D-oh!

( screams)

Hey everybody, Bret Gunselman here

on pivotal week eight of the N.F.L. season.

Now stay tuned for six hours of exciting football action.

Well, bye-bye belt.

( loud crunching and swallowing)

Homer, all those fatty

deep-fried, heavily-salted snacks

can't be good for your heart.

My heart is just fine.

( creaking noises)

( gasping)

A little beer will put out that fire.

And now with the specs for today's games

The man who's right

52% of the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo.

Thank you Bret, our first game today, Denver and New England

is too close to call.

Oh...

but if you're one of those compulsive types

who just has to bet...

well, I don't know.

Mmm... Denver!

Woo-whoo!

Denver! Yeah!

Moe's Tavern

where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.

Moe, I'd like to bet $20 on Denver.

I think I can provide that service.

Chief Wiggum, could you hand me

that little black book?

Sure thing, Moe.

I was just using it as a coaster.

20 big ones on Denver.

Pleasure doing business with you.

H.S.

All right, Denver, justify my love.

At the end of 13 seconds of play

it's New England seven, Denver nothing.

D-oh!

Look, Dad.

I made a model studio apartment

for my Malibu Stacy doll.

This is a kitchen.

This is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter.

Dad, you're not listening to me!

Lousy, stupid Denver.

Mmm!

( humming)

Oh, look at that, a shoe box house.

Lisa, you're so clever.

Why isn't Dad ever interested

in anything I do?

Well...do you ever take an interest in anything he does?

No... well, we used to have burping contests

but I outgrew it.

If you want to get closer to him

maybe you should bridge the gap.

I do it all the time.

I pretend I'm interested in looking at power tools

going to those silly car-chase movies

and.. some things I'll tell you about when you're older.

Do you understand?

I think so.

Bart! What?!

Homer: Oh, look at that.

Why did you do that?

Wouldn't it be fun

if we watched the game together?

Uh...

Okay.

Just don't say anything, and sit down over there.

Over.

Over.

Over.

Over.

( sighing)

Lisa, please, I can't hear the announcer.

He said Denver just fumbled.

D-oh!

See you in hell, soldier boy.

( evil chuckling)

Bart?

Yeah, Mom.

I was thinking that while your father and Lisa watch the game

it might be fun if the two of us went clothes shopping.

Mom, I'd love to, but to be honest, I don't need new clothes.

Oh, really?

So even though I'd love to spend

this sunny afternoon trying on clothes, it's not...

Folks, when you're right 52% of the time

you're wrong 48% of the time.

Why didn't you say that before?!

Okay, Jimmy, you're off the hook.

We've got Miami-Cincinnati coming up. Any thoughts?

I certainly do, Bret.

I hereby declare Miami

to be Smooth Jimmy's 'Lock of the Week.'

Ooh, that's a big lock, alright.

I just don't trust that guy.

In the Cincinnati-Miami game

I declare Cincinnati to be my 'Shoe-in of the Week.'

They both make a good case.

After evaluating millions of pieces of data

in the blink of an eye

the Gambletron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati

by 200 points?!

Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

You want some of this, don't you?

Yeah!!

Well, you need to know the winners, and I know the winners.

So call me now.

$5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute.

( slowly:) You... have reached...

the coach's...

hot...

line.

Line.

Lay it on me, coach.

In the game of...

Mi-am-i

mm-hmm.

Versus Cin...

Cincinnati.

cin... Cincinnati.

na...ti. Cincinnati.

C'mon, c'mon! Don't you realize this is costing me money?

We must consider... many things.

The wind...

D-oh, not the wind!

Is blowing out of the...

west...

at five...

miles per hour.

Knots. D-ooohh!

This is ridiculous!

What am I supposed to do? Lisa, who do you think's gonna win?

The Bengals or the Dolphins?

I don't know.

The Dolphins?

Good, good.

Moe, $50 on the Miami Dolphins.

Gotcha. 50 beans on Miami.

Homer, I got a call on the other line. Hello?

Moe, it's me, Mr. K.

( laughing)

Yeah, yeah, what will it be?

Put me down for $700 on the Rams.

( honks horn)

Oh, and put Sideshow Mel down for two grand.

Mom, I'm tired.

I want to go home.

Can't I just lie down for a minute?

Bart, I think you'd look very sharp

in this shirt.

Fine. Get it. Let's go.

No, no, no.

You have to try it on.

Ooh, and this one's 50% off.

You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom?

Because the people who wear them get beaten up.

Well, anyone who would beat you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Ooh, this looks good,

and this one is very, very cute

and these...

Oh, look, little bow ties!

And don't make that face at me.

How did you know?

Touchdown, Dolphins!

All right, Dolphins!

All right, Dolphins!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

50 big ones!

50 big ones?

Uh-oh.

You see, Lisa, Daddy's friend Moe promised

to give him $50 if the Dolphins won the game.

You mean you made a bet?

I wouldn't call it a bet.

It's a little thing Daddies do

to make football more exciting.

What could be more exciting

than the savage ballet that is pro football?

Well, you know.

You like ice cream, don't you?

Uh-huh.

Don't you like ice cream better

when it's covered with hot fudge

and mounds of whipped cream, chopped nuts

and those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up?

Mmm...

Crumbled-up cookie things.

So gambling makes a good thing even better?

That's right!

My God...

it's like there's some kind of bond between us.

Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

We've got a troublemaker in booth eight.

Forget him. There's a code red in booth three.

My God!

Those aren't the socks

she came in with.

Um-um...Let's move.

- Bart? - In here mom, but

Don't open the..

( screaming)

( giggling)

Bart, you could use some new underwear too.

Man: Look at that stupid kid!

Three! Three!

Two! Two!

One! One!

And the final from Riverfront Stadium:

Miami 24, Cincinnati 10.

Yeah! Yeah!

Mom sure will be happy you won $50.

You'd think that, wouldn't you?

but you see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea

that gambling is wrong

even though they say it's okay in the Bible.

Really? Where?

Uh... somewhere in the back.

The point is, we had a great time today.

To keep it that way

let's not tell your mother about our little wager, okay?

Okay, Dad.

Did you two have fun?

You bet.

( giggling)

We had fun too.

Right now, Bart is modeling his new clothes

for his friends.

Ooh...

You got to come out sometime, Simpson.

Goodnight, Dad. I had a nice time today.

Me too, honey.

Can I watch football with you

again next Sunday?

Sure. You'll find it gets rid

of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.

See how good things can happen

if you make a little effort?

Point well taken. Uh, Mom... could you loosen my blanket a little?

Dad tucked me in too tight, and it's cutting off

the circulation in my arms and legs.

This team is fired up. We came here to play.

Alright! He'll lose.

What? Didn't you hear what he said?

Look at the fear in his eyes. Listen to the quiver in his voice.

He's a little boy lost in a game of men.

Do you think we should bet against them?

I'd bet my entire college fund on it.

You got it.

Moe, $23 on New York.

Start spreading the news.

It's New York over Philadelphia, 35 to 10.

Yay! Yay!

Dad, I hate to break the mood

but I'm getting nauseous.

Oh, sorry.

So, who do you like in the afternoon games?

Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart

Seattle because they got something to prove

and the Raiders because they always cheat.

In an extremely suspicious play

the Raiders win!

Three for three!

Hey, the new sign's really working.

It's been a madhouse, Lisa.

Let's see...

Football... football...

homoeroticism in...

oddball Canadian rules...

Phyllis George in...

Oh, doctor, what a finish!

The final score-- Atlanta 17, Houston 13.

and the lowly Falcons are flying high.

Who would have thunk it?

My daughter, that's who.

Yeah, me.

Lisa, you pick the winner every time.

You must have some kind of special gift.

Come on Dad. It doesn't take a genius

to realize that Houston's failed to cover their last ten outings

on away turf the week after scoring more

than three touchdowns in a conference game.

My little girl says the cutest things.

Dad, Sunday is fast becoming

my favorite day of the week.

Not Sunday-- Daddy-Daughter Day.

The usual, Moe--

a beer... and a wad of bills!

Okay...

( quietly:) You lucky moron.

Here you go, Homer, $135.

I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet.

Now it's the smell of victory.

Oh, shut up.

( Marge gasps)

Look at these prices. We could finally get rid

of those termites for the cost of this meal.

Tut-tut, only the best for my family.

Homer, I can't help wondering where you're getting the money from?

Mom, can't a man do something nice for his loved ones?

I guess so.

( both laughing)

Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter.

Hello, I'm Homer, I'll be your customer.

( all laughing)

Never heard that one before.

Would you care to select the wine?

I'll do the honors.

No, no, no, no.

My God!

What passes for a wine list these days?

Marco, just bring us your freshest bottle of wine.

Chop, chop. ( all giggle )

Charming lad.

Oh, violin guy.

What's your favorite song, Lisa?

"The Broken Neck Blues."

Play on.

( playing "Broken Neck Blues")

It is the playoffs.

It's five below.

and there's one loyal fan wearing nothing but a G-string.

And the team colors painted on his body.

Commentator 2: He doesn't look too happy.

Well, maybe the paint has shut off his pores and he's slowly suffocating.

Still, that is a real fan.

Well Lisa, it's Daddy-daughter Day

and Daddy needs daughter's picks.

Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five star, silver bullet special.

And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys

plus five at Chicago.

Good, good. You call Moe.

Moe, this is L.S. Calling for H.S.

Just gimme the bet, Lisa.

110, 120...

You lucky son of a...

Hey Homer, you want to go bowling next Sunday?

Barney, are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl.

How about the Sunday after that?

Well, my ma's coming in from Norway

but what the hell.

( belching)

When the doctor said

I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day

of my life.

Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

Lisa Simpson, would you like to read your essay?

The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago

I was sitting on my Daddy's knee when the Saints--

who are four and a half point favorites, but only up by three--

kicked a meaningless field goal

at the last second to cover the spread.

Dear God!

Oh Dad! You must have bought me

every Malibu Stacy accessory there is.

Not quite.

They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.

Ooh, perfume!

"Meryl Streep's Versatility."

Boy, I know you're going to like your present.

Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt!

Shut up! Go to hell! Go to hell!

Dad, I promise you,

I will never get tired of this.

Homer, those were very thoughtful presents

but you have to tell me where you got the money from.

Alright Marge, I'll tell you, but first you have to promise you will not get mad.

I promise I will get mad

because I always do when you make me promise I won't.

Alright, if you must know, Lisa and I have been gambling on pro football.

Homer!

You promised you wouldn't get mad.

I did not. I promised I would get mad.

She's an eight year old girl!

Marge, she never loses. She's got a gift.

Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids

whenever they show talent?

But gambling is illegal.

Oh, only in 48 states.

Besides, it's a victimless crime.

The only victim is Moe

and it's brought Lisa and me together.

I just don't know.

What's the problem?

The kids are happy, you smell like Meryl Streep

and I got that foot massager I've always wanted.

Believe me, Marge, nothing bad could possibly come of this.

You know, Dad

we've been watching a lot of TV lately.

Maybe the Sunday after the Super Bowl

we could climb up to the top of Mt. Springfield.

The fires in the tire yards really make for some beautiful sunsets.

That sounds great honey, but next Sunday I'm going bowling with Barney.

What about Daddy-Daughter Day?!

Don't worry. The new football season is only seven months away.

So that's it.

You just wanted me to help you gamble.

You never wanted to be with me at all.

( sobbing)

You're a very selfish man.

Go to hell! Go to hell!

Hey, once again, great present, Dad.

Uh... uh...

My third husband bought me this.

Give me some chips for it.

Are you sure Ma'am?

Don't tell me what to do Sonny.

I've been gambling since I was eight

and I've been hocking jewelry since I was 12.

Now give me some chips.

( gasps)

Look around you, Malibu Stacy.

All this was bought with dirty money.

Your penthouse, your Alfa-Romeo, your collagen-injection clinic.

You're going back into the shoebox.

It may not be pretty

but damn it, it's honest.

I, Lisa Simpson

am hereby giving away

all my ill-gotten Malibu Stacy accessories!

( screaming)

Ahh!

( clamoring)

Look Lisa, I bought you

a Malibu Stacy chinchilla coat.

- Ooh! - Huh?

So you've come to buy my forgiveness.

Sorry, Homer.

Lisa, honey, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

but I really had a good time watching football with you

and I think you had a good time with me.

Yeah, I did.

We can still watch the Super Bowl together

can't we? Huh?

( both giggling)

Well, I would like to see what the fuss is about.

It's a date.

So...

Do you think the Redskins

will beat the spread?

Put me down.

Look Dad, I'll tell you who's going to win the Super Bowl if you want me to,

but it will just validate my theory

that you cared more about winning money

than you did about me.

Okay.

I think Washington is a mortal lock.

Washington! Whoo-hoo!

However...

However? What however? What do you mean 'however'?

However what?

However, I may also be so clouded with rage

that subconsciously

I want you to lose.

In which case, I'd bet the farm on Buffalo.

Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence:

Daddy should bet all his money on...

I don't know.

Oh!