( bell ringing)

( whistle blowing)

( playing the blues)

( horn honks )

COME ON, MOM.

YEAH, MOM.

HURRY UP.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT "HE"?

TWO POINTS.

YOUR TURN, DEAR.

HOW COULD ANYONE MAKE A WORD OUT OF THESE LOUSY LETTERS?

OH, WAIT.

HERE'S A GOOD ONE.

"DO."

"ID."

TRIPLE WORD SCORE.

HEY, NO ABBREVIATIONS.

NOT "I.D.," DAD.

ID, IT'S A WORD.

AS IN THIS GAME IS STUP-ID.

HEY, SHUT UP, BOY.

YEAH, BART, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEVELOPING

VERBAL ABILITIES FOR YOUR BIG APTITUDE TEST TOMORROW.

WE COULD LOOK THIS "ID" THING UP IN THE DICTIONARY.

WE GOT ONE?

I THINK ITS UNDER THE SHORT LEG OF THE COUCH.

"ID, ALONG WITH THE EGO AND THE SUPEREGO,

ONE OF THREE COMPONENTS OF THE PSYCHE."

GET OUT OF HERE.

MY TURN.

"KWYJIBO"

K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.

TWENTY-TWO POINTS, PLUS TRIPLE WORD SCORE

PLUS 50 POINTS FOR USING ALL MY LETTERS.

GAME'S OVER, I'M OUT OF HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU LITTLE CHEATER.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT A KWYJIBO IS.

KWYJIBO.

UH...

A BIG, DUMB, BALDING

NORTH AMERICAN APE WITH NO CHIN.

AND A SHORT TEMPER.

I'LL SHOW YOU A BIG, DUMB, BALDING APE!

UH-OH, KWYJIBO ON THE LOOSE.

♪ COME FROM SPRINGFIELD AND WE SELL SWAMPLAND ♪

YOU THERE.

NO CHEWING GUM ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.

IN THE TRASH CAN WITH IT.

PRINCIPAL SKINNER, ONE OF MY FELLOW CHILDREN

IS VANDALIZING SCHOOL PROPERTY.

OH, WHERE?

OVER THERE, SIR.

SEE?

LOOK OUT, BART, HERE COMES SKINNER.

YIKES!

HMM.

WHOEVER DID THIS IS IN VERY DEEP TROUBLE.

AND A SLOPPY SPELLER, TOO.

THE PREFERRED SPELLING OF WIENER

IS W-I-E-N-E-R

ALTHOUGH E-I IS AN ACCEPTABLE ETHNIC VARIANCE.

GOOD POINT.

BOYS, LET'S SEE YOUR HANDS.

MM-HMM.

GOOD.

OKAY.

SIMPSON?

YOU MIGHT SAY YOU CAUGHT HIM RED-HANDED.

SIMPSON, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

SAME TIME, SAME PLACE?

YES, IN MY OFFICE AFTER SCHOOL.

OOH.

( bell ringing)

BART, I HOPE YOU WON'T BEAR

SOME SORT OF SIMPLE-MINDED GRUDGE AGAINST ME.

I WAS MERELY TRYING TO FEND OFF

THE DESECRATION OF THE SCHOOL BUILDING.

EAT MY SHORTS.

PARDON?

NOW, I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY, CLASS.

THESE TESTS WILL HAVE NO EFFECT ON YOUR GRADES.

THEY MERELY DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE SOCIAL STATUS

AND FINANCIAL SUCCESS... IF ANY.

MRS. KRABAPPEL, ISN'T BART SUPPOSED TO FACE THE WINDOW

SO HE WON'T BE TEMPTED TO LOOK AT HIS NEIGHBOR'S PAPER?

YOU'RE RIGHT, MARTIN.

BART.

REMEMBER TO VISUALIZE THE COMPLEX PROBLEMS

AND RELAX.

THE TEST WILL START...

NOW!

"AT 7:30 A.M., AN EXPRESS TRAIN TRAVELING 60 MILES AN HOUR

LEAVES SANTA FE BOUND FOR PHOENIX, 520 MILES AWAY."

SHH!

VISUALIZE IT, BART.

"AT THE SAME TIME

"A LOCAL TRAIN TRAVELING 30 MILES AN HOUR AND

"CARRYING 40 PASSENGERS, LEAVES PHOENIX BOUND FOR SANTA FE.

"IT'S EIGHT CARS LONG AND ALWAYS CARRIES

"THE SAME NUMBER OF PASSENGERS IN EACH CAR.

"AN HOUR LATER, THE NUMBER OF PASSENGERS

"EQUALED TO HALF THE NUMBER OF MINUTES PAST THE HOUR GET OFF

"BUT THREE TIMES AS MANY PLUS SIX GET ON.

"AT THE SECOND STOP, HALF THE PASSENGERS PLUS TWO GET OFF

BUT TWICE AS MANY GET ON AS GOT ON AT THE FIRST STOP."

TICKET, PLEASE.

I DON'T HAVE A TICKET.

COME WITH ME, BOY.

WE'VE GOT A STOWAWAY, SIR.

I'LL PAY. HOW MUCH?

TWICE THE FARE FROM TUCSON TO FLAGSTAFF

MINUS TWO-THIRDS OF THE FARE FROM ALBUQUERQUE TO EL PASO.

BART, THERE ARE STUDENTS IN THIS CLASS

WITH A CHANCE TO DO WELL.

WILL YOU STOP BOTHERING THEM?

HE'S NOT BOTHERING ME, MRS. KRABAPPEL,

I'M FINISHED.

MAY I GO OUTSIDE AND READ UNDER A TREE?

CERTAINLY, MARTIN.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, BART?

ARE THOSE NAUGHTY DOGS BACK AGAIN?

YOU HAVE 20 MINUTES, CLASS.

( humming)

HE'S A GOOD BOY NOW, AND HE'S GETTING BETTER.

AND SOMETIMES EVEN THE BEST SHEEP STRAY FROM THE FLOCK

AND NEED TO BE HUGGED EXTRA HARD.

THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF CRAPOLA

THAT'S LOUSING HIM UP.

HEY, LOOK AT THIS.

"I AM A WEINER."

HE SURE IS.

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson are here.

SEND THEM IN.

HELLO AGAIN, PRINCIPAL SKINNER.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THIS TIME, BOY?

I CAUGHT YOUR SON DEFACING SCHOOL PROPERTY THIS MORNING.

WE ESTIMATE THE DAMAGE AT $75.

AND FRANKLY WE THINK IT'S TERRIBLY UNFAIR

THAT OTHER TAXPAYERS SHOULD FOOT THE BILL.

YEAH, IT'S A CRUMMY SYSTEM, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

OH, NO, HE CAN'T MEAN THAT.

MY WIFE THINKS YOU WANT ME TO PAY FOR IT.

THAT WAS THE IDEA.

OH.

BY ITSELF, SOMETHING LIKE THIS MIGHT NOT CALL

FOR AN EXTREME PENALTY

BUT THIS IS NOT AN ISOLATED INCIDENT.

BART'S BEHAVIOR IS UNRULY.

HE'S FREQUENTLY ABSENT FROM SCHOOL,

THEN GIVES TEACHERS PATHETIC EXCUSE NOTES

THAT ARE OBVIOUSLY CHILDISH FORGERIES

WHEN COMPARED TO...

WELL, AT ANY RATE, IT IS MY RELUCTANT DECISION...

Mr. Skinner, Dr. Pryor is here to see you.

He says it's urgent.

SEND HIM IN.

MR. AND MRS. SIMPSON, THIS IS OUR DISTRICT PSYCHIATRIST

DR. JAY LOREN PRYOR.

WHAT DO WE NEED A PSYCHIATRIST FOR?

WE KNOW OUR KID IS NUTS.

ON THE CONTRARY

I HAVE SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS FOR ALL OF US.

THIS APTITUDE TEST WE ADMINISTERED THIS MORNING

HAS REVEALED THAT THE YOUNG BART HERE IS

WHAT WE CALL A "GIFTED CHILD."

A WHAT?

YOUR SON IS A GENIUS, MR. SIMPSON.

BART?

THIS LUNKHEAD?

IMPOSSIBLE.

NO, NO, WE'RE QUITE CERTAIN.

THE CHILD IS NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW HIS OWN I.Q., OF COURSE,

BUT YOU CAN SEE IT'S BEYOND THE RANGE OF ANY DOUBT.

912?!

NO, YOU HAVE IT UPSIDE DOWN.

IT'S 216.

OH.

THAT'S STILL AMAZINGLY HIGH.

TELL ME, BART, ARE YOU EVER BORED IN SCHOOL?

OH, YOU BET.

EVER FEEL A LITTLE FRUSTRATED?

ALL THE TIME, SIR.

DO YOU EVER DREAM OF LEAVING YOUR CLASS

TO PURSUE YOUR OWN INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT

ON AN INDEPENDENT BASIS?

WOW, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE READING MY MIND, MAN.

YOU SEE, WHEN A CHILD WITH BART'S INTELLECT

IS FORCED TO SLOW DOWN TO THE PACE OF A NORMAL PERSON,

HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO LASH OUT IN WAYS

LIKE THESE.

I THINK WE SHOULD RETEST HIM.

NO, NO, I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE HIM TO ANOTHER SCHOOL.

OH, BETTER YET.

BART, WE'D LIKE YOU TO TRY A KIND OF SCHOOL

THAT DOESN'T RELY ON GRADES AND RULES AND BELLS AND BUZZERS.

A SCHOOL WITHOUT WALLS, WHERE YOU DO AS MUCH

OR AS LITTLE OF THE ASSIGNMENT AS YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO.

DOES THAT SOUND GOOD, BART?

SIGN ME UP, DOC.

EXCELLENT, WE'RE ALL SET, THEN.

HERE'S ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED.

SHOW UP AROUND NINE-ISH.

MR. AND MRS. SIMPSON, CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN.

I THINK WE'RE ALL IN A MOOD TO CELEBRATE.

DOC, THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH.

I MEAN, MY SON A GENIUS?

HOW DOES IT HAPPEN?

WELL, GENIUS LEVEL INTELLIGENCE IS USUALLY THE RESULT

OF HEREDITY AND ENVIRONMENT

ALTHOUGH IN SOME CASES

IT'S A TOTAL MYSTERY.

AW, COME ON, MOM.

YOU LOOK VERY INTELLIGENT, DEAR.

NO WAY.

HOW ABOUT A TIE, SON?

EVERYBODY KNOWS BOY GENIUSES WEAR TIES.

YOU'RE STIFLING MY CREATIVITY, DAD.

SORRY, BOY.

BART, THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU EAT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE NUTRITIOUS?

NONSENSE, MARGE, FROSTY CRUSTY FLAKES

ARE WHAT GOT HIM WHERE HE IS TODAY.

IT COULD BE ONE OF THESE CHEMICALS HERE

THAT MAKES HIM SO SMART.

LISA, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY SOME OF THIS.

HOMER!

I'M JUST SAYING, WHY NOT HAVE

TWO GENIUSES IN THE FAMILY?

SORT OF A SPARE IN CASE BART'S BRAIN BLOWS UP.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THAT STUPID TEST SAYS, BART.

YOU'RE A DIMWIT.

MAYBE SO, BUT FROM NOW ON

THIS DIMWIT IS ON EASY STREET.

NO RUSH, DAD.

TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE.

GOTCHA.

( tires screeching)

OH, NO! TIES.

DON'T WORRY, SON, YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO PUT ON A TIE.

THE HOOK GOES OVER THE TOP.

AND THESE THINGS GO IN THERE.

THANKS, DAD.

YOU KISSED ME.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A FATHER KISSING HIS SON.

I THINK.

NOW, GO ON, BOY.

AND PAY ATTENTION.

BECAUSE IF YOU DO, ONE DAY YOU MAY ACHIEVE SOMETHING

THAT WE SIMPSONS HAVE DREAMED ABOUT FOR GENERATIONS.

YOU MAY OUTSMART SOMEONE.

( yelps)

YOU MUST BE BART SIMPSON.

I'M MS. MALAINE, YOUR LEARNING COORDINATOR.

LET ME SAY RIGHT AT THE START THAT WE HAVE ONE RULE HERE:

MAKE YOUR OWN RULES.

IF YOU FEEL SLEEPY

TAKE A NAP.

IF YOU GET BORED, FEEL FREE TO

TAKE OUT A BOOK AND START READING.

WHAT SHOULD I READ, MA'AM?

WHY, ANYTHING YOU WANT, BART.

OH.

A COMIC BOOK?

HOW DID THIS GET MIXED IN HERE?

WE USED IT LAST WEEK

AS A PROP IN A FILM WE MADE ABOUT ILLITERACY.

BART, THESE ARE THE STUDENTS WHO WILL SHARE YOUR WORK AREA.

THIS IS ETHAN FOLEY.

O MEMSAHIB, BART.

RABBI HAS MEMO.

WHAT?

ETHAN'S VERY GOOD WITH PALINDROMES--

YOU KNOW, SENTENCES SPELLED THE SAME BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS.

AND THIS IS SIDNEY SWIFT.

TRABING NORM DOOG.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

OH, DON'T MIND SIDNEY.

HE'S JUST SPEAKING IN BACKWARDS PHONETICS TODAY.

HE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BART."

AND THIS IS CECILE SHAPIRO.

HI, BART.

COOL HAMSTERS.

WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?

HAMSTER #1 HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH A STAPHYLOCOCCI VIRUS.

HAMSTER #2 IS THE CONTROL HAMSTER.

HI, LITTLE CONTROL HAMSTER.

I WOULDN'T GET TOO ATTACHED, BART.

WE'RE DISSECTING HIM NEXT WEEK.

DISCOVER YOUR DESKS, PEOPLE.

NOW, LET'S ALL WELCOME THE NEWEST MEMBER

OF OUR COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE, BART SIMPSON.

HELLO. BONJOUR. BON GIORNO.

AND NOW WE CAN CONTINUE OUR DEBATE FROM YESTERDAY.

WHEN WE LEFT OFF

CALVIN AND TONIA WERE ARGUING THAT FREE WILL IS AN ILLUSION.

IF YOU ASK ME, HUMAN KIND HAS FREEDOM.

A FREEDOM FRAUGHT WITH PARADOXES.

FREUD SHOWS HOW CHILDHOOD SHAPES OUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

BUT THIS HELPS US TO THINK FOR OURSELVES.

VERY GOOD, IAN.

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE AN EXAMPLE OF A PARADOX?

WITHOUT LAW AND ORDER MAN HAS NO FREEDOM.

IF YOU WANT PEACE, YOU MUST PREPARE FOR WAR.

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

WELL, IT SEEMS THE SMARTEST CHILD IN THE CLASS

IS ALSO THE QUIETEST.

BART, WHAT OTHER PARADOXES

AFFECT OUR LIVES?

WELL, YOU'RE DAMNED IF YOU DO, AND YOU'RE DAMNED IF YOU DON'T.

WELL, I GUESS THAT WOULD BE A PARADOX, TOO.

THANK YOU, BART.

PHEW.

TELL YOU WHAT, BART--