( bell ringing)

( whistle blowing)

( playing the blues)

( horn honking)

D-ohh!

( screams)

( growling)

Hey, Homer, let's book!

I want to get there in time to whip eggs at the warm-up act.

Wow, my concert-going jacket still fits.

And this is where I used to hide my beer.

( gasps)

Billy beer!

( gulping)

My little guy's first rock concert.

I hope The Spinal Taps don't play too loud.

Oh Marge, I went to thousands of heavy metal concerts

and it never hurt me.

( loud, high-pitched ringing drowning out Marge's voice)

I hear you.

Come on, boy.

There goes Davy Crockett

in his bald-skin cap.

( laughing)

( growling)

D.J. #1: In other Spinal Tap news

Mayor Quimby honored the aging super group

in a ceremony at City Hall.

D.J. #2: I guess you could say he was trying to "Tap" into the

"spines" of the young voters, huh?

D.J. #1: Uh yeah..Let's play the tape.

( honking horn)

Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket.

It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics.

Now just meet me back here after the show.

Thanks, Dad.

Sure you're not gonna be bored?

Boy, some of the best times I've ever had

were in the back seat of a car.

( chuckling)

( shocks squeaking)

Homer: Ohhh...

Oh, baby.

( grunting with pleasure)

Ahh.

Official tour '92 T-shirts, $31.

Check it out--

Spinal Tap kicking Moammar Gadhafy

in the butt.

The timeless classic, now 2 for $1.

Hey, Bill and Marty here.

And we're backstage rapping with the Tap.

Fellas, I'm gonna hit you with a phrase that has dogged you

throughout your career--

"Washed up."

Yet here you are, among the top 105 concert acts today.

What's your secret, guys?

After the Berlin Wall fell our records started selling

on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain,

and naturally that gave us a boost.

We're very big in Bulgaria, and what's-his-name? The other garia.

Hungaria? Yeah, whatever.

I can't think of anyone who's benefitted

more from the death of Communism than us.

Maybe the people who actually live in the communist countries.

Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that. I bet you're right.

On the other hand, each of us just bought our own soccer team.

How many Hungarios can say that, eh?

Test... test...

Gee, I'm sorry, man.

Huh?

About the Frisbee.

Frisbee?

Say guys, I wonder if you'd mind

recording a couple of promos for us?

Like what?

Maybe you could say

"Nobody rocks like Bill and Marty on KBBL."

We don't know that, do we?

What if somebody rocks as good as you?

Or better. I mean..

We don't want to look stupid.

Okay, we can respect that.

How about, "Rock-a-doodle-doo!

You're listening to Bill and Marty."?

Yeah, sure. That's good, yeah.

( chanting:) Tap! Tap! Tap!...

I just looked out there, and there's puddles of water

all over the freakin' stage.

Well, I don't want to lie to you boys.

Six days a week the place is a hockey rink.

Well, this is a rock concert

not the bleedin'... splish-splash show.

Ladies and gentlemen

boys and girls...

Duff beer, in association with Laramie cigarettes

is proud to welcome Spinal Tap!

♪ We are the children who grew too fast ♪

♪ We are the dust of a future past ♪

♪ We raise our voices in the night ♪

♪ Crying to heaven ♪

♪ And will our voices be heard ♪

♪ Or will they break like the wind? ♪

Medium setting.

( jazz music playing)

( humming to radio tune)

( playing instrumental break)

Thank you!

( squealing)

( grunting)

All right!

This morning we were driving down...

Route 401...

( loud cheering)

That's only four miles from my house!

And we thought they knew how to rock in Shelbyville.

( jeering)

But nobody rocks like...

Springfield!

( wild cheering)

( playing hard rock intro)

Well, it seems some silly twit

did not get a big enough oxygen pump

but that's supposed to be a devil.

Filled up with air, it's very evil and impressive.

We salute you, our half-inflated dark lord!

Oy! Oy! Oy!

Crowd: Oy!

( playing solo)

( cheering)

People think there are only five members of Spinal Tap

but they're wrong.

Could we turn up the house lights please?

That was the cue to turn up the house lights

so we can tell the audience

they're the sixth member of the freakin' group!

We are trying to put a tiny thrill

into their gray little lives.

Oh, forget it.

Turn on the lasers.

Aah! My vision.

That's it.

Show's over.

Good night, Springden.

There will be no encores.

( confused, angry chattering)

They were only on for 20 minutes.

What a gyp.

Gnarly show, man.

Want to trash the stage?

Okay.

Aah!

♪ There was a little Spanish flea ♪

♪ A record star he thought he'd be ♪

♪ He heard of singers like Beatles ♪

♪ the Chipmunks he'd seen on TV... ♪

♪ Why not a little Spanish flea? ♪

♪ And so he... ♪

TV Anchor: Tonight the city weeps.

As for the first time ever

a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence

following a concert by Spinal Tap.

Mmm, I hope my poor little baby's okay.

See for yourself.

( Bart yelling)

Unh!

( gasps)

Of course it would be wrong to suggest

that this sort of mayhem began with rock and roll.

After all, there were riots

at the premiere of Mozart's The Magic Flute.

So, what's the answer-- ban all music?

In this reporter's opinion, the answer, sadly is yes.

Bart: Hi, Mom.

Oh...

Oh, thank God.

Mom, I want to be a rock star.

Mm... we'll discuss it later.

Is Milhouse okay?

Uh...

I'll be right back.

( door slams)

( tires screeching)

Help!

Help!

( humming)

Homer, I've been thinking about what Bart said.

If he's really interested in being a musician

maybe we should buy him a guitar.

That's a waste of money. We already have a guitar.

( playing "Pop Goes the Weasel")

I meant a real guitar.

This is real.

( hollow plastic knocking)

Wow!

And it came with a free instruction book.

Now boy, we spent a lot of money

so you'd better get real good, real fast, or pow!

Homer!

Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him?

( heavy metal guitar playing)

( Cockney accent:) I'd like to play me latest chart topper.

It's called

"Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs."

( groaning)

Bart, you've got to go on.

Slag off.

You've changed, man.

You used to be about the music.

I said slag off!

Cool!

( playing sour notes)

( skillfully playing the blues)

Knock it off.

I'm sorry.

( playing sour notes)

( skillfully playing the blues)

Knock it off!

I's just jammin' with ya.

( playing sour notes)

Hey, Simpson

what are you trying to play?

"Polly-Wolly Doodle."

Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds Polly-Wolly crappy.

( laughing)

Burn.

Hey, cherry ax, Bart dude.

I think it's broken.

Oh, really? Give it here.

( playing heavy metal licks like a pro)

( cheering)

I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto man.

That's all I did in high school.

My old man said I was wasting my time

and I'd never amount to anything.

( laughing)

I, uh... hmm.

Now I'd like to slow things down a little bit.

♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪

♪ Would you still remember me? ♪

( horns honking)

♪ ...and this bird cannot change♪

♪ whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪

Although I'm sure

I will receive a severe wedgie from my bus mates

I must remind you

we should have been at school ten minutes ago... Ah!!

Uh-oh. Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes.

We don't have seat belts.

Uh... well, then just try to go limp.

( tires squealing)

Better take a shortcut.

( kids screaming)

Good show last night.

Yeah, quite good.

( screaming)

Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number?

Gee, I forgot. Uh, no.

( screaming)

Yay!

Whee!

It's a miracle

no one was hurt.

I stand on my record--

15 crashes and not a single fatality.

Let's see your license, pal.

No can do. Never got one.

But, if you need proof of my identity

I wrote my name on my underwear.

Oh, wait-- these aren't mine.

Well that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear,

Mister, you are suspended without pay.

Who's gonna drive the bus?

I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang.

I think I can handle it.

Where's Otto?

Otto?

That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while.

( gasps)

Off we go.

♪ Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver ♪

♪ Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man ♪

♪ He drinks and he cusses ♪

♪ He stinks up the buses ♪

♪ Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man. ♪

( laughing)

Oh, there's an opening.

Oh, too late.

Nope, nope...

Uh... that would be cutting it a little close.

I think you have to be more aggressive, Sir.

Nonsense.

One of our good citizens will slow down and wave me in.

( humming "Bus Driver Man")

Nope...

( humming)

( gruff laughter)

What's so funny?

I was just thinking about the time

Homer caught his nose in the toaster.

We'll watch the tape tonight.

Oh look, you got someone at your window.

My name's Patty.

I'll be testing you.

When you do good, I use the green pen.

When you do bad, I use the red pen.

Any questions?

Yeah, one: have you always been a chick?

I don't want to offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you?

You can tell me.

I'm open-minded.

I won't be needing this.

All right!

Yeah!

So, how did I do?

Well, you failed every segment

and misspelled "bus" on your application.

Drag.

Let me in.

Let me in!

♪ He steps on the clutch ♪

♪ and the toilet goes flush. Hail to the...♪

Shut up!

( groaning)

Hey, landlord, some clown changed my locks

padlocked the door, and put up an eviction notice.

Yeah. That was me.

You?

Well, uh... why?

You haven't paid your rent.

Can I at least get my stuff?

All I found in there was a jar of mustard

and a couple of old Cycle magazines.

Wow! I had mustard?

Rough day, Apu.

Pump me a Squishee and don't spare the syrup.

Perhaps you'd like to try an experimental flavor of my own concoction --

a delicious chutney Squishee.

Uh... okay.

You can really taste the chutney.

( spitting)

Ow!

Otto man?

You're living in a dumpster?

Oh, man, I wish.

Dumpster brand trash bins are top-of-the-line.

This is just a trash-co waste disposal unit.

Otto, why don't you come home with me?

You can stay in our garage.

A garage!

Somebody up there likes me.

( Otto groaning)

( snoring)

( loud guitar music playing)

♪ I feel like rockin', so I think I will ♪

♪ I'll rock it, rock it, rock it till I get my fill, yeah ♪

Whoo!

Hey.

Bart, what's going on?

Mom, I thought

you might forget

our little conversation this afternoon

so I took the precaution of recording it.

What conversation?

Bart: Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?

( Bart imitating Marge:) He sure can.

Marge, what were you thinking?

That's not my voice.

Oh, everybody says that

when they hear themselves on tape.

I don't understand this.

Why can't you stay with your parents?

The admiral and I don't get along.

Please, let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go.

Forget it-- that line didn't work for my Dad

and it's not gonna work for you.

Dad, Otto's going through a real tough time.

Can't he stay with us for a while?

I know we didn't ask for this, Homer,

but doesn't the Bible say

"whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers

that you do unto me"?

Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say

"Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut"?

Please, Dad?

If you let Otto stay

he'll help around the house

and chip in a few bucks whenever he can.

All right, he can stay

but I get to treat him like garbage.

Wow, what's the catch?

The can of corn costs... 57¢!

( bell rings)

I could sure go for a can of corn.

Otto

you can't just sit there watching TV all day.

You know, you're right.

I should do a little reading.

Uh, you got any of those Where's Waldo?Books? No.

How about anything written from the vampire's point of view? No.

How about anything where guys

send in naked pictures of their chicks?

Otto, I think you should get a job.

Look, the only thing I was ever good at

was driving a bus

and now "the man" says I need a piece of paper to do that.

So get that piece of paper.

I tried!

Oh, Lord, how I did try.

( sighs)

( playing riffs)

Will you knock it off!

I can't hear myself think.

( Otto stops playing)

I want some peanuts.

That's better.

Hey, how come you never play your guitar anymore?

I'll tell you the truth. Dad.

I wasn't good at it right away, so I quit.

I hope you're not mad.

Son, come here.

( laughs)

Of course I'm not mad.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

You just stick that guitar in the closet

next to your shortwave radio

your karate outfit, and your unicycle

and we'll go inside and watch TV.

What's on?

It doesn't matter.

( pounding)

Open up! Open up!

I got to go, and no fooling.

Hey, pop-n-fresh!

You're supposed to giggle.

( growls)

Gyyaaagh!!

That guy has got to go.

I know how you feel

but he is good with the kids.

...So the lady drove faster, but the strange car

kept banging into her from behind.

( gasps)

So, finally, she swerved off the road

into the woods

and lost the other car

and that's when she realized

the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her.

No-- he was trying to warn her...

about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!

Did the maniac kill her?

Natch. You know how I know?

How?

Because...

I was that maniac.

( Lisa screaming)

Hey, I was just kidding.

That's it. He's out of here.

But Homer, we're the only family he's got.

I don't care. This is not Happy Days, and he is not The Fonz.

Hey-y-y, Mr. S.

Listen, you drain-clogging, last-cookie-eating

collect-call-getting sponge.

I want you out of my house.

Heavy.

What are you gonna do, Otto?

Oh, don't worry.

There's plenty of money out there

for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.

Well, before you do that

maybe you should take the driving test again.

I can't pass that thing.

I got a zero last time.

This time I'm hungover.

You can do it.

You're the coolest adult I ever met.

Wow. I've never been called an adult before.

I've been tried as one, but...

I'll do it.

"Alcohol increases your ability to drive."

False?!

Oh, man!

I don't know about this, Bart dude.

Your Dad is right.

I ama bum.

He didn't call you a bum.