR, THERE'S NOTHING ON EARTH

LIKE A GENUINE, BONA FIDE ELECTRIFIED, SIX-CAR MONORAIL.

WHAT I SAY?

MONORAIL!

WHAT'S IT CALLED? MONORAIL.

THAT'S RIGHT, MONORAIL!

( chanting: ) MONORAIL! MONORAIL! MONORAIL!

♪ I HEAR THOSE THINGS ARE AWFULLY LOUD ♪

♪ IT GLIDES AS SOFTLY AS A CLOUD ♪

♪ IS THERE A CHANCE THE TRACK COULD BEND? ♪

♪ NOT ON YOUR LIFE, MY HINDU FRIEND ♪

♪ WHAT ABOUT US BRAIN-DEAD SLOBS? ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE GIVEN CUSHY JOBS ♪

♪ WERE YOU SENT HERE BY THE DEVIL? ♪

♪ NO, GOOD SIR, I'M ON THE LEVEL ♪

♪ THE RING CAME OFF MY PUDDING CAN ♪

♪ TAKE MY PENKNIFE, MY GOOD MAN ♪

♪ I SWEAR IT'S SPRINGFIELD'S ONLY CHOICE ♪

♪ THROW UP YOUR HANDS AND RAISE YOUR VOICE ♪

All: ♪ MONORAIL! ♪

♪ WHAT'S IT CALLED? ♪

♪ MONORAIL! ♪

♪ ONCE AGAIN ♪

♪ MONORAIL! ♪

♪ BUT MAIN STREET'S STILL ALL CRACKED AND BROKEN ♪

♪ SORRY, MOM, THE MOB HAS SPOKEN ♪

♪ MONORAIL ♪

♪ MONORAIL ♪

♪ MONORAIL ♪

♪ MONORAIL! ♪

MONO...

D-OH!

MONORAIL, MONORAIL, MONORAIL.

I STILL THINK WE SHOULD HAVE SPENT THE MONEY

TO FIX MAIN STREET.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN A SONG LIKE THAT GUY.

( grumbles )

THANK YOU FOR COMING, MR. LANLEY.

I'M MISS HOOVER.

MISS HOOVER?

THAT IS HARD TO BELIEVE.

OH, YOU.

NOW I'M HERE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS

YOU CHILDREN MAY HAVE ABOUT THE MONORAIL.

( class ) Me! Me! Me!

CAN IT OUTRUN THE FLASH? YOU BET.

CAN SUPERMAN OUTRUN THE FLASH?

UH... SURE. WHY NOT?

HELLO, LITTLE GIRL.

WONDERING IF YOUR DOLLY

CAN RIDE THE MONORAIL FOR FREE?

HARDLY. I'D LIKE YOU TO EXPLAIN WHY WE SHOULD BUILD

A MASS TRANSIT SYSTEM IN A SMALL TOWN

WITH A CENTRALIZED POPULATION.

( laughs )

YOUNG LADY, THAT'S THE MOST INTELLIGENT QUESTION

I'VE EVER BEEN ASKED.

REALLY?

OH, I COULD GIVE YOU AN ANSWER,

BUT THE ONLY ONES WHO'D UNDERSTAND IT

WOULD BE YOU AND ME

AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR TEACHER.

( giggles conspiratorially )

NEXT QUESTION.

YOU THERE, EATING THE PASTE.

Coming soon, it's Truckasaurus: The Movie.

Starring Marlon Brando

as the voice of John Truckasaurus.

Brando: You crazy car.

I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.

Announcer: Celebrity voice impersonated.

Are you stuck in a dead-end job?

MAYBE.

Are you squandering the precious gift of life

in front of the idiot box?

WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

Are you on your third beer

of the evening?

DOES WHISKEY COUNT AS BEER?

Maybe it's time you joined the exciting field

of monorail conducting

by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.

Announcer: Actual institute may not match photo.

MARGE, I WANT TO BE A MONORAIL CONDUCTOR.

HOMER, NO.

IT'S MY LIFELONG DREAM.

YOUR LIFELONG DREAM

WAS TO RUN OUT ON THE FIELD DURING A BASEBALL GAME,

AND YOU DID IT LAST YEAR, REMEMBER?

OH, YEAH.

Lanley: GOOD EVENING.

BEFORE WE BEGIN

IS ANYONE HERE AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER?

I AM AND SHE IS.

WELL, I'D LIKE YOU TO PLEASE LEAVE.

SHOULD WE TAKE OUR HIDDEN CAMERA?

WOULD YOU? LET'S GO, PHIL.

"TRUE OR FALSE: YOU CAN GET MONO FROM RIDING THE MONORAIL."

FALSE.

NO, WAIT. MAYBE IT'S TRUE.

NO, YOU WERE RIGHT. IT'S FALSE.

WOW, YOU REALLY ARE GOING TO BE

A MONORAIL CONDUCTOR.

THAT'S RIGHT, BOY.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO THINK YOU WERE STUCK

IN AN EMASCULATING, GO-NOWHERE JOB.

( chuckles: ) KIDS.

BUT NOW, I WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS.

WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO HOMER JUNIOR?

THE KIDS CAN CALL YOU HOJU.

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

COME ON, KEEP IT COMING.

OVER.

OVER.

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

HI, HOMER!

OH, I HATE THAT SOUND.

ACCORDING TO THIS BOOK, THE MONORAIL GOES

OVER 150 MILES AN HOUR.

WHAT IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG?

WHAT IF.

WHAT IF I'M TAKING A SHOWER

AND SLIP ON A BAR OF SOAP?

MY GOD, I'D BE KILLED!

IT FRIGHTENS ME THAT YOU WANT TO WORK