[HUMMING "20TH CENTURY FOX THEME"]

We come in peace for cats and mice everywhere.

[SCREAMING]

[AIR HISSING]

[LAUGHING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, how you doing? Good to see you. Thanks for coming out.

SCRATCHY: Itchy. … Itchy. …

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Ah!

Boring!

LISA: Dad, we can't see the movie.

I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free.

If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker.

Especially you.

CHORUS [SINGS]: The Simpsons

[SINGS] Movie on the big screen

Ah!

[BAND PLAYING "THE SIMPSONS" THEME]

[CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

Excuse me. My heinie is dipping.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[HUMMING "THE SIMPSONS" THEME]

[ALL HUMMING "THE SIMPSONS" THEME]

[CHEERING]

All right, well, thanks a lot for coming.

We've been playing for three and a half hours.

Now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.

CROWD: Boo!

MAN 1: You suck! MAN 2: Shut up and play!

- Preachy! - We're not being preachy.

But the pollution in your lake, it's dissolving our barge.

I thought they touched on a vital issue.

I beg to differ.

[GROANS]

Gentlemen, it's been an honor playing with you tonight.

[PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

Ah!

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

For the latest rock band to die in our town …

… Lord, hear our prayer.

CROWD: Lord, hear our prayer.

[CAR TIRES SCREECH]

MARGE: I hate being late. HOMER: Well, I hate going.

Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way …

… by praying like hell on my deathbed?

MARGE: Homer, they can hear you inside.

HOMER: Relax. Those pious morons are too busy …

… talking to their phony-baloney God.

How you doing? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

[GRAMPA SNORING]

[BLEEPING]

[BABIES SCREAMING]

Today I'd like to try something a little different.

I'm going to call on one of you!

CROWD: Ah!

Now, the word of God dwells within everyone.

I want you to let that word out.

- Let your spirit— NED: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

What is it, Ned?

The good Lord is telling me to confess to something.

Gay, gay, gay.

An immodest sense of pride in our community.

Somebody else?

Let the Lord's light shine upon you.

[SNORING]

Feel the spirit.

Let it out!

Horrible, horrible things are going to happen!

And they're gonna happen to you! And you! And you! And you.

Whoa, nelly!

[GRAMPA GRUNTING & GROANING]

People of Springfield, heed this warning:

Twisted tail!

A thousand eyes!

Trapped forever!

[GRUNTING & GROANING]

Dad, do something!

This book doesn't have any answers!

Beware! Beware! Time is short!

Epa! Epa! Epa!

Believe me! Believe me!

[BLABBERING]

Thanks for listening.

Okay, who wants waffles?

I do, I do, I do!

Wait a minute. What about Grampa?

- I want syrup! - I want strawberries!

Something happened to that man.

I'll tell you what happened to him. A certain someone had a senior moment.

But that's okay, because we love him and we got a free rug out of it.

What is the point of going to church every Sunday …

… when if someone we love has a genuine religious experience, we ignore it?

Right, Grampa?

I want bananas on my waffles.

I rest my case.

I'm not dropping this.

Wait a minute. I'm still in the car.

Oh, right.

"Take out hornets' nest."

Check. "Fix sinkhole."

Check.

"Re-shingle roof"?

Steady.

Steady.

[HOMER SCREAMING]

[BART LAUGHING]

Why, you little—!

I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.

What kind of fun?

How about a dare contest?

That sounds fun. I dare you to …

… climb the TV antenna!

- Piece of cake. - Earthquake!

[BART LAUGHING]

Aftershock!

[BART LAUGHING]

Homer, I don't mean to be a Nervous Pervis …

… but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a paraplege-arino?

Shut up, Flanders.

- Yeah, shut up, Flanders. - Well said, boy.

BOTH: Yeah!

Steady. Steady.

Steady. …

HOMER: Ah!

[BART LAUGHING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

LISA: Hello. Sorry to bother you on a Sunday …

… but I'm sure you're as worried about the pollution in Lake Springfield as I am.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

LISA: Lake Springfield has higher levels of mercury than ev—

WOMAN: Why, it's the little girl who saved my cat.

LISA: Lake Springfield is—

[GROANS]

[DOG BARKS]

[BELL RINGING & HORN TOOTING]

[GROANS]

Come on over, Lisa.

You can canvass me as long as you want.

Milhouse, you don't care about the environment.

Hey. I am very passionate about the planet.

Say global warming is a myth.

It's a myth! Further study is needed!

That's for selling out your beliefs.

Oh, poor Milhouse.

Dream coming true.

COLIN: Are you aware that a leaky faucet can waste over—?

Two thousand gallons a year.

- Turning off lights can save— - Enough energy to power Pittsburgh.

And if we kept our thermostats at 68 in winter—

We'd be free from our dependency on foreign oil in 17 years.

I'm Colin.

I haven't seen you at school.

Moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.

- Is he …? - He's not Bono.

- I just thought, because you're Irish and— - He's not Bono.

Do you play?

Just piano, guitar, trumpet, drums and bass.

LISA: He's pure gold. For once in your life, be cool.

So is your name as pretty as your face?

[SHRIEKS]

You okay there?

[LISA GIGGLES]

Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever! Epa! Epa!

"Epa." What could that be?

I believe it's the sound the Green Lantern made …

… when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid.

Epa!

Yeah. Thanks for coming over.

Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants.

Never known comfort like this.

[HOMER GRUNTING]

Why did I suggest this?

Ah! Ow!

Ow! Ah! Oh! Ah!

[DING]

All right, boy, time for the ultimate dare.

I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger and back …

… naked.

- How naked? - Fourth base.

Girls might see my doodle.

Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you chicken for life.

Every morning, you'll wake up to "Good morning, chicken."

At your wedding, I'll sing:

[CLUCKING]

I like men now.

Don't look where I'm pointing!

[SIREN WAILING]

WIGGUM: Stop in the name of American squeamishness!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Boys, before we eat, don't forget to thank the Lord for this bountiful—

Penis?!

- Bountiful penis. - Bountiful penis.

Amen.

Listen, kid, nobody likes wearing clothes in public, but, you know, it's the law.

Lunchtime!

You can't just leave me out here.

Don't worry, we found a friend for you to play with.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Nelson, honey, where have you been?

[LAUGHING]

- Dad! - What seems to be the problem, officers?

Tell him you dared me to do it.

If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.

And what happens to me if it's my fault?

You'll have to attend a one-hour parenting class.

It was all his idea! He's out of control, I tell you!

I'm at my wits' end.

It's so. …

[HOMER CRYING]

WIGGUM: See you in court, kid.

Okay, son, let's get some lunch.

Did you at least bring my clothes?

Shirt, socks, everything you need.

- You didn't bring my pants. - Who am I, Tommy Bahama?

This is the worst day of my life.

The worst day of your life so far.

- Say, Bart? - What do you want, Flanders?

If you need pants, I carry an extra pair.

You know how boys are, always praying through the knees.

Why are you helping me? I'm not your kid.

We're neighbors. I'm sure your father would do the same for my boys.

HOMER: Thank you.

- Hey, what's with you? - You really wanna know?

Of course I do.

What kind of a father wouldn't care about—?

A pig wearing a hat!

MAN: Action.

Hey, hey! It's your old pal Krusty, for my new pork sandwich, the Klogger.

If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!

[LAUGHING]

Mm.

MAN: And we're clear.

Blech! Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.

[SQUEALING]

What—?! You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

[SQUEALING]

You're coming home with me.

[GUNSHOTS & BABIES CRYING]

"A thousand eyes." What could that be?

Hm. I'm pretty sure a thousand is a number.

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?

Actually, it's aged me horribly.

Then say hello to the newest Simpson.

[GASPS]

Homer!

I believe what happened in church was a warning about precisely this.

Please, get rid of that pig.

Oh, you're gonna love him. Look, he does an impression of you.

[SQUEALING & SNORTING]

[LAUGHS]

You nailed her.

He also does me.

[BURPS]

[MARGE GIGGLES]

You smiled. I'm off the hook.

Ooh.

[HOMER HUMMING]

Oh, you have so many looks.

[SIGHS]

So that's what snug is.

HOMER: Who's a good pig?

[BLOWS NOISE]

Who's a good pig?

[BLOWS NOISE]

NED: Rough day, huh, son?

You don't know what rough is, sister.

Bart, you know, whenever my boys bake up a batch of frownies …

… I take them fishing.

Does your dad ever take you fishing?

Dad, it's not fair to use a bug zapper to catch the fish.

If you love fish like I do, you want them to die with dignity.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

I think I have a nibble. Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

I think fishing might be more fun with you.

Oh, great. Now, how about I fix you some cocoa?

No way. Cocoa's for wusses.

Well, sir, if you change your mind, it's on the windowsill.

BART: Oh, my God.

Oh, wait. I didn't tell you the best part. He loves the environment.

Oh, wait! I still didn't tell you the best part. He's got an Irish brogue.

No, no, wait! I still didn't tell you the best part.

He's not imaginary!

Oh, honey, that's great.

But the very best thing is that he listens to you.

Because nothing means more than for a man to—

How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?

[SINGING] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig

Does whatever a Spider-Pig does

Can he swing from a web?

No, he can't, he's a pig

Look out He is a Spider-Pig

Are we having fun yet?

We are now. You've got a bite.

Whoa, mama!

Oh, no, my good pole!

[GAGGING]

Huh? You're not strangling me.

What the—? Strangling's only good for. …

Well, it's not good for anything.

The only time you should lay hands on a boy …

… is to give him a good pat on the back.

Hey, what the hell are you—?

Oh. One more time.

[HUMMING]

[CAT SHRIEKS]

[CAT SHRIEKS]

[CAT SHRIEKS]

Honey, I'm home. Ah!

[GROWLS]

LISA: We are at the tipping point, people.

If we don't do something now. …

I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought. Isn't he dreamy?

Agreed.

Okay, so here's the bottom line:

If we don't change our ways right now …

… pollution in Lake Springfield will be at this level.

[LIFT SPUTTERS]

That's not so bad.

No, the lift is stuck.

Am I getting through to anyone?

Hell, yeah. We need a new one of those things.

All in favor of a new scissor lift, say "aye."

CROWD: Aye. - No!

This lake is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare.

But I knew you wouldn't listen.

So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses.

MOE: This is why we should hate kids.

This is serious, people.

No more dumping in the lake. I hereby declare a state of emergency.

Code black.

[GASP]

Black? That's the worst color there is.

- No offense there, Carl. - I get it all the time.

Sorry, sorry. No dumping in the lake.

Fine. I will put my yard trimmings in a car compactor.

Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.

I thought that too, until he said "yard trimmings."

You gotta learn to listen, Lou.

Let us now make sure this barrier is completely idiot-proof.

- Cletus. - Yessum?

Try to dump something in the lake.

Okay.

I can't. I simply can't.

- Brilliant. - Very effective.

[PIG SNORTS]

Ay-yay-yay!

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Don't get any ideas, huh?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension.

What's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm not sure that pig should be in the house.

And by the way, what are you doing with his leavings?

Don't worry. I've devised a most elegant solution.

It's leaking.

It's not leaking, it's overflowing.

He filled up the whole silo in just two days?

Well, I helped.

Homer, stop! Stop. I know it's easy for your mind to wander …

… but I want you to really concentrate on me.

I can't escape the feeling that this is the crisis Grampa warned us about.

You have to dispose of that waste properly.

Okay, Marge. I will.

You can take Spider-Pig with you.

He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Homer, you gotta get over here.

Health inspector shut down the doughnut store, they're giving out free doughnuts!

Oh, my God, oh, my God! I just got one thing I gotta do first.

Well, you better hurry. They're going fast.

[GUNSHOT]

Whoa, that was close.

[GROANS]

Uh-oh.

VOICE: Evil!

- Drive, drive, drive! - Oink, oink.

Oh, right.

[GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

Look at that. You can see the four states that border Springfield:

Ohio, Nevada, Maine and Kentucky.

Oh, yeah.

And if you look real close, you can almost— Ah!

Well, this certainly seems odd …

… but who am I to question the work of the Almighty?

We thank you, Lord, for this mighty fine intelligent design.

Good job.

BART: Jabbity, jabbity, jab, jab, jab!

Hey! Jab one more eye and it's a federal crime.

- Who are you? - Environmental Protection Agency.

Russ Cargill, head of the EPA, here to see the president.

[BUZZING]

Mr. President.

Ja, that is me.

Pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels.

I hate this job. Everything's "crisis" this and "end of the world" that.

Nobody opens with a joke. I miss Danny DeVito.

You want a joke, huh? Stop me if you've heard this one.

[GROWLING]

Look at those angry eyes and giant teeth.

It's like Christmas at the Kennedy compound.

You know, sir, when you made me head of the EPA …

… you appointed one of the most successful men in America …

… to the least successful agency in government.

And why did I take the job?

Because I'm a rich man who wanted to give something back.

Not the money, but something.

So here is our chance to kick some ass for Mother Earth.

- I'm listening. - Well, I've narrowed your choices down …

… to five unthinkable options.

Each will cause untold misery—

- I pick number three. - You don't wanna read them first?