( bell ringing)

( whistle blowing)

( playing the blues)

( horn honks)

AH!

( knocking)

( knocking)

( sighs)

LISA!

LISA, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

DID YOU FALL IN?

LISA!

( sighs)

SORRY, DAD.

WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.

WHAT THE..?

( Bart laughing)

( humming)

WHERE THE HELL ARE MY KEYS?

WHO STOLE MY KEYS?

COME ON, I'M LATE FOR WORK!

HOMER, YOU'D LOSE YOUR HEAD

IF IT WEREN'T SECURELY FASTENED TO YOUR NECK.

DID YOU CHECK THE DEN?

THE DEN!

GREAT IDEA.

( grunting)

WARM.

NOW COLD.

HUH?

COLDER.

ICE COLD.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE?

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR BREAKFAST.

( growling)

TRY THE RUMPUS ROOM.

RUMPUS ROOM?

GREAT IDEA.

OH, DAD.

D-OH!

OH, HOMER.

HERE.

I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.

I'VE ONLY GOT TWO CUPCAKES FOR THE THREE OF YOU.

ONE OF US HAS SCARFED DOWN

MORE THAN ENOUGH CUPCAKES OVER THE PAST THREE DECADES...

BART!

JUST TAKE MINE.

A SIMPLE CUPCAKE WILL BRING ME NO PLEASURE.

ALL RIGHT! OH, YEAH!

ALL RIGHT, CLASS, FROM THE TOP.

ONE AND TWO AND THREE...

♪ MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE ♪

♪ LA DA DA DA LA DA DEE ♪

♪ DA DA DA DO ♪

( humming)

( bebop jam)

LISA!

LISA SIMPSON!

THERE'S NO ROOM FOR CRAZY BEBOP IN "MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE."

BUT, MR. LARGO, THAT'S WHAT MY COUNTRY'S ALL ABOUT.

WHAT?

I'M WAILING OUT FOR THE HOMELESS FAMILY

LIVING OUT OF ITS CAR.

THE IOWA FARMER

WHOSE LAND WAS TAKEN AWAY BY UNFEELING BUREAUCRATS.

THE WEST VIRGINIA COAL MINER...

THAT'S FINE AND GOOD, BUT NONE OF THOSE UNPLEASANT PEOPLE

WILL BE AT THE RECITAL NEXT WEEK.

NOW, CLASS, FROM THE TOP.

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN...

( Band plays out of tune)

EVERY DAY AT NOON, A BELL RINGS.

THEY HERD US IN HERE FOR FEEDING TIME.

WE SIT AROUND LIKE CATTLE

CHEWING OUR CUDS, DREADING THE INEVITABLE..

Bart: HA-HA.. FOOD FIGHT!

COME ON LISE, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

CHUCK THAT SPAGHETTI!

I CHOOSE NOT TO PARTICIPATE.

UH!

AH... OOH...

OW... OOH...

LISA, WE ARE PLAYING DODGE BALL.

THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO AVOID THE BALL

BY DUCKING OUT OF ITS PATH.

IN OTHER WORDS, TO DODGE THE BALL.

WHY WEREN'T YOU GETTING OUT OF THE WAY OF THOSE BALLS?

I'M TOO SAD.

TOO SAD TO PLAY DODGE BALL?!

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

LET'S SEE ENTHUSIASM.

PLAY BALL!

( kids cheering)

AH...

EEE...

COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO.

Bart: IN THE RED TRUNKS

WITH 48 WINS AND NO LOSSES

THE UNDISPUTED CHAMP OF THIS HOUSE

BATTLING BART SIMPSON!

( whistling)

WHOOPEE!

AND IN THE LAVENDER TRUNKS

WITH A RECORD OF ZERO WINS AND 48 DEFEATS--

CORRECTION-- HUMILIATING DEFEATS, ALL OF THEM BY KNOCK-OUT...

MUST YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME?

HOMER "THE HUMAN PUNCHING BAG" SIMPSON!

BOO! BOO!

( hissing)

Homer: THIS STUPID JOYSTICK!

Bart: HOMER IS DOWN!

THREE SECONDS, FOLKS, A NEW RECORD.

Homer: HEY, NO, I'M NOT DOWN.

GET UP, YOU, COME ON.

YO, CHUMP, BACK AGAIN?

Homer: D-OH!

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

HOW COME HE'S NOT DUCKING?

WAIT A MINUTE.

I CAN'T GET MY...

OUT OF THE WAY!

HOMER?

NOT NOW, MARGE!

GET OUT OF THE CORNER!

THEY SENT A NOTE FROM SCHOOL.

WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME, YOU LITTLE HOODLUM?

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

I DIDN'T DO IT. THERE'S NO WAY THEY CAN PROVE ANYTHING.

NO, BART, THIS NOTE ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

IT ISN'T?

THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

HEY, THIS NOTE'S ABOUT LISA.

LISA?!

( Bart laughs)

( sighs)

SHE DOESN'T LOOK SAD.

I DON'T SEE ANY TEARS IN HER EYES.

IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF SAD.

I'M SORRY, DAD, BUT YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

SURE, I WOULD, PRINCESS.

I HAVE FEELINGS, TOO.

LIKE "MY STOMACH HURTS"

OR "I'M GOING CRAZY!"

CLIMB UP ON DADDY'S KNEE

AND TELL HIM ABOUT IT.

I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT'S THE POINT?

WOULD IT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE IF I NEVER EXISTED?

HOW CAN WE SLEEP AT NIGHT WHEN THERE'S SO MUCH SUFFERING IN THE WORLD?

REALLY?

UH... UH...

COME ON, LISA, RIDE THE HOMER HORSEY!

GIDDY-UP! WHEE!

LISA HONEY, WHY DON'T WE GO UPSTAIRS

AND I'LL DRAW YOU A NICE, HOT BATH.

THAT HELPS ME WHEN I FEEL SAD.

SORRY DAD, I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL.

THANKS FOR KNOWING I MEAN WELL.

HOMER, LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM ON YOUR HANDS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

BART, VACUUM THIS FLOOR!

HEY MAN, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

IN TIMES OF TROUBLE, GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.

NOW, HOP TO IT, BOY!

( muttering:) HOW CAN HE GET AWAY WITH THAT?

OH, MAN, OH, MAN...

STUPID HOMER.

I'M GOING TO SHOW HIM.

HE THINKS HE'S SO BIG.

VACUUM... I HATE THIS.

ENJOY YOUR BATH?

NO, NOT REALLY.

AW, TOO BAD.

I CERTAINLY HAD FUN VACUUMING.

MAYBE NOW I'LL GET THE PLEASURE OF SCRUBBING YOUR TUB.

SO TYPICAL.

ALL HE THINKS ABOUT IS HIMSELF.

DON'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT ME TO MAGGIE.

SHE'S ON MY SIDE ANYWAY.

IS NOT.

IS TOO.

IS NOT.

IS TOO.

WATCH, I'LL PROVE IT.

MAGGIE, COME TO THE ONE YOU LOVE BEST.

NO, MAGGIE!

COME HERE, GIRL.

MAGGIE, THE CHOICE IS OBVIOUS.

NO, MAGGIE, DON'T GO FOR THE GLITTER.

LOOK FOR SUBSTANCE.

ALL RIGHT, MAGGIE, JUST GO TO BART.

EXACTLY. COME TO THE ONE YOU LOVE BEST.

Homer: OH, NO!

DON'T LET THE..!

GET OUT OF THE..!

OH, NO, NOT AGAIN.

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.

GET OVER TO THE..!

OH... GEEZ.

GEE, DAD, YOU'RE REALLY BAD AT THIS.

I AM NOT.

I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE WITH THAT INFERNAL RACKET.

LISA! LISA!

LISA, WHAT DID I TELL YOU

ABOUT PLAYING THAT SAXA-MA-THING IN THE HOUSE?

I WAS JUST PLAYING THE BLUES... DAD.

( sobbing)

LISA, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO YELL.

GO AHEAD. PLAY YOUR BLUES, IF IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

NO, THAT'S OKAY, DAD.

I'LL JUST WORK ON MY FINGERING...

UNLESS MY FINGERS CLACKING ON THE KEYS

IS TOO LOUD FOR YOU.

LET'S HEAR IT.

( clacking)

YOU JUST CLACK AS LOUD AS YOU WANT, LISE.

( saxophone wailing)

HMM?

I'VE GOT TO FIND THAT SOUND.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?

OH, IT'S A LITTLE TUNE THAT I CALL

"THE I-NEVER-HAD-AN-ITALIAN-SUIT BLUES."

( humming in her sleep)

WAIT, MARGIE.

BEFORE YOU GO OUT THAT DOOR, LET'S PUT OUR HAPPY FACE ON

BECAUSE PEOPLE KNOW HOW GOOD A MOMMY YOU HAVE

BY THE SIZE OF YOUR SMILE.

OH... OH...

WHAT THE..?

( gasps)

PUT UP YOUR DUKES, HOMER.

BART, GO EASY.

I'M YOUR DAD.

I AM GOING EASY ON YOU

BUT YOU'RE JUST SO OLD AND SLOW AND WEAK AND PATHETIC.

NO! BART, NO!

AHHH!!

HOMER, WAKE UP, WAKE UP.

HUH? OH...

OH, MY.

LET ME WIPE OFF THE DROOL.

MARGE, GETTING OLD IS A TERRIBLE THING.

THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

WAS WHEN I REALIZED I COULD BEAT MY DAD AT MOST THINGS.

BART EXPERIENCED THAT AT THE AGE OF FOUR.

SO, WHY ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?

I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S BOTHERING LISA.

I DON'T KNOW.

BART'S SUCH A HANDFUL, AND MAGGIE NEEDS ATTENTION

BUT OUR LITTLE LISA'S BECOMING A YOUNG WOMAN.

OH, SO THAT'S IT.

THIS IS SOME KIND OF UNDERWEAR THING.

GOOD NIGHT, HOMER.

MM-HMM.

NOW LOW B-FLAT.

OKAY, LISA, ALTISSIMO REGISTER.

VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

I ONCE RUPTURED MYSELF DOING THAT.

THANKS, MR. MURPHY.

MY FRIENDS CALL ME BLEEDING GUMS.

EW, HOW DID YOU GET A NAME LIKE THAT?

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: YOU EVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST?

YEAH.

NOT ME.

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GO

BUT I GOT ENOUGH PAIN IN MY LIFE AS IT IS.

I HAVE PROBLEMS, TOO.

I CAN'T HELP YOU, KID.

I'M JUST A TERRIFIC HORN PLAYER WITH TONS OF SOUL

BUT I CAN JAM WITH YOU.

OKAY.

( playing the blues)

♪ OH, I'M SO LONELY ♪

♪ SINCE MY BABY LEFT ME ♪

♪ I GOT NO MONEY ♪

♪ AND NOTHIN' IS FREE ♪

♪ OH, I BEEN SO LONELY ♪

♪ SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN ♪

♪ ALL I GOT IS THIS RUSTY... ♪

♪ THIS RUSTY OLD HORN ♪

♪ I GOT A BRATTY BROTHER ♪

♪ HE BUGS ME EVERY DAY ♪

♪ AND THIS MORNING, MY OWN MOTHER ♪

♪ SHE GAVE MY LAST CUPCAKE AWAY ♪

♪ MY DAD ACTS LIKE HE BELONGS ♪

♪ HE BELONGS IN THE ZOO ♪

♪ I'M THE SADDEST KID IN GRADE NUMBER TWO. ♪

YOU PLAY PRETTY WELL

FOR SOMEONE WITH NO REAL PROBLEMS.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER.

THE BLUES ISN'T ABOUT FEELING BETTER.

IT'S ABOUT MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL WORSE

AND MAKING A FEW BUCKS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

WHICH REMINDS ME--

I'M PLAYING IN A LITTLE CLUB CALLED THE JAZZ HOLE.

LISA, GET AWAY FROM THAT JAZZ MAN!

BUT MOM, CAN'T I STAY..?

WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

NOTHING PERSONAL.

I JUST FEAR THE UNFAMILIAR.

( sighs)

( resumes playing)

Newscaster: Today's fire raced through downtown

gutting Symphony Hall, the Art Center

and Barney's Bowl-o-rama.

AHH!

OH, NO!

MARGE?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

NO, I'M VERY UPSET.

THEN YOU'VE HEARD.

OH GOD. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

THE LANES WERE KIND OF WARPED, BUT ALL THE FOOD...

I'M UPSET ABOUT LISA.

OH, ME, TOO.

ME, THREE. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

BART!

DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE BEING NICE ENOUGH TO YOUR SISTER, BART?

OH, YEAH. EASY.

YOU DO LOVE HER, DON'T YOU?

OH, MOM.

YOU DO, DON'T YOU?

DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT.

I KNOW THE ANSWER.

YOU KNOW THE ANSWER. HE KNOWS THE ANSWER.

LET'S JUST DROP IT, OKAY?

OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT.

BUT YOU DO HAVE TO HAVE A LOVING ATTITUDE.

BE NICE TO YOUR SISTER.

OKEY DOKEY.

GO ON.

NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT.

HI, MAN.

I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY.

I'LL CHEER YOU UP.

( phone ringing)

MOE'S TAVERN.

Bart: Is Jacques there?

WHO?

Jacques. Last name's Strap.

UH... HOLD ON.

JACQUES STRAP?

HEY, GUYS, I'M LOOKING FOR A JACQUES STRAP.

WAIT A MINUTE...

JOCKSTRAP.

IT'S YOU, ISN'T IT, YOU COWARDLY LITTLE RUNT?

WHEN I GET AHOLD OF YOU

I'M GONNA GUT YOU LIKE A FISH AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD.

WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, MAN?

LISA, YOU'LL BE LATE FOR BAND PRACTICE.

LET'S GO.

UH... GIVE ME SOME QUARTERS.

I'M DOING MY LAUNDRY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

WHERE'S THE VIDEO BOXING?

IN THE CORNER.

IF I WERE YOU I REALLY WOULD USE THOSE FOR LAUNDRY.

WISE GUY.

AHH!

HEY, THAT KID'S PRETTY GOOD.

GOOD? ARE YOU KIDDING?

OVER 2,000 FIGHTS AND HE'S STILL ON HIS ORIGINAL QUARTER.

OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?

ME. ME. ME.

ME. ME.

NO, ME!

CAN YOU TEACH ME

TO FIGHT LIKE YOU DO?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'LL DO IT IF YOU BARK LIKE A DOG.

YOU LITTLE...

( barking)

YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL, FIDO.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ALL OUT OF QUARTERS, OLD MAN.

THAT'S OKAY.

WITH THE TIPS YOU'VE GIVEN ME

I'M GOING TO POUND THE TAR OUT OF A CERTAIN LITTLE SMARTY-PANTS TONIGHT.

HOWIE?

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP WASTING MONEY IN THIS PLACE.

SORRY, MOM.

AND YOU...

A MAN OF YOUR AGE.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

EXCUSE ME.

I THINK I HEAR MY WIFE CALLING.

AHEM.