( bell ringing)

( whistle blowing)

( playing the blues)

( horn honking)

D-OHH!

( screams)

( tires screeching)

LIVE FROM HAWAII'S BEAUTIFUL MOLOKAI ISLAND--

WE'RE NOT JUST FOR LEPERS ANYMORE--

IT'S:

I'M YOUR HOST, TROY McCLURE.

YOU MAY REMEMBER ME FROM SUCH FILMS

AS THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF HERCULES

AND DIAL "M" FOR MURDEROUSNESS.

TONIGHT WE'LL SEE ANGELA LANSBURY

WALK ON HOT COALS.

EXCITEMENT, SHE WROTE!

( painful groaning)

HOW COULD SOMEONE ABUSE THEIR BODY THAT WAY?

MOE, DON'T THROW OUT THAT BRINE.

BUT FIRST, A MAN

WHOSE INSPIRING BATTLE WITH PERCODAN ADDICTION

IS SOON TO BE A MOVIE OF THE WEEK:

KRUSTY THE CLOWN!

I'LL BE PLAYED BY JIMMY SMITS.

( laughing)

NOW HE FACES HIS TOUGHEST AUDIENCE--

THREE SIBERIAN TIGERS.

SIMBA, ON THE BALL!

( screaming)

AH, THEY'LL BE CHEWING ON HIM FOR A WHILE.

AY-YI-YI, LA POLICIA!

( laughing)

HEY, HOMER, PHONE CALL.

HI, HOMEY.

IT'S REALLY STARTING TO SNOW.

I THINK YOU SHOULD COME HOME.

BUT ALAN THICKE IS THROWING KNIVES

AT RICARDO MONTALBAN.

Aiee!

Sorry, Ricardo.

Bill: Take it easy folks, it's snowpicnic out there.

Marty: I snowwhat you mean.

You're dead weight, Marty.

( screams)

( collision)

D-OHH!

WELL, I GOT HIM AS GOOD AS HE GOT ME.

D-OHH!

Man: NOW, BEFORE I GIVE YOU THE CHECK

ONE MORE QUESTION:

THIS PLACE "MOE'S" YOU LEFT

JUST BEFORE THE ACCIDENT--

THIS IS A BUSINESS OF SOME KIND?

DON'T TELL HIM YOU WERE AT A BAR.

BUT WHAT ELSE IS OPEN AT NIGHT?

IT'S A PORNOGRAPHY STORE.

I WAS BUYING PORNOGRAPHY.

HEH, HEH, HEH.

I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

( grunts)

'FRAID OLD ZEKE

HE RIDES UP HERE WITH ME.

CAN'T TRUST A PIG WITH WATERMELONS, YOU KNOW.

( loud slurping)

SHE'LL GO 300 HECTARES

ON A SINGLE TANK OF KEROSENE.

WHAT COUNTRY IS THIS CAR FROM?

IT NO LONGER EXISTS

BUT TAKE HER FOR A TEST DRIVE

AND YOU'LL AGREE... ZAGREB EBNOM ZLOTDIK DIEV.

PUT IT IN "H."

Homer: KIDS, IF WE BUY A NEW CAR

WE GET OUR PARKING VALIDATED FOR FREE.

DO YOU COME WITH THE CAR?

OH, U.

( giggles )

DO YOU COME WITH THE CAR?

OH, YOU.

( giggles )

( imitating gun fire and grenade explosions)

BART, THAT CAR BELONGED TO BONNIE AND CLYDE.

SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT.

MM-HMM!

OUR TIRELESS SAFETY ENGINEERS

CRASH-TEST OVER 1,000 CARS A YEAR.

HEY, WAIT. THAT'S NOT A DUMMY.

THIS EXHIBIT IS CLOSED.

( gasps)

THE BATMOBILE!

( gasps)

ADAM WEST!

HEY, KIDS-- BATMAN!

DAD, THAT'S NOT THE REAL BATMAN.

OF COURSE I'M BATMAN.

SEE, HERE'S A PICTURE OF ME WITH ROBIN.

WHO THE HELL'S ROBIN?

I GUESS YOU'RE ONLY FAMILIAR WITH THE NEW BATMAN MOVIES.

MICHELLE PFEIFFER, HAH.

THE ONLY TRUE CATWOMAN IS JULIE NEWMAR

LEE MERIWETHER, OR EARTHA KITT.

AND I DIDN'T NEED MOLDED PLASTIC TO IMPROVE MY PHYSIQUE.

PURE WEST.

AND HOW COME BATMAN DOESN'T DANCE ANYMORE?

REMEMBER THE BATUSI?

NICE MEETING YOU.

JUST KEEP MOVING.

DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT.

( gasps)

WOW!

JUST THINK WHAT I COULD DO WITH THAT PLOW.

HOMER, I'VE GOT TO SNEAK THESE VALUABLE ART WORKS

OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, BUT I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY

BECAUSE OF THESE PROTESTERS.

MR. PRESIDENT, THOSE YOUNG PEOPLE

ARE ABOUT TO GET A DOSE OF REALITY.

( people screaming)

( chuckling)

OH, I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

PALLY, THIS DOESN'T COST MONEY, IT MAKES MONEY.

YOU MAKE THE PAYMENTS BY PLOWING DRIVEWAYS ON THE SIDE.

WELL, I REALLY SHOULD DISCUSS THIS WITH MY WIFE.

YOUR WIFE?

( imitates whip cracking)

YOU THINK I'LL BUY A $20,000 TRUCK

BECAUSE YOU MAKE THAT NOISE?

( cracking whip)

I'LL TAKE IT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BOUGHT THAT PLOW. WE CAN'T AFFORD IT.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MAD AT ME

EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING STUPID

THEN I'LL GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO STOP DOING STUPID THINGS.

GOOD. FINE.

FINE. I'LL NEVER, EVER DO ANOTHER STUPID THING.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, HOMEY, DIDN'T THAT HURT?

NO.

MARGE DIDN'T RECKON

WITH THESE FLYERS AND THIS FLASHY JACKET.

UH!

OH!

OH! AH!

OHH!

Barney: FORGET IT, HOMER.

PEOPLE DON'T READ THESE THINGS.

WATCH. 20% OFF AT LULLABUYS.

JUST TELL THEM BIG BABY SENT YOU.

I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME.

I'M TALKING TO YOU.

YOU SICKEN ME.

I GUESS GUYS LIKE US JUST CAN'T GET A BREAK.

WELL, AT LEAST I CAN'T SINK ANY LOWER.

COME BACK, DIAPER!

COME BACK!

HI, MA.

AND NOW TO READ FROM THE EPISTLES OF ST. PAUL..

HOMER SIMPSON.

( clearing throat)

DEAR LORD, IN YOUR INFINITE WISDOM

YOU KNOW THE NUMBER TO CALL WHEN YOU NEED A PLOW

IS KLONDIKE 5-3226.

HOMER, THIS IS REALLY LOW.

NOT AS LOW AS MY LOW, LOW PRICES.

( snaps fingers)

Homer: THAT'S MR. PLOW...

OH, I'M GOING

TO LOSE MY PLOW.

DAD, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED BUYING CHEAP COMMERCIAL TIME

ON CHANNEL 92? CHECK IT OUT.

Argh!

90 "Sea Chanteys" on three compact discs.

♪ Blow the man down, mateys, blow the man down. ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat. ♪

♪ In the navy, come on and join your fellow man. ♪

Act now and get a bonus CD-- "Hornpipe Fever."

Argh!

HMM...

ALMOST TIME FOR OUR COMMERCIAL.

DAD, WHO'S WATCHING TV AT 3:17 A.M.?

ALCOHOLICS, THE UNEMPLOYABLE, ANGRY LONERS.

LOOK, THERE WE ARE.

IT MAY BE ON A LOUSY CHANNEL, BUT THE SIMPSONS ARE ON TV.

Our driveway's snowed in.

All: Old man winter!

( laughing)

That's right.

I fill your driveways with ice and snow.

What are you going to do about it?

Nothing, that's what.

( grunting)

Stop!

Mr. Plow!

Get out, you lousy... season.

All right, I'm going.

My head hurts. I have to lie down

for a while. Yay!

Hello. I'm Mr. Plow.

Are you tired of having your hands cut off

by snow blowers

and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?

Uh-huh.

Then call Klondike 5-3226.

Call now and receive a free T-shirt.

HE COULD STILL SURPRISE YOU.

But I'm a real tightwad.

Can I afford this remarkable system?

Absolutely. My prices are so low

you'll think I've suffered brain damage.

You are fully bonded and licensed by the city aren't you?

Shut up, boy.

( growls)

So remember...

♪ Call Mr. Plow ♪

♪ That's my name ♪

♪ That name again is Mr. Plow. ♪

WELL, JOHN Q. DRIVEWAY HAS OUR NUMBER.

NOW WE PLAY THE WAITING GAME.

AW, THE WAITING GAME SUCKS.

LET'S PLAY HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. PLOW.

NOW MY STORE CAN REMAIN OPEN.

LET'S DO IT.

WE'RE NOT PRISONERS ANYMORE.

WE'RE FREE.

WE CAN GO ANYWHERE WE WANT.

I'M COLD AND FRIGHTENED.

M.

HM

HMHMM.

I'M AFRAID CLASSES MAY BE CANCELLED TODAY.

LOOK!

( triumphant music plays)

WE WON'T MISS A MINUTE OF SCHOOL

THANKS TO YOUR FATHER.

SAY YOUR PRAYERS, PLOW BOY.

MR. PLOW, FOR MAKING IT POSSIBLE

FOR PEOPLE TO GET WHERE THEY'RE GOING

WITHOUT RESORTING TO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION OR CAR POOLING

I GIVE YOU THE KEY TO THE CITY.

HERE YOU GO, MR. PLOW-- A BEER ON THE HOUSE.

WOW, MOE.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE A BEER TO THOSE FREED IRANIAN HOSTAGES.

THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE

BUT HOMER IS A REAL HERO.

I WISH I WAS A HERO.

WELL, WISHING WON'T MAKE IT SO.

YOU GOT TO PULL UP YOUR DIAPER, GET OUT THERE

AND BE THE BEST DAMN BARNEY YOU CAN BE.

HERE I COME, WORLD!

( screaming)

WHOA!

( crash)

HOW DO YOU THINK HE'LL DO, MOE?

I THINK HE'LL DO JUST FINE.

I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU BUYING THAT TRUCK.

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU...

MR. PLOW.

( giggling)

THIS MIGHT SOUND SILLY

BUT JUST FOR A CHANGE, WOULD YOU MIND...

CUTTING MY NAILS? BRUSHING MY TEETH?

NO, NO.

COULD YOU WEAR THE MR. PLOW JACKET?

JUST, UH, FOR FUN.

OHH.

♪ CALL MR. PLOW ♪

♪ THAT'S MY NAME ♪

♪ THAT NAME AGAIN IS MR. PLOW. ♪

( alarm ringing)

AH, WHITE GOLD.

WHAT THE..?

WHY, THAT...

UH!

( horn honks)

HIYA, HOMER.

SAY HELLO TO THE PLOW KING.

BARNEY, YOU STOLE MY IDEA.

DON'T WORRY, HOMER.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE HEALTHY COMPETITION.

( gunshots)

( laughing loudly)

( moaning)

WELL, WELL.

IF IT ISN'T MR. PLOW.

( grunting)

HEY, PLOW KING, SAVE SOME FOR ME.

WOW! LINDA RONSTADT!

( both grunting with exertion)

LINDA RONSTADT? HOW DID YOU GET HER?

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING

FOR A PROJECT TO DO TOGETHER FOR AWHILE.

( country western music begins)

♪ WHEN THE SNOW STARTS A-FALLIN' ♪

♪ THERE'S A MAN YOU SHOULD BE CALLIN' ♪

♪ THAT'S KL-5-4796 ♪

♪ LET IT RING ♪

♪ MR. PLOW IS A LOSER ♪

♪ AND I THINK HE IS A BOOZER ♪

♪ SO YOU BETTER MAKE THAT CALL TO THE PLOW KING. ♪

( belching)

HOW COULD YOU, BARNEY?

AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU.

"LACHRYMOSE IS TO DYSPEPTIC AS EBULLIENT IS TO..?"

EFFERVESCENT.

ALL RIGHT!

HARVARD, HERE I COME.

BARNEY, MY DAD'S ASLEEP.

WANT A BEER?

I DUNNO. THE S.A.T.'s ARE TOMORROW.

I'VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU:

MELLOW OUT, MAN.

HMM? HMM?

ALL RIGHT, JUST ONE

IF IT WILL GET YOU OFF MY BACK.

HEY! WHERE HAVE ( burps) BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

( groaning)

THANK YOU, PLOW KING LEAVING.

FLANDERS, I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR PLOW MAN.

HOMER, PLOW IT AGAIN.

FORGET IT, PAL.

I DON'T NEED YOUR PHONEY-BALONEY JOB.

I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO PLOW YOUR DRIVEWAY.

MR. WEST

YOU SAID THERE WAS A JOB FOR ME.

THERE WAS, WHEN I CALLED YOU, 45 MINUTES AGO.

SO LONG, SUPERMAN.

YOUR SECRET IDENTITY IS SAFE WITH ME.

Homer: RING, DAMN YOU. RING.

( phone rings)

MR. PLOW. THAT NAME AGAIN IS MR. PLOW.

Man: Hello. I'm calling from delinquent accounts

at Kumatsu Motors.

OH, YOU WANT THE MR. PLOW WHO PLOWS DRIVEWAYS.

THIS IS TONY PLOW, YOU KNOW--

FROM LEAVE IT TO BEAVER.

YEAH, THEY WERE GAY.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I THINK YOU SHOULD DO A NEW AD--

ONE THAT'S FRESH AND ORIGINAL.

I KNOW. I'LL DO A RAP.

♪ BOOM, CHE-CHE, BOOM, CHE-CHE, BOOM-CHE-BOOM ♪