Marge: OOH, CAREFUL, HOMER.

Homer: THERE'S NO TIME TO BE CAREFUL. WE'RE LATE.

( singing "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem")

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.

HEY, NORMAN, HOW'S IT GOING?

SO YOU GOT DRAGGED OUT HERE, TOO, HUH?

SORRY. EXCUSE ME. HOW YOU DOIN', FRED?

YEAH. EXCUSE ME. OW!

OH, PARDON MY GALOSHES.

♪ ...ARE MET IN THEE TONIGHT. ♪

( applause)

WASN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

AND NOW, SANTAS OF MANY LANDS

AS PRESENTED BY THE ENTIRE SECOND GRADE CLASS.

OH, LISA'S CLASS.

FROHLICH WEIHNACHTEN.

THAT'S GERMAN FOR MERRY CHRISTMAS.

IN GERMANY, SANTA SERVANT BRUPRECHT

GIVES PRESENTS TO GOOD CHILDREN

AND WHIPPING RODS TO THE PARENTS OF BAD ONES.

( applause)

MERRY KURISUMASU

I AM HOTIASHI, A JAPANESE PRIEST WHO ACTS LIKE SANTA CLAUS.

I HAVE EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD

SO CHILDREN BETTER BEHAVE

WHEN I'M NEARBY.

( gasping)

NOW PRESENTING LISA SIMPSON AS TOWANGA

THE SANTA CLAUS OF THE SOUTH SEAS.

Homer: OH, IT'S LISA!

THAT'S OURS.

( tribal rhythms)

THE FOURTH GRADE WILL NOW FAVOR US

WITH A MELODY... MEDLEY OF HOLIDAY FLAVORITES.

♪ DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪

♪ O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO ♪

♪ LAUGHING ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ BELLS ON BOBTAIL RING... ♪

ISN'T BART SWEET, HOMER?

HE SINGS LIKE AN ANGEL.

♪ OH, JINGLE BELLS, BATMAN SMELLS ♪

♪ ROBIN LAID AN EGG ♪

♪ THE BATMOBILE BROKE ITS WHEEL ♪

♪ THE JOKER GOT AWA... ♪

♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS... ♪

THE FIFTH GRADE WILL NOW FAVOR US

WITH A SCENE FROM CHARLES DICKENS'

A CHRISTMAS CAROL.

OH, HOW MANY GRADES DOES THIS SCHOOL HAVE?

Marge: DEAR FRIENDS OF THE SIMPSON FAMILY--

WE HAD SOME SADNESS AND SOME GLADNESS THIS YEAR.

FIRST, THE SADNESS.

OUR CAT SNOWBALL WAS UNEXPECTEDLY RUN OVER

AND WENT TO KITTY HEAVEN.

BUT WE BOUGHT A NEW LITTLE CAT, SNOWBALL TWO.

SO I GUESS LIFE GOES ON.

SPEAKING OF LIFE GOING ON, GRANDPA IS STILL WITH US

FEISTY AS EVER.

MAGGIE IS WALKING BY HERSELF.

LISA GOT STRAIGHT A's

AND BART... WELL, WE LOVE BART.

THE MAGIC OF THE SEASON HAS TOUCHED US ALL.

MARGE, HAVEN'T YOU FINISHED THAT STUPID LETTER YET?

HOMER SENDS HIS LOVE.

- HAPPY HOLIDAYS. - MARGE!

THE SIMPSONS. MARGE!

WHERE'S THE EXTENSION CORD?

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, HOMER, IT'S IN THE UTILITY DRAWER.

SORRY.

I'M JUST A BIG KID.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH.

OH!

( muttering)

ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN, LET ME HAVE THOSE LETTERS.

I'LL SEND THEM TO SANTA'S WORKSHOP AT THE NORTH POLE.

OH, PLEASE, THERE'S ONLY ONE FAT GUY THAT BRINGS US PRESENTS.

AND HIS NAME AIN'T SANTA.

A PONY.

LISA, YOU'VE ASKED FOR THAT FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS.

AND I KEEP TELLING YOU SANTA CAN'T FIT A PONY INTO HIS SLEIGH.

CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT?

BUT I REALLY WANT A PONY

AND I'VE BEEN REALLY, REALLY GOOD THIS YEAR.

OH, DEAR, MAYBE BART IS A LITTLE MORE REALISTIC.

A TATTOO?!

- A WHAT?! - YEAH, THEY'RE COOL.

AND THEY LAST THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING A TATTOO FOR CHRISTMAS.

YEAH, IF YOU WANT ONE, YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR IT OUT OF YOUR OWN ALLOWANCE.

- ALL RIGHT! - HOMER!

( ringing)

YELLO.

Marge, please.

WHO'S THIS?

May I please speak to Marge?

THIS IS HER SISTER, ISN'T IT?

Is Marge there?

WHO SHALL I SAY IS CALLING?

Marge, please.

IT'S YOUR SISTER.

OOH!

HELLO.

Hello, Marge, it's Patty.

Selma and I couldn't be more excited

about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve.

HOMER AND I ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR VISIT, TOO.

Somehow I doubt that Homer's excited.

Of all the men you could have married

I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us...

Bart: GOOD ONE, DAD.

OKAY, KIDS, PREPARE TO BE DAZZLED.

MARGE, TURN ON THE JUICE!

( sizzling and popping)

WHAT DO YOU THINK, KIDS? NICE TRY, DAD.

UGH!

Ned: HOLD YOUR HORSES, SON. HEY, SIMPSON!

WHAT IS IT, FLANDERS?

DO YOU THINK THIS LOOKS OKAY?

Ho-ho-ho.

Ho-ho-ho.

OH, NEAT-O!

IT'S TOO BRIGHT.

( muttering:) FLANDERS, WHAT A BIG SHOW-OFF.

KIDS, YOU WANT TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?

- I DO! - ALL RIGHT, THE MALL!

GO GET YOUR MONEY.

TELL US, MARGE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THE CHRISTMAS MONEY?

OH, I HAVE MY SECRETS.

TURN AROUND.

YOU CAN LOOK NOW.

OH, BIG JAR THIS YEAR.

( honking)

( whistle tooting)

OH, BART, THAT'S SO SWEET.

IT'S THE BEST PRESENT A MOTHER COULD GET

AND IT MAKES YOU LOOK SO DANGEROUS.

ONE MOTHER, PLEASE.

WAIT A MINUTE. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

21, SIR.

GET IN THE CHAIR.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

Smithers: Attention all personnel.

Please keep working during the following announcement:

And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.

Hello. I'm proud to announce

that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant

without increasing cost to the consumer

or affecting management pay raises.

HOWEVER, FOR YOU SEMI-SKILLED WORKERS

THERE WILL BE NO CHRISTMAS BONUSES.

( groaning)

Oh, and one more thing--

Merry Christmas!

OH, THANK GOD FOR THE BIG JAR.

WHERE'S THAT BART?

AAGH!

BUT, MOM, I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.

YES, MRS. SIMPSON, WE CAN REMOVE YOUR SON'S TATTOO.

IT'S A SIMPLE ROUTINE INVOLVING LASERS.

- COOL. - HOWEVER, IT IS EXPENSIVE.

AND WE MUST INSIST ON A CASH PAYMENT UP FRONT.

CASH?!

THANK GOD FOR HOMER'S CHRISTMAS BONUS.

Bart: AY CARUMBA!

NOW WHATEVER YOU DO, BOY,

DON'T SQUIRM.

YOU DON'T WANT THIS SUCKER NEAR YOUR EYE OR YOUR GROIN.

OW! QUIT IT.

OW! QUIT IT.

OW! QUIT IT.

OW! QUIT IT.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

OW! QUIT IT.

IT USED TO BE A REAL BOSS TATTOO.